Tuesday, September 21, 2010

True Happiness

This morning I was talking with my mom on the phone. Out of the blue she asked, “Are you happy?”

I was surprised by her question, and responded, “Me? You’re asking me if I’m happy?” It just seemed like a random question, out of nowhere.

In a flash, I thought about all the wonderful things I have in my life… An awesome husband, caring family, great friends, the comfort of religion, the cutest kitties around, a nice home, a good job, and the list goes on.

But am I happy? I answered her with a yes. But there is a caveat…

I am happy, but now I know how happy I could be, which makes my current state hard to bear.

After 7 long, agonizing years, I experienced one week of blissful happiness. Suddenly, all that was taken away.

The blessing is that I can finally say I know true happiness. The curse is how much I want it back.

17 comments:

Gurlee said...

Aww, I am so sorry for your loss. I hope that you can get to that blissful state again, very soon.
It sounds like you have a full, wonderful life. It is so important to realize the blessings we already have.
Good luck on your journey!!
-ICLW

Christine Dallimore said...

No, No, No- Oh Michelle- I am so very sorry. I had no idea what was going on until today. Every loss is different, everyone copes differently but I'm sure I can relate to a lot of how you feel. In fact just reading through some of your recent posts, I was saying, "Yep, that feeling or idea sounds very familiar." That followed by tears of sadness that you are currently experiencing this. Seriously. What you are going through is oh. so. very. hard. My point is, if you ever need to chat (or even vent) please feel free to email me. You WILL get your dessert one day...I just KNOW it. Until then, embrace the days you had with your sweet little one. I do believe with all of my heart that you will have him or her again. Know that you are loved. That HUGE prayers are being said on you and your hubby's behalf here in little ol' Idaho!! {{HUGS}}

chrisylee12@hotmail.com

Browniris said...

Stopping by from ICLW...

I am so sorry about your loss and the pain that you must be feeling. Also, I love that scripture from Mosiah that you shared. It has brought me comfort many times in the past.

Michele said...

so true... so very true.

hugs...

Jen said...

Sounds like we have similar stories, I married my high school sweetheart and tossed the birth control after 3 years. We are approaching our 7 year anniversary and I never would have thought we'd be childless. I've been thinking a lot about what it will be like to be married for 10 years and still not have grown our family. I imagine its just like being married for 7 years and still only a family of two. I often wonder what others think when they ask how long we've been married and then ask if we have kids. Not that it matters what they think but I still feel judged.

elliespen said...

It's true. After our second miscarriage a sweet, well-meaning friend (who didn't know it was our second) told me, "Well, at least now you know you CAN get pregnant." I thanked her and then went home and cried and cried because while, yes, now we knew that was possible, what I didn't know was if it was possible for me to keep a pregnancy. And besides, I didn't want to view this loss as some kind of scientific experiment.

I have been praying extra hard for the two of you, even though we've never met, because my husband and I remember just how hard it was and is. The best advice I got was to let myself grieve; that it was okay to hurt and that I didn't need to be "okay with it." We are told so often that trials make us stronger and can be blessings in disguise, and so we sometimes tend to feel like we're not being righteous or faithful enough if we don't immediately bounce back after trials and bear testimony of how grateful we are to be strengthened in this way. Because the truth is, it's not something you get over. The memory of this child will always be with you, but the pain does eventually--not fade, but evolve, I guess, into something that you can live with, that is part of who you are but no longer defines each moment and breath of your life. I am glad that you can still recognize happiness in your life, and I have faith that one day you will get your true happiness back again. And until that time, I know that you will have the love and support of Christ every moment that you need it (which, let's face it, is all of them), and that He will always be looking out for you. And, for what it's worth, you also have prayers and good thoughts heading your way from Provo, UT.

b35 said...

i understand your loss, for i have been there myself. it seems so cruel to experience such joy and then have it taken away so suddenly. and no one even really knows about it.

i also just have to say that i just love the picture of you and your husband...it's just beautiful. :)

b

Crossed Fingers said...

I'm sorry to hear of your loss - I hope that the hope is still alive in your heart though.

Happy ICLW #115
http://lovelyladybump.blogspot.com/

JJ said...

I am so very sorry for your recent loss...and it is hard to define being happy when we are waiting for something our entire being desires. I am very hopeful your happiness is magnified in the very near future (Hugs)

ICLW

Kristin said...

I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. It is so hard to lose a much wanted and longed for baby, no matter how early. I hope and pray you have success soon and achieve your dream of parenthood.

~ICLW #18

Sup yo. said...

-hugs-

I can't imagine waiting that long only to lose something you've wanted for so long.

I've been TTC for six years, but have never achieved pregnancy.

I sincerely hope that you will get pregnant again (soon!) and that this little bean sticks.

KAM said...

I couldn't have said it better myself. I feel the same way. Hugs to you!

-ICLW

Di said...

So sorry to hear about your loss. Here from ICLW. I hope the next IUI gives you a sticky bean!

Bee Bee said...

I know that the losses we are grieving are different, but there is something that I have that has brought be a ton of comfort and I wanted to share it with you. My husband used to wear a tag on a chain around his neck that has a picture of the Liahona on it. I have worn it on and off since he passed away and it has always brougt me comfort but I never really understood why until a few months ago. I was doing some scripture study on the Liahona and I came by this scripture: Alma 37:45 "For just as surely as this director did bring our fathers, by following its course, to the promised land, shall the words of Christ, if we follow their course, carry us beyond this vale of sorrow into a far better land of promise." These words have brought me so much comfort. We have been given the promise of a far better land of promise if we just keep following the course our Heavenly Father has laid out for us. It isn't easy, but we will make it there.

Grace said...

what a beautiful post :) glad that you are in a happy place...

happy iclw :)

Shan said...

How right you are. I NEVER have been happier. I am happy, but not has happy as my week in pregnant bliss.

Sarah S said...

I am so sorry for you loss.

I notice that you have "Smile" by the Glee cast on your "Song of the Moment". That song has gotten me through some very tough times, it reminds me to have hope.

(((hugs)))

ICLW
#100

FAITH IN GOD MEANS HAVING FAITH IN HIS TIMING.