Wednesday, February 28, 2007

It's that time again!

Every few months, it becomes that time again. Time to think about what I am thankful for. Sometimes it’s easy to feel suffocated by all of this fertility stuff and when that happens it means I need to get some perspective.

Tonight, I watched an episode of Dr. Phil. There was a woman on the show who became blind at the age of 15. Listening to her story and watching her example was inspiring. She said you can’t change your circumstances, only your attitude. What a struggle that is! It is a constant battle from where I stand and here was a woman who has been through so much more, standing strong and encouraging others to do the same.

So, in light of her example, it’s time to count those blessings:

I have such a wonderful husband, who makes me laugh every day. Lately, there’s been less to smile about around here but that doesn’t stop him from trying. Recently, he’s been more and more successful. And that feels good. J

I love my family. Not only was I blessed enough to be adopted by such a great family, I got to marry into another! Likewise, my friends are unbelievable. They say that friends are the family you get to choose, and I have chosen the best.

I am so thankful for my home. It still seems like a dream that I actually live here. It also feels like a little miracle each time I pay the mortgage. Things have been tight, but we are making it. It has been smoother than I anticipated. It’s nice to look back at 2006 as the year we bought our first home

I love my job! Sure, the things I am studying at the moment aren’t my favorite. Also, between studying and work load, the hours are long. Even so, I have seen glimpses of what my career might look like someday and I’m liking what I see. How many people can say that their co-workers are like family? I can.

I am so glad to be healthy. I love learning and experiencing new things. The world is beautiful and I look forward to seeing more of it. I am thankful that I still have my optimism. I have had more than 40 cycles of trying to conceive. Never in any of these cycles, did I lose hope that this might be the one, even when the odds were stacked against me. Last cycle was the closest I’ve ever been to loosing all hope for success, but there was still some there… It makes for some great disappointments, but it really helps me day to day.

Lastly, I am grateful for my relationship with God. He has given me so many blessings and, during my hard times when I feel bitter or even angry, He is there waiting when I return humbled. I feel undeserving of what Jesus Christ has done for me and I try to be worthy of His sacrifice.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Adding another month

Update on our status: It seems as though Ryan may get back on at the police department by the middle of March. This means it will probably be the first of April before our income improves enough to begin saving for the next stage of treatment. Looks like my month off of trying to conceive turned into two or three. I am okay with it though. I have hard days, for sure, but this time off is getting a little easier as time goes on. I am just trying to enjoy my husband, friends and family. I am forcing myself to laugh more and cry less. I am trying to get closer to God and have more faith and less despair. So far it’s working, as today was the best day I’ve had in a long time.

When you are unable to be proactive in trying to conceive, sometimes it gets tough. You feel like time is ticking by and you aren’t doing anything to better your situation. I am getting better and better at coping with this and writing what’s inside my heart is very therapeutic for me. So for the next couple months, while we are saving money, this journal will contain more reflections and not as many factual updates. If you want to join up with me once we get the ball rolling again, check back in mid-April.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

If I was blind

If I was blind, would they say this to me:
Just relax, and soon you will see!
Would they tell me that maybe this “isn’t my time”?
Would those words even cross their mind?

Or say “Maybe not everyone was meant to see,
And since I can, you should be happy for me!”
Or tell me about a friend who was also blind
But now she can see…All in good time!

Would they joke about how they can see with no trouble!
And then tell me to snap out of my depressed little bubble.
Or call me lucky, with a tone that is curt
Because, when they’re tired, their eyes sometimes hurt!

Would they tell me that they know just how I feel
Because they have to wear contacts and it’s no big deal?
Or say, “Once you go out and buy a walking cane,
You’ll be able to see - it’s just all a big game!”

Would they tell me, “Though vision was meant for the masses,
Just think of all the money you’ll save on sunglasses!
Or would they give me some kind of home remedy instead,
Like eating an herb, or standing on my head.

Would they tell me I don’t need this medical stuff,
And just say that I’m not trying hard enough!
Would they say, “Just enjoy the time you can’t see,
For once you can, it’s all over, so just be happy!”

Would they think I was crazy, gambling money on a “cure”,
After all being blind is not life threatening, for sure!
And when I had treatments, would the insurance deny,
Calling the gift of sight “optional” and making me cry?

Something tells me the answer to these questions is No
Blindness is a medical issue and so,
Any amount of advice would do no good
A doctor is needed, this is understood

But for some reason when it comes to fertility
It blurs these thoughts of reality
Everyone’s an expert, everyone knows a cure
Everyone knows someone who’s beaten this before.

Infertility is a medical condition
To be left to doctors, not our own premonition
Prayers and listening, understanding’s the way
To get through each and every hard day.

I am infertile… Will you say this to me?
I love you, I support you, whatever may be.
Throughout the journey, I’m here for you.
Cycle after cycle, I’ll help you through.

**Just a note: I hope this poem doesn't offend anyone. I know that being blind is nothing like being infertile. I can adopt or seek treatment. I was just making the comparison that many times people don't think of infertility as being a medical condition and that it can be solved by just relaxing or not thinking about it. :)

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Time Out

Well, goodbye Clomid! I honestly thought that drug would work for me, but it’s now time to move on.

The next step is called Gonal F. They are injections given everyday (to myself). I will use them in conjunction with the Prometrium (progesterone supplements) and the estrogen patches. I will also still use the Ovidryl trigger shot to make me ovulate and the IUI (a type of artificial insemination).

But all this will have to wait. For one thing, the next cycle will cost ~$1100. So saving money is first. Secondly, I need a break! I have been feeding one type of hormone or another into my body every day for the past 4 months.

Hopefully, I’ll be back in the game in one cycle!