Friday, September 10, 2010

Wake me up when September ends...

If September 1st was one of the best days of my life, September 9th was one of the worst.

The day started out normal, well as normal as possible when you are walking on a cloud. I was at the lab as soon as they opened to give blood for my second beta test. Afterwards, I came home, did a little laundry and got ready for the day. I told Ryan that morning, there was nothing in my life I could possibly complain about. It was such a weird feeling, that I was completely content, that those 7 years were completely worth it. For the first time in years and years, I felt completely happy.

He had the day off too, and we headed out for a lunch date. I kept glancing at my phone, waiting for the phone call from the doctor's office. After lunch and a little browsing around River Park, we decided to venture into Babies-R-Us for the first time. We were originally going to wait to go in there until we had seen the heartbeat, but I wanted to get my mind off the impending phone call. So we decided to go for it.

Although I had been there before to pick-up gift cards, I had never been further than the cashier up front. As we walked in, we passed the registers and headed towards the back of the store.

I can't explain the awful feeling that came over me. It felt like a feeling of dread or foreboding. I instantly felt like I didn't belong there. I couldn't breathe. Ryan followed me as I looped around the store and headed right back into the parking lot. That is where I started to cry.

I just figured it was because of the infertility. Perhaps after 7 years, I just couldn't imagine that I could really be in a store like that. I felt like I couldn't be one of those happy pregnant women or new moms browsing through the isles; it just couldn't happen for me.

Now I think that God was trying to tell me something.

We headed home and I still hadn't heard from the doctor's office. At 2pm sharp I called. The nurse stated they couldn't find my results and she would call me back. I waited and waited. I started to feel like something was wrong.

At 3:30pm I called again. The girl put me on hold for several agonizing minutes. Finally, she came back and said the nurse practitioner had taken my file home with her, and was going to call me directly about it. My voice started to shake as I asked if everything was okay. She said she wasn't sure, but she would text her right away and tell her to call me.

The next hour was the longest hour of my life. Finally, at 4:30pm, the phone rang. My hands shook as I answered the phone and picked up a pen to write down my results.

I don't remember much about the conversation. I remember her saying she was sorry over and over. I remember shaking and crying. I remember her telling me the baby stopped growing and my numbers went from 147 to 34. I remember writing those numbers down and staring at them. I remember looking at Ryan and watching him stare at the ceiling and rub his eyes. I vaguely remember her telling me what would eventually happen next, none of it sounding pretty.

Since that time, I have been a roller coaster of emotions. I bawl, I get pissed, I cry and I've even laughed a few times. I'm a total crazy person. And completely devastated.

The angry times are the worst. They scare me. I feel like my entire body could explode. I even declared out loud that God hated me, even though when I said it I knew full well it was untrue. And in the next breath, I am thanking Him for giving us such a wonderful blessing, even if it was just for a moment. I feel like a mess.

The last 24 hours have been spent just waiting. Feeling my stomach clench and cramp and waiting for the ax to fall; not looking forward to seeing the evidence of this nightmare, whenever it decides to arrive.

I used to spend time imagining how wonderful it would be to finally be pregnant. Now I know, and it was unlike anything I could ever imagine. I was the happiest I had ever been. I remember driving to work one morning thinking that after years and years, I was starting to feel like myself again. The real me. The 'me' that infertility stole. Now I look in the mirror and she's gone again. I want her back.

I miss the tiny appleseed that once brought joy to so many people. I wanted to see him or her grow and thrive. I wanted to hold this baby in my arms someday. I have to come to terms that this will never happen now. Even though I know it's crazy, I feel like I failed.

In my good moments though, I still have faith. I have faith to try again, and when that waivers I borrow Ryan's, because he has even more than I do. He is my rock.

Somehow, I'll get through this day, this week, this month. I look forward to October. A new season, a new start, a new hope.

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

summer has come and passed
the innocence can never last
wake me up when september ends


Dandle Dreams said...

I am so sorry. What a horrible shock. Such a tragedy that you only had one day of happiness with your little jellybean.

RMCarter said...

Thanks. I actually had a week. It was wonderful. :) I was exactly 5 weeks along when we got that call.

annoyed army wife said...

I'm so sorry for your lose. I can't imagine what you and your husband are going through. You are in my prayers.

Kristen said...

There are no words. I'm so very sorry and you and your family are in my prayers.

Stephanie said...

Your emotions are all normal after going through what you went through. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything better for you.

Sharon said...

Michelle and Ryan,
Our thoughts are with you. I know there is nothing I can say to ease the pain, even though I so wish I could. But hold tight to anything you believe in, even the simplest thing. We are praying for you, as always.
Love Sharon (& John).

teridiane said...

Oh Michelle, my eyes are filled with tears after reading this. My heart aches for you. I wish there was something I could say or do to take away that pain but I know there's not. Just know that it's okay to feel every one of those emotions that you are feeling. There are a lot of people who care for you and are praying for you and I hope that gives you some sort of comfort. Hang in there.

Mrs. Lydon said...

I am so sorry that you had to experience that sadness. I just started reading "Baby Catcher", it is about a midwife and the journeys she went through, at one point she too excperiences the loss of a baby and her son encourages her to keep trying if that is what her heart desires because that baby is now her "spirit baby" floating in a circle above her, and that baby gets "cuts" so it doesnt have to wait its turn for next time. Now you have a spirit baby who will cut the line and make it back to you someday. I thought It was a beautiful thought and wanted to share the thought with you. My heart goes out to you and your DH. You'and your "spirit baby" will be in my prayers.

Tami said...

What happened to you is very similar to what happened to me as far as feeling like you were told beforehand. I told my husband a week before our next appointment that the baby was dead and I knew it. I am glad that God prepared me before the AWFUL ultrasound. My heart goes out to you, and you aren't crazy...this has been the hardest time of my life getting over losing my will take time...tears...pain...but God will heal the wound just like every other time. Hugs to you, don't forget I'm just an email away!!!

Wes and Dani said...

The "foreboding" feeling must be a mothers' instinct. With my first miscarriage I felt from day one that something felt "off...." (not that I knew what I was supposed to be feeling--I was so glad to be pregnant!).

With the second pregnancy I felt a lot more calm...until the day that we picked out names. When we did that I had a horrible feeling come over me and I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. My husband thought it was because I was just hormonal--and I chalked it up to that too....but two weeks later we found out the baby had stopped growing, and I think something inside of me knew that that day we chose our baby's future name.

Michelle, I hope you and Ryan are getting through this. DH and I both had our moments of cursing God and asking "why us?" It's normal and it's good for you to not keep it bottled up.

You WILL go through each stage of grief and that is okay--embrace it, don't fight it. Although right now it's impossible to imagine that you could ever be happy again or that you will ever move past this horrible time in your life (these are literally the worst days of your life) you WILL!!!

From a fellow LDS sister and someone who has been through this (twice) I can only say this: Pray often, and as hard as it is, PRAY OUT LOUD! Also, go to the temple.

No one understands until they miscarry themselves that losing a baby at 5 weeks along is no less devastating than losing a baby at 35 weeks along. A baby is a baby and once it's growing inside of you there is a bond there that cannot be undone. You already want that baby more than life itself.

I always wonder if we will ever be able to conceive and carry a child to term, but I am coming to grips with the reality that my experiences of life inside of me may always be brief ones and that motherhood may not be in my future (perhaps through adoption)? It's devastating, but in hindsight I still am so thankful (regardless of how horrible both my miscarriages felt) that I had the opportunity to experience at least that small portion of pure blissful motherhood before it all came crashing down.

I hope your glimpse at motherhood will not make you shy away from it all--but will give you a taste of something to look forward to again in the future. Your time will come! Your moment will come!!! It will all work out in the end because you've been promised that it will.

And don't forget what sweet words Joseph F. Smith offered us: "Everywhere in nature we are taught the lessons of patience and waiting. We want things a long time before we get them, and the fact that we wanted them a long time makes them all the more precious when they come."

Sorry, this was a novel...but I just wish I could give you a hug and tell you it will all be okay!!! I have been thinking about you all the time today and I really hope you are coping (or that you will eventually find a way to cope).


Richard and McKenna said...

My heart hurts for you. Having had 3 early miscarriages myself before having my little boy, I can relate to some of the feelings I am sure you are experiencing. I am so incredibly sorry you have to go through this. I pray so hard that you will be able to have a healthy pregnancy in the very near future. Know that Heavenly Father loves you more than you can comprehend and can give you peace and comfort that you can't find any where else. Turn to him at every moment and he will give you the peace you need to get through this. ::cyber hug::

Malachi and Layne said...

Today my husband came into the room where we keep the computer ...I was bawling!! My heart breaks for you in this tragic time. I know exactly how you feel! I know the Hope, relife, excitment, and the devistation and hurt...The only hope I can share with you is somthing someone told me, at least now you know you can get pregnant. That is somthing to celebrate!

Laura said...

I have been reading your blog for a few weeks now. Thought I'd say hi. I feel a small little connection with you now that I know that September 9th is a bad day in both of our history. I had my 3rd miscarriage on sept 9th of 2008. I'm am so sorry that you had to go through so much pain after already trying for so long. But, I am happy for you in your current pregnancy and journey toward being a mother! Hope wins out in the end!