What makes someone a woman? Is it her physical attributes? It is an innate caring and nurturing that you are born with? Or is it her ability to conceive and carry a child, thus proving her evolutionary purpose? If she is unable, is she not a woman?
I know I must not be the only person with infertility, wondering if they were really a woman. My body is not doing what it was designed to do. It is akin to a man back in the caveman days whose family is starving because he is unable to catch or gather food.
We are lucky that we live in a country in which I can do many things. I can educate myself, I can help clients make prudent financial decisions, I can commit to a marriage, I can teach children in Sunday School, I can be a good daughter, sister, friend, member of society. But, I can not be a mother. Without some sort-of medical or legal intervention, I can not have a child. It is hard not to feel like a failure under that circumstance.
Logically, I know that simply bearing a child does not make me a woman any more than wearing a loincloth and beating his chest would make Ryan a man. However, in those dark moments, when reason and common sense give way to bitterness and confusion, these are the feelings that can take residence inside a broken heart.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Yesterday, I had my surgery consultation with Dr. Synn. I was glad I didn't have to pay for the appointment because he basically went over everything he already told me: what the surgery involves, the risks, etc. However, I was surprised to learn that, once the surgery is over, we will keep going with fertility treatments immediately. For some reason I was thinking that we would "try" naturally for a few months. Not so. And, if I have endometriosis, time is of the essence because it starts growing back immediately, so we have to get right back on the treatments which means about $1200/cycle starting immediately. Here I was thinking that the surgery would be the only treatment/expense for a while but it turns out I was wrong. Ryan and I will need to sit down and have a money talk. But, all in all, it went well. The girls at his office will call my insurance to verify they will cover the surgery and then the hospital will call me to schedule the surgery. I should hear from someone in about 8 days.