I have a personal, strict rule about this blog: No going back and reading entries. Why? Because it is monumentally depressing! Starting treatment, stopping treatment, plans that never came to be: why torture myself by reliving all of that?
I have started and stopped so many plans it can make my head spin. Many times, money was the contributing factor. If money were no object, my guess is I would have continued from one step to the next when I started this whole infertility testing/treatment process back in 2004.
But money aside, I still have jumped ship during times I could have kept going. Why? If it is something I want so badly, why am I having difficulty sticking with a particular protocol?
After much thought, I think I know the answer, or at least a portion of the answer. Although I know I will have a family someday, I have no idea where this family will come from. Will it be through foster care, adoption, fertility treatments, or just a surprise on its own? Will it be because I used acupuncture, relaxation, a fertility supplement, or just “forgot about it”?
Every time I start working on one area, the fear comes over me that maybe I am supposed to be doing something else. If I try to just relax and live my life, I fear I am wasting time. I’m not getting any younger. When I try a natural infertility technique, I wonder if I should be spending my time and energy pursuing foster care instead. It’s a never-ending cycle. I can never win!
And all of this is to achieve something that is basically unknown: The pursuit of a baby. My baby. This illusive gift that I know will be wonderful and worth every minute of heartache.
But, really, who is this person? Boy or girl? A blondie like me, a brunette like hubby, or a different ethnicity entirely? Have they already been born and are making their way into our home, or will I carry them for nine months?
If I knew these answers, I could choose a path, and you would not be able to detour me from it. But with all the unknowns, I wander without answers, and jump from plan to plan, just waiting for inspiration…
Oh, how music can say things I can’t. I love this song because it speaks so true to how I am feeling, and is so upbeat in the process. You can’t listen to this song and not feel happy. I may falter, but I’ll never give up. And when I meet my baby, I’ll know. :) Someday, SOMEDAY, I’ll find the right path and I’ll get there.
I'm not surprised,
Not everything lasts,
I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track.
Talk myself in,
I talk myself out,
I get all worked up,
Then I let myself down,
I tried so very hard not to lose it;
I came up with a million excuses,
I thought I thought of every possibility.
I might have to wait,
I’ll never give up,
I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck,
Wherever you are,
Whenever it's right,
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life.
And I know that it will be so amazing,
And being in your life is gonna change me,
And now I can see every possibility.
And someday I know it'll all turn out,
And I'll work to work it out,
And promise you kid, I'll give so much more than I get,
I just haven't met you yet.
Listen to the song: