Thursday, November 22, 2007

28 Reasons to Smile

In honor of my 28th birthday (which just happened to fall on Thanksgiving this year), I have decided to identify "28 Reasons to Smile". In other words, 28 things I am thankful for (although I chose the other title because it just felt so cheerful - and who doesn't need more reasons to smile?).

It is so important to remember your blessings, especially when times are tough, so I thought I'd throw a link to my "28 Reasons" on this Fertility Blog, so that I can remind myself what blessings I truly do have.


Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Fertility and Faith

This is the strength behind 4+ years of dealing with infertility.

Sunday, November 18, 2007


In church today, the speaker read a little poem that I had heard long ago and had since forgotten. It really spoke to me, and I thought I'd share it.

I know not by what methods rare,
But this I know, God answers prayer.
I know that He has given His Word,
Which tells me prayer is always heard,
And will be answered, soon or late.
And so I pray and calmly wait.

I know not if the blessing sought
Will come in just the way I thought;
But leave my prayers with Him alone,
Whose will is wiser than my own,
Assured that He will grant my quest,
Or send some answer far more blest.

- Eliza M. Hickok

Sunday, November 11, 2007

The Ups and Downs

These last few days have been quite the roller coaster. All this time, I have thought that I alone carried the stress and frustration of infertility, while Ryan escaped unscathed. Turns out, I was mistaken. Sparing the details, we came to the point that all of the strain and pressure was too much. And we snapped.

Although he would like to be a Dad someday, Ryan can’t take much more of the intense emotion that has been sharing space in our marriage for years now. He doesn’t want to see his wife fall apart on a daily basis and, you know, I can’t blame him. I am exhausted with this process as well. The most frustrating thing is that I want to DO SOMETHING, to MAKE PROGRESS, to be PROACTIVE, and our current situation does not allow for that. Because, you see, procreation is expensive for those of us who must pay for it…

So after a couple of talks, we have cleared up our misunderstandings and discussed our differences. Today, I am opening another bank account. I will funnel money there, a little at a time, as I am able. Once I have saved $3500, I will use the first $2000 for sinus surgery (I have to get this done before I can pursue pregnancy). Then, I will use the remaining $1500 for a Gonal-f / IUI treatment.

In the meantime, I will go back-to-basics and pull out that dusty ovulation predictor. Yeah, I know that the doc said my chances are <1%, but people beat the odds all the time. Doctors are good, but God is greater.

And all the while, I will concentrate on being happy. Happy with my husband, my family, my friends, and all those things I am so incredibly blessed to have. And those difficult days that will inevitably come? I’ll unload my feelings here, instead of dumping them on my husband. Because all he wants to do is make them go away. But he can’t.
No one can.

Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups and downs and sometimes you just want off! But other times, you just throw your hands up and try to enjoy the ride. Because, after all, you are not at the controls.