The Poorest Spot in All the Land

Last month was our Stake Conference at church. The last few Stake Conferences (we have two a year) have been amazing to me, as there has been at least one talk that was written specifically for me. I’m joking, of course. They weren’t actually written for me, but their message was exactly what I needed to hear.

This time, the talk was on waiting for blessings. Or maybe the actual topic was on something else… but that’s what I got from it. Our Stake President spoke about a particular scripture, Jacob Chapter 5 in the Book of Mormon. It was interesting because Ryan and I had read that chapter not too long ago, and I remembered it. It was an allegory using olive trees.

I hadn’t thought much of that chapter at the time, but in the talk it took on a whole new meaning for me.

21 And it came to pass that the servant said unto his master: How comest thou hither to plant this tree, or this branch of the tree? For behold, it was the poorest spot in all the land of thy vineyard.

22 And the Lord of the vineyard said unto him: Counsel me not; I knew that it was a poor spot of ground; wherefore, I said unto thee, I have nourished it this long time, and thou beholdest that it hath brought forth much fruit.

We can relate this to our wait for desired blessings. We pray and pray and it feels like those blessings never come. We feel like the poorest, most neglected spot in all the land. But God hasn’t forgotten us. In fact, He labors on our behalf even more. He is nourishing us and preparing us to bring forth great fruit.

Oh, what to think, what to think...

I just love this waiting... waiting and wondering... wondering and waiting...

I am using Progesterone pills which, in essence, makes you feel like you are pregnant. Not that I would know, having never been pregnant myself, but that is how many people describe them. I am beyond exhausted, some headaches, a bit of nausea (although that might be the burst of butterflies I get every now and then... you know, because of all the waiting and wondering).

It's been helpful to be on the Progesterone because it forces me not to overanalyize every little symptom. It is obvious I am having symptoms, but it can all be attributable to the hormone. To think it could be something else for too long is a dangerous game. ;)

One of the Best Feelings

I think one of the best feelings in the world is when you are holding and feeding a baby and you spend the entire time just looking at each other. I got to experience that on Monday when I took care of a 4 month old baby boy. It had been a long time since I had held a baby (years!), much less fed one. I’ve been trying to steer clear of them, for a number of reasons, but mainly because it felt like people with babies were always trying to force them on me. I didn’t like that. Also, I was afraid to hold them because of the feelings I knew would come… the sadness and longing.

This time, I was able to hold this baby boy because I wanted to, not because someone was trying to make me. It was just him and I rocking in my big recliner. The house was quiet. No one was there asking me questions or trying not to make it awkward. I didn’t have to put on a show. I just held him for a long time until he fell asleep.

I already miss that feeling. I can’t imagine how much stronger it must be when you are sharing it with your own child.

Hinkley Wisdom

Written on the chalkboard in Sunday School today:

"Go forward on the assumption that everything works out."

This is a quote by Gordon B. Hinckley... and something I really needed to read today.

I've spent all weekend wondering if I will ever experience pregnancy. If not, that's okay, I just want to know why! Physically, what is wrong with me? With us? I so wish I knew.

Anyway, Gordon B. Hinkley was a prophet and one of the wisest men to ever live. So, I am trying to take his advice and go forward with the assumption that everything will work out. Eventually...

I Was Not Forgotten

This last Sunday was Stake Conference, which is a large gathering of members in the East Fresno County area.

Ryan and I attended the Sunday morning session. I went with a bit of apprehension.

Sunday morning Stake Conference has often been a reunion of sorts. It is a twice-a-year meeting in which I see those I have known in the past. We exchange greetings and small talk.

This doesn’t sound too terrible, except that I often see those I grew up with, leading their cluster of squirmy and restless children. Seeing these people again and noticing… “Oh, they have 3 children now” “That newlywed couple is pregnant already” “Wow, her kids have grown up”.

That is difficult.

I also see those adults who knew me as a child. For a while, the small talk centered around Ryan and I, and our family planning. “Any kids yet?”, although, that has faded over time (not sure if that is a good thing or not).

I am also apprehensive about the topics that will be presented. Family is a huge part of our beliefs, and it seems inevitable that the topic of parenting or the importance of families will be approached at some point. I remember a couple years ago hearing the good ol’ “multiply and replenish the earth – it’s a commandment!” sermon. Anxiously, I left the room as fast as I could, tears running down my face, bursting into the bathroom, only to see a girl I once babysat in there, rocking her baby.

So, sufficed to say, Stake Conference isn’t always my favorite day.

Even so, surrounded by family, I attended Stake Conference. As the speakers made their rounds, I leaned over to Ryan and said, “I haven’t heard the talk that was just for me. I want to hear something that was written just for me to hear.”

The last speaker was our Stake President. Sure enough, the topic turned to families. Children… and what blessings they are. Oh, no. Not again.

But then he said something I don’t think I will ever forget. He said, “I tread lightly on this topic, because I know there are some out there who are unable to have children.”

Oh my gosh, I wasn’t forgotten.

He went on to tell his story, of how he and his wife had their little family, but they always felt that there was another little girl who was supposed to be with them. Time passed, and soon his youngest was 18. He told God, “If this last child is meant to be with us, You better send her soon. I am not getting any younger here!” He was 48 years old when she was born. Their family finally felt complete.

He told the story about Abraham and Rebecca from the Bible. Upon learning they were going to finally have a son (in their late stage of life), they laughed, which can also be translated to mean rejoiced.

“And Sarah said, God hath made me to laugh, so that all that hear will laugh with me.”

I picture the laughing and rejoicing that will occur in my home someday.

With tears in his eyes, our Stake President talked about waiting those 18 years for their daughter. He admitted that there are some who wait longer, and without other children. Then he read the following from the Doctrine and Covenants: “The Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion, and thy scepter an unchanging scepter of righteousness and truth; and thy dominion shall be an everlasting dominion, and without compulsory means it shall flow unto thee forever and ever.

He talked about how, one way or another, we will all have our dominion, or our posterity. This was comforting to me.

After the Stake President had sat down, and we began to sing the closing song, Ryan leaned over to me and said, “Well, you got your talk.” I am grateful to the Stake President, and to my Heavenly Father, for not forgetting me this Sunday.

I received a package yesterday. It is a necklace which reads one simple word, “Eventually”. This word is a blessing and a curse. A comfort during times when I feel my situation will never change, and a reminder during times of anxiety and impatience.

My dominion will be everlasting someday, and without compulsory means it will flow unto me forever and ever. A promise that is worth waiting for, and will be mine… eventually.

Don't Rush the Milestones!

I got an epiphany the other night while watching television. Hmmm… now that is a funny statement if I’ve ever heard one…

Anyway, there was an elderly patient who was trying to convince his family that he needed to undergo a risky operation which seemed voluntary and unnecessary, but would “improve his quality of life”.

In talking with his family, the man said something to this effect (paraphrasing here),

“You don’t know what it is like for someone my age. I have already crossed all the milestones in my life: graduation, marriage, becoming a father, career, watching my kids grow up, becoming a grandparent… I look back and see so many yesterdays, and I don’t have very many tomorrows.”

Now, I do believe that no matter how old you are, there are many reasons to be excited for the future. Even so, there are those monumental milestones that nearly everyone achieves throughout his or her life. Once they are done, they are done. And all that’s left are the memories.

As I listened to the dialogue on television I thought, “Why am I rushing these milestones?”

All my life, I have always been waiting for the ‘next big thing’: graduation, marriage, graduation (again), career, and most of all CHILDREN. My eyes are fixed on the future, and don’t look around too much to enjoy the present.

The day will come that I will have children. By whatever means, I believe it will happen. Once that beautiful child is placed in my arms, I will have crossed that milestone. And things will never be the same again.

So while I wait with baited breath for that day to arrive, I try to remind myself to be patient. I don’t want to look back at my life and feel I rushed from event to event, without enjoying the journey I traveled to get there.

--------------------------------

You will come to know that what appears today to be a sacrifice will prove instead to be the greatest investment that you will ever make.
-Gordon B Hinkley

Waiting for Dessert...

This is a beautiful, beautiful story written by Christine Dallimore at We Are All Mothers. Some days, it's only imagining that dessert, meant specifically for us, that keeps me going.

"Imagine yourself dressed up in your finest clothes. You and your sweet husband are attending a dinner together in one of the nicest restaurants in town. You both have planned, waited and saved for this evening. To say the least, you are very excited! You and your husband arrive and the atmosphere is more than you expected. Everyone around you is having a good time. The chandeliers are sparkling, candles are glowing and sweet soft music is playing in the background. To your pleasant surprise you see others there you know. You are seated with them and in your heart you think there just couldn't be anything better!

The table is just exquisite. Breathtaking really. The people at your table begin to talk to you in jolly conversation. You glance at the menu and you don't even know where to begin! You look over everything slowly and carefully, especially the dessert menu! All of your life you have been hearing about this restaurant's marvellous and divine desserts. Deep in your heart, you have been looking forward to enjoying dessert the most!

Everyone at your table orders their food. For dessert they all order chocolate cake. You think, "Hey that sounds perfect. I'll have chocolate cake too please." The waiter nods in approval and quickly swifts off to put in your order. In the meantime, you are still enjoying the surroundings, the music and the company. You grab your husband's hand and sigh "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."

The food comes and everything looks just pleasing. Some of the things you tasted you really love, some of the things you didn't. Either way, you know that dessert is on its way. That thought in and of itself is just exciting! Then you see him, your waiter! Your wonderful, blessed waiter with a silver tray full of plates of chocolate cake! He comes and starts handing out plates to those you know. You look at the cake and to put it simply, it looks just divine. You're even more excited now! The waiter comes to your side and then passes you and your husband. You are shocked and think there must be some mistake. you don't know what to do, but rather than make a fuss you think, "Just wait, I will get my chocolate cake soon too."

Those that have their dessert are going on and on about how amazing the taste is. You smile, you are truly happy for them. Deep down you are anxious and their feelings only feed your curiosity and desire. Then you see the waiter again and think, "Ahhh, here he is." You notice that he starts handing out seconds and thirds to those that have already had their piece of cake. Your husband doesn't notice, he's busy chatting with the fellow next to him! Deep down though you get a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. You know something is wrong, something is very, very wrong.

You ask the waiter, "Excuse me please. Where is my chocolate cake that I ordered"? The waiter just replies, "The baker has said that you must wait." He rushes off and not another word is said. Time goes on. You still enjoy the surroundings, the people and the conversations. All the while though, you can't get chocolate cake out of your mind. Time keeps creeping by and soon your husband notices too, "Where is our dessert?" You hold his hand and look into his loving eyes and think, "Even without chocolate cake, life is still good."

Time, however, creeps and it creeps. At moments it seems like it has even stopped. It's getting late and people are noticing you haven't received your dessert yet. Questions start arising and you just don't know how to respond. You look around other tables and notice that people are also getting their third, fourth and fifth servings of dessert. "Why" is all you have to lean upon.

You notice that others have ordered things for dessert besides chocolate cake. There is cherry pie, brownie ice cream sundaes, raspberry cheesecakes and such. They seem just as pleased, if not more pleased with their desserts and you wonder, "Should I order cherry pie too"? You talk to the waiter and he simply says, "I'm sorry ma'am, you just need to be patient and wait."

You are starting to burn inside. Despite all of your best efforts you are beginning to boil. You really want to jump on top of the table and stomp while shouting, "Where is my chocolate cake?" You don't though because you know that will get you no where! Instead you look around and notice that there are some that are refusing their chocolate cake. "It will make me fat" one says. "Ugh. I have enough already" another states. One woman, simply dumps her beautiful chocolate cake onto the floor.

As you look deeper around you, you notice there are a few others that are waiting too. Your heart goes out to them. You smile and wish there was something more you could do. You know their pain and it hurts. It really hurts.

Finally, the waiter comes and he has chocolate cake on that familiar beautiful silver platter...and he has enough for two. One for your husband and one for you! Your so elated with joy that you can't hardly stand it!!! You tell everyone at your table and they are just as happy for you. "We knew it would happen" they say. "You just needed to relax"! Little did they know that deep inside relaxing was the last thing you were feeling! You look at your husband. Tears are in both of your eyes. You carefully take a taste. It's such sweet, sweet perfection. You go to take another and just before you do the waiter comes and gently takes your plates away. "Something is wrong" he says. "Don't worry my dear, the time is soon."

There's confusion. Sadness. Anger. Above all though, you are just deeply and truly heartbroken. Heartbroken to the very core. You don't know what to do. You turn to others for support. They cry with you and too ask why. You take a deep breath and find the strength to go on. You have been given the promise that you will receive dessert. It is just not understood as to when. You decide to put your full trust in the baker. You reach far inside within yourself and find the effort to ask your husband to dance.

He looks at you and smiles..."Yes, I would love to dance with you my dear one." You both get up, leave the table and set off to dance.

As you are dancing, you get your bearings. You again begin to notice your surroundings. The beautiful surroundings that have so magically grabbed your attention in the first place. You remember the music, the sounds, the smell of the sweet flowers. You breathe. That's all you can do. You breathe and slowly begin to enjoy the moment again. Slowly, it all comes back to you. The things you love. Being with the person you love the most. The pains you have just felt are still there. Still vulnerable, but you feel life again. Yes, life is still good.

After quite a few dances, you both decide it's time to sit at your table. People still have their desserts and their chocolate cakes. Your space is still empty. You decide, however, to really focus on those around you. In doing so you find more joy. The desire for dessert is still there- but it's manageable. Time moves on.

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, your waiter appears. He has the biggest smile on his face. He is pleased to announce that you and your husband's dessert is finally here!! Your heart wells up with joy, but you're afraid too. You ask the waiter, "Will you take it away"? "No, this one was made especially for you." You smile back, hardly believing that this could be true or real. You look at it and it's not a dessert you have ever seen before. It's then that you realize that the baker has made a dessert with all of your favorite colors and flavors. Careful detail was lovingly taken into every consideration. "How did He know that this is exactly what I wanted"? The waiter just smiles and says, "Because he knows and loves you. If you look, you can see him there."

You look and at the door, through the little round window you see a gentle man with tears in his eyes. He is grinning from ear to ear and looking at you and your husband. You can't hardly see anymore because of all of the happy tears. You whisper a big "Thank You" and in your heart you feel that this simple phrase will never be enough.

You look at the people around you, they too have tears in their eyes. They too are smiling from ear to ear. Everything is so precious and tender now- even more so than when you first arrived here. It's then that you learn that the pains you have felt all along the way... the waiting, the crying, the agony....it's all been a special recipe to make this moment this much more wonderful and sacred.

In your soul you take a deep breath and slowly let out a big sigh of gratitude.

You grab your husband's hand and sigh again, "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."

Passing Time

A couple of months ago, I come home to find a bright pink flyer on my porch. As I looked at it, I noticed it was from a local foster parenting agency.

Now I've talked about Foster Parenting in the past, and my frustration with people throwing it at me as an option. Deciding to foster is such a personal decision, and not one to be suggested, or entered into, lightly.

But as I read the flyer, I felt a glimmer of excitement. I talked to Ryan and he was actually (surprisingly) supportive about the idea. He had questions, and we both felt cautious, but I have hung onto the flyer since that day.

Recently, Ryan and I decided to take a 10-year-anniversary trip. Once we return, we're climbing 'back on the horse' so-to-speak, and attempting once again to start our family.

In the meantime, I am passing time. Finding this flyer has helped give me purpose. If we were to foster parent or adopt, we get the opportunity to have strangers decide if we would be good parents. Part of this process involves them coming into our home and assessing it's suitability for housing a child.

And this brings me to my latest project: Operation Organization. I would imagine most people have cabinets, drawers and closets that are a bit, how should I say, cluttered? Well, I do too. So, I am in the process of decluttering and clearing out our house.

This includes our "3rd Bedroom", which will someday be our child's room. I have heard some people talk about getting a room ready for a child, and the pain they feel when the room stays empty. For some reason, I am feeling the opposite emotion. Clearing out that room is giving me hope. I know I will be a mother someday, and I feel that preparing for this fact helps it feel more real. What I am feeling is nice, so I am going with it for now.

Taking a second look at foster parenting feels nice too. I don't know if and how far we will pursue that avenue, but having it as an option seems right for us.

Regardless, for now, I am forcing my eyes upon greener pastures. Or maybe white, sandy beaches. Living and loving my best friend, helping with those fun and crazy teenage girls at church, reconnecting with girlfriends, and anxiously awaiting boarding that plane for Hawaii: these are the things I keep in the front of my mind. Every now and then the sadness returns, but I put a band-aid on it and keep going. Because that's what you do when you're passing time.

----------------------------------

Quick Note: Should we choose to pursue foster care, I will be open and appreciative to opinions and obserations. Until that time, please don't bombard me with negative comments. I realize it can be a tough and heartbreaking process. Let me live in the dream for a while longer. Reality will come soon enough! Thanks.

The Climb

Nearly three years ago, when we first moved into our house, I took dinner to a young couple in our church who had just had their first baby. At that time, I had been trying to begin my family for three years. I remember looking at this new mom. She seemed so young and so newly married, it made me wonder, why can she begin her family while I still have to wait?

I barely knew her, so I was a bit nervous dropping off the pizza I had picked up for them on the way home from work. I practically threw the pizza in her arms and almost rushed away without even seeing the baby!

Nearly three years later, tonight in fact, I again took dinner to this new mom. She had her third child last Friday. This beautiful woman has had three children, while I am still waiting for one.

She is the sweetest gal, and I like her very much. As I left their house (a mother, father, and three young children), I couldn't help but think how strange it is to watch someone else live your life. Not really your life, but the life you always thought you would have.

Being Mormon, I am constantly surrounded by other people living my life. They are everywhere I look. Their families grow, year after year, and I stay the same.

Learning to live a life that is different than you imagined is a work in progress. I'm not sure I will ever be completely content with where I am right now. So, I am trying to enjoy the process.

A while back, I compared my infertility to a miserable but incredibly rewarding hike I did last summer. Since then, I have noticed even more how similar these experiences really are.

I recently heard a song that uses the same climbing analogy, encouraging you to learn to enjoy (or at least appreciate) the journey. I am supposed to be learning something from all this. What? I still don't know. Maybe that's the reason I've been climbing for so long...

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it.

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make
Feels lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments
That I'm going to remember most
Just got to keep going

I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

First Come, First Served

Congratulating a fellow infertile on their pregnancy is always an interesting dynamic.

On one hand, I am truly excited for them, and grateful they have moved on to the next adventure.

On the other hand, a small part of me can't help but feel a little deflated. Why not me? I've been waiting longer.

It's then I have to remind myself that parenthood is not a first-come, first-served blessing.

And so I wait...

In Pursuit of Happiness

In January 2009, Ryan snapped this picture of me in a hotel room in Costa Mesa. He was in a two-week training course for work and I had come down to visit him. I like this picture because I think it's a fun close-up. I have used it for various 'profile pics' and the like.

But there is an interesting aspect about this picture that only I think about when I see it. These eyes contained a lot of pain. This picture was taken days before I finally sought help from my doctor. During the trip to see Ryan, I didn't really want to leave the hotel room. Here we were together in beautiful SoCal, all expenses paid, and I felt most comfortable in bed in a tiny, dark hotel room. I spent an entire night of the trip crying next to him while he slept. And I mean an entire night. Although I was pleasant towards him, I was miserable inside.

Months have passed since that time.

Recently, a dear friend and up-and-coming photographer, Isa Sabey offered to take some pictures of us. We hadn't had someone do that for us in years. Here is one of the pictures:

This shot is one of those 'candid' ones Isa snapped when we were laughing at something or other (probably at how awkward we felt having our picture taken).

When I look at this picture, I see a woman who is happy. It has been said that the 'eyes are the window to the soul'. Well, to me, I can see a sparkle in these eyes that has been missing for a long time.

People say a result of seeking help for depression is that you feel like yourself again. Over these five years of dealing with infertility, I had forgotten who I was. I feel like the Michelle from years past. I actually like myself again.

In high school, I was told that I 'always have a smile'. My drama teacher would laugh at me because, even in the most dramatic scene, my eyes were always twinkling. She said, no matter what my face was doing, it was impossible for me not to look happy.

I wouldn't say I'm at that point yet, but I am getting there. I find myself excited about life.

Two days ago, I bought myself a designer purse. The significance of that? Well, for years I have told everyone how much I hated shopping. I don't remember the last time I bought myself something nice. I would go clothes shopping, but refuse to try anything on. Looking back, I realize I didn't really like myself. Not only that, but anytime I (or Ryan for that matter) would purchase something, I would feel that it was pushing my dream of motherhood that much further away. I allowed myself no joy in treating myself unless it was directly related to my goal. The only exception was food. Food was now my comfort.

How things have changed! I find joy in so many things now, including the occasional purchase of something nice just for me. Many people talk about 'retail therapy', but it turns out I only like to treat myself when I feel good.

I could go on and on with the changes happening around here. I could talk about the many times I have turned to Ryan in amazement and said, "I just feel so happy". I can say that I have gone from crying several times per day, to twice in 2 months, and both of those were spiritually related.

The point is that now I feel I can see infertility for what it is, a hard and difficult trial that I pray everyday will have a resolution soon. But, regardless, infertility doesn't define me anymore.

I am a member of the LDS church. I love to cook and bake new things. I like to write. I am learning to be a financial planner and have the best co-workers in the world. Autumn is my favorite season. I work with the teenage girls at church and love it. My favorite smells are the mountains, chopped cilantro, and freshly baked cookies. I like to go camping and visit big cities. I love my kitties and talk to them like they are people. I like the color green, but I don't look good wearing it. I am a wife, daughter, sister, aunt and friend, who longs to also add "mother" to that resume someday.

I still feel sadness when I think of our empty house. I still have days where I don't want to talk about babies or pregnancy or adoption. I still hear the ticking clock in the background and hope I can start my family before it's "too late" (whatever that means).

But I also feel happy. Every day is a pursuit of happiness now. And most days I am winning.

MY Baby

There is something I have always known, but has become all the more obvious as the years of wanting children have ticked by...

I don't just want a baby, a child. I want my baby, my child.

I firmly believe that our children are predestined to be our children. Somehow, someway they find their way to us.

I have a friend on my support group (I hope she doesn't mind I share this) who had begun the adoption process. In the beginning, she didn't feel a huge sense of urgency. All of a sudden, one day, she felt strongly that she needed to get their paperwork in order right now. It was an overnight realization, and from then on she was full speed ahead, even without really knowing why.

A short time later, they were pulled into their case worker's office. He asked if they had a crib. Turns out, a baby had been born and my friend matched the birth mother's criteria exactly. Before even getting their background check finished, they were to become parents. Now it was clear why the urgency was there. They needed to be ready for their baby.

Another friend recently adopted as well. I had known about the possible opportunity, and had felt a little sad that I wasn't in the position to pursue it. My friend did instead, and I felt a little jealous. Until I saw her baby. In that instant, it was obvious. This was not my baby, it was hers, and meant to be with them.

So, I know that there are special spirits meant to call me mom. The mystery is how I will find them and when. As time goes on though, I become more convinced that I will find them someday. Even though I feel a twinge of sadness or jealousy when I see others start their family, I try to remind myself that just because someone else becomes pregnant or adopts, doesn't mean I never will. They aren't having my baby. :)

My babies are still waiting for me, just like I wait for them, and I know they are worth the wait!

... the waiting is the hardest part ... So true, so true!

Dead Cat Bouncing

This week, I learned about a term used in the investment world known as the 'dead cat bounce'. Now, the visual is pretty harsh (I don't like thinking about dead cats bouncing... or dead cats at all actually...), but the term describes a falling stock market that rapidly rebounds, only to drop again.

Well, this week I felt like I had my own dead cat bounce. Several weeks ago, I had a very spiritual experience that brought me closer to God, and gave me a bit of peace for the first time in a while. Compared to the darkness that loomed over me for the last several months, I was on the rise.

Then, a sequence of events happened at work. Because of circumstances beyond anyone's control, I saw my career progress screeching to a halt for the unforeseeable future. Between drops in the market and losing a staff member permanently, I no longer have the speedy timeline I was hoping for. No big deal, except that the entire financial aspect of my 2009 Plan was dependant on the immediate progress of my career.

I felt like I was just starting to pull myself out of a hole, when a big hand came down and flicked me back in.

Mostly, I felt silly for believing that this was really it, that things were actually going to change. Now, I know change will come someday, but I hate not knowing when. I'm a planner... so much so that I chose it for a career. Why am I so great at planning everyone else's success but my own?

So many times, so many plans, so many years, and I'm still waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting. So many "if this, than finally that", praying for the if's and never seeing the that's. I wonder if I read all my blog entries over the last few years, how many 'plans' I wrote about that never worked out. Depressing.

And that's why I don't read old entries!

Anyway, on the day when my plans came crashing down (a bit dramatic, I know), I drove myself home from work in tears. Because of my recent experience gaining comfort through spiritual music, I threw in my Jenny Phillips CD.

A first, I resented every word she sang. I didn't want to hear it! But I kept listening and soon a song I had never heard before began to play...

Like a ship that's worn, with a sail so torn,
drifting out to sea,
the wind is blowing in, and you're tossed again.
Is it time to leap behind the ship,
and walk to Him?

The anchor's gone, you're moving on
further from His arms.
Go to Him. Face the wind.
If you trust enough, His mighty love
will get you through.

Do you believe that the seas
will hold your feet if you go?
Close your eyes, feel Him in sight,
walk to what you know is true.
And He will not fail you.

Give up your fear. Let go of doubt.
Lay down your load. Let it go.

As I listened to the words, I imagined the Apostle Peter and the incredible faith he had as he stepped off that boat onto the water, and walked toward Jesus.

Right now, I don't have the faith to step off that boat. I am still clinging to the edge: scared, doubtful and tossed around. But I am working on it. Someday, I hope I can let go. I can imagine how wonderful that would feel.

In the meantime, maybe 'dead cat bounce' is not the best way to describe this week. Maybe I just took a tumble and had a rough landing. If that is the case than someday, in true cat-like form, I'll have to land on my feet. Right?

And the journey continues...

----------------------------------

Life and its troubles can do one of two things.
It can make you better or bitter.
I have experienced both,
and better is better.

A Beautiful Parallel

I belong to an email support group centered around infertility. Recently, someone made the comparison between having a child and getting married. The more I thought about it, the more I identified with it. I thought it was remarkable, and I hope I can explain it in a way that is not offensive.

Planning your wedding day is a big deal for a woman. As little girls, we grow up wanting to have a beautiful wedding someday. Once we are engaged (and sometimes even before then), we spend hours over every detail: the dresses, the cake, the colors, the music. We want that day to be everything we have ever dreamed of.

Fairly quickly though, the wedding day passes and we settle into the marriage. It is in the marriage (hopefully) that we discover what the 'wedding' was truly all about. Although we look back fondly on our wedding day, it is the actual journey through life with our best friend that fulfills us, uplifts us, challenges us, and molds us. Our life is not defined by that one day frozen in time, but by the days, weeks, months, and years that follow.

You can make a similar comparison to pregnancy and parenting.

I remember as a little girl stuffing a pillow under my shirt and pretending I was a soon-to-be-mommy. I believed that carrying a child was the gateway to the job I want most in the world, Mom; much like the wedding day is a gateway to a marriage.

I have never been pregnant, or had a child. Even so, I imagine that, despite the beautiful (and not-so-beautiful) moments in pregnancy, the true guts and glory of being a mother is achieved in the rearing of the child.

Thus, pregnancy might be compared to a wedding day. Wonderful, amazing, stressful, emotional, and even majestic... but what really matters is the result: a beautiful new life and the start of a family.

So, what would it mean if I adopted a child? Maybe I would miss the 'wedding day', but I would gain the 'marriage'. Isn't that the important part anyway?

And I wouldn't really be missing the 'wedding day'. It would just be different than I had planned; like some exotic destination wedding. Different stresses and different joys... same beautiful result.

I don't need to fear that the train to motherhood will leave me behind at the station. I just may be getting on at a different stop. The trial is in waiting for my turn to board...

-------------------------------------------------

Recently, I wrote a blog about an experience with screaming children during a recent grocery store outing. I feel I need to clarify something, as I have spoken with a few people about the subject and feel I was misunderstood.

I have often seen weary parents trying to wrangle their exhausted, screaming children in public places before. I have looked on their situation with compassion and adoration at their seemingly endless supply of patience. I have doubted my own future ability to handle such a dilemma. I have not envied their position one bit and have hoped that there was peaceful resolution for them soon.

The difference in this situation was the parent's encouragement of the behavior and the apparent disregard for the comfort of anyone else in earshot. Combine that with an especially difficult day and you have a recipe for a good batch of venting.

I hope that makes sense! :)

My Life in 2009

One strong characteristic of mine is punctuality. I am usually on-time for everything: a party, a meeting, you name it. When I am late (or when I think I might be) I stress a bit. It makes me uncomfortable.

My cycles have always been the same way. Regardless of the spotting issue over the last 5 years, I have always been regular, on-time.

This month was different. Although I got major cramps on 'Day 1', my cycle had not started. The next day, I was so nauseous I could barely move. I tried Sprite, canned pears, hard candy, saltine crackers, all the usual stuff, and nothing helped. I was sick all morning. This was the first time in years I dared think I might be pregnant. The nausea faded that evening. I must have had a touch of the stomach flu. Even so, the next day (should be 'Day 3'), still no period. I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. That night, I finally started.

During this confusing chain of events, there was a day or so when I actually thought I might be pregnant. While I was 99% excited (albeit afraid to hope), about 1% felt unprepared. Now I know the mantra: 'You are never fully ready to become a parent'. I have heard that a million times and I believe it, I promise. But the tiny, minuscule, not-viewable-with-the-naked-eye silver lining on the dark cloud of infertility is that we get more time than most to prepare for the job of parenthood. I mean, infertility is all about waiting: waiting for the next cycle, waiting for the next treatment, waiting to save money for the next treatment, waiting to be chosen by a birth-mom, waiting for paperwork to be processed, waiting for test results, waiting for answers, waiting for blessings, just waiting.

While you wait, you might as well become the best parent-to-be you can, right?

Over the past several weeks, I have been reviewing my life and what it will take to achieve that goal of parenthood. I am in no financial position to seek adoption or fertility treatments right now. At this point, it seems those options will not be available until at least 2010. Therefore, my life in 2009 will consist of more waiting. So, how do I pass the time while I wait? There are several areas I need to work on:

Financial: Seeing that my finances are the reason for the delay, there is a lot to do in this department.

In the first four years of our marriage, Ryan and I racked up some consumer debt. Some of it is from unexpected and necessary expenses, some is a result of irresponsible purchases. Once I started working in financial planning, our habits changed. Unfortunately, rectifying the situation has been slow going. I am hoping in 2009, as I get my career going, our progress will speed up. I want to be consumer debt-free (or at least have my debt tamed) by the end of 2009. Then I can pursue adoption or fertility treatments with a clear conscience because I am bringing a child into a financially secure and responsible household.

Spiritual: I need to work out my relationship with God. I wrote a bit about it in Un-stuff that anger. It is the most important thing I need to work on.

Mental: I want to grow my career and become the best financial planner I can be. Although I enjoy what I do, I am often distracted at work by my feelings toward my infertility. Over the last few months especially, I have been struggling to keep the two separate and my work has begun to be affected by my sadness. I'd like that to stop, if possible.

I also am learning new and useful things, all those things that will help me be a great mom. How to grocery shop on a budget, cleaning tricks, and perfecting the art of chocolate chip cookie baking.

Emotional: I plan to continue with therapy as long as I find it helpful. I have recognized that I am dealing with some depression, and I am trying to work through that. I want to 'take care of myself' more by giving myself a break. If I would rather be alone on a Saturday night than go out with friends, that's okay. I'm not going to force myself to go to 'child events' if I am struggling that day. And I will not be attending church on Mother's Day (unless I go with my mom). After five years of torturous experiences dealing with that day, I refuse to do that to myself anymore.

Physical: I could be healthier. I could be stronger. In a couple years, I may be asking my body to do extrordinary things. I could prepare now to make that time in the future easier on myself, should I become pregnant with a child (or children).

So, this would be my life in 2009. It isn't what I planned or wanted, but I hope I can learn to be happy in this life. I hope I end the year a better person than when it began. It will be a long, tough year but, as long as I am working towards my goal, I should be able to make it.

Over the next year or so, I would love for one day to go by that I don't think, dream, or cry over my childless life. I'm not optimistic that will happen. Even so, I will get through it anyway. And at least now I have a plan, which is comforting for someone who loves to plan.

It should be an interesting year!

What is a Family?

Tonight, I was making cookies for a youth activity. I was watching/listening to the TV show 'The Biggest Loser' while I was baking.

Apparently, for this season, the contestants signed up in teams of two: either a parent and child or a husband and wife.

What I love is that they call the teams 'families'. They are referred to in that manner throughout the show. I think even the title is 'Biggest Loser - Families'. It was so nice hearing this.

Sometimes, I forget that Ryan and I are a 'family', just the two of us. I had always imagined that my family would consist of children. I am sure someday it will. But in the meantime, I need to remember that our family begins with us. Children, when they do come, will be a welcome addition.

Holdin' Babies

This last weekend, we visited with Trav and Britt and their little guy, Schroeder. During our visit, Brittany and I babysat for her friend's kids, a boy almost two and a girl Schroeder's age.

I got some time to hold some babies. The experience was kind-of emotional and spiritual for me. I know you are never really ready to become a mom but this weekend I felt strongly that I am as ready as I am going to be.

I could be wrong and (obviously) I am because I haven't been blessed with a child. I guess there is something else God wants me to learn. I wish I knew what that was.

I am just so ready to hold a baby of my own. I can't explain it, I just am. I hope someday soon my Father in Heaven will feel the same way. I pray for that day...

Thinking about things...

This weekend, I spent a lot of time alone, which allowed for a lot of time to think. It all started with an article on positive thinking that was passed around the office on Thursday by my boss. This weekend will end with a lesson I am teaching to the young women at church on Sunday about overcoming opposition. I also had a long talk with my mom and a couple of friends. I think someone is trying to tell me something.

This has led me to feel some things that are quite surprising...

I am 28 years old and I have been trying to be a mom since age 23. If you had told me at 23 that I would be 28 and still be waiting, I would have been shocked. I was one of those "have all your kids by age 30" women. I thought I'd have 4 kids: at age 24, 26, 28, and 30. I even had names for them all: Katelyn, Jack, Lexie and Wyatt. :)

Well, over time, that idea has slipped away. It was replaced with confusion, heartache and sometimes even anger. Rather than having all my kids by 30, I began wondering if I'd have even one child at all.

So, back to my weekend of contemplation. I am 28 1/2 years old at this point. Ignoring all the sadness that goes along with being childless in a child-filled world, I began to wonder what would be the big difference between becoming a mother at 29 versus 30 or 31. Suppose I could survive the wait, would it really make a difference?

The infertility world, along with the LDS culture in general, puts a lot of emphasis on time. When you are going through infertility, you feel like doctors stamp a big hourglass on your forehead. You are known by numbers: age, weight, and FSH (this is the hormone level that dictates how good of an egg reserve you have). You are constantly urged not to waste time or it "might not happen for you". When you are LDS, the important numbers are slightly different: age and length of time married. Married 8 years? Yeah, you should have kids by now.

I have been going through 5 years of this now: Hurry, don't waste time! You don't have the money? Then wait. Why are you waiting? You don't have time! That treatment's too expensive? Have you tried this? Get a loan for treatments. You have THAT much debt? Why are you waiting? Multiply and replenish the earth. I thought you'd do anything to be a mom! You're young, you have time. Your healthy. You should have done this treatment right away! Don't think about it. All you've done is clomid? It will happen in the Lord's time. Why don't you adopt? You're lucky, do you want my kids? Your treatment's not that expensive. Hey, just RELAX!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I'd like to meet the person who is not confused after 5 years of dealing with that!

I recently got my CFP(R) designation and have begun taking on clients. This weekend, I have been thinking about continuing with herbs and vitamins but, in the meantime, shifting my focus to building my business. If I throw my whole self into it, I could have my client base built by the time I'm 30. I would then be bringing in enough money to pay off all our debt and build a small cash reserve in less than 6 months. At that point, my discretionary income would be more than adequate to do a fertility treatment each month, if I chose. I would be 30 1/2 at that point, seven years of infertility.

The thought of bringing a baby (or babies) into this family at that time, with financial security and a solid part-time, work-mostly-from-home environment is lovely. It would give Ryan and I a chance to truly get on our feet, to live the way we know we should, debt-free and within our means. All this feels really good.

However, the idea of dealing with the heartbreak for another two years feels traumatic. It is really scary.

What if waiting those two years makes my chances of either conceiving or being chosen by a birth mom even slimmer? What if waiting means I will be forced to have less children? Will I make it through these next two years without becoming bitter towards all children and their unappreciative parents?

On the other hand, I am not preventing...I am completely open to a miraculous pregnancy, if God chooses to grant me one. A surprise pregnancy would be greeted with tears of gratitude and relief. I would just not try so hard in the meantime.

It is a horribly confusing place to be. More prayer, fasting, temple visiting, is needed I guess. No decisions have been made, I am just thinking about things. Trying to see this burden in a different light, trying to find a little happiness somehow, somewhere.

While I wait for answers, I will share that article passed around work. It is what started this weekend of reanalysis, trying to think outside the box. It is a really good article:

-------------------------------------------------------

Change your thoughts, change your life
Harvey Mackay

If what you see is what you get, what will you get?

That all depends on what you see.

A man pulled into a small restaurant on the outskirts of town. He remarked to his server: "I was just transferred to your town, and I've never been to this part of the country. What are people like here?"

"What are people like where you come from?" asked the server.

"Not so nice," the man replied. "In fact, they can be quite rude."

The server shook her head and said, "Well, I'm afraid you'll find the people in this town to be the same way."

A second gentleman came in and sat at a nearby table. He called out to the server. "I'm just moving to your area. Is it nice here?"

"Was it nice where you came from?" inquired the server.

"Oh, yes! I came from a great place. The people were friendly, and I hated to leave."

"Well, you'll find the same to be true of this town."

At hearing this, the first customer was irritated and asked his server, "So tell me, what is this town really like?"

She just shrugged her shoulders and said, "It's all a matter of perception. You'll find things to be just the way you think they are."

Is your glass half full or half empty?

What do you see? Do you love your job even though there are a few things that bug you? Or do you let the little annoyances drive you crazy and complain to your co-workers non-stop?

As radio commentator Paul Harvey once said: "I have never seen a monument erected to a pessimist."

A pessimist is one who makes difficulties out of opportunities. I've rarely seen a successful pessimist. You need to be able to look on the bright side of tough situations in order to take risks, and survive both successes and failures. The sooner you accept the fact that you will have both successes and failures, the easier it will be to get your business and personal life headed in the right direction.

An optimist, on the other hand, understands that life can be a bumpy road, but at least it is leading somewhere. They learn from mistakes and failures, and are not afraid to fail again. Optimists know that as long as you get up after you're knocked down, you are not defeated.

The annals of business are full of successful people who have gone bankrupt, lost companies, faced public humiliation and still came out on top. The only difference was their attitude: They believed in themselves and the others around them. Hard work, discipline and, occasionally, a little bit of luck kept them going. There's no reason it can't work for all of us, too.

In his book, How to Stop Worrying and Start Living, which I highly recommend, Dale Carnegie tells the story of a young man who worried himself into a nervous breakdown. He worried about everything: his weight, his hair, money, being a father, losing the girl he wanted to marry and what others thought about him. He worried that he had ulcers.

Eventually, his worry made it impossible for him to work. Something had to give, and that was when he had his breakdown.

The young man avoided everyone and cried a lot. He decided to go to Florida to see whether a change in scenery would help him. When he got on the train, his father handed him a letter and told him not to open it until he reached his destination. He was even more miserable in Florida than he had been at home.

Finally, he opened the letter from his father, which read: "Son, you are 1,500 miles from home, and you don't feel any different, do you? I knew you wouldn't because you took with you the one thing that is the cause of all your trouble: that is, yourself. There is nothing wrong with either your body or your mind. It is not the situations you have met that have thrown you; it is what you think of these situations. 'As a man thinketh in his heart, so he is.' When you realize that son, come home, for you will be cured."

After some reflection, he realized his father was right. It was not the world that needed to change; it was merely the lens of his mind that needed adjustment.

Mackay's Moral: If seeing is believing, start seeing the bright side.

Patiently Playing Mama

Our recent beach trip was a blast, with one tragic aftermath...my dear husband is burnt. And by burnt, I don't mean touch a spot and watch it turn from white to red, I mean radiating, excruciating, haven't-slept-for-three-days burnt.

So I am being Ms. Nurse today: rubbing aloe on his back, running tepid water baths, changing dressings every 15 minutes. I am taking care of him, right down to fixing his favorite meals, washing sheets, divvying out medicine, you name it.

In doing so, I am reminded of my own mother. When I was sick, my mom wasn't the "lay on the couch, here's the remote" type. She would do everything she could to make the experience of being sick as pleasant as possible. I remember her changing the sheets often during the day, so I would have cool, clean sheets to lie in. She would snuggle with me and watch daytime TV, like Magnum PI or Matlock. She would buy me my favorite popsicles or make me homemade chicken noodle soup. To this day, she still offers homemade soup whenever I am sick.

I guess I inherited some of this. I've heard that you grow to love others more when you serve them. In trying to help Ryan, I show him I love him and my love grows in return.

As I was sitting next to him, he told me jokingly, "You're gonna make a great nurse". I replied to him, "No, I'm going to make a great mom."

They say that you should be grateful for your trials and the things you have learned from them. It's difficult to be grateful for infertility. However, what I am grateful for is the person that I have become because of it. I will be a much more patient, appreciative, compassionate, knowledgeable, tender-hearted mother than I ever would have been otherwise. I try to think back on myself at 23, and the mother I would have been if I had gotten pregnant right away with no sacrifice or struggle from which to learn and grow. Don't get me wrong, I think I would have been a good mother.

But now, years later, I think I will be great. Maybe I needed these last several years to become what I ought to be. And, perhaps, there's still more learning and growing to be done.

"Everything happens for a reason..."

Does everything happen for a reason? Even though I hate when people tell me this, thinking these thoughts provides comfort through tough times. But is it really true?

Last week I went to lunch with a friend, during which she was talking about working part-time while being a mom. I was interested, as this is my plan as well. She mentioned that working outside the home for a certain time each week is really good for her. She never realized it before she had kids, but staying home with them all the time would not have suited her personality. She would have struggled and felt resentful and the kids would have suffered for that.

There have been some great side benefits too. Because her husband works as a fireman with an alternating schedule, they are both able to participate fairly equally in raising the child. Baby is usually with either mom, dad, or both. She was nervous the first time she left the baby with dad only for a while, but doing so has been wonderful for him and the baby. He may be one of few dads out there who is completely comfortable feeding, changing, comforting, and playing with his son. They now share a special bond, just the two of them.

As she was describing this, something hit me. Maybe I wasn't just killing time trying to get pregnant, somehow falling into a career. Maybe this is all part of a special plan for me.

All my life, I never thought I would work at all when I was a mom. As recently as a year ago, I might have walked away from my job completely once that dream came true. But perhaps that is not what I was destined to do. Perhaps I am supposed to have an outlet in which to do something for others, help provide for my family, and give my husband a portion of the responsibility and privilege of caring for our kids.

When I look back, I first started trying to conceive my senior year of college (2003). The idea was to graduate just before I delivered and to stay at home. Well, of course, that didn't happen and so we came back to the Central Valley and I started looking for a job.

And that's all I wanted, just a job to pay the bills. My idea was to help Ryan through the Police Academy and then go to school (1 class at a time) while I raised my kids. Once they were all grown up, I would have a short career as a Marriage and Family Therapist.

So, I start a job working for a financial planner. A short time into it, he mentions the idea of becoming one myself. He tells me it would have the opportunity of working part-time when my kids were young. I, of course, dismiss it. After all, I already knew how my life was going to go.

Years pass...still no baby. I try out the MFT masters program and decide it's not for me. I begin to consider the idea of financial planning. I decide to give the classes a try. They were difficult, and I have no doubt that if children had come, I may have thrown in the towel, but they didn't, so I kept going.

Over a year goes by and here I sit. Too invested in this career and loving it too much to quit now, I think about how far I have come and where I should go from here. We have been admonished as LDS women to stay home with our kids, and that has always been the plan from the beginning.

In reflection, I can't help but think that this is the way I'm supposed to go. Ryan's career has that alternate schedule which offers me a slight variation on staying home. What about a stay-at-home mom-and/or-dad? With an occasional afternoon with Grandma? Can that really work? I guess time will tell...

I don't know all the answers, but I feel good about where I am. I know that no time is the "perfect" time to start a family, but maybe these last 5 years have not been the right time. Perhaps God knew there were certain things I need to accomplish first. That I needed to get right here, right now and that is why He's waiting. For His "perfect" time, not mine.

My life is not what I imagined it to be...but maybe everything happens for a reason...