One thing I have learned throughout this infertility journey is to find comfort through music.
I love Michael Buble, as his music seems to always speak to me during good times or bad. I remember when I was at a very low point, sometime between my miscarriage and our last treatment; I heard this song for the first time. I think he wrote it just for Ryan and me.
I heard it again this morning and all those feelings came rushing back. I was in tears. Ryan and I are the “lucky” ones, I guess you could say. Even though we’ve had our trials and difficulties, you don’t find our kind-of love every day. We are blessed to have each other.
I hope this song brings someone else comfort as it did for me at a very difficult time…
Hold On
Didn’t they always say we were the lucky ones?
I guess that we were once, babe, we were once
But luck’ll leave you cause it is a faithless friend
And in the end, when life has got you down
You’ve got someone here that you can wrap your arms around
There’s a thousand ways for things to fall apart
But it’s no one’s fault, no it’s not our fault
Maybe all the plans we made might not work out
But I have no doubt, even though it’s hard to see
I’ve got faith in us and I believe in you and me
So hold on to me tight, hold on, I promise it’ll be alright
Cause it’s you and me together
And baby, all we’ve got is time
So hold on to me, hold on to me tonight
There’s so many dreams that we have given up
But take a look at all we’ve got
And with this kind of love
What we’ve got here is enough
So hold on to me tight; hold on, I promise it’ll be alright
Cause we are stronger here together
Than we could ever be alone
Just hold on to me, don’t you ever let me go
Hold on to me, it’s gonna be alright
Hold on to me… tonight
Didn’t they always say we were the lucky ones?
Hear the Song
Showing posts with label Music. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Music. Show all posts
Monday, March 14, 2011
Saturday, February 5, 2011
I Hope You Dance
This song was released right around the time I was married. I don’t typically listen to country, so I don’t know how I first heard it. It probably ‘crossed over’.
Anyway, when I first heard it, I immediately focused on the lyrics (as I typically do). Without skipping a beat, I thought of my future daughter. These were all the things I would want to tell her someday. This song was written for little Katelyn. I fell in love with it immediately.
A couple years later, we decided to start our family. I would listen to this song and dream about my little girl.
As time rolled on, the song slowly changed. Instead of evoking hopes and dreams, I just felt pain. I stopped listening to it. Completely. And then forgot about it.
This week I randomly found out George Strait was coming to town for a concert. My husband (despite not being much of a country fan either) has loved him since childhood. Randomly, on a whim, we bought last-minute cheap seats and went to the concert.
The opening act was Leann Womack. She sang a few songs before I heard a familiar musical introduction. It was THE song. The song I hadn’t heard for years. The song whose once hopeful chords had dissolved me into a hopeless sobbing mess the last time I heard it.
And now I was hearing it again. Live.
Only this time, I was pregnant.
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
Hearing those words again, I cried. Ryan held my hand. Life was good.
Anyway, when I first heard it, I immediately focused on the lyrics (as I typically do). Without skipping a beat, I thought of my future daughter. These were all the things I would want to tell her someday. This song was written for little Katelyn. I fell in love with it immediately.
A couple years later, we decided to start our family. I would listen to this song and dream about my little girl.
As time rolled on, the song slowly changed. Instead of evoking hopes and dreams, I just felt pain. I stopped listening to it. Completely. And then forgot about it.
This week I randomly found out George Strait was coming to town for a concert. My husband (despite not being much of a country fan either) has loved him since childhood. Randomly, on a whim, we bought last-minute cheap seats and went to the concert.
The opening act was Leann Womack. She sang a few songs before I heard a familiar musical introduction. It was THE song. The song I hadn’t heard for years. The song whose once hopeful chords had dissolved me into a hopeless sobbing mess the last time I heard it.
And now I was hearing it again. Live.
Only this time, I was pregnant.
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
Hearing those words again, I cried. Ryan held my hand. Life was good.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Let It Be
When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Recently, music from The Beatles has become available on iTunes (finally). I downloaded this little ditty along with a few other favorites.
I've heard this song a thousand times, but a few nights ago it came on while I was driving home from work. As I was singing along, the words just rang out true and strong.
And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.
When it comes to life, there are some things that will never be in our control. I will never be able to control if, when, and how I become a mom. When pregnancy comes again, we will never be able to control whether a healthy baby will result. If we put in adoption papers, we will never be able to control if a birth mom chooses us. If we foster a child, we will have no say in whether we will be their forever home.
My only choice is to do what I can and then just 'let it be'. This is my greatest struggle.
Do you know why the phrase "Let it be" is repeated so much during that song? I think it's because some of us have to sing it that many times before we start to feel it, start to believe it. It's a constant battle.
And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow, let it be.
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Recently, music from The Beatles has become available on iTunes (finally). I downloaded this little ditty along with a few other favorites.
I've heard this song a thousand times, but a few nights ago it came on while I was driving home from work. As I was singing along, the words just rang out true and strong.
And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.
When it comes to life, there are some things that will never be in our control. I will never be able to control if, when, and how I become a mom. When pregnancy comes again, we will never be able to control whether a healthy baby will result. If we put in adoption papers, we will never be able to control if a birth mom chooses us. If we foster a child, we will have no say in whether we will be their forever home.
My only choice is to do what I can and then just 'let it be'. This is my greatest struggle.
Do you know why the phrase "Let it be" is repeated so much during that song? I think it's because some of us have to sing it that many times before we start to feel it, start to believe it. It's a constant battle.
And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow, let it be.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Where Can I Turn for Peace?
I did not make it to church today. I was tormented about whether to go because I knew it's where I needed to be, but facing people today seemed too hard. I haven't been in public (or even left my home really) in 3 days.
Fortunately, as I was trying to decide what to do, God showed me a little mercy and the miscarriage began on its own.
I am grateful for that, as it seems I avoided a D&C (surgery where they basically scrape the uterus). A D&C is rough anyway, and because I am over-sensitive to anesthesia it would have been even tougher. Usually, a D&C is necessary for women who are further along in their pregnancy, but I had been warned that some women on Prometrium need to have them too, even if they lose the pregnancy early.
Because I was missing church, I tried to find some way to feel spiritual today. I was hoping it would help bring me some peace. I pulled out my copy of "Fertile in our Faith", an infertility book written from a LDS perspective. I read the whole book, reading the portion on pregnancy loss twice. I was looking for something (anything!) that could bring me comfort.
The pregnancy loss chapter focused on learning to 'release the hug'. It is said that when a child hugs you, never be the first one to release that hug; always hold on until the child lets go first.
In the book, the author relates this to pregnancy. Pregnancy is your opportunity to "hug" your child and, just as it is outside the womb, you should never be the first to let go. The author encourages the reader to enjoy pregnancy, savor those moments, and hold on to hope.
That is one thing I can say about my brief time in pregnancy, I hugged our baby. Although I was nervous and scared of losing the pregnancy, we still savored each moment we had in that state. We celebrated, gave prayers of gratitude, and spread that happiness to others around us who wanted it almost as much as we did. Not for one minute did I begrudge anything about that experience: the waiting it took to get there, the pregnancy symptoms I was having, the overwhelming feeling that life was going to change. I held onto our baby as hard and as tight as I could. It ended up not being enough, but I tried 100%.
The author goes onto say, if the time does come that your baby releases the hug, it is helpful to acknowledge the loss in a tangible way. This is true even for people like us, who lose their baby so early in the pregnancy. It was a relief to read this because I hadn't really given myself permission to do that. I felt silly, like our baby wasn't "real" enough yet to other people for us to grieve over.
There were suggestions in the book on how to acknowledge the loss. None of them seemed quite right for us, so I researched around a bit more and found something that felt good. This brought me some comfort.
One thing I have learned the last few days is how fleeting those moments of peace and comfort really are. Seems I mostly just try to make it from one peaceful moment to the next, without falling apart in between. But this morning I had the opportunity to feel comforted for quite some time, and for that I am grateful.
----------------------------------
Where, when my aching grows,
Where, when I languish,
Where, in my need to know,
Where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand
to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.
Fortunately, as I was trying to decide what to do, God showed me a little mercy and the miscarriage began on its own.
I am grateful for that, as it seems I avoided a D&C (surgery where they basically scrape the uterus). A D&C is rough anyway, and because I am over-sensitive to anesthesia it would have been even tougher. Usually, a D&C is necessary for women who are further along in their pregnancy, but I had been warned that some women on Prometrium need to have them too, even if they lose the pregnancy early.
Because I was missing church, I tried to find some way to feel spiritual today. I was hoping it would help bring me some peace. I pulled out my copy of "Fertile in our Faith", an infertility book written from a LDS perspective. I read the whole book, reading the portion on pregnancy loss twice. I was looking for something (anything!) that could bring me comfort.
The pregnancy loss chapter focused on learning to 'release the hug'. It is said that when a child hugs you, never be the first one to release that hug; always hold on until the child lets go first.
In the book, the author relates this to pregnancy. Pregnancy is your opportunity to "hug" your child and, just as it is outside the womb, you should never be the first to let go. The author encourages the reader to enjoy pregnancy, savor those moments, and hold on to hope.
That is one thing I can say about my brief time in pregnancy, I hugged our baby. Although I was nervous and scared of losing the pregnancy, we still savored each moment we had in that state. We celebrated, gave prayers of gratitude, and spread that happiness to others around us who wanted it almost as much as we did. Not for one minute did I begrudge anything about that experience: the waiting it took to get there, the pregnancy symptoms I was having, the overwhelming feeling that life was going to change. I held onto our baby as hard and as tight as I could. It ended up not being enough, but I tried 100%.
The author goes onto say, if the time does come that your baby releases the hug, it is helpful to acknowledge the loss in a tangible way. This is true even for people like us, who lose their baby so early in the pregnancy. It was a relief to read this because I hadn't really given myself permission to do that. I felt silly, like our baby wasn't "real" enough yet to other people for us to grieve over.
There were suggestions in the book on how to acknowledge the loss. None of them seemed quite right for us, so I researched around a bit more and found something that felt good. This brought me some comfort.
One thing I have learned the last few days is how fleeting those moments of peace and comfort really are. Seems I mostly just try to make it from one peaceful moment to the next, without falling apart in between. But this morning I had the opportunity to feel comforted for quite some time, and for that I am grateful.
----------------------------------
Where, when my aching grows,
Where, when I languish,
Where, in my need to know,
Where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand
to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Wake me up when September ends...
If September 1st was one of the best days of my life, September 9th was one of the worst.
The day started out normal, well as normal as possible when you are walking on a cloud. I was at the lab as soon as they opened to give blood for my second beta test. Afterwards, I came home, did a little laundry and got ready for the day. I told Ryan that morning, there was nothing in my life I could possibly complain about. It was such a weird feeling, that I was completely content, that those 7 years were completely worth it. For the first time in years and years, I felt completely happy.
He had the day off too, and we headed out for a lunch date. I kept glancing at my phone, waiting for the phone call from the doctor's office. After lunch and a little browsing around River Park, we decided to venture into Babies-R-Us for the first time. We were originally going to wait to go in there until we had seen the heartbeat, but I wanted to get my mind off the impending phone call. So we decided to go for it.
Although I had been there before to pick-up gift cards, I had never been further than the cashier up front. As we walked in, we passed the registers and headed towards the back of the store.
I can't explain the awful feeling that came over me. It felt like a feeling of dread or foreboding. I instantly felt like I didn't belong there. I couldn't breathe. Ryan followed me as I looped around the store and headed right back into the parking lot. That is where I started to cry.
I just figured it was because of the infertility. Perhaps after 7 years, I just couldn't imagine that I could really be in a store like that. I felt like I couldn't be one of those happy pregnant women or new moms browsing through the isles; it just couldn't happen for me.
Now I think that God was trying to tell me something.
We headed home and I still hadn't heard from the doctor's office. At 2pm sharp I called. The nurse stated they couldn't find my results and she would call me back. I waited and waited. I started to feel like something was wrong.
At 3:30pm I called again. The girl put me on hold for several agonizing minutes. Finally, she came back and said the nurse practitioner had taken my file home with her, and was going to call me directly about it. My voice started to shake as I asked if everything was okay. She said she wasn't sure, but she would text her right away and tell her to call me.
The next hour was the longest hour of my life. Finally, at 4:30pm, the phone rang. My hands shook as I answered the phone and picked up a pen to write down my results.
I don't remember much about the conversation. I remember her saying she was sorry over and over. I remember shaking and crying. I remember her telling me the baby stopped growing and my numbers went from 147 to 34. I remember writing those numbers down and staring at them. I remember looking at Ryan and watching him stare at the ceiling and rub his eyes. I vaguely remember her telling me what would eventually happen next, none of it sounding pretty.
Since that time, I have been a roller coaster of emotions. I bawl, I get pissed, I cry and I've even laughed a few times. I'm a total crazy person. And completely devastated.
The angry times are the worst. They scare me. I feel like my entire body could explode. I even declared out loud that God hated me, even though when I said it I knew full well it was untrue. And in the next breath, I am thanking Him for giving us such a wonderful blessing, even if it was just for a moment. I feel like a mess.
The last 24 hours have been spent just waiting. Feeling my stomach clench and cramp and waiting for the ax to fall; not looking forward to seeing the evidence of this nightmare, whenever it decides to arrive.
I used to spend time imagining how wonderful it would be to finally be pregnant. Now I know, and it was unlike anything I could ever imagine. I was the happiest I had ever been. I remember driving to work one morning thinking that after years and years, I was starting to feel like myself again. The real me. The 'me' that infertility stole. Now I look in the mirror and she's gone again. I want her back.
I miss the tiny appleseed that once brought joy to so many people. I wanted to see him or her grow and thrive. I wanted to hold this baby in my arms someday. I have to come to terms that this will never happen now. Even though I know it's crazy, I feel like I failed.
In my good moments though, I still have faith. I have faith to try again, and when that waivers I borrow Ryan's, because he has even more than I do. He is my rock.
Somehow, I'll get through this day, this week, this month. I look forward to October. A new season, a new start, a new hope.
-----------------
here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are
as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends
summer has come and passed
the innocence can never last
wake me up when september ends
The day started out normal, well as normal as possible when you are walking on a cloud. I was at the lab as soon as they opened to give blood for my second beta test. Afterwards, I came home, did a little laundry and got ready for the day. I told Ryan that morning, there was nothing in my life I could possibly complain about. It was such a weird feeling, that I was completely content, that those 7 years were completely worth it. For the first time in years and years, I felt completely happy.
He had the day off too, and we headed out for a lunch date. I kept glancing at my phone, waiting for the phone call from the doctor's office. After lunch and a little browsing around River Park, we decided to venture into Babies-R-Us for the first time. We were originally going to wait to go in there until we had seen the heartbeat, but I wanted to get my mind off the impending phone call. So we decided to go for it.
Although I had been there before to pick-up gift cards, I had never been further than the cashier up front. As we walked in, we passed the registers and headed towards the back of the store.
I can't explain the awful feeling that came over me. It felt like a feeling of dread or foreboding. I instantly felt like I didn't belong there. I couldn't breathe. Ryan followed me as I looped around the store and headed right back into the parking lot. That is where I started to cry.
I just figured it was because of the infertility. Perhaps after 7 years, I just couldn't imagine that I could really be in a store like that. I felt like I couldn't be one of those happy pregnant women or new moms browsing through the isles; it just couldn't happen for me.
Now I think that God was trying to tell me something.
We headed home and I still hadn't heard from the doctor's office. At 2pm sharp I called. The nurse stated they couldn't find my results and she would call me back. I waited and waited. I started to feel like something was wrong.
At 3:30pm I called again. The girl put me on hold for several agonizing minutes. Finally, she came back and said the nurse practitioner had taken my file home with her, and was going to call me directly about it. My voice started to shake as I asked if everything was okay. She said she wasn't sure, but she would text her right away and tell her to call me.
The next hour was the longest hour of my life. Finally, at 4:30pm, the phone rang. My hands shook as I answered the phone and picked up a pen to write down my results.
I don't remember much about the conversation. I remember her saying she was sorry over and over. I remember shaking and crying. I remember her telling me the baby stopped growing and my numbers went from 147 to 34. I remember writing those numbers down and staring at them. I remember looking at Ryan and watching him stare at the ceiling and rub his eyes. I vaguely remember her telling me what would eventually happen next, none of it sounding pretty.
Since that time, I have been a roller coaster of emotions. I bawl, I get pissed, I cry and I've even laughed a few times. I'm a total crazy person. And completely devastated.
The angry times are the worst. They scare me. I feel like my entire body could explode. I even declared out loud that God hated me, even though when I said it I knew full well it was untrue. And in the next breath, I am thanking Him for giving us such a wonderful blessing, even if it was just for a moment. I feel like a mess.
The last 24 hours have been spent just waiting. Feeling my stomach clench and cramp and waiting for the ax to fall; not looking forward to seeing the evidence of this nightmare, whenever it decides to arrive.
I used to spend time imagining how wonderful it would be to finally be pregnant. Now I know, and it was unlike anything I could ever imagine. I was the happiest I had ever been. I remember driving to work one morning thinking that after years and years, I was starting to feel like myself again. The real me. The 'me' that infertility stole. Now I look in the mirror and she's gone again. I want her back.
I miss the tiny appleseed that once brought joy to so many people. I wanted to see him or her grow and thrive. I wanted to hold this baby in my arms someday. I have to come to terms that this will never happen now. Even though I know it's crazy, I feel like I failed.
In my good moments though, I still have faith. I have faith to try again, and when that waivers I borrow Ryan's, because he has even more than I do. He is my rock.
Somehow, I'll get through this day, this week, this month. I look forward to October. A new season, a new start, a new hope.
-----------------
here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are
as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends
summer has come and passed
the innocence can never last
wake me up when september ends
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Over the Rainbow
Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high,
There's a land that I dreamed of
Once in a lullaby.
Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.
Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.
Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can't I?
If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?
This is known as a “child’s” song, from a movie that could be considered a “child’s” movie. Having said that, I’m not sure I ever truly understood these words until recently. Someday, I hope to wake up where the clouds of infertility, loneliness and regret are far behind me. Motherhood is a land I have only dreamt of, and I can only imagine what awaits me there.
Way up high,
There's a land that I dreamed of
Once in a lullaby.
Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.
Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.
Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can't I?
If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?
This is known as a “child’s” song, from a movie that could be considered a “child’s” movie. Having said that, I’m not sure I ever truly understood these words until recently. Someday, I hope to wake up where the clouds of infertility, loneliness and regret are far behind me. Motherhood is a land I have only dreamt of, and I can only imagine what awaits me there.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
I just haven't met you yet!
I have a personal, strict rule about this blog: No going back and reading entries. Why? Because it is monumentally depressing! Starting treatment, stopping treatment, plans that never came to be: why torture myself by reliving all of that?
I have started and stopped so many plans it can make my head spin. Many times, money was the contributing factor. If money were no object, my guess is I would have continued from one step to the next when I started this whole infertility testing/treatment process back in 2004.
But money aside, I still have jumped ship during times I could have kept going. Why? If it is something I want so badly, why am I having difficulty sticking with a particular protocol?
After much thought, I think I know the answer, or at least a portion of the answer. Although I know I will have a family someday, I have no idea where this family will come from. Will it be through foster care, adoption, fertility treatments, or just a surprise on its own? Will it be because I used acupuncture, relaxation, a fertility supplement, or just “forgot about it”?
Every time I start working on one area, the fear comes over me that maybe I am supposed to be doing something else. If I try to just relax and live my life, I fear I am wasting time. I’m not getting any younger. When I try a natural infertility technique, I wonder if I should be spending my time and energy pursuing foster care instead. It’s a never-ending cycle. I can never win!
And all of this is to achieve something that is basically unknown: The pursuit of a baby. My baby. This illusive gift that I know will be wonderful and worth every minute of heartache.
But, really, who is this person? Boy or girl? A blondie like me, a brunette like hubby, or a different ethnicity entirely? Have they already been born and are making their way into our home, or will I carry them for nine months?
If I knew these answers, I could choose a path, and you would not be able to detour me from it. But with all the unknowns, I wander without answers, and jump from plan to plan, just waiting for inspiration…
Oh, how music can say things I can’t. I love this song because it speaks so true to how I am feeling, and is so upbeat in the process. You can’t listen to this song and not feel happy. I may falter, but I’ll never give up. And when I meet my baby, I’ll know. :) Someday, SOMEDAY, I’ll find the right path and I’ll get there.
I'm not surprised,
Not everything lasts,
I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track.
Talk myself in,
I talk myself out,
I get all worked up,
Then I let myself down,
I tried so very hard not to lose it;
I came up with a million excuses,
I thought I thought of every possibility.
I might have to wait,
I’ll never give up,
I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck,
Wherever you are,
Whenever it's right,
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life.
And I know that it will be so amazing,
And being in your life is gonna change me,
And now I can see every possibility.
And someday I know it'll all turn out,
And I'll work to work it out,
And promise you kid, I'll give so much more than I get,
I just haven't met you yet.
Listen to the song:
CLICK HERE
I have started and stopped so many plans it can make my head spin. Many times, money was the contributing factor. If money were no object, my guess is I would have continued from one step to the next when I started this whole infertility testing/treatment process back in 2004.
But money aside, I still have jumped ship during times I could have kept going. Why? If it is something I want so badly, why am I having difficulty sticking with a particular protocol?
After much thought, I think I know the answer, or at least a portion of the answer. Although I know I will have a family someday, I have no idea where this family will come from. Will it be through foster care, adoption, fertility treatments, or just a surprise on its own? Will it be because I used acupuncture, relaxation, a fertility supplement, or just “forgot about it”?
Every time I start working on one area, the fear comes over me that maybe I am supposed to be doing something else. If I try to just relax and live my life, I fear I am wasting time. I’m not getting any younger. When I try a natural infertility technique, I wonder if I should be spending my time and energy pursuing foster care instead. It’s a never-ending cycle. I can never win!
And all of this is to achieve something that is basically unknown: The pursuit of a baby. My baby. This illusive gift that I know will be wonderful and worth every minute of heartache.
But, really, who is this person? Boy or girl? A blondie like me, a brunette like hubby, or a different ethnicity entirely? Have they already been born and are making their way into our home, or will I carry them for nine months?
If I knew these answers, I could choose a path, and you would not be able to detour me from it. But with all the unknowns, I wander without answers, and jump from plan to plan, just waiting for inspiration…
Oh, how music can say things I can’t. I love this song because it speaks so true to how I am feeling, and is so upbeat in the process. You can’t listen to this song and not feel happy. I may falter, but I’ll never give up. And when I meet my baby, I’ll know. :) Someday, SOMEDAY, I’ll find the right path and I’ll get there.
I'm not surprised,
Not everything lasts,
I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track.
Talk myself in,
I talk myself out,
I get all worked up,
Then I let myself down,
I tried so very hard not to lose it;
I came up with a million excuses,
I thought I thought of every possibility.
I might have to wait,
I’ll never give up,
I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck,
Wherever you are,
Whenever it's right,
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life.
And I know that it will be so amazing,
And being in your life is gonna change me,
And now I can see every possibility.
And someday I know it'll all turn out,
And I'll work to work it out,
And promise you kid, I'll give so much more than I get,
I just haven't met you yet.
Listen to the song:
CLICK HERE
Friday, December 4, 2009
Smile
Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky,
you'll get by
If you smile through your pain and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through
for you
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear
may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky,
you'll get by
If you smile through your pain and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through
for you
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear
may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
The Climb
Nearly three years ago, when we first moved into our house, I took dinner to a young couple in our church who had just had their first baby. At that time, I had been trying to begin my family for three years. I remember looking at this new mom. She seemed so young and so newly married, it made me wonder, why can she begin her family while I still have to wait?
I barely knew her, so I was a bit nervous dropping off the pizza I had picked up for them on the way home from work. I practically threw the pizza in her arms and almost rushed away without even seeing the baby!
Nearly three years later, tonight in fact, I again took dinner to this new mom. She had her third child last Friday. This beautiful woman has had three children, while I am still waiting for one.
She is the sweetest gal, and I like her very much. As I left their house (a mother, father, and three young children), I couldn't help but think how strange it is to watch someone else live your life. Not really your life, but the life you always thought you would have.
Being Mormon, I am constantly surrounded by other people living my life. They are everywhere I look. Their families grow, year after year, and I stay the same.
Learning to live a life that is different than you imagined is a work in progress. I'm not sure I will ever be completely content with where I am right now. So, I am trying to enjoy the process.
A while back, I compared my infertility to a miserable but incredibly rewarding hike I did last summer. Since then, I have noticed even more how similar these experiences really are.
I recently heard a song that uses the same climbing analogy, encouraging you to learn to enjoy (or at least appreciate) the journey. I am supposed to be learning something from all this. What? I still don't know. Maybe that's the reason I've been climbing for so long...
I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it.
Every step I'm taking
Every move I make
Feels lost with no direction
My faith is shaking
But I got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments
That I'm going to remember most
Just got to keep going
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
I barely knew her, so I was a bit nervous dropping off the pizza I had picked up for them on the way home from work. I practically threw the pizza in her arms and almost rushed away without even seeing the baby!
Nearly three years later, tonight in fact, I again took dinner to this new mom. She had her third child last Friday. This beautiful woman has had three children, while I am still waiting for one.
She is the sweetest gal, and I like her very much. As I left their house (a mother, father, and three young children), I couldn't help but think how strange it is to watch someone else live your life. Not really your life, but the life you always thought you would have.
Being Mormon, I am constantly surrounded by other people living my life. They are everywhere I look. Their families grow, year after year, and I stay the same.
Learning to live a life that is different than you imagined is a work in progress. I'm not sure I will ever be completely content with where I am right now. So, I am trying to enjoy the process.
A while back, I compared my infertility to a miserable but incredibly rewarding hike I did last summer. Since then, I have noticed even more how similar these experiences really are.
I recently heard a song that uses the same climbing analogy, encouraging you to learn to enjoy (or at least appreciate) the journey. I am supposed to be learning something from all this. What? I still don't know. Maybe that's the reason I've been climbing for so long...
I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it.
Every step I'm taking
Every move I make
Feels lost with no direction
My faith is shaking
But I got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments
That I'm going to remember most
Just got to keep going
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Always By Your Side
I have written recently about my struggling relationship with God. I am having a hard time coming to terms with my infertility, and that has lead to anger and hopelessness. It has sometimes seemed God was very far away.
I have always felt that I was put on this earth to be a mother. When that didn't happen, I felt empty, like half a person. All around me, women were becoming mothers, realizing the glory of their creation. Meanwhile, I was there watching on the sidelines. I felt forgotten, tarnished, passed over, not good enough.
Tonight, I attended our church youth musical. As I listened to the words of one of the songs, my heart began to pound deep in my chest. I felt my eyes sting with tears. I could have broken down and sobbed right there.
I felt closer to God at that moment than I have in a long time. Suddenly, no one else was in the room. I felt a warm glow, like the song was written for me.
I truly feel like tonight was the first step in healing my relationship with my Heavenly Father. I still have a ways to go, but He reached out and touched me. He let me know He is there with me always, even when I choose not to see Him.
I hope this feeling stays for a while.
---------------------------------
Press ► to play music
You look around you
And you wonder if
you’ll ever measure up
In this world it seems
you may never be enough
Don’t let anyone convince you that it’s true
So much beauty lives inside of you
And you are enough
Just look up
Remember you are greatest
When you walk with God
When His light is in your eyes
You are truly strong
You don’t have to prove your beauty
In the eyes of men
You are divine within
You were sent here to become like Him
When you’re uncertain
Of the place you hold
and who you are inside
He will share with you
your part in His design
Seek for His meekness
Seek to emulate His life
And you will feel Him
always by your side
You have His love
Just look up
Remember you are greatest
When you walk with God
When His light is in your eyes
You are truly strong
You don’t have to prove your beauty
In the eyes of men
You are divine within
You were sent here to become like Him
Holiness and love, good works, mercy
To be like Him
Charity, hope, truth, and wisdom
To be like Him
I have always felt that I was put on this earth to be a mother. When that didn't happen, I felt empty, like half a person. All around me, women were becoming mothers, realizing the glory of their creation. Meanwhile, I was there watching on the sidelines. I felt forgotten, tarnished, passed over, not good enough.
Tonight, I attended our church youth musical. As I listened to the words of one of the songs, my heart began to pound deep in my chest. I felt my eyes sting with tears. I could have broken down and sobbed right there.
I felt closer to God at that moment than I have in a long time. Suddenly, no one else was in the room. I felt a warm glow, like the song was written for me.
I truly feel like tonight was the first step in healing my relationship with my Heavenly Father. I still have a ways to go, but He reached out and touched me. He let me know He is there with me always, even when I choose not to see Him.
I hope this feeling stays for a while.
---------------------------------
Press ► to play music
You look around you
And you wonder if
you’ll ever measure up
In this world it seems
you may never be enough
Don’t let anyone convince you that it’s true
So much beauty lives inside of you
And you are enough
Just look up
Remember you are greatest
When you walk with God
When His light is in your eyes
You are truly strong
You don’t have to prove your beauty
In the eyes of men
You are divine within
You were sent here to become like Him
When you’re uncertain
Of the place you hold
and who you are inside
He will share with you
your part in His design
Seek for His meekness
Seek to emulate His life
And you will feel Him
always by your side
You have His love
Just look up
Remember you are greatest
When you walk with God
When His light is in your eyes
You are truly strong
You don’t have to prove your beauty
In the eyes of men
You are divine within
You were sent here to become like Him
Holiness and love, good works, mercy
To be like Him
Charity, hope, truth, and wisdom
To be like Him
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
One Fine Wire
Time for another music post. This one is dedicated to my apparent uncanny ability to hold it together in public during a time in my life when I feel like I am falling apart. Just this week, I mentioned my dabble into therapy to two people, both of whom seemed shocked at the idea that I would pursue that type of thing. Guess I fooled 'em all! :)
Anyway, this song came on during my drive to work today and, as I listened to the words, it was amazing how closely they described my life as it is now. I'm sure there are many people who, at one time or another in their life, felt like they were balancing on one fine wire.
I try so many times
but it's not taking me
and it seems so long ago
that I used to believe
and I'm so lost inside of my head
and crazy
but I can't get out of it
I'm just stumbling
Life plays such silly games inside of me
and I've felt some distant cries, following
and their entwined between the night and sun beams
I wish I were free from this pain in me
And I'm juggling all the thoughts in my head
I'm juggling and my fears on fire
but I'm listening as it evolves in my head
I'm balancing on one fine wire
And I remember the time my balance was fine
and I was just walking on one fine wire
I remember the time my balance was fine
and I was just walking on one fine wire
and it's frayed at both the ends
and I'm slow unraveling...
-------------------------------------------
In the posting Lost , I explained my motivation to document the music that has comforted me over the past five years as I've dealt with infertility. This is another song in my collection.
For all the music postings click here .
Anyway, this song came on during my drive to work today and, as I listened to the words, it was amazing how closely they described my life as it is now. I'm sure there are many people who, at one time or another in their life, felt like they were balancing on one fine wire.
I try so many times
but it's not taking me
and it seems so long ago
that I used to believe
and I'm so lost inside of my head
and crazy
but I can't get out of it
I'm just stumbling
Life plays such silly games inside of me
and I've felt some distant cries, following
and their entwined between the night and sun beams
I wish I were free from this pain in me
And I'm juggling all the thoughts in my head
I'm juggling and my fears on fire
but I'm listening as it evolves in my head
I'm balancing on one fine wire
And I remember the time my balance was fine
and I was just walking on one fine wire
I remember the time my balance was fine
and I was just walking on one fine wire
and it's frayed at both the ends
and I'm slow unraveling...
-------------------------------------------
In the posting Lost , I explained my motivation to document the music that has comforted me over the past five years as I've dealt with infertility. This is another song in my collection.
For all the music postings click here .
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Am I the Only One?
In the posting Lost , I explained my motivation to document the music that has comforted me over the past five years as I've dealt with infertility. This is another song in my collection.
-------------------------------------------
About 5 years ago, my friend Amy invited me to a Dixie Chicks concert. I only knew one song (Wide Open Spaces), but who am I to turn down a chance to hear live music? So, I went.
The concert was great and I enjoyed many of their songs. I downloaded a few of their CDs and listened to them, in the car mainly.
One day, I remember driving and listening to the Dixie Chicks. It was the first day after yet another cycle had ended with the same disappointing result. The song, Am I the Only One came on and I began to listen to the words.
Every word in this song rings of emotions I have felt throughout this process.
I will sometimes throw this song on when I'm feeling bitter and angry, and it feels good just to hear out loud the words I am feeling inside.
So many times, I have allowed myself to hope, only to be disappointed. What a fool I was. Infertility has wrung me and strung me and I don't recognize the person I've become. It has, in reality, hung years on my face. There are days when I feel I can truly fake only one more smile. It can be suffocating. I find myself begging God for some kind of sign that shows me I'm not as alone as I feel.
This song also speaks to the anger I feel watching friends cope with this same trial. My heart hurts for them and my imperfect, mortal side feels bitter and inconsolable for their heartache. If there are so many of us facing this trial, why do we still feel so alone and desolate? What is it about infertility that isolates you from everyone, even people who are struggling too?
Most of my "infertility" songs are hopeful and soothing, but there are a few that comfort in a different way. They allow the unresolved and unreasonable girl inside me to ring out for a moment or two.
This is one of those songs:
There Is No Good Reason
I Should Have To Be So Alone
I'm Smothered By This Emptiness
Lord I Wish I Was Made Of Stone
Like I Fool I Lent My Soul To Love
And It Paid Me Back In Change
God Help Me
Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?
A Heart That's Worn And Weathered
Would Know Better Than To Fight
But I Wore Mine Like A Weapon
Played Out Love Like A Crime
And It Wrung Me Out And Strung Me Out
And It Hung Years On My Face
God Help Me
Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?
Now My Sense Of Humor Needs A Break
I See A Shadow In The Mirror
And She's Laughin' Through Her Tears
One More Smile's All I Can Fake
There Is A Wound Inside Me
And It's Bleeding Like A Flood
There's Times When I See A Light Ahead
Hope Is Not Enough
As Another Night Surrounds Me
And It Pounds Me Like A Wave
God Help Me
Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?
God Help Me
Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?
For all the music postings click here .
-------------------------------------------
About 5 years ago, my friend Amy invited me to a Dixie Chicks concert. I only knew one song (Wide Open Spaces), but who am I to turn down a chance to hear live music? So, I went.
The concert was great and I enjoyed many of their songs. I downloaded a few of their CDs and listened to them, in the car mainly.
One day, I remember driving and listening to the Dixie Chicks. It was the first day after yet another cycle had ended with the same disappointing result. The song, Am I the Only One came on and I began to listen to the words.
Every word in this song rings of emotions I have felt throughout this process.
I will sometimes throw this song on when I'm feeling bitter and angry, and it feels good just to hear out loud the words I am feeling inside.
So many times, I have allowed myself to hope, only to be disappointed. What a fool I was. Infertility has wrung me and strung me and I don't recognize the person I've become. It has, in reality, hung years on my face. There are days when I feel I can truly fake only one more smile. It can be suffocating. I find myself begging God for some kind of sign that shows me I'm not as alone as I feel.
This song also speaks to the anger I feel watching friends cope with this same trial. My heart hurts for them and my imperfect, mortal side feels bitter and inconsolable for their heartache. If there are so many of us facing this trial, why do we still feel so alone and desolate? What is it about infertility that isolates you from everyone, even people who are struggling too?
Most of my "infertility" songs are hopeful and soothing, but there are a few that comfort in a different way. They allow the unresolved and unreasonable girl inside me to ring out for a moment or two.
This is one of those songs:
There Is No Good Reason
I Should Have To Be So Alone
I'm Smothered By This Emptiness
Lord I Wish I Was Made Of Stone
Like I Fool I Lent My Soul To Love
And It Paid Me Back In Change
God Help Me
Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?
A Heart That's Worn And Weathered
Would Know Better Than To Fight
But I Wore Mine Like A Weapon
Played Out Love Like A Crime
And It Wrung Me Out And Strung Me Out
And It Hung Years On My Face
God Help Me
Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?
Now My Sense Of Humor Needs A Break
I See A Shadow In The Mirror
And She's Laughin' Through Her Tears
One More Smile's All I Can Fake
There Is A Wound Inside Me
And It's Bleeding Like A Flood
There's Times When I See A Light Ahead
Hope Is Not Enough
As Another Night Surrounds Me
And It Pounds Me Like A Wave
God Help Me
Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?
God Help Me
Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?
For all the music postings click here .
Friday, August 1, 2008
Miracle
In the posting Lost , I explained my motivation to document the music that has comforted me over the past five years as I've dealt with infertility. This is another song in my collection.
-------------------------------------------
I heard the song "Miracle" by the Foo Fighters for the first time a couple of years ago. As with many of the songs that have touched me during this time in my life, I am sure infertility was not the artist's inspiration in writing the song. Even so, this is what I take from it:
The verses resonate with the exhaustion and desperation that is inside me. The idea that I am blind to the reason for this struggle speaks to my heart, and the hope that one day I will see the reason why this was my path is comforting.
As I hear the words, "hands on a miracle", I can't help but think about that day in the future when I hold my baby for the first time. I can't wait to have my hands on a miracle and know the strength, endurance, and growth that has changed me over the past several years can never be taken away.
Often, I've dreamed of a home video featuring our precious miracle and this song. I replay this scene over and over in my mind. I know someday I'll hold a miracle and feel the overwhelming love that miracle brings.
Until then, I just listen to the song and imagine that day.
Miracle
Crazy, but I believe this time
Begging for sweet relief
A blessing in disguise
I'm dying behind these tired eyes
I've been losing sleep
Please come to me tonight
Hands on a miracle
I got my hands on a miracle
Believe it or not
Hands on a miracle
And there ain't no way, that you take it away
Everything that we've survived
It's gonna be alright
Just lucky we're alive
Got no vision
I've been blind
Searching everywhere
You're right here in my sight
Hands on a miracle
I got my hands on a miracle
Believe it or not
Hands on a miracle
And there ain't no way, that you take it away
Hands on a miracle
I got my hands on a miracle
Believe it or not
Hands on a miracle
I got my hands on a miracle
And there ain't no way, that you take it away
For all the music postings click here .
-------------------------------------------
I heard the song "Miracle" by the Foo Fighters for the first time a couple of years ago. As with many of the songs that have touched me during this time in my life, I am sure infertility was not the artist's inspiration in writing the song. Even so, this is what I take from it:
The verses resonate with the exhaustion and desperation that is inside me. The idea that I am blind to the reason for this struggle speaks to my heart, and the hope that one day I will see the reason why this was my path is comforting.
As I hear the words, "hands on a miracle", I can't help but think about that day in the future when I hold my baby for the first time. I can't wait to have my hands on a miracle and know the strength, endurance, and growth that has changed me over the past several years can never be taken away.
Often, I've dreamed of a home video featuring our precious miracle and this song. I replay this scene over and over in my mind. I know someday I'll hold a miracle and feel the overwhelming love that miracle brings.
Until then, I just listen to the song and imagine that day.
Miracle
Crazy, but I believe this time
Begging for sweet relief
A blessing in disguise
I'm dying behind these tired eyes
I've been losing sleep
Please come to me tonight
Hands on a miracle
I got my hands on a miracle
Believe it or not
Hands on a miracle
And there ain't no way, that you take it away
Everything that we've survived
It's gonna be alright
Just lucky we're alive
Got no vision
I've been blind
Searching everywhere
You're right here in my sight
Hands on a miracle
I got my hands on a miracle
Believe it or not
Hands on a miracle
And there ain't no way, that you take it away
Hands on a miracle
I got my hands on a miracle
Believe it or not
Hands on a miracle
I got my hands on a miracle
And there ain't no way, that you take it away
For all the music postings click here .
Friday, July 25, 2008
Lost
They say that music is the soundtrack to our lives. Sometimes, I will hear a song and I am instantly transported to another time and place, whether it's a childhood memory, my wedding day, or the high school prom.
The same thing has happened over the last five years as I've dealt with infertility. Certain music can comfort me when it seems there is nothing else that will. Some songs are hopeful, some sad, some bitter, some spiritual and some have a touch of irony.
I have been known to listen to some songs over and over on my drive to work. Something about hearing the words several times helps to inoculate me for the day and buoys me up. Other times, a song will come on the radio and catch me off guard. Before I know it, I'm crying and, in that moment, it feels the singer is the only one in the world who knows how I feel. Most of the songs were not written about infertility but something in them, whether it's a particular verse, or the chorus, or even just the melody, causes me to pull that song into this part of my life.
Like any other life-changing event, my infertility has a soundtrack. So, over time, I hope to record the soundtrack on this blog, starting with "Lost".
-------------------------------------------------------
Michael Buble is known as a crooner, a modern day young Sinatra. Mostly he sings old school crooner-style songs (which I love): I Got the World on a String, That's All, How Sweet It Is, etc. He also has a couple "original" songs as well: Home, Everything, and Lost.
One lonely morning, I was downloading some Michael Buble songs and I saw the song "Lost". I had never heard it before but I thought, why not? I've pretty much liked everything else he's done. So I added that to my list and burned all my songs onto a CD.
This was back when Ryan and I were carpooling, so I left to go pick him up. I popped the CD into my stereo and it just so happened that Lost was the first song.
As I listened to the words, tears began streaming down my face. I don't know why, but I felt comforted. Infertility is very lonely. There's nothing anyone can do about it, it just is. As I heard the words, "You are not alone, I am there with you", I really felt peaceful, like someone heard me, someone understands, and someone cares. And I'm not lost.
It sounds ridiculous, I'm sure, even to me. But someone was there with me that morning. I don't know if it was a spiritual thing, or what. Maybe the strong part of me was talking to my weaker part, like my head was talking to my heart? I don't know. All I know is, in that moment, that song spoke to me and I didn't feel as alone.
Lost
Can't believe it's over
I watched the whole thing fall
And I never saw the writing that was on the wall
If I only knew
Days were slipping past
That the good things never last
That you were crying
Summer turned to winter
And the snow it turned to rain
And the rain turned into tears upon your face
I hardly recognized the girl you are today
And god I hope it's not too late
It's not too late
'Cause you are not alone
I'm always there with you
And we'll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
When your world's crashing down
And you can't bear to fall
I said, babe, you're not lost
Life can show no mercy
It can tear your soul apart
It can make you feel like you've gone crazy
But you're not
Things have seem to changed
There's one thing that's still the same
In my heart you have remained
And we can fly, fly, fly away
'Cause you are not alone
And I am there with you
And we'll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
When the world's crashing down
And you cannot bear to crawl
I said, baby, you're not lost
For all the music postings click here .
The same thing has happened over the last five years as I've dealt with infertility. Certain music can comfort me when it seems there is nothing else that will. Some songs are hopeful, some sad, some bitter, some spiritual and some have a touch of irony.
I have been known to listen to some songs over and over on my drive to work. Something about hearing the words several times helps to inoculate me for the day and buoys me up. Other times, a song will come on the radio and catch me off guard. Before I know it, I'm crying and, in that moment, it feels the singer is the only one in the world who knows how I feel. Most of the songs were not written about infertility but something in them, whether it's a particular verse, or the chorus, or even just the melody, causes me to pull that song into this part of my life.
Like any other life-changing event, my infertility has a soundtrack. So, over time, I hope to record the soundtrack on this blog, starting with "Lost".
-------------------------------------------------------
Michael Buble is known as a crooner, a modern day young Sinatra. Mostly he sings old school crooner-style songs (which I love): I Got the World on a String, That's All, How Sweet It Is, etc. He also has a couple "original" songs as well: Home, Everything, and Lost.
One lonely morning, I was downloading some Michael Buble songs and I saw the song "Lost". I had never heard it before but I thought, why not? I've pretty much liked everything else he's done. So I added that to my list and burned all my songs onto a CD.
This was back when Ryan and I were carpooling, so I left to go pick him up. I popped the CD into my stereo and it just so happened that Lost was the first song.
As I listened to the words, tears began streaming down my face. I don't know why, but I felt comforted. Infertility is very lonely. There's nothing anyone can do about it, it just is. As I heard the words, "You are not alone, I am there with you", I really felt peaceful, like someone heard me, someone understands, and someone cares. And I'm not lost.
It sounds ridiculous, I'm sure, even to me. But someone was there with me that morning. I don't know if it was a spiritual thing, or what. Maybe the strong part of me was talking to my weaker part, like my head was talking to my heart? I don't know. All I know is, in that moment, that song spoke to me and I didn't feel as alone.
Lost
Can't believe it's over
I watched the whole thing fall
And I never saw the writing that was on the wall
If I only knew
Days were slipping past
That the good things never last
That you were crying
Summer turned to winter
And the snow it turned to rain
And the rain turned into tears upon your face
I hardly recognized the girl you are today
And god I hope it's not too late
It's not too late
'Cause you are not alone
I'm always there with you
And we'll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
When your world's crashing down
And you can't bear to fall
I said, babe, you're not lost
Life can show no mercy
It can tear your soul apart
It can make you feel like you've gone crazy
But you're not
Things have seem to changed
There's one thing that's still the same
In my heart you have remained
And we can fly, fly, fly away
'Cause you are not alone
And I am there with you
And we'll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
When the world's crashing down
And you cannot bear to crawl
I said, baby, you're not lost
For all the music postings click here .
Monday, April 21, 2008
Only Hope
In the posting Lost , I explained my motivation to document the music that has comforted me over the past five years as I've dealt with infertility. This is another song in my collection.
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When I think about my journey with infertility, there is often much confusion. Sometimes, I feel intense frustration, like God is trying to teach me something, that I am supposed to gain something from this trail, and He is waiting for me to learn and grow before I receive this blessing. Too many questions follow...Which direction does He want me go? What should I do next? After five years, I sometimes feel clueless about what exactly He wants from me! I'll do what it takes, but what is it I am supposed to do? I can look back and see how much I've grown over the years and know that there is so much more growing I can do...but I am tired and just want it to be over.
Then, at other times, I feel a warm feeling inside telling me to just turn it over to Him. Don't worry what it is I am supposed to learn, just get through the trial day by day. Survive the hard ones and relish the good ones. He has a plan for me, and I may not know it yet, but I will someday.
Today was one of the hard days. Then, this afternoon, I happened on a song. For some reason, this song spoke to me today. Listening to the words was very emotional for me. I felt an overwhelming sense of comfort.
I want to be what God wants me to be, to be worthy of the blessings I know He has in store for me. He has not forgotten me. And, during those tough days, if hope and faith in Him is all I have to hang on to, then that should be enough.
Only Hope
There's a song that's inside of my soul.
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold.
But You sing to me over and over and over again.
So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only Yours, I pray, to be only Yours
I know now You're my only hope.
Sing to me the song of the stars.
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again.
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again.
So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only Yours, I pray, to be only Yours
I know now, You're my only hope.
I give You my destiny.
I'm giving You all of me.
I want Your symphony, singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs, I'm giving it back.
So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only Yours, I pray, to be only Yours
I pray, to be only Yours
I know now You're my only hope.
For all the music postings click here .
-------------------------------------------
When I think about my journey with infertility, there is often much confusion. Sometimes, I feel intense frustration, like God is trying to teach me something, that I am supposed to gain something from this trail, and He is waiting for me to learn and grow before I receive this blessing. Too many questions follow...Which direction does He want me go? What should I do next? After five years, I sometimes feel clueless about what exactly He wants from me! I'll do what it takes, but what is it I am supposed to do? I can look back and see how much I've grown over the years and know that there is so much more growing I can do...but I am tired and just want it to be over.
Then, at other times, I feel a warm feeling inside telling me to just turn it over to Him. Don't worry what it is I am supposed to learn, just get through the trial day by day. Survive the hard ones and relish the good ones. He has a plan for me, and I may not know it yet, but I will someday.
Today was one of the hard days. Then, this afternoon, I happened on a song. For some reason, this song spoke to me today. Listening to the words was very emotional for me. I felt an overwhelming sense of comfort.
I want to be what God wants me to be, to be worthy of the blessings I know He has in store for me. He has not forgotten me. And, during those tough days, if hope and faith in Him is all I have to hang on to, then that should be enough.
Only Hope
There's a song that's inside of my soul.
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold.
But You sing to me over and over and over again.
So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only Yours, I pray, to be only Yours
I know now You're my only hope.
Sing to me the song of the stars.
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again.
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again.
So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only Yours, I pray, to be only Yours
I know now, You're my only hope.
I give You my destiny.
I'm giving You all of me.
I want Your symphony, singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs, I'm giving it back.
So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only Yours, I pray, to be only Yours
I pray, to be only Yours
I know now You're my only hope.
For all the music postings click here .
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