Baby Belly at 30 Weeks

Quite a long way I've come from not wanting to take any 'belly shots', huh? Somewhere along the line I realized... Who knows what infertility has in store for me after Katelyn comes. This may be the only time I'll be pregnant like this and, although it has had its ups and downs, I never want to forget what it looked like. I never want to forget how beautiful it was.

So I asked Ryan to take a picture for me. It was out of my comfort zone for sure, but I decided not to care. I put on one of his white dress shirts, rolled up the sleeves, grabbed a flower and he snapped the photo. It was the perfect time to do it... no stretch marks (yet...), my innie belly button is still "in" (not for long!), I feel pretty good.

I want to remember this forever. For many years I wondered if I would ever be pregnant. Many times I was convinced I never would be. And here we are. In less than ten minutes, my hubby permanently captured this time in our lives. And in such a beautiful way. I love him for that.

200 Days

The 200 best days of my life!

Last Friday marked 28 weeks of pregnancy, and today is Day 200.

80 days to go!

I can’t believe how wonderful the last 200 days have been. Yes, there have been tears, fears and heartache, but the joy has been immeasurable. Daily, I have moments when I stop and think, “Oh my gosh, I can’t believe I am finally going to be a mom.” I still have worries I will wake up and this will all be some sort of crazy dream. I can’t believe this is my life!

Last night, Ryan and I went to a breastfeeding education class. It was very informative and we were both glad we went. What absolutely shocked me (and Ryan) was how MISERABLE most of the women acted. Most were further along than me by about a month, but I have never seen so many women grunting, groaning, sighing, asking their husbands to rub their back, etc etc. At one point, it was all I could do not to stand on my chair and scream, “What are you moaning about??? Don’t you know you are among the most blessed women in the world? Women who are about to become mothers! Do you know how many women would give anything to be you right now?” Frustrating!

I am so grateful for the perspective I have on this whole experience. I have had my little bumps in the road during pregnancy, but overall I have been unimaginably blessed and I wouldn’t change a thing. Every time I am asked how I’m feeling (a daily occurrence), I am able to respond with an enthusiastic and sincere, “Great!” The inquirer usually shoots me a skeptical look or asks, “Really?” I just smile.

Life is a miracle and I get to carry my miracle around with me everywhere I go. Doesn’t get much better than that!

Day 200:

Another Day, Another Appointment

The doctor’s appointments are coming fast and furious now… I am getting on the “every other week” cycle. Ryan was able to come with me today, which was so nice. I rewarded him with lunch and a movie date afterward!

Everything still looks great. My uterus is measuring fine and… great news! No Gestational Diabetes! I was relieved. I didn’t ask what my number was, but Nurse R said all my numbers look ‘very, very good… excellent’, so I just let that be. This will be the last blood test before childbirth, which was nice to hear.

One downer at the appointment? I gained 2 pounds too much this month. Nurse R attributed that to the holiday and the weather… too much salt and water retention. Even so, I guess I should watch it before it gets out of control. Katelyn just makes me want salty foods and sweet/sour treats! At least I am still in the “normal” range for weight gain, albeit on the higher side of normal (19 lbs gained thus far). Anyway, I’m going to try harder to be better.

Lastly, we scheduled our next 3D ultrasound. Just a few more weeks. :)

Sweet Moments and Exciting Adventures

Ryan and I snapped this picture on a recent trip to our temple. I am about 26 weeks along here. I love this man more than anything. He does so much for me and I am beyond blessed to have him. He's pretty dang handsome too...


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On Sunday, I was spending the afternoon resting and watching Food Network. Ryan was asleep next to me on the couch. In fact, everyone in our house was asleep... Ryan, Cosmo and Bella. I was the only one awake, but that seems to be standard lately.

I take it back. Katelyn was awake too. In fact she was kicking so hard, I lifted up my shirt to watch. About that time, Cosmo woke up from his nap and wondered over to me. One thing you should know about Cosmo, he's not much of a cuddler. He cuddles with you on his own terms, and it's not too often. Well, that day he wanted to cuddle. In fact, he wanted to rest his head on my lap and place his paw right on my big ol' belly. Katelyn gave it a few good kicks, but that didn't fase him a bit.

About an hour later, Bella joined him on my lap. Now I had all three babies resting on (or inside) my belly. Very warm, but very sweet too.

It's been neat to see both my kitties cuddle up with my belly lately, even that one time when Katelyn kicked Bella right in the head. Bella's look of confusion was simply priceless. :)

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The fabric for Katelyn's room should arrive tomorrow! Woot woot!

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I have had horrible heartburn, but I've been tolerating it. What I couldn't tolerate was waking up with my nose and mouth full of stomach acid. I would literally breathe it into my lungs. Nothing was working (not even sleeping sitting up!). Luckily, several friends suggested a Zantec before bed. I have tried that and it has helped immensely.

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I never thought I was the kind-of girl to *ever* paint her little girl's room pink. Pink??? Bleck! Well, this week we bought the paint for Katelyn's room...

Any guesses what color we got??? :P

Never say never!

Ryan's already painted it too (except for a small area to finish up). What a wonderful daddy he is!

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I always thought that "pregnancy brain" was just an excuse for pregnant women to get attention or be inconsiderate. While I am not convinced that it is literally an illness ;), I will say I have been *very* distracted lately and have done some crazy things. This has included sitting at a stop sign for well over a minute or two, waiting for the "light" to turn green, completely mixing up client situations at work, nearly missing important meetings and events because I "forgot", etc. It's been hard to think about anything but my darling little girl!

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Today I went for my Gestational Diabetes blood test. I don't have the results yet, but I am still giddy that I actually had to go and do it. That means I am far enough along in my pregnancy for that type of testing. What a wonderful place to be! Now I just hope I pass!

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I felt Katelyn's get the hiccups! I think this was my first time feeling that happen. :) I never knew hiccups could be so cute...

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If there is one thing to be said about my pregnancy, it has been eventful! I have been very blessed, avoiding any real complications and for that I am so grateful. But as for the "little things", there have been one after another! Not all are necessarily related to my pregnancy, but they are all happening in the last several months.

The latest was a kitchen fiasco. Here is some background... I am *horrible* in the kitchen. I mean, I bake well and cook decently, but I am beyond clumsy. Burns, cuts, messes, you name it. So, I finally bought myself some nice kitchen knives. Because Ryan knows me all too well, he cautioned me to be careful and not cut myself. As I was chopping green onions, I was rejoicing in how easily this new, sharp knife sliced through my large stack of onions. I guess I stopped paying attention to where my thumb was and whoops! I lost my thumbprint. As in the pad of my thumb. Sliced clean off.

After giving me a long lecture about paying attention when I am using a knife, Mr. Crime Scene Investigator snapped these pics "for posterity". My goodness, I've learned my lesson about paying attention!

Apparently, the skin should all 'regenerate' itself over time and Ryan said even my thumbprint will return...

Disclaimer: Some people find these pics pretty gross, so don't scroll down if you are easily disgusted. I think they are funny.


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So that's the update around here! Life simply doesn't get better than this. :)

Thankful for my Wiggler

I am so thankful to have such an active baby. I never have the chance to worry about her, because I feel her all the time. There have been so many times I have thought, “I haven’t felt Katelyn move in a while” and within a minute I am feeling her again. I felt her early (14 weeks) and I feel her often. Barely an hour goes by that I don’t feel her. Despite becoming a quiet “ball baby” during every ultrasound, she is the last thing I feel when I go to sleep, and she kicks me good morning when I wake up. Morning, noon and night she is moving. God must have known I would need constant reassurance, and His tender mercy was to give me a wiggler. And I am so thankful.

A Back-tastrophe!

A couple of weeks ago, I started to develop a pain. It was in the lower part of my back, right around the waistline, not on my spine but to the left. Each day, it hurt worse than the last. I asked around about a masseuse and a few people recommended their chiropractor.

Then, quite quickly, it became so much worse. With each step I took, an excruciating pain would seize up in that spot, almost to the point of being stuck in whatever position I was currently in. In fact, there were several times I was stuck. Ryan would have to come and help me and, when he wasn’t there, I would have to find some way to crawl myself out of it. My record was a full three minutes trying to stand up from the toilet. Funny now, not so funny then!

It got to the point that I simply couldn’t do anything. If I dropped something, I couldn’t pick it up. I had a hard time getting into bed. I couldn’t sit, lay down or stand comfortably. And forget walking! That was the worst! My left leg, ankle and foot swelled up severely and nothing I did made it better.

I called the masseuse. She told me it was my hip separating and stretching and that the pain would only get worse as I got bigger. Only get worse??? Any worse and I would be completely incapacitated!

I went to the chiropractor. I cried through the entire appointment as he also blamed my hip and told me it would get worse over time. He gave me several remedies to help. I tried them all and just when I thought it couldn’t hurt any worse, it got worse.

I asked for advice and received a lot of, “Sorry, this is common in pregnancy… not much you can do! P.S. It’s going to get worse!” Ahhh! This was beyond confusing because I see pregnant women every day, and most of them aren’t gasping in pain with every step…

Last Tuesday, the pain was unbelievable. Tears fell from my eyes with every step I took. I was at my wits end. It goes without saying that I would endure *anything* for the chance at motherhood, and that thought was never far from my mind. I consistently comforted myself with the knowledge that Katelyn was lounging away inside my belly with no clue what was going on. That gave me so much strength, because physically and mentally I was struggling. I had never been in that much consistent physical pain in my life and the urging of everyone to ‘get used to it’ was driving me insane.

Only Ryan knew how serious this really was (especially Tuesday night when I called him in so much pain, home alone, and practically unable to move). At one point, I tried to get into bed and found myself planted face-first into the pillow, with no way to get myself out of that position. This was NOT normal. Or at least it wasn’t how I was going to spend my last 3 months of pregnancy.

Finally, I threw out all the advice, tried to forget all the negative feedback, and went with my gut. I asked Ryan to give me a blessing and I decided I was going to try to fix it on my own terms. I rested. I worked through the pain until I found a way to sit and I sat there. I stopped all the suggestions (ice, heat, yoga, massage, certain stretches, etc) and just rested. I got up to use the restroom and that was it. I did this for a day or so.

Then, I continued to rest, but started including a little light walking. As the days went on, I started to improve. My guess is I had a pinched nerve and the muscles around it were swollen and inflamed. Perhaps everything I was trying before made the problem worse. As of now, I only feel the clench in my back about 15 times a day, the feeling isn’t nearly as severe, and it’s getting better each day. I am so grateful!

And guess what? Now that my 'real' problem has calmed down, I am feeling what everyone told me was ‘normal’. I do have pain in my hips and lower back area, and at times it can hurt pretty good. Sometimes the pain spasms up and sometimes it’s a dull ache. I am feeling all those things people told me my ‘back-tastrope’ was, and I bet those aches and pains WILL get worse as I get bigger. But what I was feeling the last 2 weeks was NOT that. It was different. I feel vindicated.

So if this returns, I now know what I need… rest. And confidence. The confidence to rely on my gut and do what it tells me to do. The confidence to keep a positive attitude and believe that things will get better (despite hearing multiple times that it won’t). I am so grateful for what I’ve learned through this, and most of all I am grateful that little Katelyn never even knew it happened. ;)

P.S. I am giving my back another week of rest. Then I plan to re-institute stretching, yoga, etc to help this not occur again – if I can help it!

The First Time I Saw Your Face

Yesterday, we had our first 3D ultrasound. At just over 24 weeks, Katelyn's still a little small for the 3D, super skinny and still developing. We decided to go for it anyway!

True to form, she curled in a tight ball and hid her face the whole time with her cute little hands. This girl must be camera shy. You would never know this is one of the most active babies around, kicking, punching and dancing almost hourly.

Even with the shyness, we still loved seeing a sneak peak at our baby girl. And speaking of girl, we did receive further confirmation that she is a girl. Not a rock solid confirmation though... the only time Katelyn's hands left her face was to cover herself up when we focused on that area. What a stinker. :)

Next 3D is in about 6 weeks.


She was curled in a ball with her hands by her face the whole time. Even so, she was beautiful. What a wonderful experience seeing her for the first time!

Hands in her mouth :) My little sweetheart.

For reference sake, our baby girl now weighs 1lb 7oz and was measuring 4 days behind (nothing to be concerned about though - babies hardly ever measure their exact day this far along). Everything looked perfect.

So Hard

I think Katelyn likes music. She starts moving and kicking when I play it most times. So either she likes it or she’s trying to tell me to turn that racket off! I’m going to go with the idea that she likes it.

I have been trying to play a variety of different music when I am driving in the car, just to see what she responds to. I know there is probably not much to this, but it’s been fun to do anyway. A few days back, a song came on that I typically skip out of habit. I had skipped it all throughout our struggle with infertility, but for some reason I never actually took it off my iPod. When it came on this time though, I didn’t skip it.

It felt like a given
Something a woman's born to do
A natural ambition
To see a reflection of me and you

And I'd feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn't give
And could you be happy
If life wasn't how we pictured it

And sometimes I just want to wait it out
To prove everybody wrong
And I need your help to move on
Cause you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
So hard

As soon as this song started, Katelyn began to move and kick. Nothing more than a coincidence I’m sure, but it hit me really strong. Something about hearing those words and feeling my baby kick was very overwhelming. It was one of ‘those’ moments.

Our time through infertility was SO hard. Not as hard as others' trials, but the longest and hardest trial I have ever faced. And although I am pregnant now, I still feel it there. Even when I hold my baby in 4 short months, it will still be there. It will always be there. Duller, easier and much more manageable, but still there.

I can live for the moment
When all these clouds open up for me to see
And show me a vision
Of you and me swimming peacefully

I am constantly amazed by my fellow infertility warriors, especially those who continue to support me throughout the pregnancy. I know how hard that can be because I’ve been there. I am blown away by your supportive comments on here and on Facebook. It is stunning. It touches me so deeply and no matter what words I try to use to express how I feel, they aren’t enough.

Sometimes life is SO hard. But the reward at the end is so very sweet. Praying we all get our sweet reward soon.

24 Weeks

This month of pregnancy went by a bit faster than in months back, which was a welcome change. Still I am living my life in weeks, trying to keep anxiety at bay, and enjoying every minute I can.

We've made it to 24 weeks! It hasn't escaped my notice that many professionals consider this the 'age of viability', meaning greater than half of the babies born at this point will survive. As exciting as it is to make it to this point, Katelyn is under strict orders to stay in there and keep cooking for a long time!

Heartburn is a daily occurrence now. Maybe I am growing Katelyn some hair, but we'll see about that. ;) My biggest struggle has been my lower back, which has progressed from a backache (which was managed by stretches and rest) to being flat-out out of alignment (as in I can't even stand up on my own). I am looking into options to help.

Other than that, things could not be better. Katelyn's heartbeat has continued to be normal and I am so grateful. I still cry on nearly a daily basis because I can not believe that this is my life. It comes on suddenly without warning. An extra strong kick, or just looking down at my growing belly, can set it off.

As for food (something always on the top of my mind) I have gotten full-on into cooking again. Things I have been craving are MEAT, chips, sour candy and milk chocolate. It is amazing how much I want meat now. What happened to the girl who didn't eat meat??? I am definitely channeling the Phoebe character from "Friends" during her pregnancy. I fought it for a while, but I have just given up and given in.

There have been many exciting moments this month... my awesome doctor's appointment, seeing the furniture arrive, seeing my feet swell... but the best moment by far was the evening of June 5th. That is when Ryan felt Katelyn kick for the very first time. I had been feeling her since week 14, but she always stopped performing whenever there was a hand on my belly (even mine!). Finally, that night, she was really going to town. I grabbed Ryan's hand and put it on my belly. Within a couple seconds, she kicked him right in the hand. Ryan just looked at me. He didn't say much, but I know it was a very special moment for him, for both of us, and I'll never forget it.

At 24 weeks:

Last Week’s Appointment

I am really behind in my blogging. Everything has been so busy… work, home, church. But I need to document last week’s doctor’s appointment, as it was really special to me. Because I waited so long to write about it, I have lost some of the specifics, but I still smile when I think about how wonderful I felt after that appointment.

I met with Nurse R this time. Basically, everything is “perfect” with both Katelyn and I. In fact, she must have used the word “perfect” about 20 times.

We listened to Katelyn's heartbeat. It sounded beautiful. No skipped beats to be heard.

We reviewed last month’s ultrasound. Katelyn’s growth is perfect. The placenta is placed nicely. The blood flow in and out of the uterus was great. All of my screening produced really low ratios (1/5000 for Down’s; 1/10,000 for the other syndromes tested). My blood work is phenomenal (Nurse R said the results were beautiful for a woman in general, and even more so for a pregnant woman).

Everything about how my body is handling pregnancy is perfect. Perfect blood pressure (it’s been 120/60 the last 3 appointments), weight gain (12 pounds at 23 weeks), measurements (belly measures right on track – 3 cm over belly button), etc. She said if you were to write a textbook, it could be based on this pregnancy (even with my heart rate scares and aura headaches).

It is not that I am a pessimistic person, but getting pregnant was so difficult, I just assumed I would have a difficult pregnancy too. I am amazed and indescribably blessed that things have gone so well. I know that many other women do not get the same great news at their OB appointments. My heart breaks for them, and I am just feeling very, very grateful.

Update on my auras / seizures: I went ahead with the EEG and all results look normal. I am almost afraid to say it as I don’t want to jinx myself, but I haven’t had an episode in over two weeks now. Dr M said 1/3 of all women get worse as pregnancy progresses, 1/3 get better and 1/3 stay the same. Is it possible I could be part of the 1/3 who get better??? I am hopeful!

From Baby Steps to Giant Leaps of Faith

Well, my 1 week deadline passed and I still did not clean out the nursery closet (previously used for storage). However, I am happy to report that is on the agenda for this weekend.

Even though I missed my deadline, I have been making progress. Big progress. Giant leaps of faith.

Within a 2 day time period this week, we purchased nearly every expensive item Katelyn will want/need when she gets here… this includes furniture, breast pump, swing, stroller, car seat, pack n play… you name it. All that I have left to buy are a couple of larger items (high chair, another car seat base, etc) and the rest of the smaller stuff (boppy, bath supplies, clothing, etc).

If that isn’t enough, last night we took the swing out of the package, put it together, and *threw away the box*. (If that’s not faith, I don’t know what is. :)) Ryan seemed curious why I insisted on doing that at 9 ‘o clock at night, but I just needed to. I needed put it together and watch it work. I needed it all to feel real.



So all of these packages and deliveries are coming to our home and it is quickly filling up with baby paraphernalia. Cosmo and Bella are wondering what is going on, and getting used to a litterbox housed in the laundry room. Changes are happening and I am, obviously unable to let my guard down entirely, but feeling a bit more comfortable.

One of the highlights of those two days was walking out of Babies R Us with a receipt in my hand after purchasing the furniture. I had fallen in love with this set months ago, but it was hard to come by. The crib had a hard time staying in stock, especially once they released a coupon for $300 off the set. Finally, I just started calling asking if one was in. As soon as one was, I dropped everything, headed in there and bought it, along with the 2 dressers. With the coupon (and additional monies off), I got a great deal and it should be in next weekend.

Of course, my bedding will be different, but here it is:

Sometimes in life, you just have to take that leap, even if it might feel scary. I am working on it!

A Special Moment

I had a special moment today...

For the past 5 months, I've taught the 4-year-old children at church. Today was my last day. As we were doing 'singing time', the little girl next to me leaned over and rested her head on my arm. She then placed her hand on my belly and rubbed it a little and asked,

"What is that? Is this your baby?"

"Yes, I have a baby in there."

"Is it a boy or a girl?"

"It's a little girl."

"My mommy showed me a picture of your baby on the computer...
(An ultrasound picture off Facebook, most likely)
She is so pretty."

That moment was just so sweet and tender, I wanted to remember it forever. For a woman who wondered for years if I would ever have a child, words can't say how touching that moment was.

I'm a Work in Progress

Early this morning, I read a blog post from my friend, Sarah. She was talking about her “spare room” and the longing she has to turn it into a nursery. Her words really resonated with me. I, too, have a spare room. It started about 7 years ago when I insisted we rent a 2 bedroom apartment, so we would have room for a baby. When we bought our house nearly 5 years ago, it had 3 bedrooms. We made one our bedroom, one a music room and threw everything else we didn’t know what to do with into the 3rd bedroom. We even called it the “3rd bedroom”.

As the years went by, I began to wonder if it would always be just the “3rd bedroom”. Part of me wanted to change it into something else, but the other part couldn’t bear to do it. So it just sat.

When I became pregnant this time around, I told Ryan I was going to jump in right away and get to work on that room. But I haven’t. Because there is so much to buy, I thought I would start making purchases immediately. But I haven’t. I am 5 ½ months pregnant and I haven’t even begun to clean out the bedroom closet. I’ve bought one thing for the nursery (the baby monitor). That’s it. I’ve had the time and energy to do it. But I haven’t.

I kept giving myself deadlines… I’ll start cleaning when the morning sickness is better. I’ll buy something with my next paycheck. When I find out the gender. When I confirm the gender. When Ryan and I have days off together. New deadlines I never meet.

Why is that? I am beyond excited. What is my problem then? After reading Sarah’s post today I realized… I’m scared. For so long I wondered if I would ever have a baby’s room. I stopped imagining what it would look like. I stopped thinking how I’d decorate it. I pushed it out of my mind and pretended that room didn’t exist.

Now that the time is here when I can finally create my child’s bedroom, I feel intimidated. Scared. Unrealistically afraid that in doing so, I will ‘jinx’ myself. If I let myself be too excited and carefree, it will hurt more if all of this is taken away. Every item I buy and every decoration I make would be one more reminder of what we’ve lost if we were to lose her.

I am starting to wonder if I need some help in dealing with these emotions. It’s like I have a mild form of PTSD or something. I have to make a concerted effort not to visualize the bad things that could happen. I won’t go into detail, but I would like this to get better.

Just writing it out has been helpful, as jumbled as this blog post may be. I think I need to face my anxiety, have some faith and jump in with both feet. It is a disservice to those 7 years of infertility, and all the other women still waiting, if I don’t enjoy this to the fullest. And my daughter deserves a mom who isn’t paralyzed by fear.

I took a big step and chose the colors for the room, and I have some ideas of what I’d like to do. My next goal is to clean out the closet within one week. Baby steps…

Room Colors

After weeks of searching, I think I have found the fabric I want to use for Katelyn's room. I don't think it is possible to express how big of a deal it is that I finally made a decision. I don't plan to have a "theme" so much; just fabric prints and colors I love, kind of eclectic, where every item is something special chosen just for her.

Our crib and dresser are dark espresso-stained wood. My mom offered to make the crib blanket out of the chosen fabrics. We're planning on a neutral wall color and drapes, with touches of color around the room. Some of the special things we are planning are: refinish and distress Ryan's childhood rocking chair and rocking horse, homemade decor for the walls, a special 'vintage' looking handmade doll, and other little odds and ends picked out by mom.

I am not a decorator. Not even close. I'm not artistic or very creative. Even so, this is something I really want to do for my little girl. I want this to be my gift to her, which is why I agonize over every little decision (while still loving every minute of it). I have no idea how this all will turn out, but at least we'll have fun in the process!

In the meantime, here is my starting point, the fabrics I have chosen for the room:
They don't look quite the same on the computer as they do in person, but it gives the idea.


(I haven't actually ordered these yet. As I was just about to order, I hesitated and decided to wait until after our next ultrasound, just to have a secondary confirmation that this is Katelyn growing in my belly. I've had another couple dreams about having a little boy, and I just want to be as sure as possible before pulling out the debit card. ;) I feel pretty confident this is her, I'm just being a bit cautious. Aren't I always???)

Just Relax

I absolutely *hated* this phrase when we were struggling with infertility. It is blaming, condescending, demoralizing, not to mention not factually based and no help at all!

But now I am telling myself these 2 words because in this instance they will actually do me some good.

I am taking a deep breath and trusting my baby to grow as she should, and trusting my body to help her do that.

I woke up this morning and listened to Katelyn's heartbeat. In true Carter-fashion, her heart was beating perfectly, just in time for our doctor's appointment. The little stinker. ;) It was a relief to hear it sounding so nice, but now I wondered how this appointment would go.

Of course, a couple hours later, it continued to beat beautifully as the Nurse G took a listen.

Just in case, Nurse G also took a peak with the ultrasound machine. She was surprised as Katelyn’s heart instantly came into view, a perfectly clear picture of all four chambers. Nurse G remarked that she hardly ever saw the four chambers of the heart so clearly on their ratty old machine. But there they were, beating and pumping away with a textbook rhythmic motion.

I asked Nurse G to listen to a recording of what Katelyn’s heart sounded like on Tuesday, with the missing beats. She did, but told me she couldn’t diagnose or give me much feedback on it. She said Katelyn must have been moving and that’s why I was losing heartbeats. I remain highly skeptical because I have heard the difference between losing heartbeats from movement and what I was hearing this time... but, I digress.

The next step in this process would be a fetal echo cardiogram. This would be done at Children’s Hospital. She asked if I wanted to take this next step. I told her not at this time. Instead, I’m going to “just relax”. And here’s why:

• If a problem was discovered, they would not do anything while in utero. They would wait until Katelyn was born and then assess the issues at that time, if there were any. In other words, “There is nothing they can do for her now".
  
  
• I will have several more check-ups and ultrasounds prior to delivery. As Katelyn grows, we could see any potential issues much more clearly. There isn’t any reason to think an irregular heartbeat will hurt her growth or delay her in any way at this point.
  
  
• In another month or so, she will be too big to flip around in my uterus as much as she is now. Thus, if the heartbeat is still skipping, it could no longer be dismissed as “losing the heartbeat due to movement”.
  
  
• In her ultrasound today, she was punching both hands and kicking both feet. Nurse G said that indicates she has good circulation to all her extremities and the blood is flowing well. If one side was limp, it would hint at a problem.
  
  
• From what I’ve read on the internet (which we all know is the best place to get factual information – haha), most all of these cases resolve themselves on their own, with no explanation for the irregularity. There is no reason to think this will be any different.
  
  
• Katelyn is an incredibly active baby. According to Nurse G, that is the number one indicator that the baby is healthy and thriving. It would be more productive to count kicks and monitor activity daily than to listen to the rate of her heartbeat.
  
  
• The biggest reason I’ve decided to “just relax”? On Tuesday night, my husband gave me a priesthood blessing that has brought me a lot of comfort and peace. I am ready to try and let it go.

As I have said from the beginning, I am not closed off to the idea that it could be machine error or Katelyn’s movement causing her heart to sound differently. I may have my own gut feelings, but I am the first to admit I have a lot of fear and anxiety, just like any new mom, especially because of the long road we've traveled to get here.

So for now, I am concentrating on those beautiful little baby kicks, and I am putting the doppler away. I am so blessed in so many ways… and I am thankful for an active baby who will nudge her mama periodically and tell her to “just relax”.

Appleseed’s Due Date

In September 2010 we lost our little Appleseed, our first pregnancy. At some point, during the bliss of the positive pregnancy results, I had googled my due date. I knew it wasn’t ‘official’ until the doctor confirmed it, so I didn’t pay much attention to the specific date other than to note it was right near Mother’s Day.

How perfect, I thought. After 7 years of waiting (exactly), I find out we’re expecting on our anniversary with a due date near Mother’s Day. Life couldn’t be better.

A week or so later, the world came crashing down, and that date I googled became a distant memory.

On Mother’s Day, I thought about our Appleseed. I wondered what that day would have been like if he or she had made it. Would I have a brand new baby? Or would I be waddling along, praying for labor to begin?

There were a few friends and a couple acquaintances that became pregnant at the same time I did. Over the past couple of weeks, I have seen their birth announcements, new baby pictures, etc. I think about our Appleseed and it makes me sad and wistful. He or she would have been here by now too, right? I wasn’t sure.

I didn’t want to know Appleseed’s due date prior to that day. I can’t explain why. But as I watched my last friend give birth to her May baby, I figured it was time. Last night, I again googled my due date: May 12th, last Thursday.

I am so grateful to have Katelyn at this time in my life. She does not replace our Appleseed, just like she doesn’t take away the pain of losing Andie. I love all my babies. But it is such a comfort to have Katelyn with me, to touch my belly and know that one of my babies is still here and, Lord willing, I will be able to mother her in person in only 4 more months.

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Update on Katelyn's heartbeat: It is still skipping beats, although sometimes more frequently than others. I was able to get an appointment with Nurse G tomorrow morning.

Katelyn's Heartbeat

I guess I didn't find the cause of Katelyn's irregular heartbeat after all. It has returned. Bummer. :( Just as Dr. M instructed, I called and asked to come in. Again, I got the run around. It is so frustrating to have a wonderful doctor who tells you to contact him, and then deal with his staff who makes that almost impossible.

So most of today has consisted of waiting. Watching for the phone to ring and waiting...

20 Weeks - Half-way there

My 20 week mark was a bit of an adventure.

The night before I hit 20 weeks, I listened to Katelyn's heartbeat with my home doppler for the first time in about a week. I noticed it sounded like her heart was periodically skipping a beat. I thought it was because she was moving around so much and maybe I was hearing it wrong.

The next morning, I listened again, and she was definitely skipping beats. Other times it seemed the beats were too close together or her heart rate got a little bit faster then slower.

I read online that heart arrhythmias happen to a small percentage of babies, and rarely indicates a serious problem, but I still felt a bit nervous. I did what Dr. M always told me to do if there were any changes or I felt concerned, I called his office.

A couple hours later, his assistant returned my call. Dr. M was out of the office that day. She tried to tell me I’m not really hearing a missing heartbeat, that my machine is just malfunctioning. (Well, I’m sorry, but I have the exact same machine you use.) She said that maybe I am just hearing my own heartbeat, or that I’m just not hearing it right. (I’m not an idiot. I’ve been listening to my baby’s heartbeat for almost 3 months now. I know when it’s different. It’s one thing to tell me an irregular heartbeat is not a problem; I was expecting to hear that. But don’t try to dismiss what I know I am hearing.)

Then she says they can’t see me until next Friday. So I ask her, “Just *assume* my baby’s heartbeat is irregular, is that something to be concerned about?” and she says it is, because it can indicate a problem. So why not believe me then and check it out sooner??? Honestly, I expected them to call and say don’t worry about it. I did not expect them to not believe me. Ryan is the last person in the world to overreact about something or make a big deal and the minute he heard Katelyn's heartbeat he said, “That’s not right”. He still wasn’t super concerned, but even he knew right away it was different.

She said she'd try to find an earlier appointment for me and would call me back. I cried for about an hour. It's an awful feeling to believe something might be wrong, but have no one believe you.

Luckily, Dr. M called me back instead of his assistant. I didn't hear the call, so he left me a voicemail. He said that abnormal heartbeats usually appear around mid-20 weeks of your pregnancy, and since I’m only 20 weeks, that’s why they were thinking it might be the machine. But he said he trusts what I hear, so if I am feeling really worried about it, he wanted me to go to Labor and Delivery and have them check it out since he was out of the office on family business. Otherwise, I should call Monday morning and they’ll get me in Monday or Tuesday. It was just nice to hear someone validate what I *knew* I was hearing (and Ryan heard, and my mom heard - via a phone call…).

I did not go to L&D. Instead, I did some research. I saw a few explanations regarding why Katelyn's heartbeat would be irregular. One was dehydration and another was caffeine. I drank a caffeinated soda the day before because I was having one of my migraines. Although I had done that before without any ill effects, I still I wondered about it. Just in case, I began drinking a ton of water.

I also found an interesting study... it linked cocoa butter to fetal heart arrhythmias. While there was some debate on the topic, there were conclusive findings that the use of this product caused some babies to have an irregular heartbeat, most likely due to the absorption of caffeine through the skin. Another group of doctors found that simply having the cocoa butter product on your skin can cause false doppler readings, making the heartbeat appear to be irregular. All very interesting.

After my ultrasound the previous Thursday (where Katelyn's heartbeat was regular and normal), I began using cocoa butter all over my mid-section. I had been using it for a week when I listened to her heartbeat again and found it irregular. I am very sensitive to caffeine. Could it be that my little girl is the same way?

I immediately washed the cocoa butter off my skin and continued flushing my system with water. Within 12 hours, her heartbeat sounded a bit better. 24 hours later, there were no more skipped heartbeats, but it still wasn't quite normal. As of tonight, she seems to be back on schedule.

I know that this incident could have been caused by anything. It could have been a fluke or maybe the nurse was right and my machine was acting up. As much as I hate to think something I was doing was causing the arrhythmia, I still can't help wondering if the caffeine had something to do with it. Regardless, I am relieved that she seems to be doing better. And the cocoa butter is put away for good.

Somewhere in the midst of all this chaos, Ryan snapped a 20 week pic. I know I fought the idea of doing regular 'belly pics' at first, but I have to admit, I am loving watching this belly grow each month.



And a few new things about pregnancy... My body feels like an old woman's if I get up after sitting too long, it's hard to stand on my right leg because of a weird tendon that is constantly feels 'pulled', Katelyn is doing less popcorn movements and more kicks, my feet swelled up for the first time, I am tired but have a feeling I will never sleep through the night again, and I am loving it all.

A Message

After a comment and a couple emails, I have something I need to say...

I apologize if my pregnancy posts hurts anyone in any way. That thought torments me with every picture I post or pregnancy tidbit I share. In real life, on Facebook, and here. I have posted, deleted, re-posted and edited the heck out of each one, trying to make it okay. Some people find hope in what I write, but other people don't. Either way, I have to record this journey. I recorded the years and years of heartache and disappointment... every harsh detail. The purpose of this blog was to write my story to share with my children someday (see my sidebar: "Purpose of this blog"). That has to include the miracle that has found its way into our life.

I wish for all women who desire children to have their dreams to come true. For several years, I watched friend after friend (in real life and blog-friends) with infertility finally realize their dream, while I kept waiting. I did not begrudge them. Seeing their pregnancies hurt though, and I fully recognize that feeling. I hate to make anyone feel sadness or pain.

Reading through my posts since the pregnancy, one can see that infertility is still with me, still part of my every day existence. I have not forgotten where I once was, and I never will. Although with this blessing there is a huge guilt that follows me, I know that I will continue to support, love and lift up those who are struggling. And in the end, that's all I can do.

If you are no longer able to read my blog, that is okay. There are no hard feelings. My hope is that you can find those places which are most supportive and helpful to you, and if I'm not one of them anymore, I completely understand. Just know you are always in my thoughts and prayers. I have a huge amount of love for you and compassion for the trial that you bear right now.

Beanie has a Name!

On May 5, 2000, my high school sweetheart anxiously waited for me to get home from work. I was a server at the local Mimi's Cafe and my shift ended quite late. When I got home to my parents' house, he was waiting for me. Still in my uniform, he guided me up a ladder and onto the roof, where he soon proposed.

On May 5, 2011, I held the hand of that same sweetheart as we walked into the perinatologist's office for our second trimester ultrasound. That day would be the day when we learned the identity of our first child... the child we wanted for a very long time... our miracle baby.

Boy or girl? Jack or Katelyn? Who would be joining us in September?

The ultrasound tech was cautious to make a declaration. She wanted to be really sure. Soon she mentioned she thought she knew, and she told us. A huge smile spread across both our faces. The tech kept looking and soon confirmed it again. Finally, she stated, "If it were me, I'd paint the nursery." She seemed pretty convinced.

As we all know, ultrasounds are not 100% accurate. We will be looking to our 3D ultrasound in about a month to confirm. In the meantime, we are over the moon and can not wait to meet this baby...


GIRL!

Katelyn Marie Carter

Her name is very special. We have known our first daughter's name for over a decade now. My mother's name is Kathy. My mother, sister and I all have the middle name Lyn (or Lynn). Ryan's mother's middle name is Marie and his grandma Nanny's middle name is Marie as well. Lots of women are represented in our daughter's name.

We loved watching our little girl on the big ultrasound screen. Here are some highlights...

We call her our little "ball baby". She likes to be curled up in a tiny ball. In several of the pics, her knees are practically touching her nose! The tech said she’s going to like to be swaddled. I am glad she is snuggled in tight.

What a wonderful day that was! And what exciting news. But we kept the secret until Mother's Day. I didn't get to tell my parents we were pregnant in the way I had planned, so I settled for an in-person reveal of baby's gender.

I bought a pink picture frame that read, "It's a Girl!", placed an ultrasound picture inside and wrapped it up. After church on Sunday, we went to my parents' house. On the way, we called Ryan's mom, step-mom and grandma and told them about Katelyn. When we got to my parents', most of my family was there waiting. My mom unwrapped the picture frame and delightful chaos ensued.

After 7 Mother's Days full of heartache and tears, what a wonderful memory has been added now. This will be the day we told our family about Katelyn.

I still struggle to find another word for grateful, as that one is just not good enough...