Get Real?

I have been accused of something just awful… Apparently, I am too positive. Dreadful, isn’t it? ;)

I am actually okay with being called “too positive”. There are worse things in this world. What hurts is being told I’m not “real” about this trial of infertility or that I “sugar-coat” my experience.

Hmmm, have you read this post?

Or this one?

Or, more recently, this one?

Did you miss the entire year where I was clinically depressed to the point of medical intervention?

Did you forget my miscarriage?

I am writing this blog from my experience and my perspective. I choose to focus on positivity whenever possible, simply because I find I get through the day better when it’s there. Some days that method doesn’t work and I feel bitter and alone. But guess what? I write about those times too.

Just because I don’t declare war on every pregnant woman out there and fill my blog with negativity all the time doesn’t mean I don’t hurt. But concentrating on that doesn’t get me anywhere. At the end of it, I'll still be infertile. But I'll also be angry, bitter and miserable.

Someday, my children will read this story. How wonderful would it be if they could come away from it feeling like their mother handled herself gracefully during these last 8 years? That is my goal. I’m not there yet, but I try. Sometimes, I let out a nice big vent and it feels so good. And then I remember the TRUE goal of my journey, and all that negativity doesn’t seem as important anymore. It is not my purpose.

So, if you are interested in reading how *I* see, feel and experience infertility, stick with me. I promise a journey of faith, hope and the occasional meltdown. Should be a fun time!

If you are only into vents and rages, I have a number of other sites I can suggest instead…

Go Forward in 2011

As I mentioned before, Ryan and I fasted this Sunday. Our hope is to be blessed with children someday, and this was the purpose of our fast. I received emails and phone calls from family and close friends who fasted with us, and we so appreciate the support. More than you can know. The day ended with a priesthood blessing which, again, confirmed that our deepest desires will come to fruition in the Lord's time.

I am buoying myself up with this promise and have decided on a personal theme for 2011... Go forward on the assumption that everything will work out. My goal is to use this simple phrase as my mantra whenever times are tough. I am hoping I'll be able to. So far so good... but it is only day three of 2011. ;) Little victories, right?

Keep that Feeling

Ever since I received some answers about this long journey we’re on, my life has completely changed. No one can tell by looking on the outside… I’m still not pregnant, on a break, unsure of when our blessings will finally come… but on the inside, I feel like a different person.

My faith that motherhood will come has returned. My knowledge of which path is right for us is sure. Now I have to simply do my part and lean on my dear frienemy… patience.

In the meantime, I am doing things to protect myself from sad situations to try and keep this positive, happy attitude for as long as possible.

I reclaimed my lunch hour. I decided it is my hour in the middle of the day to do whatever I’d like. As I mentioned before, work is a difficult place for me right now. The people are awesome, but the circumstances are hard sometimes. Now, instead of eating lunch in the conference room, I use that time to run errands, read a book, watch something fun on Netflicks, or even write a quick blog entry. ;) I am loving this hour for myself immensely and it is the right decision for now.

Another thing I am doing is hiding people on Facebook. I had only hidden a few, select people before, mainly those who posted too frequently, use it for business networking, etc. I have expanded this to include people who are in a stage of life where motherhood consumes them. Not all mothers, mind you, just the ones who constantly post about their babies, kids, and the endless frustrations of being a mom. I don’t fault these women at all, so I hope no one is offended. Once I’m a mom, you probably won’t be able to shut me up about that kind of thing! :) But for now, I don’t need to see it all the time. (Disclaimer to my mommy friends who are reading this: I am not talking about you. The moms I am hiding on Facebook do not follow my blog or even comment about my situation when it does come up. They are 100% in their own mommy world, which is fine, but I don’t want to live in their world right now.)

I have continued saying “no”. I started trying out the “no” word when I began treatments again about 5 months ago. I made the decision that I am going to keep using that word, even during this treatment break. Sometimes I modify it a bit (“Yes, I’ll help with that, but I can only do such-and-such.”). I’ve learned that it is not always selfish to say no; sometimes it’s self-preservation. On the flip side, when I do say “yes”, I don’t begrudge it because I consciously chose to do it. I find that helps me enjoy the task more, and I do a better job.

There is a lot more I’m doing, but I’ll just share one last thing. I am trying to have a tougher skin and focus on what really matters. One small example… Since I posted about my experience on Sunday, I lost several readers who were following along publically. My natural instinct is to have hurt feelings and mull it over for a while, wondering why they left. Maybe I had offended them… maybe my blog isn’t “real” enough (I’ve been accused of being *too* positive in the past)… maybe it’s too religious… maybe they got bored…

In reality, it absolutely does not matter. When I started this blog, it was just to document my fertility treatments so that people who knew what I was going through wouldn’t have to ask all the time how I was doing. The money for treatments fizzled out quite quickly and what came after was years of working through the never-ending grief that is infertility. I kept writing, thinking it could be something that my future child would read someday, or at least a history for myself of our journey. That is the real purpose, not whether 100 people read along or 1000. I know it seems silly, but I am a sensitive soul, and I could be hurt by a lot of silly things. Refocusing on what’s really important is helping me to stay sane.

I feel like I have changed a lot since Sunday, and I hope this positivity and peace sticks around for a while. I find myself actually able to bear the holiday season this year, something that has been lacking in many years past.

I want to share a quote that a wonderful woman posted on here a few days back. On Sunday, I was completely low. Hopeless. The desperation and despair was worse that day than it had been in a long time. Even worse than when I found out we were losing our baby (although the miscarriage was a *huge* part of why I was feeling so low on Sunday – delayed despair I guess). I thought it just couldn’t get any worse. It was at that moment, that God showed mercy on me, and gave me answers I had waited 7 years to hear. This quote describes that moment perfectly.

When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.

- Harriet Beecher Stowe

What a Headache!

After the whole miscarriage roller coaster, I am once again trying to keep the timing of my treatments private. I tried that with our first Follistim/IUI, but because of certain obligations, I had to miss out on events and find substitutes and the word soon got around.

The second Follistim/IUI treatment, I was open about the timing from the beginning. So when I got my BFP, I felt I needed to tell as everyone right away, as they knew the exact day I’d be finding out anyway.

We watched the heartache of close friends and family who had waited so long for that good news, only to see it taken away a week later, and we decided we couldn’t go through that again. Somehow, someway we would have to keep this next treatment private.

So far we’ve been pretty good. My co-workers might know (because of the missed work due to appointments), but to the world at large our secret appears pretty safe.

The benefit to doing this is I can vent all I want and I don’t feel bad because no one is reading this (yet)! In the past, I sometimes tried to censor myself for fear that people would think I was trying to get sympathy. By the time anyone reads this, I will be way past this point. No sympathy needed (or wanted either!).

This cycle reminds me of our last one, but with an even stronger headache. The nurse told me that the headache is a sign I need to drink more water. I am supposed to drink half a gallon a day. On Tuesday (day 1 of the shots; day 3 of my cycle), the headache came within an hour of the first dose. I had already drunk my required half gallon of water before dinnertime and still it was there. By Wednesday morning, it was gone… just in time to take my second dose. Sure enough, an hour later it was back. I’ve just come to accept that it will be my companion during the 6 days or so that I take this medication. It is just interesting that it gets worse with each cycle, although this time makes more sense because they did increase my dose slightly.

Other than that, I am still plugging along, doing my shots and appreciating every moment. Any time I start to complain too much, I think back to where I was 2 years ago…

I was sitting in a psychologist’s office sobbing hysterically because we had too much debt and not enough money for treatments. The stock market had tanked, my career was stalled, and we were basically paycheck to paycheck. There was no light at the end of the tunnel and I was in the midst of a deep depression. No hope, no encouragement, no way out of where I was. I was so hysterical, at one point, she had me hold onto this little machine and concentrate on the patterns of the vibrations it made. Looking back, I think she was just trying to distract me enough to calm down so I could drive myself home.

Whenever I begrudge the shots, the emotions, the disappointments I am feeling now, I picture that person sitting on that couch holding onto that stupid vibrating machine. And it makes me grateful for every bit of it… even the headaches.

Arms Full of Babies

A couple days ago, I saw a picture posted online. It was a new mother in a hospital bed. She was holding her twin babies.

When I looked at that picture, I literally thought, "Her arms are full of babies". And then I felt my arms ache. Really. A physical reaction from a mere thought. Strange that can actually happen.

My arms ache for babies. My babies. Even with that painful thought, I am strangely comforted. Way back in my mind, I think I can picture a time when my arms will be full. And I can almost almost imagine what that might feel like.

Perception

Life is all about perception. How do we choose to look at our situation? Half-full or half-empty?

Half-empty: This new treatment I am pursuing (Follistim injectables with an IUI) has an 18% success rate. This means out of 100 couples who do this treatment, 82 of them will not be successful. I could become pregnant with this treatment, but it is much more likely that I will come out of this with no baby.

Half-full: Without treatment, Ryan and I have less than 1% chance of conceiving. With the treatment, our chances are 18%. I could interpret that to mean that we are 1700% more likely to get pregnant this month than in previous months. That is quite an increase!

The half-empty side is quite depressing. I don’t want to be one of those 82 people left disappointed at the end of the month.

However, I can’t help but feel a rush of excitement whenever I think of the half-full scenario.

So for now I am choosing to be half-full. After years of waiting, I am trying to enjoy feeling hopeful again.

Prayer

Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other. The object of prayer is not to change the will of God, but to secure for ourselves and for others blessings that God is already willing to grant, but that are made conditional on our asking for them. Blessings require some work or effort on our part before we can obtain them. Prayer is a form of work, and is an appointed means for obtaining the highest of all blessings.

This is part of the definition of prayer from the Bible Dictionary (emphasis added). A fellow church member shared this with the congregation last week and I just loved it.

I hope God is seeing us do our part of the work, and is willing to grant us our blessing sometime soon.

I AM Tough!

The other day, my boss was teasing me, as he loves to do so often. I take it very well, and occasionally dish it back. As the morning went on, and the teasing persisted, he made the comment, “You’re not very tough. So-and-so is tougher than you.”

I thought about this statement, “You’re not very tough”, for several days after.

Although he was just teasing me, I began to think about this comment in a much deeper sense.

I AM tough. I am tougher than most people around me realize.

And you are too.

As we look around at our fellow co-workers, friends, family and strangers, we have no idea what struggles they are dealing with. Sometimes, people are more open about their problems, but other times they keep their trails to themselves.

For example, anyone who reads this blog, or is close to me, knows about my struggle with infertility. But they don’t know the other things I have dealt with over these past 7 years, whether they are professional, personal, or spiritual.

We see someone on a daily or weekly basis, and we think we know them. But we may not really know them at all. We could label someone as ‘tough’, and discredit another as ‘weak’, and we could be completely backwards.

We are promised we will not be given more than we can handle. For some people, a certain trail is all they could take. It completely turns their world upside-down, and makes them question everything they’ve ever been sure of before. But someone else could take on that trial along with 3 others, and still smile at the end of the day.

It is not up to us to determine who is ‘tough’. It is up to us to BE tough, and to rest comfortably in that knowledge, despite how others may perceive us.

Appreciating the Sun

I love the rain. In fact, one of my dreams is to live in Seattle someday. Now, I know I’ve only been there once, and during the best time of year, but I can’t help feeling connected to that city. I love it!

Anyway, I digress.

California has been ambushed by rain storms. For a ‘desert’, we sure are drowning here! It’s been 5 or 6 days straight of dark skies, violent wind, and periodic downpours.

Today, I was heading out to lunch when I noticed the skies part. Suddenly, the sun emerged and beat down on the wet, clean earth. I raised my face up to it and felt its warmth. After not seeing the sun for so long, I couldn’t help but pause and appreciate its presence.

At that moment, a thought came to mind. If this was your typical California day, I wouldn’t have even noticed the sun. I might have even complained that it was too bright, or too hot. But because I had felt the rain for so long, I appreciated when the sun finally emerged.

Such is true about life: You have to go through the rainy days to appreciate the sun.

Although I love rainy weather, I don’t much care for rain in life. All of our trials, heartache and disappointment pour down on us… and we wonder if it will ever end.

But inevitably the sun will come out and, when it does, we will notice its warmth and feel its glow more than ever before. And that feeling will be worth all this rain.

So, for right now, we’ll just open our umbrella, dance in a few puddles, and wait for the sun.

Smile

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky,
you'll get by

If you smile through your pain and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through
for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear
may be ever so near

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.

In Pursuit of Happiness

In January 2009, Ryan snapped this picture of me in a hotel room in Costa Mesa. He was in a two-week training course for work and I had come down to visit him. I like this picture because I think it's a fun close-up. I have used it for various 'profile pics' and the like.

But there is an interesting aspect about this picture that only I think about when I see it. These eyes contained a lot of pain. This picture was taken days before I finally sought help from my doctor. During the trip to see Ryan, I didn't really want to leave the hotel room. Here we were together in beautiful SoCal, all expenses paid, and I felt most comfortable in bed in a tiny, dark hotel room. I spent an entire night of the trip crying next to him while he slept. And I mean an entire night. Although I was pleasant towards him, I was miserable inside.

Months have passed since that time.

Recently, a dear friend and up-and-coming photographer, Isa Sabey offered to take some pictures of us. We hadn't had someone do that for us in years. Here is one of the pictures:

This shot is one of those 'candid' ones Isa snapped when we were laughing at something or other (probably at how awkward we felt having our picture taken).

When I look at this picture, I see a woman who is happy. It has been said that the 'eyes are the window to the soul'. Well, to me, I can see a sparkle in these eyes that has been missing for a long time.

People say a result of seeking help for depression is that you feel like yourself again. Over these five years of dealing with infertility, I had forgotten who I was. I feel like the Michelle from years past. I actually like myself again.

In high school, I was told that I 'always have a smile'. My drama teacher would laugh at me because, even in the most dramatic scene, my eyes were always twinkling. She said, no matter what my face was doing, it was impossible for me not to look happy.

I wouldn't say I'm at that point yet, but I am getting there. I find myself excited about life.

Two days ago, I bought myself a designer purse. The significance of that? Well, for years I have told everyone how much I hated shopping. I don't remember the last time I bought myself something nice. I would go clothes shopping, but refuse to try anything on. Looking back, I realize I didn't really like myself. Not only that, but anytime I (or Ryan for that matter) would purchase something, I would feel that it was pushing my dream of motherhood that much further away. I allowed myself no joy in treating myself unless it was directly related to my goal. The only exception was food. Food was now my comfort.

How things have changed! I find joy in so many things now, including the occasional purchase of something nice just for me. Many people talk about 'retail therapy', but it turns out I only like to treat myself when I feel good.

I could go on and on with the changes happening around here. I could talk about the many times I have turned to Ryan in amazement and said, "I just feel so happy". I can say that I have gone from crying several times per day, to twice in 2 months, and both of those were spiritually related.

The point is that now I feel I can see infertility for what it is, a hard and difficult trial that I pray everyday will have a resolution soon. But, regardless, infertility doesn't define me anymore.

I am a member of the LDS church. I love to cook and bake new things. I like to write. I am learning to be a financial planner and have the best co-workers in the world. Autumn is my favorite season. I work with the teenage girls at church and love it. My favorite smells are the mountains, chopped cilantro, and freshly baked cookies. I like to go camping and visit big cities. I love my kitties and talk to them like they are people. I like the color green, but I don't look good wearing it. I am a wife, daughter, sister, aunt and friend, who longs to also add "mother" to that resume someday.

I still feel sadness when I think of our empty house. I still have days where I don't want to talk about babies or pregnancy or adoption. I still hear the ticking clock in the background and hope I can start my family before it's "too late" (whatever that means).

But I also feel happy. Every day is a pursuit of happiness now. And most days I am winning.

Life's Little Gifts

I had an amazing time with my husband the last two nights. We didn't do anything particularly unusual, just spent time alone together, him and me. What we shared would not have been possible with children running around the house. This is one of those times I am choosing to be grateful for the place I am right now.

Blah

I was looking for the perfect way to describe how I feel today and I finally found it: Blah. Here are the components...

A hunk of exhaustion
A teaspoon of bitterness
A scoopful of stress
A cup of resilience
A dash of depression

Luckily, Blah shouldn't last too long. It will expire soon and I'll have to whip up a new mood "recipe". Hopefully, the next one will be sweeter.

And tomorrow is another day... :)

It's a Choice, People!

Can you choose to be positive? I think so.

I am going through the hardest trial of my life, thus far. I know that there are so many people out there (some I know personally) who's trails far outweigh my own, but for me this has been hard. It has been long and intense and, although I know that I will overcome it eventually, sometimes it feels it is a battle that will never be won.

There are a lot of days that I want to roll over in bed, pull the sheets over my head, and disappear for a while. Many times, I'll just sit and stare into space for a while, absent of any thoughts or feelings. Sometimes, I have to force myself to do things that I should enjoy.

Why do I share this? I'm asking myself that same question at this moment. Confessing these feelings is embarrassing. It makes me feel selfish, especially considering what some people struggle with everyday: illness and disease, the death of a loved one, the loss of a child, etc.

Maybe someday I'll look back on this and feel so silly, roll my eyes, and tell myself to get over it. Or maybe not.

Can you choose to be positive? I think so. But it's not easy...

Most days, I consciously make that choice hour by hour. On bad days, minute by minute.

Sometimes, it is literally an excruciating choice to make. Hiding under the covers would be so much easier. I wouldn't have to venture out into the world, pulling myself away from my selfishness, and think of others. Showing happiness for friends and family who appear to have everything they want, sometimes celebrating the very thing I desire. Feeling empathy for people who have their own struggles, forcing myself not to compare their struggles to mine, a comparison which usually results in frustration or guilt, depending on the situation. Either way, it never ends well.

A motto I have learned to live by: "Fake it until you make it". I feel ashamed to admit it, but occasionally I fake this positive facade. But I think that's okay; it usually only takes a little while before I become more genuine. And this way, I don't hurt anyone's feelings or bring anyone down. Despite what they say, misery doesn't always love company! (And, despite what Ryan says, sometimes I can be a very convincing actress...)

And positive thinking is a choice.

So every day, I'll make that choice. When I have a tough day, I'll wake up the next morning and make it again. When someone unintentionally says something discouraging, I'll encourage myself. And, when all else fails, I'll fake it.

And those times I just can't do it? I'll get through: whether it is taking a long shower, shedding tears in the car, shutting the door to my office, or purging those selfish feelings on here, I'll conquer it somehow. That's what everyone else is doing... fighting their demons one at a time. For we all will have them; no one is exempt!

Can you choose to be positive? What other choice is there...


---------------------------------------------

Side note: I just reread this journal entry and, wow, I was brutally honest. I reconsidered posting it, but then stopped myself. If I truly want to record this experience, I have to do it 100%, warts and all. Otherwise, what was the point?

Thinking about things...

This weekend, I spent a lot of time alone, which allowed for a lot of time to think. It all started with an article on positive thinking that was passed around the office on Thursday by my boss. This weekend will end with a lesson I am teaching to the young women at church on Sunday about overcoming opposition. I also had a long talk with my mom and a couple of friends. I think someone is trying to tell me something.

This has led me to feel some things that are quite surprising...

I am 28 years old and I have been trying to be a mom since age 23. If you had told me at 23 that I would be 28 and still be waiting, I would have been shocked. I was one of those "have all your kids by age 30" women. I thought I'd have 4 kids: at age 24, 26, 28, and 30. I even had names for them all: Katelyn, Jack, Lexie and Wyatt. :)

Well, over time, that idea has slipped away. It was replaced with confusion, heartache and sometimes even anger. Rather than having all my kids by 30, I began wondering if I'd have even one child at all.

So, back to my weekend of contemplation. I am 28 1/2 years old at this point. Ignoring all the sadness that goes along with being childless in a child-filled world, I began to wonder what would be the big difference between becoming a mother at 29 versus 30 or 31. Suppose I could survive the wait, would it really make a difference?

The infertility world, along with the LDS culture in general, puts a lot of emphasis on time. When you are going through infertility, you feel like doctors stamp a big hourglass on your forehead. You are known by numbers: age, weight, and FSH (this is the hormone level that dictates how good of an egg reserve you have). You are constantly urged not to waste time or it "might not happen for you". When you are LDS, the important numbers are slightly different: age and length of time married. Married 8 years? Yeah, you should have kids by now.

I have been going through 5 years of this now: Hurry, don't waste time! You don't have the money? Then wait. Why are you waiting? You don't have time! That treatment's too expensive? Have you tried this? Get a loan for treatments. You have THAT much debt? Why are you waiting? Multiply and replenish the earth. I thought you'd do anything to be a mom! You're young, you have time. Your healthy. You should have done this treatment right away! Don't think about it. All you've done is clomid? It will happen in the Lord's time. Why don't you adopt? You're lucky, do you want my kids? Your treatment's not that expensive. Hey, just RELAX!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I'd like to meet the person who is not confused after 5 years of dealing with that!

I recently got my CFP(R) designation and have begun taking on clients. This weekend, I have been thinking about continuing with herbs and vitamins but, in the meantime, shifting my focus to building my business. If I throw my whole self into it, I could have my client base built by the time I'm 30. I would then be bringing in enough money to pay off all our debt and build a small cash reserve in less than 6 months. At that point, my discretionary income would be more than adequate to do a fertility treatment each month, if I chose. I would be 30 1/2 at that point, seven years of infertility.

The thought of bringing a baby (or babies) into this family at that time, with financial security and a solid part-time, work-mostly-from-home environment is lovely. It would give Ryan and I a chance to truly get on our feet, to live the way we know we should, debt-free and within our means. All this feels really good.

However, the idea of dealing with the heartbreak for another two years feels traumatic. It is really scary.

What if waiting those two years makes my chances of either conceiving or being chosen by a birth mom even slimmer? What if waiting means I will be forced to have less children? Will I make it through these next two years without becoming bitter towards all children and their unappreciative parents?

On the other hand, I am not preventing...I am completely open to a miraculous pregnancy, if God chooses to grant me one. A surprise pregnancy would be greeted with tears of gratitude and relief. I would just not try so hard in the meantime.

It is a horribly confusing place to be. More prayer, fasting, temple visiting, is needed I guess. No decisions have been made, I am just thinking about things. Trying to see this burden in a different light, trying to find a little happiness somehow, somewhere.

While I wait for answers, I will share that article passed around work. It is what started this weekend of reanalysis, trying to think outside the box. It is a really good article:

-------------------------------------------------------

Change your thoughts, change your life
Harvey Mackay

If what you see is what you get, what will you get?

That all depends on what you see.

A man pulled into a small restaurant on the outskirts of town. He remarked to his server: "I was just transferred to your town, and I've never been to this part of the country. What are people like here?"

"What are people like where you come from?" asked the server.

"Not so nice," the man replied. "In fact, they can be quite rude."

The server shook her head and said, "Well, I'm afraid you'll find the people in this town to be the same way."

A second gentleman came in and sat at a nearby table. He called out to the server. "I'm just moving to your area. Is it nice here?"

"Was it nice where you came from?" inquired the server.

"Oh, yes! I came from a great place. The people were friendly, and I hated to leave."

"Well, you'll find the same to be true of this town."

At hearing this, the first customer was irritated and asked his server, "So tell me, what is this town really like?"

She just shrugged her shoulders and said, "It's all a matter of perception. You'll find things to be just the way you think they are."

Is your glass half full or half empty?

What do you see? Do you love your job even though there are a few things that bug you? Or do you let the little annoyances drive you crazy and complain to your co-workers non-stop?

As radio commentator Paul Harvey once said: "I have never seen a monument erected to a pessimist."

A pessimist is one who makes difficulties out of opportunities. I've rarely seen a successful pessimist. You need to be able to look on the bright side of tough situations in order to take risks, and survive both successes and failures. The sooner you accept the fact that you will have both successes and failures, the easier it will be to get your business and personal life headed in the right direction.

An optimist, on the other hand, understands that life can be a bumpy road, but at least it is leading somewhere. They learn from mistakes and failures, and are not afraid to fail again. Optimists know that as long as you get up after you're knocked down, you are not defeated.

The annals of business are full of successful people who have gone bankrupt, lost companies, faced public humiliation and still came out on top. The only difference was their attitude: They believed in themselves and the others around them. Hard work, discipline and, occasionally, a little bit of luck kept them going. There's no reason it can't work for all of us, too.

In his book, How to Stop Worrying and Start Living, which I highly recommend, Dale Carnegie tells the story of a young man who worried himself into a nervous breakdown. He worried about everything: his weight, his hair, money, being a father, losing the girl he wanted to marry and what others thought about him. He worried that he had ulcers.

Eventually, his worry made it impossible for him to work. Something had to give, and that was when he had his breakdown.

The young man avoided everyone and cried a lot. He decided to go to Florida to see whether a change in scenery would help him. When he got on the train, his father handed him a letter and told him not to open it until he reached his destination. He was even more miserable in Florida than he had been at home.

Finally, he opened the letter from his father, which read: "Son, you are 1,500 miles from home, and you don't feel any different, do you? I knew you wouldn't because you took with you the one thing that is the cause of all your trouble: that is, yourself. There is nothing wrong with either your body or your mind. It is not the situations you have met that have thrown you; it is what you think of these situations. 'As a man thinketh in his heart, so he is.' When you realize that son, come home, for you will be cured."

After some reflection, he realized his father was right. It was not the world that needed to change; it was merely the lens of his mind that needed adjustment.

Mackay's Moral: If seeing is believing, start seeing the bright side.