Sunday, June 7, 2009

The Climb

Nearly three years ago, when we first moved into our house, I took dinner to a young couple in our church who had just had their first baby. At that time, I had been trying to begin my family for three years. I remember looking at this new mom. She seemed so young and so newly married, it made me wonder, why can she begin her family while I still have to wait?

I barely knew her, so I was a bit nervous dropping off the pizza I had picked up for them on the way home from work. I practically threw the pizza in her arms and almost rushed away without even seeing the baby!

Nearly three years later, tonight in fact, I again took dinner to this new mom. She had her third child last Friday. This beautiful woman has had three children, while I am still waiting for one.

She is the sweetest gal, and I like her very much. As I left their house (a mother, father, and three young children), I couldn't help but think how strange it is to watch someone else live your life. Not really your life, but the life you always thought you would have.

Being Mormon, I am constantly surrounded by other people living my life. They are everywhere I look. Their families grow, year after year, and I stay the same.

Learning to live a life that is different than you imagined is a work in progress. I'm not sure I will ever be completely content with where I am right now. So, I am trying to enjoy the process.

A while back, I compared my infertility to a miserable but incredibly rewarding hike I did last summer. Since then, I have noticed even more how similar these experiences really are.

I recently heard a song that uses the same climbing analogy, encouraging you to learn to enjoy (or at least appreciate) the journey. I am supposed to be learning something from all this. What? I still don't know. Maybe that's the reason I've been climbing for so long...

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it.

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make
Feels lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments
That I'm going to remember most
Just got to keep going

I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb


Emily said...

So good to hear from you. What a difficult experience that must have been.
Always thinking of you...

brandya said...

Your are simply amazing! You are so eloquent with words and you always seem to express exactly how I am feeling. I often wonder, "What am I supposed to learn from this journey?" myself. I wish you all the luck and love in the world. You are amazing in every single way and I appreciate your blog. It always brings me comfort and peace. I hope that your dreams come true sooner rather than later! Thank you for being you! Thank you for being a light and example to me and so many others. You always help me find the sunshine beyond the clouds!

Savannah said...

I can totally relate to that. We were by far the first of our friends to years. We've been married 8 years. All our friends married within the last 3 or 4 years and they are now all expecting their 2nd child. One friend had two little girls 10 months apart! Plus she had a miscarriage before then. She literally was pregnant about 21 months out of 2 years. I feel so left behind now that these families are growing around me while we continue to remain the same. I've had a hard time with that lately, what's the point, it's not like anything has changed the last several years. We're still waiting...
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, you always word things better than I do. If I had told the same story, I would have come out the bad guy trying to pick fights and be mean. Seriously every time I talk about infertility SIL thinks its a direct assault against her and then no one will talk to us.

James, Stephanie & Kayley said...

I am sorry to find other couples out there in the same situation as us but glad to know we are not alone. We just had our 7th anniversary and we know that we will not be able to have biological children. We have one adopted daughter who is 2.
I would like to add your blog to my blog list.
Best Wishes,

Rebecca said...

I love that song, and listen to it daily. It really spoke to me too the first time I heard it.

I totally get the left behind feelings. I'm there so often. (((HUGS)))

Lemons said...

Wow! That song has touched me so much too! Hang in there, I can so relate with your feelings that every where around you people are are living the life you always thought you would. Sometimes I wonder what joy I will find in life if I can't be a mom? I'm trying to trust that it can still happen, that there is still some plan for me. Faith and trust are so much more complicated than they sound. You are in my prayers! Thanks for being a great support to me, more than you know!

Melinda said...

I don't know you, and you don't know me. I've been reading every now and again, my heart truly aches for all who are in your position and I guess I read these blogs in an effort to find some way that I might be able to ease the burden of someone in a similar situation. I got to your blog linked from Brandy's (one of my good college friends), and I agree with all previous comments, but I have to say on a lighter note that when I read the part where you "simply can't listen to [Miley Cyrus]" I had to smile because while I can't personally relate to your situation, I CAN relate to your taste there :-) I know nothing can REALLY help, but I've always loved this quote and thought you might like it too: "Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, THEY COME." -Elder Jeffrey R Holland (emphasis added)

Emily said...

Thank you for the supportive comments. You did suggest it & I totally forgot to give credit where credit is due. My apologies and thank you for the suggestion! Hope summer is off to a good start for you :)