Friday, July 25, 2008

Lost

They say that music is the soundtrack to our lives. Sometimes, I will hear a song and I am instantly transported to another time and place, whether it's a childhood memory, my wedding day, or the high school prom.

The same thing has happened over the last five years as I've dealt with infertility. Certain music can comfort me when it seems there is nothing else that will. Some songs are hopeful, some sad, some bitter, some spiritual and some have a touch of irony.

I have been known to listen to some songs over and over on my drive to work. Something about hearing the words several times helps to inoculate me for the day and buoys me up. Other times, a song will come on the radio and catch me off guard. Before I know it, I'm crying and, in that moment, it feels the singer is the only one in the world who knows how I feel. Most of the songs were not written about infertility but something in them, whether it's a particular verse, or the chorus, or even just the melody, causes me to pull that song into this part of my life.

Like any other life-changing event, my infertility has a soundtrack. So, over time, I hope to record the soundtrack on this blog, starting with "Lost".

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Michael Buble is known as a crooner, a modern day young Sinatra. Mostly he sings old school crooner-style songs (which I love): I Got the World on a String, That's All, How Sweet It Is, etc. He also has a couple "original" songs as well: Home, Everything, and Lost.

One lonely morning, I was downloading some Michael Buble songs and I saw the song "Lost". I had never heard it before but I thought, why not? I've pretty much liked everything else he's done. So I added that to my list and burned all my songs onto a CD.

This was back when Ryan and I were carpooling, so I left to go pick him up. I popped the CD into my stereo and it just so happened that Lost was the first song.

As I listened to the words, tears began streaming down my face. I don't know why, but I felt comforted. Infertility is very lonely. There's nothing anyone can do about it, it just is. As I heard the words, "You are not alone, I am there with you", I really felt peaceful, like someone heard me, someone understands, and someone cares. And I'm not lost.

It sounds ridiculous, I'm sure, even to me. But someone was there with me that morning. I don't know if it was a spiritual thing, or what. Maybe the strong part of me was talking to my weaker part, like my head was talking to my heart? I don't know. All I know is, in that moment, that song spoke to me and I didn't feel as alone.

Lost

Can't believe it's over
I watched the whole thing fall
And I never saw the writing that was on the wall
If I only knew
Days were slipping past
That the good things never last
That you were crying

Summer turned to winter
And the snow it turned to rain
And the rain turned into tears upon your face
I hardly recognized the girl you are today
And god I hope it's not too late
It's not too late

'Cause you are not alone
I'm always there with you
And we'll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
When your world's crashing down
And you can't bear to fall
I said, babe, you're not lost

Life can show no mercy
It can tear your soul apart
It can make you feel like you've gone crazy
But you're not
Things have seem to changed
There's one thing that's still the same
In my heart you have remained
And we can fly, fly, fly away

'Cause you are not alone
And I am there with you
And we'll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
When the world's crashing down
And you cannot bear to crawl
I said, baby, you're not lost



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3 comments:

Amy Nielson said...

Hey Michelle - I hope you don't mind me reading your blog too. I am a great "blog stalker" and found you through others. :) You have such a wonderful way with putting your feelings down. You inspire me. Reading your blog takes me back to our struggle with infertility and I remember a lot of the same feelings you are having. Your struggle has definitely been longer than ours and I pray that you are blessed very soon.
Amy

ss said...

It's been awhile since I checked on you (seems funny to say that, seeing how I see you almost every day, but I get to see such a different part of you here).

I'm happy that you've posted this item discussing how music can speak to your unique situation, regardless of the original meaning of the song. I've always felt deeply touched by music - there are even a few songs that start me sobbing with just the opening notes - and felt a similar experience with this song. This was the first Buble song I ever happened upon and I can't hear it (or read the words apparently) without crying. It is one of the songs I turn to when I just need to cry. It never fails to open the floodgate of emotion that surrounded what I considered at the time to be the complete destruction of my life. But, as the song says, we are not alone and it helped me see that I would survive to see brighter days.

I have never experienced a struggle like yours. I've never felt this want, desire, need to have something that continues to elude me. Loss comes in many forms, however, and (oftentimes) there is nothing that anyone can say to provide comfort. It seems strange then that, sitting alone in the car (one of the most isolated worlds in which we place ourselves), we find comfort and companionship through a song.

As we've recently discussed, sometimes the best way to handle someone else's struggle is to acknowledge it and move on. I (being a bit emotionally closed off myself) am all too comfortable with this tactic. I do want you to know, however, that I am here with you. Have fun this weekend..but, remember you are there to LEARN somthing... ;-))

Wes and Dani said...

This song is excellent. It describes the feelings I have often. The other day I was jogging when the Josh Groban song, "You are Loved" came on my ipod. The first sentence? "Don't give up...it's just the weight of the worlds."

Boy...I know how that feels....

All the best,
Dani

FAITH IN GOD MEANS HAVING FAITH IN HIS TIMING.