Tuesday, March 30, 2010

I just haven't met you yet!

I have a personal, strict rule about this blog: No going back and reading entries. Why? Because it is monumentally depressing! Starting treatment, stopping treatment, plans that never came to be: why torture myself by reliving all of that?

I have started and stopped so many plans it can make my head spin. Many times, money was the contributing factor. If money were no object, my guess is I would have continued from one step to the next when I started this whole infertility testing/treatment process back in 2004.

But money aside, I still have jumped ship during times I could have kept going. Why? If it is something I want so badly, why am I having difficulty sticking with a particular protocol?

After much thought, I think I know the answer, or at least a portion of the answer. Although I know I will have a family someday, I have no idea where this family will come from. Will it be through foster care, adoption, fertility treatments, or just a surprise on its own? Will it be because I used acupuncture, relaxation, a fertility supplement, or just “forgot about it”?

Every time I start working on one area, the fear comes over me that maybe I am supposed to be doing something else. If I try to just relax and live my life, I fear I am wasting time. I’m not getting any younger. When I try a natural infertility technique, I wonder if I should be spending my time and energy pursuing foster care instead. It’s a never-ending cycle. I can never win!

And all of this is to achieve something that is basically unknown: The pursuit of a baby. My baby. This illusive gift that I know will be wonderful and worth every minute of heartache.

But, really, who is this person? Boy or girl? A blondie like me, a brunette like hubby, or a different ethnicity entirely? Have they already been born and are making their way into our home, or will I carry them for nine months?

If I knew these answers, I could choose a path, and you would not be able to detour me from it. But with all the unknowns, I wander without answers, and jump from plan to plan, just waiting for inspiration…

Oh, how music can say things I can’t. I love this song because it speaks so true to how I am feeling, and is so upbeat in the process. You can’t listen to this song and not feel happy. I may falter, but I’ll never give up. And when I meet my baby, I’ll know. :) Someday, SOMEDAY, I’ll find the right path and I’ll get there.

I'm not surprised,
Not everything lasts,
I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track.
Talk myself in,
I talk myself out,
I get all worked up,
Then I let myself down,

I tried so very hard not to lose it;
I came up with a million excuses,
I thought I thought of every possibility.

I might have to wait,
I’ll never give up,
I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck,
Wherever you are,
Whenever it's right,
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life.

And I know that it will be so amazing,
And being in your life is gonna change me,
And now I can see every possibility.

And someday I know it'll all turn out,
And I'll work to work it out,
And promise you kid, I'll give so much more than I get,
I just haven't met you yet.

Listen to the song:


Rachelle Palmer said...

i've heard this song a million times... i've never heard it like this!!!! crazy! i love it! thanks this post made my day!!!

Amy Nielson said...

LOVE that song. I can't wait to meet your child. He or she is going to be one lucky & loved kid!! :)

Luna said...

Yo are right... that song does make you happy!

But I wanted to comment on your statement "I fear I am wasting time." You Should NEVER feel that way. You are ALWAYS making yourself better and better. You are constantly amazing everyone around you. Sometimes the paths in our life are just a bit longer than we expect, want or plan. But it is NEVER a waste of time.

Maybe you haven't me them yet because THEY aren't ready.

I am not sure why that sentence hit me so hard, bu tit did.

Shan said...

Thanks for posting this Michelle. I love this song and now I love it more. If I steel it and put it on my blog I promise to give you credit. You don't know how many times I have felt just like you. I feel like I want to give up or take a break or "just forget about it." but I worry that that is not what I should be doing right now. I wonder if I should be exploring other options and that gets me going in a whole mew direction. Thanks for posting this...I still don't know what is going to happen or how it is going to happen, but knowing I am not alone is comforting. Love you.