Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Total Bummer!

I got some disappointing news this weekend... I have heard that LDS Family Services is raising its adoption rates substantially. Instead of 10% of your annual income, the fee will be 20% (as of Jan 1st). I believe the minimum has changed too, now at $10,000 instead of $4000. I have not yet been able to confirm these changes online. I am wondering if anyone has any more info.

Also, because the Morning After Pill is now available over the counter, the number of babies available for adoption has dramatically decreased.

For a person in my postition, this type of news is discouraging.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

A Mother's Love

Believe it or not, there are those out there who think you can't love a child as deeply if they are not "your own" (i.e., biologically related). To those people, I want you to watch this video.

Like every other species, women are capable of loving a child as their own, regardless of their biology. And, as an adoptee myself, I can say a child is capable of feeling the love of a mother who did not give birth to them.

All women can be mothers.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Don't Rush the Milestones!

I got an epiphany the other night while watching television. Hmmm… now that is a funny statement if I’ve ever heard one…

Anyway, there was an elderly patient who was trying to convince his family that he needed to undergo a risky operation which seemed voluntary and unnecessary, but would “improve his quality of life”.

In talking with his family, the man said something to this effect (paraphrasing here),

“You don’t know what it is like for someone my age. I have already crossed all the milestones in my life: graduation, marriage, becoming a father, career, watching my kids grow up, becoming a grandparent… I look back and see so many yesterdays, and I don’t have very many tomorrows.”

Now, I do believe that no matter how old you are, there are many reasons to be excited for the future. Even so, there are those monumental milestones that nearly everyone achieves throughout his or her life. Once they are done, they are done. And all that’s left are the memories.

As I listened to the dialogue on television I thought, “Why am I rushing these milestones?”

All my life, I have always been waiting for the ‘next big thing’: graduation, marriage, graduation (again), career, and most of all CHILDREN. My eyes are fixed on the future, and don’t look around too much to enjoy the present.

The day will come that I will have children. By whatever means, I believe it will happen. Once that beautiful child is placed in my arms, I will have crossed that milestone. And things will never be the same again.

So while I wait with baited breath for that day to arrive, I try to remind myself to be patient. I don’t want to look back at my life and feel I rushed from event to event, without enjoying the journey I traveled to get there.

You will come to know that what appears today to be a sacrifice will prove instead to be the greatest investment that you will ever make.
-Gordon B Hinkley

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Waiting for Dessert...

This is a beautiful, beautiful story written by Christine Dallimore at We Are All Mothers. Some days, it's only imagining that dessert, meant specifically for us, that keeps me going.

"Imagine yourself dressed up in your finest clothes. You and your sweet husband are attending a dinner together in one of the nicest restaurants in town. You both have planned, waited and saved for this evening. To say the least, you are very excited! You and your husband arrive and the atmosphere is more than you expected. Everyone around you is having a good time. The chandeliers are sparkling, candles are glowing and sweet soft music is playing in the background. To your pleasant surprise you see others there you know. You are seated with them and in your heart you think there just couldn't be anything better!

The table is just exquisite. Breathtaking really. The people at your table begin to talk to you in jolly conversation. You glance at the menu and you don't even know where to begin! You look over everything slowly and carefully, especially the dessert menu! All of your life you have been hearing about this restaurant's marvellous and divine desserts. Deep in your heart, you have been looking forward to enjoying dessert the most!

Everyone at your table orders their food. For dessert they all order chocolate cake. You think, "Hey that sounds perfect. I'll have chocolate cake too please." The waiter nods in approval and quickly swifts off to put in your order. In the meantime, you are still enjoying the surroundings, the music and the company. You grab your husband's hand and sigh "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."

The food comes and everything looks just pleasing. Some of the things you tasted you really love, some of the things you didn't. Either way, you know that dessert is on its way. That thought in and of itself is just exciting! Then you see him, your waiter! Your wonderful, blessed waiter with a silver tray full of plates of chocolate cake! He comes and starts handing out plates to those you know. You look at the cake and to put it simply, it looks just divine. You're even more excited now! The waiter comes to your side and then passes you and your husband. You are shocked and think there must be some mistake. you don't know what to do, but rather than make a fuss you think, "Just wait, I will get my chocolate cake soon too."

Those that have their dessert are going on and on about how amazing the taste is. You smile, you are truly happy for them. Deep down you are anxious and their feelings only feed your curiosity and desire. Then you see the waiter again and think, "Ahhh, here he is." You notice that he starts handing out seconds and thirds to those that have already had their piece of cake. Your husband doesn't notice, he's busy chatting with the fellow next to him! Deep down though you get a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. You know something is wrong, something is very, very wrong.

You ask the waiter, "Excuse me please. Where is my chocolate cake that I ordered"? The waiter just replies, "The baker has said that you must wait." He rushes off and not another word is said. Time goes on. You still enjoy the surroundings, the people and the conversations. All the while though, you can't get chocolate cake out of your mind. Time keeps creeping by and soon your husband notices too, "Where is our dessert?" You hold his hand and look into his loving eyes and think, "Even without chocolate cake, life is still good."

Time, however, creeps and it creeps. At moments it seems like it has even stopped. It's getting late and people are noticing you haven't received your dessert yet. Questions start arising and you just don't know how to respond. You look around other tables and notice that people are also getting their third, fourth and fifth servings of dessert. "Why" is all you have to lean upon.

You notice that others have ordered things for dessert besides chocolate cake. There is cherry pie, brownie ice cream sundaes, raspberry cheesecakes and such. They seem just as pleased, if not more pleased with their desserts and you wonder, "Should I order cherry pie too"? You talk to the waiter and he simply says, "I'm sorry ma'am, you just need to be patient and wait."

You are starting to burn inside. Despite all of your best efforts you are beginning to boil. You really want to jump on top of the table and stomp while shouting, "Where is my chocolate cake?" You don't though because you know that will get you no where! Instead you look around and notice that there are some that are refusing their chocolate cake. "It will make me fat" one says. "Ugh. I have enough already" another states. One woman, simply dumps her beautiful chocolate cake onto the floor.

As you look deeper around you, you notice there are a few others that are waiting too. Your heart goes out to them. You smile and wish there was something more you could do. You know their pain and it hurts. It really hurts.

Finally, the waiter comes and he has chocolate cake on that familiar beautiful silver platter...and he has enough for two. One for your husband and one for you! Your so elated with joy that you can't hardly stand it!!! You tell everyone at your table and they are just as happy for you. "We knew it would happen" they say. "You just needed to relax"! Little did they know that deep inside relaxing was the last thing you were feeling! You look at your husband. Tears are in both of your eyes. You carefully take a taste. It's such sweet, sweet perfection. You go to take another and just before you do the waiter comes and gently takes your plates away. "Something is wrong" he says. "Don't worry my dear, the time is soon."

There's confusion. Sadness. Anger. Above all though, you are just deeply and truly heartbroken. Heartbroken to the very core. You don't know what to do. You turn to others for support. They cry with you and too ask why. You take a deep breath and find the strength to go on. You have been given the promise that you will receive dessert. It is just not understood as to when. You decide to put your full trust in the baker. You reach far inside within yourself and find the effort to ask your husband to dance.

He looks at you and smiles..."Yes, I would love to dance with you my dear one." You both get up, leave the table and set off to dance.

As you are dancing, you get your bearings. You again begin to notice your surroundings. The beautiful surroundings that have so magically grabbed your attention in the first place. You remember the music, the sounds, the smell of the sweet flowers. You breathe. That's all you can do. You breathe and slowly begin to enjoy the moment again. Slowly, it all comes back to you. The things you love. Being with the person you love the most. The pains you have just felt are still there. Still vulnerable, but you feel life again. Yes, life is still good.

After quite a few dances, you both decide it's time to sit at your table. People still have their desserts and their chocolate cakes. Your space is still empty. You decide, however, to really focus on those around you. In doing so you find more joy. The desire for dessert is still there- but it's manageable. Time moves on.

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, your waiter appears. He has the biggest smile on his face. He is pleased to announce that you and your husband's dessert is finally here!! Your heart wells up with joy, but you're afraid too. You ask the waiter, "Will you take it away"? "No, this one was made especially for you." You smile back, hardly believing that this could be true or real. You look at it and it's not a dessert you have ever seen before. It's then that you realize that the baker has made a dessert with all of your favorite colors and flavors. Careful detail was lovingly taken into every consideration. "How did He know that this is exactly what I wanted"? The waiter just smiles and says, "Because he knows and loves you. If you look, you can see him there."

You look and at the door, through the little round window you see a gentle man with tears in his eyes. He is grinning from ear to ear and looking at you and your husband. You can't hardly see anymore because of all of the happy tears. You whisper a big "Thank You" and in your heart you feel that this simple phrase will never be enough.

You look at the people around you, they too have tears in their eyes. They too are smiling from ear to ear. Everything is so precious and tender now- even more so than when you first arrived here. It's then that you learn that the pains you have felt all along the way... the waiting, the crying, the agony....it's all been a special recipe to make this moment this much more wonderful and sacred.

In your soul you take a deep breath and slowly let out a big sigh of gratitude.

You grab your husband's hand and sigh again, "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."

Saturday, October 17, 2009

What is this strange feeling?

Could it be... hope???

Thursday I went back to acupuncture. Back, but to a new place. Instead of meeting with Tim, I searched out another advocate. I found "Dr. Oh".

Unlike Tim, Dr. Oh has had experience with patients dealing with infertility. Our first appointment went very well. Dr. Oh has put me on acupuncture every week, a strict regimen of four different herbs throughout my cycle, and orders to reduce stress (we'll see how that last one goes!). His methods have resulted in 4 successful pregnancies for his patients this year. The usual length of treatment before success is 2 1/2 to 3 months.

Now I know none of this is a guarantee that it could happen for me, but something else exciting happened yesterday. I had hope! I had nearly forgotten what that felt like.

In fact, the biggest part of this whole experience was that it happened at all. For the last couple years (since my unproductive surgery), I have felt hopeless... which slid into depression. Even last year, when I first tried TCM, I felt lost in my treatment and gave up.

So, after literally years of depression, the very fact that I have picked myself up, dusted myself off, and tried again speaks volumes.

Here we go again!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


I recently found a great resource for infertility and adoption information. This website includes a weekly radio show in which the topics are evenly divided between infertility treatments and adoption. I have listened to several past shows so far, and have learned a lot. She often interviews authors, REs, attorneys, etc about a variety of issues.

Creating a Family