Sunday, September 12, 2010

Where Can I Turn for Peace?

I did not make it to church today. I was tormented about whether to go because I knew it's where I needed to be, but facing people today seemed too hard. I haven't been in public (or even left my home really) in 3 days.

Fortunately, as I was trying to decide what to do, God showed me a little mercy and the miscarriage began on its own.

I am grateful for that, as it seems I avoided a D&C (surgery where they basically scrape the uterus). A D&C is rough anyway, and because I am over-sensitive to anesthesia it would have been even tougher. Usually, a D&C is necessary for women who are further along in their pregnancy, but I had been warned that some women on Prometrium need to have them too, even if they lose the pregnancy early.

Because I was missing church, I tried to find some way to feel spiritual today. I was hoping it would help bring me some peace. I pulled out my copy of "Fertile in our Faith", an infertility book written from a LDS perspective. I read the whole book, reading the portion on pregnancy loss twice. I was looking for something (anything!) that could bring me comfort.

The pregnancy loss chapter focused on learning to 'release the hug'. It is said that when a child hugs you, never be the first one to release that hug; always hold on until the child lets go first.

In the book, the author relates this to pregnancy. Pregnancy is your opportunity to "hug" your child and, just as it is outside the womb, you should never be the first to let go. The author encourages the reader to enjoy pregnancy, savor those moments, and hold on to hope.

That is one thing I can say about my brief time in pregnancy, I hugged our baby. Although I was nervous and scared of losing the pregnancy, we still savored each moment we had in that state. We celebrated, gave prayers of gratitude, and spread that happiness to others around us who wanted it almost as much as we did. Not for one minute did I begrudge anything about that experience: the waiting it took to get there, the pregnancy symptoms I was having, the overwhelming feeling that life was going to change. I held onto our baby as hard and as tight as I could. It ended up not being enough, but I tried 100%.

The author goes onto say, if the time does come that your baby releases the hug, it is helpful to acknowledge the loss in a tangible way. This is true even for people like us, who lose their baby so early in the pregnancy. It was a relief to read this because I hadn't really given myself permission to do that. I felt silly, like our baby wasn't "real" enough yet to other people for us to grieve over.

There were suggestions in the book on how to acknowledge the loss. None of them seemed quite right for us, so I researched around a bit more and found something that felt good. This brought me some comfort.

One thing I have learned the last few days is how fleeting those moments of peace and comfort really are. Seems I mostly just try to make it from one peaceful moment to the next, without falling apart in between. But this morning I had the opportunity to feel comforted for quite some time, and for that I am grateful.


Where, when my aching grows,
Where, when I languish,
Where, in my need to know,
Where can I run?

Where is the quiet hand
to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.


Kacy said...

I'm praying for peace and comfort to come to your family. I'm so sorry for you loss.

Megan said...

just wanted to say my thoughts and prayers are with you and Ryan at this difficult time. Pregnancy and birth bring so many surprises and unfortunately not all are happy ones. I had a stillbirth and miscarriage myself and at times I too struggled to make sense of what happened and why. I too struggled to face the rest of the world becasue it felt like no one would understand what I was going though. I remember a week after the loss of my daughter, a great friend of mine sent me a postcard with Serinity Prayer on it. It really gave me hope and I'd like to share it with you today.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the differece.

It happened once and it will happen again. Don't stop believing sweeite. Thinking of you. We all are.


Just me said...


I'm so sorry for your loss. I've been there, and it just sucks. There are no other words for it.

All I can do is hope that when we are successful, some of the pain of these losses will ease with the love of our children.

Luna said...

That sounds like a great book. What a wonderful way to look at pregnancy. I think that would help so many women to see pregnancy as a hug, cuz it is! I am glad you are taking some time. It is important. And having a healthy grief process is SOOOO important. A loss is a loss no matter when or how; it hurts!

I have know women that plant gardens, light a candle on the edd every year, make a donation every year. And some have found finding others online through support networks has helped. I know one friend has found this one helpful

Patiently Waiting said...

I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through. Continue to hold on to your faith. As devastated as my husband and I were when we suffered a miscarriage, we also continued to remind ourselves that we acheived pregnancy. And we remained faithful that we would acheive again. Allow yourself however long you need to grieve...I will continue to pray for your healing heart and comfort for both of you.

Tami said...

Hugs. I missed some church after my miscarriage too...I think its normal. I understand what you mean about needing to grieve for your child. I felt exactly the same way. I went to a website and ordered a custom jewelry necklace with the words Angel, and Hope written on it. That necklace means a lot to me. I wear it sometimes when I am feeling sad and it helps me feel like I am not forgetting the baby we lost, and that there is still hope.
Hugs to you. Remember grieving is normal. It is a loss. Its the loss of a future...and that's a real thing.