Thursday, January 25, 2007

One Last Time

Last night, I took my last three Clomid pills. It was kind-of weird to think that this is the last time I’ll take Clomid. If we aren’t successful, we move on to the next step.

So this cycle will be a duplicate of last time: 150mg of Clomid (days 3-7), begin estrogen patch day 8, scan on day 12, IUI 2 days later, and progesterone supplements from that time until I take the pregnancy test. Doing all of this, the success rate is about 10%.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

In Reflection

Just this morning, I was pondering my failed IUI procedure. The disappointment is still there, but it’s eased a bit. I was forcing myself to look at the bright side of this situation, and actually found there was one.

There are two types of good fathers in this world: born-fathers (who desire a baby from the beginning and whose heart breaks as much, or more, than their wife’s when it doesn’t happen) and love-at-first-sight fathers (The guy who knows he wants to be a dad someday, but the burning desire is lessened. It doesn’t completely click until the situation is actually at hand.)

Ryan fits into this second group of guys; so did his dad and his grandpa. All were excellent fathers, but were born without that raw emotion the first group experiences before the baby is even conceived. At first, I fought this and longed for Ryan to be in that first group. I felt so alone. Although he was there for support, I was the one carrying all the emotion. It felt like going into a lion’s cage. He was there to talk me through it from the outside looking in, but I was the only one fighting the beast.

Then one day he said something that stuck with me. If he were exactly like me, we would be two people falling apart. Who would be the strong one?

Fast-forward to this last cycle…
There is that time in a woman's cycle between the time you ovulate and the time you either start your next cycle or find out your pregnant. In the world of infertility, this is called the 2WW (two week wait). This 2WW is agonizing, as the looming possibility of pregnancy is incredibly difficult to ignore. In the 3 ½ years since we began thinking baby (that's about 45 cycles, mind you) during every two week wait, I would bring up the question, "I wonder if it happened this month?" Every single time, without fail, Ryan would say it didn't happen. So, this last month when I asked and he said "yes", I was shocked! He truly believed I was pregnant this time.

So when I wasn’t, he was stunned, and a little disappointed. I am not sure if his disappointment was a surprise to him, but it certainly was to me. Since that time, I have noticed small changes in him. He has now set a timeline for how we will proceed with this burden. I am not saying he is crying with me; the change has been subtle but it’s there. He seems a little more comfortable talking about the situation, which made this whole thing almost worth it. Almost…

This reflection, along with the knowledge that there are other options which we are both comfortable with, has lightened the load and brought a new batch of optimism and motivation that was desperately needed. For this hurdle, he will be the strong one. There will be other times when I will be strong, but for right now I will let him hold me up.

Monday, January 15, 2007

I am getting exhausted...

I am getting exhausted of this fertility stuff not working. But I'm not giving up. On to next cycle!

Tuesday, January 2, 2007


Definition of IUI: An IUI -- intrauterine insemination -- is performed by threading a very thin flexible catheter through the cervix and injecting washed sperm directly into the uterus.

I made it through the IUI today. Ryan had to work, so my mom went with me. Ryan called just before to tell me he wished he was there, which was really sweet. Maybe he'll be able to come next time (hopefully, there won't be a next time though!)

Last night, I felt a lot of pulling on my left side, and then this morning I felt the same thing on my right. I hope this is a good sign.

The procedure went well this morning, perfect is what the nurse said. It wasn't the most pleasant experience. There was this internal cramping going on that kind-of made me nauseous, but it wasn't bad. I have survived worse! Afterward, I laid on the table for about 20 minutes. Then I was done!

The nurse said it is certainly possible that all 4 of these eggs fertilize and stick, but it is unlikely. It would really frighten me to have 4 babies at once, but I would do it. Beggars can't be choosers, isn't that how the saying goes?

And now we wait...