I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before, but it is funny how infertility changes you, and permeates every aspect of your life.
One small example is how I think about money. Dollars? What are those? Everything in my life is valued in treatment terms now… and this new currency comes with a ridiculous exchange rate!
A nice night out with the hubby is no longer fifty dollars. It is now an Ovidril Ovulation Trigger Shot.
My husband’s new uniform and boots cost one vile of Follistim Egg-Stimulating Hormone.
I projected our taxes for 2010, and in April we will owe the government one complete medicated cycle.
Sometimes it’s funny to think about, sometimes it’s depressing…
I need new tires on my car. There goes an IUI.
Our electric bill is 3 bottles of prenatals.
I can’t turn it off.
!!!
Anyone else use infertility currency???
Showing posts with label Money. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Money. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Sunday, October 19, 2008
My Life in 2009
One strong characteristic of mine is punctuality. I am usually on-time for everything: a party, a meeting, you name it. When I am late (or when I think I might be) I stress a bit. It makes me uncomfortable.
My cycles have always been the same way. Regardless of the spotting issue over the last 5 years, I have always been regular, on-time.
This month was different. Although I got major cramps on 'Day 1', my cycle had not started. The next day, I was so nauseous I could barely move. I tried Sprite, canned pears, hard candy, saltine crackers, all the usual stuff, and nothing helped. I was sick all morning. This was the first time in years I dared think I might be pregnant. The nausea faded that evening. I must have had a touch of the stomach flu. Even so, the next day (should be 'Day 3'), still no period. I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. That night, I finally started.
During this confusing chain of events, there was a day or so when I actually thought I might be pregnant. While I was 99% excited (albeit afraid to hope), about 1% felt unprepared. Now I know the mantra: 'You are never fully ready to become a parent'. I have heard that a million times and I believe it, I promise. But the tiny, minuscule, not-viewable-with-the-naked-eye silver lining on the dark cloud of infertility is that we get more time than most to prepare for the job of parenthood. I mean, infertility is all about waiting: waiting for the next cycle, waiting for the next treatment, waiting to save money for the next treatment, waiting to be chosen by a birth-mom, waiting for paperwork to be processed, waiting for test results, waiting for answers, waiting for blessings, just waiting.
While you wait, you might as well become the best parent-to-be you can, right?
Over the past several weeks, I have been reviewing my life and what it will take to achieve that goal of parenthood. I am in no financial position to seek adoption or fertility treatments right now. At this point, it seems those options will not be available until at least 2010. Therefore, my life in 2009 will consist of more waiting. So, how do I pass the time while I wait? There are several areas I need to work on:
Financial: Seeing that my finances are the reason for the delay, there is a lot to do in this department.
In the first four years of our marriage, Ryan and I racked up some consumer debt. Some of it is from unexpected and necessary expenses, some is a result of irresponsible purchases. Once I started working in financial planning, our habits changed. Unfortunately, rectifying the situation has been slow going. I am hoping in 2009, as I get my career going, our progress will speed up. I want to be consumer debt-free (or at least have my debt tamed) by the end of 2009. Then I can pursue adoption or fertility treatments with a clear conscience because I am bringing a child into a financially secure and responsible household.
My cycles have always been the same way. Regardless of the spotting issue over the last 5 years, I have always been regular, on-time.
This month was different. Although I got major cramps on 'Day 1', my cycle had not started. The next day, I was so nauseous I could barely move. I tried Sprite, canned pears, hard candy, saltine crackers, all the usual stuff, and nothing helped. I was sick all morning. This was the first time in years I dared think I might be pregnant. The nausea faded that evening. I must have had a touch of the stomach flu. Even so, the next day (should be 'Day 3'), still no period. I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. That night, I finally started.
During this confusing chain of events, there was a day or so when I actually thought I might be pregnant. While I was 99% excited (albeit afraid to hope), about 1% felt unprepared. Now I know the mantra: 'You are never fully ready to become a parent'. I have heard that a million times and I believe it, I promise. But the tiny, minuscule, not-viewable-with-the-naked-eye silver lining on the dark cloud of infertility is that we get more time than most to prepare for the job of parenthood. I mean, infertility is all about waiting: waiting for the next cycle, waiting for the next treatment, waiting to save money for the next treatment, waiting to be chosen by a birth-mom, waiting for paperwork to be processed, waiting for test results, waiting for answers, waiting for blessings, just waiting.
While you wait, you might as well become the best parent-to-be you can, right?
Over the past several weeks, I have been reviewing my life and what it will take to achieve that goal of parenthood. I am in no financial position to seek adoption or fertility treatments right now. At this point, it seems those options will not be available until at least 2010. Therefore, my life in 2009 will consist of more waiting. So, how do I pass the time while I wait? There are several areas I need to work on:
Financial: Seeing that my finances are the reason for the delay, there is a lot to do in this department.
In the first four years of our marriage, Ryan and I racked up some consumer debt. Some of it is from unexpected and necessary expenses, some is a result of irresponsible purchases. Once I started working in financial planning, our habits changed. Unfortunately, rectifying the situation has been slow going. I am hoping in 2009, as I get my career going, our progress will speed up. I want to be consumer debt-free (or at least have my debt tamed) by the end of 2009. Then I can pursue adoption or fertility treatments with a clear conscience because I am bringing a child into a financially secure and responsible household.
Spiritual: I need to work out my relationship with God. I wrote a bit about it in Un-stuff that anger. It is the most important thing I need to work on.
Mental: I want to grow my career and become the best financial planner I can be. Although I enjoy what I do, I am often distracted at work by my feelings toward my infertility. Over the last few months especially, I have been struggling to keep the two separate and my work has begun to be affected by my sadness. I'd like that to stop, if possible.
I also am learning new and useful things, all those things that will help me be a great mom. How to grocery shop on a budget, cleaning tricks, and perfecting the art of chocolate chip cookie baking.
Emotional: I plan to continue with therapy as long as I find it helpful. I have recognized that I am dealing with some depression, and I am trying to work through that. I want to 'take care of myself' more by giving myself a break. If I would rather be alone on a Saturday night than go out with friends, that's okay. I'm not going to force myself to go to 'child events' if I am struggling that day. And I will not be attending church on Mother's Day (unless I go with my mom). After five years of torturous experiences dealing with that day, I refuse to do that to myself anymore.
Physical: I could be healthier. I could be stronger. In a couple years, I may be asking my body to do extrordinary things. I could prepare now to make that time in the future easier on myself, should I become pregnant with a child (or children).
So, this would be my life in 2009. It isn't what I planned or wanted, but I hope I can learn to be happy in this life. I hope I end the year a better person than when it began. It will be a long, tough year but, as long as I am working towards my goal, I should be able to make it.
Over the next year or so, I would love for one day to go by that I don't think, dream, or cry over my childless life. I'm not optimistic that will happen. Even so, I will get through it anyway. And at least now I have a plan, which is comforting for someone who loves to plan.
It should be an interesting year!
Sunday, September 16, 2007
When it rains, it pours... and I can't find my umbrella.
Over the last few months, medical billing statements have arrived as a result of my recent surgery last June. Adding up the charges, it seemed I would end up paying about $400 for the surgery out-of-pocket. I was pretty satisfied, as the surgery was the first fertility "treatment" which my insurance would participate in paying.
Yesterday, I picked up my mail only to find a "love letter" from Clovis Community Hospital. Seems I will actually be paying about $2500 out-of-pocket for the surgery.
Now, I have been told by some people that "money is no object - we would pay whatever we needed to have a child". This is all very noble and good, but until you have been in my position, you have no idea what it is like when the only thing preventing you from reaching for your dream is money.
What started out as a desperate attempt to find out the reason I have not been able to conceive a child has now turned into the most expensive fertility "treatment" I have paid (am paying) for thus far.
Even though I would like to tell myself that the surgery was a mistake, I know that if it had turned out differently, I would have called it the best decision I could have made.
It's all a gamble. This is just the game we pay when we are lucky enough to not only be "infertile", but have health insurance that doesn't see that as a problem worth paying for. Along with the heartbreak of infertility, we get to be slapped in the face on a regular basis by the reality that all this costs money.
When will I be able to pursue agressive fertility treatments? Well, I refuse to miss out on parenthood over something as futile as money. This unexpected bump will not be a road block. It has slowed us down, but will not crush us. It will take some time, but Clovis Community Hospital will get their money. And then we'll move on from there...
Yesterday, I picked up my mail only to find a "love letter" from Clovis Community Hospital. Seems I will actually be paying about $2500 out-of-pocket for the surgery.
Now, I have been told by some people that "money is no object - we would pay whatever we needed to have a child". This is all very noble and good, but until you have been in my position, you have no idea what it is like when the only thing preventing you from reaching for your dream is money.
What started out as a desperate attempt to find out the reason I have not been able to conceive a child has now turned into the most expensive fertility "treatment" I have paid (am paying) for thus far.
Even though I would like to tell myself that the surgery was a mistake, I know that if it had turned out differently, I would have called it the best decision I could have made.
It's all a gamble. This is just the game we pay when we are lucky enough to not only be "infertile", but have health insurance that doesn't see that as a problem worth paying for. Along with the heartbreak of infertility, we get to be slapped in the face on a regular basis by the reality that all this costs money.
When will I be able to pursue agressive fertility treatments? Well, I refuse to miss out on parenthood over something as futile as money. This unexpected bump will not be a road block. It has slowed us down, but will not crush us. It will take some time, but Clovis Community Hospital will get their money. And then we'll move on from there...
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