The Price We Pay

A passage read in church two weeks ago touched me greatly.

Those who aren't members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (LDS) may not know some of the amazing stories of pioneers who made their way across the country to the Salt Lake Valley. One of the most heartbreaking was the Martin Handcart Company.

Because of the unexpected delays and other unfortunate circumstances, over two hundred members of the Willie and Martin handcart companies died before they could reach the Salt Lake Valley. None of the other handcart companies coming to the valley before or after them suffered so many problems.

Some years after the Martin company made their journey to Salt Lake City, a teacher in a Church class commented how foolish it was for the Martin company to come across the plains when it did. The teacher criticized the Church leaders for allowing a company to make such a journey without more supplies and protection.

An old man sitting in the classroom listened for a few moments and then spoke out, asking that the criticism be stopped. He said, “Mistake to send the Handcart Company out so late in the season? Yes. But I was in that company and my wife was in it. … We suffered beyond anything you can imagine and many died of exposure and starvation, but did you ever hear a survivor of that company utter a word of criticism? Not one of that company ever apostatized or left the Church, because everyone of us came through with the absolute knowledge that God lives, for we became acquainted with him in our extremities [difficulties].

“I have pulled my handcart when I was so weak and weary from illness and lack of food that I could hardly put one foot ahead of the other. I have looked ahead and seen a patch of sand or a hill slope and I have said, I can go only that far and there I must give up, for I cannot pull the load through it. … I have gone on to that sand and when I reached it, the cart began pushing me. I have looked back many times to see who was pushing my cart, but my eyes saw no one. I knew then that the angels of God were there.

“Was I sorry that I chose to come by handcart? No. Neither then nor any minute of my life since. The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay, and I am thankful that I was privileged to come in the Martin Handcart Company.”

During our trials and struggles, do we ever look back to see who is pushing us through? I know there have been many times the angels of God have pushed me onward. How selfish I've been not to acknowledge that.

This gentleman (who had been through hell and back) stated, "Everyone of us came through with the absolute knowledge that God lives, for we became acquainted with him in our extremities. The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay".

Is it possible to consider my trials, including infertility, as a privilege? It takes such a strong person to think of hardships in this way. I'm afraid I am not that strong.

Although I have never experienced a fraction of the heartache felt by the Martin Handcart Company, I believe in the last six years I have come to know God more now than I ever have before.

And for that, I am grateful.

Thank you

For those who have left supportive comments, sent me private emails, or called to encourage me over the last week or so, I just want to say thank you.

I have mentioned it several times before: I never started this blog to receive sympathy or comments. It is a place to laugh and cry about the world of infertility. Someday, I hope my children will read this and know how much they are loved.

All of the support and encouragement that has come my way as a result of this blog has been unanticipated, but gratefully received. I fear I will never repay you for all the times you have lifted me up over the years. Some of you are dear, dear friends, while others I will never meet face to face. Regardless, you have touched my life and I am forever indebted. Thank you!

Life Lesson

Browsing on a Internet social networking site, I paused on the page of a friend of mine. An acquaintance from high school, we weren't super close, but she was a friendly face who always had something sweet to say.

Recently married, one child, and pregnant with her second, she seemed to have everything I ever wanted. I wondered why everything seemed so easy for everyone else but me. Of course, staring at the computer screen, I only saw the happiness in her life, and not the hidden difficulties she might have been working through.

Never, NEVER compare your life with someone else. Never think things come easy to someone else. Never begrudge someone else's happiness.

This beautiful woman is now going through something I can not ever imagine, facing a horrible situation no one should have to experience. My heart is literally breaking for her.

There is a quote by Plato that reads, Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. We have no idea the difficulties and, sometimes, full-on tragedies that another person is experiencing behind closed doors.

Be grateful for the people in your life, the blessings you've been given, and the happiness you have. Never forget to look up from your own worries and say a prayer for someone else.

How to Celebrate Thanksgiving

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I wanted to share this poem. I am working on each and every line, but especially the last one.

How to Celebrate Thanksgiving
Author Unknown

Count your blessings instead of your crosses;
Count your gains instead of your losses.
Count your joys instead of your woes;
Count your friends instead of your foes.
Count your smiles instead of your tears;
Count your courage instead of your fears.
Count your full years instead of your lean;
Count your kind deeds instead of your mean.
Count your health instead of your wealth;
Count on God instead of yourself.

Life's Little Gifts

I had an amazing time with my husband the last two nights. We didn't do anything particularly unusual, just spent time alone together, him and me. What we shared would not have been possible with children running around the house. This is one of those times I am choosing to be grateful for the place I am right now.

Lucky? No... Blessed.

As I have expressed many times in the past, Ryan and I have different emotions towards our infertility. While at times I am distraught over the whole thing, Ryan is calm and cool. He wants to be a dad, but is okay with whatever amount of time it takes to get there. In the meantime, he is content to go on small trips and fix up our house.

I, on the other hand, am like a roller coaster. I can be calm for a while and then the whole situation buries me and I am out of control. I have a hard time just enjoying the ride.

So it's safe to say I have often felt like he is not as supportive as I want him to be. Notice I didn't say he wasn't supportive, just not as much as I want, which is usually a pretty unreasonable expectation. Sometimes, I don't take advantage of the strong man he is. I want him to be all soft and squishy, like me!

Then there are times like tonight, when I just want to give up, and he's there pushing me on.

He is my rock, my anchor. The one who reminds me that this is a small time in my life; that infertility is a part of me, but it doesn't define me. He puts infertility in it's place.

He doesn't tell me all this. He shows me by being who he is: compassionate, logical, a bit silly sometimes. There are times when I'm with him, I hardly think at all about the pain of infertility. I just laugh - and it feels so nice. I am grateful for those moments.

Am I lucky to have found a partner like this? No... I'm blessed. :)

Patiently Playing Mama

Our recent beach trip was a blast, with one tragic aftermath...my dear husband is burnt. And by burnt, I don't mean touch a spot and watch it turn from white to red, I mean radiating, excruciating, haven't-slept-for-three-days burnt.

So I am being Ms. Nurse today: rubbing aloe on his back, running tepid water baths, changing dressings every 15 minutes. I am taking care of him, right down to fixing his favorite meals, washing sheets, divvying out medicine, you name it.

In doing so, I am reminded of my own mother. When I was sick, my mom wasn't the "lay on the couch, here's the remote" type. She would do everything she could to make the experience of being sick as pleasant as possible. I remember her changing the sheets often during the day, so I would have cool, clean sheets to lie in. She would snuggle with me and watch daytime TV, like Magnum PI or Matlock. She would buy me my favorite popsicles or make me homemade chicken noodle soup. To this day, she still offers homemade soup whenever I am sick.

I guess I inherited some of this. I've heard that you grow to love others more when you serve them. In trying to help Ryan, I show him I love him and my love grows in return.

As I was sitting next to him, he told me jokingly, "You're gonna make a great nurse". I replied to him, "No, I'm going to make a great mom."

They say that you should be grateful for your trials and the things you have learned from them. It's difficult to be grateful for infertility. However, what I am grateful for is the person that I have become because of it. I will be a much more patient, appreciative, compassionate, knowledgeable, tender-hearted mother than I ever would have been otherwise. I try to think back on myself at 23, and the mother I would have been if I had gotten pregnant right away with no sacrifice or struggle from which to learn and grow. Don't get me wrong, I think I would have been a good mother.

But now, years later, I think I will be great. Maybe I needed these last several years to become what I ought to be. And, perhaps, there's still more learning and growing to be done.

28 Reasons to Smile

In honor of my 28th birthday (which just happened to fall on Thanksgiving this year), I have decided to identify "28 Reasons to Smile". In other words, 28 things I am thankful for (although I chose the other title because it just felt so cheerful - and who doesn't need more reasons to smile?).

It is so important to remember your blessings, especially when times are tough, so I thought I'd throw a link to my "28 Reasons" on this Fertility Blog, so that I can remind myself what blessings I truly do have.

28 REASONS TO SMILE

I am blessed.

It has come across my mind over the past week, how blessed I truly am. Let me explain…

A woman with infertility looks at another woman and thinks, "She is so blessed to be able to have children with no difficulty! I would give anything to have that blessing!"

But a different woman might look at her and say, “She is so blessed to have insurance that helps her pay for fertility procedures! I would give anything to have that blessing!”

Meanwhile, someone may look at that woman and say, “She is so blessed to have the opportunity to try so many fertility procedures, even though she has to pay for them! I have been told my husband and I will never have children. I would give anything to have that blessing!”

At the same time, someone may look at that person and say, “Wow. She is so blessed to have such a wonderful husband. I recently lost my husband. I would give anything to have that blessing!”

But, someone may look at her and say, “She was so blessed to have that time with her husband. My life has been great, but I never found someone to share my life with. I would give anything to have that blessing!”

And at that same moment, someone else would look at her and say, “She is so blessed to be healthy. I am very sick and may never recover. I would give anything to have that blessing!”

Do you see where I am going with this? It seems like no matter who you are or what your circumstances, there is someone out there who would call you “blessed”. And so I am saving everyone the trouble and I am trying each day to give that label to myself.

Is there heartbreak? Yes. Are there trials? Oh, yeah. But am I still blessed? You better believe it! And so are you…

Feline Therapy

For years, I have wanted a cat. I always talked myself out of getting one, thinking I would soon be pregnant. For one, I am allergic to cats and besides that there are all kinds of issues with pregnancy and cats, dealing with the litter box and toxicity.

So as the years passed by, I put off a lot of things, thinking I would be pregnant soon and my life would change. Little by little, as I realized the possibility of pregnancy in the near future was fading away, I slowly began doing those things I had been waiting on, except for getting a cat.

One morning, three months ago, I woke up and decided this was the day. I called about an ad in the local paper about a litter of kittens and made plans to go pick one up. I stopped by PetsMart in Clovis to get some supplies. As I walked into the store, I noticed the cages on the side wall. In one cage was this 3 month old black kitten. I went up to the plastic window and put my hand on it. The kitten immediately began to bat at the window. I found an employee and they took me in the back. When they handed me the kitten, he looked up at me, placed his paws on my cheeks, and put his nose on my face. His name was "B.A." and I knew he was mine.

I got all the supplies needed, filled out the Madera SPCA paperwork, and drove him home. I called the gentleman who had placed the ad in the paper and told him I wouldn't be coming after all. I had already found our new "baby".

His name is Cosmo ("Cosmic Creepers") and he is a feisty and strong headed kitten with quite a personality. When I come home at night, he comes running. When I get up in the morning, he can't wait to play. He lets me hold him for as long as I want, even when I can tell he is tired of it. I used to think it was kind-of strange when people would talk about pets like family, but now I think I understand.

Three months ago, I rescued him from the shelter. But, since that time, I feel that in his own way he has rescued me too. When you have infertility, one of the most empty and lonely feelings is that you have no one to nurture, no one to care for. And that's all you desire in the world. I realize that Cosmo is just a cat, but it makes a difference to know that I am important to him and he depends on me. It hasn't lessened my desire for a child of my own, but it has softened the heartache a bit.

It's that time again!

Every few months, it becomes that time again. Time to think about what I am thankful for. Sometimes it’s easy to feel suffocated by all of this fertility stuff and when that happens it means I need to get some perspective.

Tonight, I watched an episode of Dr. Phil. There was a woman on the show who became blind at the age of 15. Listening to her story and watching her example was inspiring. She said you can’t change your circumstances, only your attitude. What a struggle that is! It is a constant battle from where I stand and here was a woman who has been through so much more, standing strong and encouraging others to do the same.

So, in light of her example, it’s time to count those blessings:

I have such a wonderful husband, who makes me laugh every day. Lately, there’s been less to smile about around here but that doesn’t stop him from trying. Recently, he’s been more and more successful. And that feels good. J

I love my family. Not only was I blessed enough to be adopted by such a great family, I got to marry into another! Likewise, my friends are unbelievable. They say that friends are the family you get to choose, and I have chosen the best.

I am so thankful for my home. It still seems like a dream that I actually live here. It also feels like a little miracle each time I pay the mortgage. Things have been tight, but we are making it. It has been smoother than I anticipated. It’s nice to look back at 2006 as the year we bought our first home

I love my job! Sure, the things I am studying at the moment aren’t my favorite. Also, between studying and work load, the hours are long. Even so, I have seen glimpses of what my career might look like someday and I’m liking what I see. How many people can say that their co-workers are like family? I can.

I am so glad to be healthy. I love learning and experiencing new things. The world is beautiful and I look forward to seeing more of it. I am thankful that I still have my optimism. I have had more than 40 cycles of trying to conceive. Never in any of these cycles, did I lose hope that this might be the one, even when the odds were stacked against me. Last cycle was the closest I’ve ever been to loosing all hope for success, but there was still some there… It makes for some great disappointments, but it really helps me day to day.

Lastly, I am grateful for my relationship with God. He has given me so many blessings and, during my hard times when I feel bitter or even angry, He is there waiting when I return humbled. I feel undeserving of what Jesus Christ has done for me and I try to be worthy of His sacrifice.