The Climb

Nearly three years ago, when we first moved into our house, I took dinner to a young couple in our church who had just had their first baby. At that time, I had been trying to begin my family for three years. I remember looking at this new mom. She seemed so young and so newly married, it made me wonder, why can she begin her family while I still have to wait?

I barely knew her, so I was a bit nervous dropping off the pizza I had picked up for them on the way home from work. I practically threw the pizza in her arms and almost rushed away without even seeing the baby!

Nearly three years later, tonight in fact, I again took dinner to this new mom. She had her third child last Friday. This beautiful woman has had three children, while I am still waiting for one.

She is the sweetest gal, and I like her very much. As I left their house (a mother, father, and three young children), I couldn't help but think how strange it is to watch someone else live your life. Not really your life, but the life you always thought you would have.

Being Mormon, I am constantly surrounded by other people living my life. They are everywhere I look. Their families grow, year after year, and I stay the same.

Learning to live a life that is different than you imagined is a work in progress. I'm not sure I will ever be completely content with where I am right now. So, I am trying to enjoy the process.

A while back, I compared my infertility to a miserable but incredibly rewarding hike I did last summer. Since then, I have noticed even more how similar these experiences really are.

I recently heard a song that uses the same climbing analogy, encouraging you to learn to enjoy (or at least appreciate) the journey. I am supposed to be learning something from all this. What? I still don't know. Maybe that's the reason I've been climbing for so long...

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it.

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make
Feels lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments
That I'm going to remember most
Just got to keep going

I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

First Come, First Served

Congratulating a fellow infertile on their pregnancy is always an interesting dynamic.

On one hand, I am truly excited for them, and grateful they have moved on to the next adventure.

On the other hand, a small part of me can't help but feel a little deflated. Why not me? I've been waiting longer.

It's then I have to remind myself that parenthood is not a first-come, first-served blessing.

And so I wait...