This is What Hope Does to a Person

In the last month or so, I have had many experiences that have given me new hope. I feel as certain as I ever have that I will be a mother someday. It's not if, it's when. And how!

Soon after I first felt the reassurance that motherhood would happen someday, I broke {my} number one rule of infertility... I bought something for our future baby. In 7 1/2 years of trying to have a child, I have NEVER purchased anything baby-related. I don't think it was a conscious thing; I just never felt confident enough to "go there".

Recently, there was a commercial on TV for AT&T (I believe). Everyone is riding around town on giant computer mouses (mice?). The main guy in the commercial is wearing a "Rush" t-shirt (one of Ryan's favorite rock bands). He rides his mouse into a music store and purchases a little "Rush" onesie to match his t-shirt. Ryan pointed out the commercial to me and, literally, the day after I received that spiritual confirmation of eventual motherhood, I bought Ryan that t-shirt along with... you guessed it... the matching onesie.

Once the package came in the mail, and I saw that teeny-tiny little shirt, I have had this urge to purchase itty-bitty pieces of clothing. I've been able to resist, for the most part.

But today, I ran to the store to grab a few things and I saw a display of baby clothes. They were only $2. I walked on past at first, but as I walked back by again, I had to stop. They weren't anything special, just little tiny clothes. I tried to keep walking, but they were only $2 and, try as I may... I couldn't help myself.

(As you can see, I'm covering my basis. Ready to go either way.)

In the past, this would feel like I was setting myself up for disappointment. For some reason, it doesn't feel that way now. Now I just think of them as little good luck charms. I hope I am not proven wrong.

Hope can be a wonderful thing. I know it can also be dangerous. But for now, I am sticking with wonderful. :)

God's Promise

I love when I read a new scripture. By new I mean one that I have probably read before, but that takes on a whole new meaning when read again in a different situation or mindset.

I came across this one in Sunday School and it hit me very hard. This is a flat-out promise from God. And God doesn’t break promises. What a comfort this was for me… I’ve probably read it 30 times since Sunday.

Perhaps things may be confusing and heartbreaking now, but God promises they won’t always be that way. No matter what the struggle or situation, I think everyone can gain something from reading this promise.

And I will bring the blind by a way that they knew not; I will lead them in paths that they have not known: I will make darkness light before them, and crooked things straight. These things will I do unto them, and not forsake them.

Isaiah 42:16

The Lesson of the Wheat

In church yesterday, our speaker told the story of Sarah Peterson. Sarah was a member of the LDS church back in the early 1850s. Her husband, Canute, was serving a mission for the church. Back then, the typical mission was not 18 or 24 months, but could last several years. When Sarah’s husband left, she was now in charge of not only caring for their family alone, but raising the wheat that would sustain the family through the long winter.

According to everyone in town, Sarah messed up. She planted her wheat too late and too deep. She had failed. As everyone else’s wheat was growing tall and strong, hers hadn’t even sprouted yet. She was told there was no hope that she would have a crop for her family that year.

But then a rash of crickets came through the area. Everyone’s wheat was eaten and wiped out. It was complete desolation. Soon after, amidst all the damage, people began to notice small buds peaking out of the ground in Sarah’s field. What used to be considered “late” was, in reality, right on time. That harvest, she had enough wheat to sustain not only her family, but the entire town.

This was a testimony to me that sometimes God’s plan is greater than we know. Everything can appear completely hopeless when, in fact, it is all part of God’s beautiful design to teach us (and maybe those around us) an important lesson.

Maybe sometimes we feel like those fields of eaten wheat. Wiped out, devastated with little hope to cling to. But it is important to always remember there could be a miracle waiting just around the corner.

Beautiful

Ryan's step-mom shared this beautiful quote with me tonight, and I can't get it out of my head:

Where there is life, there is hope.

Perception

Life is all about perception. How do we choose to look at our situation? Half-full or half-empty?

Half-empty: This new treatment I am pursuing (Follistim injectables with an IUI) has an 18% success rate. This means out of 100 couples who do this treatment, 82 of them will not be successful. I could become pregnant with this treatment, but it is much more likely that I will come out of this with no baby.

Half-full: Without treatment, Ryan and I have less than 1% chance of conceiving. With the treatment, our chances are 18%. I could interpret that to mean that we are 1700% more likely to get pregnant this month than in previous months. That is quite an increase!

The half-empty side is quite depressing. I don’t want to be one of those 82 people left disappointed at the end of the month.

However, I can’t help but feel a rush of excitement whenever I think of the half-full scenario.

So for now I am choosing to be half-full. After years of waiting, I am trying to enjoy feeling hopeful again.

Don't Rush the Milestones!

I got an epiphany the other night while watching television. Hmmm… now that is a funny statement if I’ve ever heard one…

Anyway, there was an elderly patient who was trying to convince his family that he needed to undergo a risky operation which seemed voluntary and unnecessary, but would “improve his quality of life”.

In talking with his family, the man said something to this effect (paraphrasing here),

“You don’t know what it is like for someone my age. I have already crossed all the milestones in my life: graduation, marriage, becoming a father, career, watching my kids grow up, becoming a grandparent… I look back and see so many yesterdays, and I don’t have very many tomorrows.”

Now, I do believe that no matter how old you are, there are many reasons to be excited for the future. Even so, there are those monumental milestones that nearly everyone achieves throughout his or her life. Once they are done, they are done. And all that’s left are the memories.

As I listened to the dialogue on television I thought, “Why am I rushing these milestones?”

All my life, I have always been waiting for the ‘next big thing’: graduation, marriage, graduation (again), career, and most of all CHILDREN. My eyes are fixed on the future, and don’t look around too much to enjoy the present.

The day will come that I will have children. By whatever means, I believe it will happen. Once that beautiful child is placed in my arms, I will have crossed that milestone. And things will never be the same again.

So while I wait with baited breath for that day to arrive, I try to remind myself to be patient. I don’t want to look back at my life and feel I rushed from event to event, without enjoying the journey I traveled to get there.

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You will come to know that what appears today to be a sacrifice will prove instead to be the greatest investment that you will ever make.
-Gordon B Hinkley

Hope Springs Eternal

I am in awe of the power of hope.

It has been nearly six years since I started trying for a child. This means approximately 75 cycles waiting, wondering, and ultimately being disappointed.

This cycle was a little bit late. I had every reason in the world to believe pregnancy wouldn’t happen this time. Why should this one be different than the 74 cycles that came before?

But that hope was still there. Smaller than before, harder to find, but impossible to deny.

Inevitably, it always ends the same, as reality rears its ugly head. I am fortunate that I don’t go through the entire grieving process with each disappointment, as I used to.

Instead I just marvel at the persistence and unwavering that is HOPE.

Always By Your Side

I have written recently about my struggling relationship with God. I am having a hard time coming to terms with my infertility, and that has lead to anger and hopelessness. It has sometimes seemed God was very far away.

I have always felt that I was put on this earth to be a mother. When that didn't happen, I felt empty, like half a person. All around me, women were becoming mothers, realizing the glory of their creation. Meanwhile, I was there watching on the sidelines. I felt forgotten, tarnished, passed over, not good enough.

Tonight, I attended our church youth musical. As I listened to the words of one of the songs, my heart began to pound deep in my chest. I felt my eyes sting with tears. I could have broken down and sobbed right there.

I felt closer to God at that moment than I have in a long time. Suddenly, no one else was in the room. I felt a warm glow, like the song was written for me.

I truly feel like tonight was the first step in healing my relationship with my Heavenly Father. I still have a ways to go, but He reached out and touched me. He let me know He is there with me always, even when I choose not to see Him.

I hope this feeling stays for a while.

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Press ► to play music



You look around you
And you wonder if
you’ll ever measure up
In this world it seems
you may never be enough
Don’t let anyone convince you that it’s true
So much beauty lives inside of you
And you are enough
Just look up

Remember you are greatest
When you walk with God
When His light is in your eyes
You are truly strong
You don’t have to prove your beauty
In the eyes of men
You are divine within
You were sent here to become like Him

When you’re uncertain
Of the place you hold
and who you are inside
He will share with you
your part in His design
Seek for His meekness
Seek to emulate His life
And you will feel Him
always by your side
You have His love
Just look up

Remember you are greatest
When you walk with God
When His light is in your eyes
You are truly strong
You don’t have to prove your beauty
In the eyes of men
You are divine within
You were sent here to become like Him

Holiness and love, good works, mercy
To be like Him
Charity, hope, truth, and wisdom
To be like Him

Holdin' Babies

This last weekend, we visited with Trav and Britt and their little guy, Schroeder. During our visit, Brittany and I babysat for her friend's kids, a boy almost two and a girl Schroeder's age.

I got some time to hold some babies. The experience was kind-of emotional and spiritual for me. I know you are never really ready to become a mom but this weekend I felt strongly that I am as ready as I am going to be.

I could be wrong and (obviously) I am because I haven't been blessed with a child. I guess there is something else God wants me to learn. I wish I knew what that was.

I am just so ready to hold a baby of my own. I can't explain it, I just am. I hope someday soon my Father in Heaven will feel the same way. I pray for that day...

Hope Hiding There

"Whatever you do, don't look down."
That's all the advice they can give.
But you keep looking down,
'cause you think that's where everything is.

It's harder to see things can change,
that night can be conquered at dawn.
'Cause the darkness you feel
is unbearably real
and strong.

It's just how it goes.
No matter what you do,
the way through the fog
has been hidden from view.

But around every corner,
though you're unaware,
protected by grace
in the face of despair,
there is hope hiding there.

You might think it strange
hope would hide.
It seems like a cowardly deed.
But it's saving its power
for your desperate hour
of need.

And all of that strength
and good it can do,
awaits being found
safe and sound,
just for you.

'Cause around every corner,
though you're unaware,
protected by grace
in the face of despair,
there is hope hiding there.

And ears cannot hear it
and eyes cannot see,
but hearts are drawn near it
if they choose to be.

Around every corner,
though you're unaware,
protected by grace
in the face of despair...

there is hope hiding there.

-Michael McLean

Dream Crushers and a Hungarian Folktale

Ever met a dream crusher? You probably have. If you haven't, just try something like alternative medicine after 5 years of infertility and the dream crushers will emerge. I have met a few over the last couple months. These are good and caring people who deep down have a hard time when someone makes a choice that is out of their comfort zone. They struggle in showing happiness over someone else's success. Perhaps the following quote describes it best:

"In some cases there's a wish, however unconscious, to commiserate rather than rejoice."

So they are skeptics of my choices and doubters of any possible breakthroughs. They only show encouragement when I consider an action they deem "plausible". Even if they feign support with what they say, they can not hide the cynicism written on their face. Things like diet or herbs or acupuncture could not possibly reverse whatever mystery is ailing me. Only the men in the white coats can be trusted. Anything else is foolishness.

And when it appears that one of these "silly" alternatives is making a difference, then the success is "psychological" or can be explained by some other inconspicuous fact.

Over time, I've learned to "recognize the destroyers in my life, the people who can't resist poking a finger into my tower of blocks and watch them scatter all over the floor. The 'realists' who stand by with a list of a hundred rational reasons not to disrupt the pattern of acceptable solutions."

Learning to shake off their pessimism and disbelief has been a struggle. But over time, I have found a voice inside me. Sometimes, all it says is "You'll show them", but other times I am actually able to believe their opinion doesn't matter. Which it doesn't.

I don't know how to live in a world without hope, faith, or miracles. To picture such a world feels silent and empty. I refuse to explain away the unexplainable, attributing these events to coincidence or happenstance. To do this seems, in my eyes, foolish.

To those dream crushers out there, thanks for the ammunition. You have encouraged the rebel inside me to prove you wrong. However I choose to have my family, I will one day be fulfilled. And then maybe you can find some other person you can push down to lift yourself up.

________________________________________

A simple Hungarian folktale...

"There was once a very sad and frail princess. The merest gust of cool air made her cough and take to bed with fever. The king and queen promised half the kingdom to anyone who would save their daughter, Anna. Healers from far away mixed their potions and cast their spells. The princess remained sickly and inconsolable.

Then one day, just when it looked like the poor girl was going to whither away, a peasant from the nearby village showed up at the castle. 'My name is Barna Janos,' he said to the king, 'and I came to cure the princess.'

He brought a wagon full of vegetables and fruits from his farm. He prescribed lots of sunshine and fresh air. He invited some children from the village to teach her their games. Within a month the princess was ready to live happily ever after.

'You're only a simple peasant. How did you know what would heal our daughter?' asked the queen.

'I didn't,' said Janos. 'But I would have been a fool not to try.'"

Encouragement...

Fertility and Faith

This is the strength behind 4+ years of dealing with infertility.

Prayer

In church today, the speaker read a little poem that I had heard long ago and had since forgotten. It really spoke to me, and I thought I'd share it.

I know not by what methods rare,
But this I know, God answers prayer.
I know that He has given His Word,
Which tells me prayer is always heard,
And will be answered, soon or late.
And so I pray and calmly wait.

I know not if the blessing sought
Will come in just the way I thought;
But leave my prayers with Him alone,
Whose will is wiser than my own,
Assured that He will grant my quest,
Or send some answer far more blest.

- Eliza M. Hickok