Preliminary Blood Test Results

My doctor's office just called to let me know of my blood test results. Tim, my acupuncturist, had suggested I have a full panel of tests on my thyroid. Abnormalities with your thyroid can contribute to infertility.

According to Ruth at my doctor's office, my thyroid looks "normal". Tim said that sometimes doctors will call you normal because each area falls in the "normal" range. However, if one area is pretty low within the normal range, while another is high, but still within the normal range, the reaction between the two can still be causing a problem. I asked Ruth to send me a copy and I will let Tim take a look at it.

Even though I am SO used to every test result looking perfect, it's still pretty disappointing. I was hoping there might be something there that could be a cause of my infertility. Four years now of looking for the "cause". (((Sigh))) Oh well, I guess we'll see what Tim says about the results. Until then I just keep keeping on!

For now, I am just looking forward to our beach trip. It should be a fun time!

PS. As a side note, Ruth also said my cholesterol was completely normal and my triglycerides, another fatty substance that increases the risk of heart disease and stroke, are GREAT. Not too shabby! Now, bring on the bacon! (Just kidding)

How Far We've Come...

In switching over my blog from Our Fertility Story to In Pursuit of Parenthood, I decided to take a quick stroll down memory lane and read a few posts from 2006, when the blog first began. I couldn't read every entry, as it becomes too painful, but I did notice a fear and anxiety related to the ovulation trigger shot I had been prescribed at that time.

I used to be pretty frightened of needles. It began with a blood-taking nightmare as a child (when someone announces they are "new to this", request a nurse change - trust me) and grew from there. I remember as a teenager going on the "blood bus" where my dad was giving blood, to ask him for the keys to the car. I passed out and was immediately laid down in a seat to recover. Just being around needles was enough to make me a light-headed, nauseous mess. Hence the anxiety of giving the ovulation trigger shot to myself. I remember the first time I tried it, I didn't use enough force to penetrate the skin and my needle literally bounced off my stomach. I almost passed out right then and there on the bathroom floor at work. Uggg.

Well, I guess things have changed. Necessity is the mother of invention, isn't that what they say? Well, maybe Necessity also gave birth to tolerance. In the last week, I not only have done two blood tests (filling seven vials...yup seven) but I actually voluntarily gave blood on a blood bus. Now, truth be told, I almost passed out from that experience too but the important thing is I did it, and I did it willingly. I would even do it again (once this bruise on my arm disappears).

Needles... please! I pay a man to tap needles into my skin on almost a weekly basis. In they go, and not only into typical places like arms and legs, but on my feet, inside my ears, and into my head.

So, I wouldn't say I like needles now, but I think we have a mutual respect for each other. They are a means to an end and, once this whole process is over, I hope to see less of them. But, for now, they are a part of life.

Just Relax!

Ahh, the advice so freely given by well-intentioned people. Just relax and you'll get pregnant! This is one step up from the ever-helpful: Just forget about it and it will happen (hmmm, how about, don't think about polar bears...what? You're thinking about polar bears now? Imagine that...)

Okay, we have established that telling someone to relax does no good. But what about the actual act of relaxing? What benefits can come from that?

Well, I have been giving it a try. I have actually been relaxing, meditating, visualizing, whatever you want to call it. I lay down flat, close my eyes, and listen to a CD filled with oriental sounding music and a calming voice... "concentrate on your feet, releasing all the tension..." At first, it felt strange, uncomfortable, and a tad embarrassing. But then something happened, I began to relax.

I try to do a session everyday. Many times, I fall asleep, but that's okay. I have actually found a lot of comfort in it.

Infertility

Sometimes the pain of infertility is nearly unbearable. I have never experienced anything this lonely, this heartbreaking, this painful. I don't even recognize myself anymore. I feel so alone. The pain is actually physical, sometimes I can't even breathe. I don't know how to let it go. But, after 5 years, I don't know how much more I can take.