Wednesday, June 30, 2010

A Bump in the Road

Back on June 7th, I met with Missy at Dr S' office. She went over the details of my treatment. I had just begun a new cycle, but we weren't financially ready then to get going. Walking out to the parking lot, we decided we would go for it on the very next cycle.

Upon looking at the calendar, I realized that I would be at Girls' Camp when I begin the next cycle. Although I am so excited for Girls' Camp, I was so disappointed to have to wait another month. I have waited so long for this already!!

After sitting in disappointment for three weeks, I decided to call the doctor and see if there was another alternative. Sure enough, there was!

On Day 3 of my next cycle, I would begin taking birth control for 1 week. At the end of that week, I would go in for my ultrasound and we can proceed with treatment from there. So instead of waiting another month, I would just have to wait one week.

I wrestled with the idea of taking birth control for a while. I am anti-birth control after being on it for 3 years and watching it change my cycle permanently. After thinking about it for a while and seeking advice from a friend, I decided to go for it. I mean, with all the hormones I am going to be putting in my body, birth control for 1 week should be the least of my concerns.

I am also trying to trust my fertility clinic. I will still listen to my gut feelings, and be my own advocate, but I am going to treat them like the experts they are. I think sometimes I tend to question everything, which brings on stress and anxiety. Instead, I am trying to relax and let them guide the course. After all, it is their job.

All of this extra planning could be unnecessary anyway. If I start a few days early or a few days late, we can just proceed as planned. If I am right on time, it's nice to know we have another option besides delaying another month.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Father's Day

Father's Day has always been a bit easier than Mother's Day. Maybe it's because hubby has handled our infertility much more gracefully than I have, I'm not sure. That is why today surprised me... it was harder than I expected.

At church this morning, I watched all of the kids come up to the front and sing to their dads. It was adorable, and achingly sad. I still have no child up there.

The Bishop asked all fathers to stand and receive their treat. Ryan wasn't even there (he was working). So why did it hurt so much not to see him standing up next to me?

When I headed out to my car to leave, I saw kids jumping into minivans and SUVs. I couldn't help but wonder what surprises were waiting for those dads at home. Maybe their favorite item for dinner, or a yummy dessert? A scribbled drawing or just a father's day hug? All things that I knew my husband would not be receiving today.

The day turned when I went to my Dad's tonight. I gave him a long hug and thought of all those out there who don't have their fathers to hold. Those who have dads in the military. People who might not know their dad. Or perhaps those with fathers who have passed away. What these people would give for what I still have...

Finally, I thought of my Father in Heaven. The One who has treated me as only a parent could. He forgives me when I stomp my feet and question why. He feels my pain and understands my frustrations. He withholds blessings, as much as it hurts me, because there is a greater purpose. And when I forget that, He quietly reminds me.

And He reminded me today.

I hope all those dads out there had a wonderful Father's Day. I want to wish my hubby a Happy Father's Day too. Thank you for sacrificing so much to help me become a mom someday.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Seeing the End from the Beginning

A few Sunday's ago, I had what I refer to as a 'bitter day'. It was just one of those days when the sadness, jealousy and anger were overwhelming. It was also the first Sunday of the month, which means it was the time when church members are invited up to share their testimony in front of the congregation.

Because it was a bitter day, it felt that everyone was talking about receiving answers to their prayers. Sitting in the pew below, I couldn't get the thought out of my head that my one consistent prayer still hasn't been answered. They talked about the faith they had, and how God rewarded that faith with some blessing they desired. Of course, all I heard was: If you had faith, you'd get your blessing too.

Afterward, as I sat in class waiting for Sunday School to start, I was digging in my church bag and found an old quote from a previous class. It was from Elder Boyd K. Packer:

"Shortly after I was called as a General Authority, I went to Elder Harold B. Lee for counsel. He listened very carefully to my problem and suggested that I see President David O. McKay. President McKay counseled me as to the direction I should go. I was very willing to be obedient but saw no way possible for me to do as he counseled me to do.

"I returned to Elder Lee and told him that I saw no way to move in the direction I was counseled to go. He said, 'The trouble with you is you want to see the end from the beginning.' I replied that I would like to see at least a step or two ahead. Then came the lesson of a lifetime: 'You must learn to walk to the edge of the light, and then a few steps into the darkness; then the light will appear and show the way before you'."

That's me!! I want to see the end from the beginning.

I feel as though I've been walking in years of darkness. Sometimes it is so dark, I'm sure I must have gotten lost. But deep down I know that I have to keep going, if I ever want to see that light that is waiting to show me the way.

Although I still felt frustrated, and a little bitter, finding this quote helped me to take a deep breath and continue through the day. I am grateful that, even though He hasn't chosen to bless me with my biggest desire, God does reach out and touch me sometimes, and reminds me not to give up.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Please Pray for Ryan’s Job…

After years and years of hard work and prayers, we have finally gotten ourselves to the point that we can afford to begin infertility treatments on a limited basis beginning at the end of the summer.

Now, after all of the years of high expectations and crushing disappointments, Ryan is in danger of being laid off due to budget cuts in our local police department.

Ryan is such a hard worker, and if work ethic was the determining factor I wouldn’t be worried a bit. He is awesome at what he does, and his co-workers like working with him. Unfortunately, in a bureaucracy like the police department, seniority rules. Over the last 3 years, Ryan had worked his way up to have seniority over 6 people. The last six months has whittled away 4 of these people already. So the concern is real.

I know whatever happens, we’ll make it through. We always have. I just want an opportunity for my shot at parenthood to work out for once…