Thursday, September 16, 2010

Time Out

It’s been one week since I got that awful phone call. I can honestly say it’s been the longest week of my life.

We are blessed to have so many people who love and care for us. Many people have called, emailed, or left comments. I am so grateful. If there is one thing I can say, I don’t feel alone in all this. A lot of women do, so I am very blessed.

Some people have asked what they could do to help. I know if I was watching someone I love go through this, I would want to do something, find some way to cheer them up or help them forget.

Honestly, I think I need more time. I know it’s selfish, but I just want to crawl in a hole somewhere and hibernate for a while. That is what feels good right now. And all I want to do is something that feels good, anything that takes some of the pain away.

I know many, many women experience miscarriages. I’ve heard from a lot of you who have. I know some of you think I should just put on a brave face and jump back into life. Thank you for encouraging me to do so (including my hubby, who sweetly suggested a vacation). I look forward to the time I can. But every person is different, and this was devastating to me. I waited 7 years to see those 2 lines, got one week to live in paradise, and then had my entire world crash down. I need time. I wish I was stronger, but I want to be realistic about where I am now. And this is where I am.

7 comments:

Savannah said...

My friend often posts her personal poetry on FB and today she did one that made me think of you. Here is just a part of it:

"When you sit alone at night thinking about the pain try to remember the joy. Love might be the most powerful force on earth. Embrace the pain and the joy."

Okay, so she is talking about a breakup, but that is why I only posted this part. I don't know why, but I pictured you during your happy week walking around with a smile on your face and your hands on your belly. I know you grief is unbearable, and there is no way around it. You worked so hard and so long, its just not fair! But I just felt like these were some thoughts I needed to share with you. I hope they help.

Tami said...

You know I can relate. Its so weird sometimes to be on birth control now...people just want us to try again. I just can't...the loss is so great, I know that if it were to happen again so soon, I couldn't mentally handle it.
It will get better though. I can promise you that, at the very least. The pain will be less acute. All you can do is hang on through the grieving process sometimes.
Hugs!

Jana said...

Its ok to feel upset and its ok to want to hide. You don't need to be happy right now... as you said people are different, so grieve how you need to, in the time you need to! This is your life no anyone else's. This is your pain no anyone else's. I just wanted to share that with you!
Jana
somedaymine.blogspot.com

Sharon said...

I just wanted to encourage you to take all the time you need. Grief is such a deeply personal thing and healing can only take place in our own time and on our own terms. Also, quite apart from the heartbreaking emotions involved, you've been through a hugely draining physical process - so your emotions, body, mind and spirit all need time to recover. I think it's completely natural to need to 'hibernate' while this recovery takes place. So I just wanted to encourage you to follow your instincts and do whatever feels right for you. My feeling is that it's not about 'strength', just different ways of dealing with grief - and there's actually huge personal strength in your ability to be so honest about your emotions right now. Sorry, I don't mean to lecture you - I just think us girls are too hard on ourselves sometimes and I wanted to say that there's nothing at all selfish about looking after yourself in the way you need to at this time. We're praying for you, as always.
Take care,
Sharon.

Bee Bee said...

I think I may have said this once before, but I will say it again. Don't let anyone tell you how to grieve or how long to do it for. Grief is a very personal process and it is different for everyone, no matter what caused the grief. It is times like this that I wish I could just reach through the internet for one moment in time. If I could, I would give you no words, just a box of tissues and permission to cry as long and hard as you want.

the Barreness said...

You are strong. I am so sorry for the loss. You get to take all the time you need and make no appologies.

ICLW

Erin said...

You are not being selfish in the least bit. You have experienced a loss that most will never understand, one that is complicated and deep. I have not been in your shoes, but I do know that the only way to "get over" (and by get over, I don't mean forget about it and not feel the pain. I mean get to a place where you can accept and live with the loss) any kind of loss is to let yourself feel whatever it is you are feeling. Accept and acknowledge the anguish, grief, anger, sadness, confusion, and pain that comes every day. Our feelings are never "wrong," they are always valid. Your feelings are yours and you are entitled to them.
Another thing that I know is this: Only Christ heals. He is the source of all healing: body, mind, soul. He loves you MIchelle. He will heal you.
Take your time. Everyone experiences loss in a different way, on a different timeline. Please know that you are so loved, by family, friends, and most especially by our Father in Heaven, and our brother, Jesus Christ. My love and prayers are always with you.

FAITH IN GOD MEANS HAVING FAITH IN HIS TIMING.