Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Am I the Only One?

In the posting Lost , I explained my motivation to document the music that has comforted me over the past five years as I've dealt with infertility. This is another song in my collection.


About 5 years ago, my friend Amy invited me to a Dixie Chicks concert. I only knew one song (Wide Open Spaces), but who am I to turn down a chance to hear live music? So, I went.

The concert was great and I enjoyed many of their songs. I downloaded a few of their CDs and listened to them, in the car mainly.

One day, I remember driving and listening to the Dixie Chicks. It was the first day after yet another cycle had ended with the same disappointing result. The song, Am I the Only One came on and I began to listen to the words.

Every word in this song rings of emotions I have felt throughout this process.

I will sometimes throw this song on when I'm feeling bitter and angry, and it feels good just to hear out loud the words I am feeling inside.

So many times, I have allowed myself to hope, only to be disappointed. What a fool I was. Infertility has wrung me and strung me and I don't recognize the person I've become. It has, in reality, hung years on my face. There are days when I feel I can truly fake only one more smile. It can be suffocating. I find myself begging God for some kind of sign that shows me I'm not as alone as I feel.

This song also speaks to the anger I feel watching friends cope with this same trial. My heart hurts for them and my imperfect, mortal side feels bitter and inconsolable for their heartache. If there are so many of us facing this trial, why do we still feel so alone and desolate? What is it about infertility that isolates you from everyone, even people who are struggling too?

Most of my "infertility" songs are hopeful and soothing, but there are a few that comfort in a different way. They allow the unresolved and unreasonable girl inside me to ring out for a moment or two.

This is one of those songs:

There Is No Good Reason
I Should Have To Be So Alone
I'm Smothered By This Emptiness
Lord I Wish I Was Made Of Stone
Like I Fool I Lent My Soul To Love
And It Paid Me Back In Change
God Help Me
Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?

A Heart That's Worn And Weathered
Would Know Better Than To Fight
But I Wore Mine Like A Weapon
Played Out Love Like A Crime
And It Wrung Me Out And Strung Me Out
And It Hung Years On My Face
God Help Me
Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?

Now My Sense Of Humor Needs A Break

I See A Shadow In The Mirror
And She's Laughin' Through Her Tears
One More Smile's All I Can Fake

There Is A Wound Inside Me
And It's Bleeding Like A Flood
There's Times When I See A Light Ahead
Hope Is Not Enough
As Another Night Surrounds Me
And It Pounds Me Like A Wave
God Help Me
Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?

God Help Me
Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?

For all the music postings click here .

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