I think one of the best feelings in the world is when you are holding and feeding a baby and you spend the entire time just looking at each other. I got to experience that on Monday when I took care of a 4 month old baby boy. It had been a long time since I had held a baby (years!), much less fed one. I’ve been trying to steer clear of them, for a number of reasons, but mainly because it felt like people with babies were always trying to force them on me. I didn’t like that. Also, I was afraid to hold them because of the feelings I knew would come… the sadness and longing.
This time, I was able to hold this baby boy because I wanted to, not because someone was trying to make me. It was just him and I rocking in my big recliner. The house was quiet. No one was there asking me questions or trying not to make it awkward. I didn’t have to put on a show. I just held him for a long time until he fell asleep.
I already miss that feeling. I can’t imagine how much stronger it must be when you are sharing it with your own child.