Saturday, September 4, 2010

The Best Days of My Life

Like most people, I have those few days that I consider the best days of my life.

One would be the day I married my high school sweetheart, August 26, 2000. We were married in the evening, after what felt like a very long courtship (4 years). Most of the people we loved were there, and our families worked so hard to make it amazing. I'll never forget it.

Another great day was the day Ryan and I were sealed for all time and all eternity in the temple, September 1, 2001. My family and a few close friends were there and that day was amazing too.

Nine years later, I had another best day: September 1, 2010... the day we found out, after waiting so long, we were finally pregnant.

We were supposed to do a home pregnancy test on Thursday, September 2nd. As I mentioned in an earlier posting, Ryan had confiscated all my pregnancy tests to keep me from testing early. I was a good girl and didn't look for them.

On Wednesday night, I was relaxing at home after a pretty long day. Ryan arrived home from volunteering at our church's grape vineyard. I wasn't planning to, but the minute he walked through the door I blurted out, "Could we try to take a test?"

Logically, it was a dumb idea. Not only were we early, but I had already gone to the bathroom three times that night. Even if there were pregnancy hormones, they probably would have flushed away by then. It's best to test first thing in the morning. So imagine my surprise when Ryan immediately said yes.

He got the test from his secret hiding spot (which I could have easily found, by the way, haha) and sat next to me while I peed. Very romantic.

I set the test on the ground and we both stared at it. We watched the dark control line appear. In the test window, there was nothing.

Ryan was the first to say something, "Round three!", meaning we would start the treatments over again. I started telling him I was actually surprised by the result. After the spotting on Monday, I had become so tired, not just 'Prometrium' tired, but tired like I've never felt before. It was weird because here was a negative pregnancy test right in front of me, and I wasn't crying. I felt more confused than sad.

As I was rambling on, I looked down at the test again and said, "Wait! What is that?"

I held the test close to my face and I saw it. A faint line in the test window.

I don't remember much after that. At some point, I got off the toilet and began pacing around. There were a lot of tears, and a lot of trying to convince Ryan that the test was positive, even though the line was really light. I even looked up the directions on the internet.

For a tired and pregnant woman, I stayed up late that night, past 1am at least. I just couldn't sleep. I kept looking at the test, putting it down, and looking at it again. I probably would have fallen asleep holding it, but I was sane enough to realize how weird that would be. ;)

Just to be sure, Ryan went out and bought one of the digital pregnancy tests. The next morning, I woke up at 4am and took it. I crawled back in bed holding it and a few minutes later, by the light of my cell phone, I saw the most beautiful word ever written on a computerized pee stick:

(Ryan took this picture later that day. Oh, sweet kitties... life is gonna change... :D)

I called the doctor's office at 9:00 sharp. They sent me in for blood work. Ryan had to go to court that day, so I waited alone for the results. I shampooed the carpets to keep myself busy (which is a lot more tiring than it looks!). Finally, just before 2pm, they called with my number.

147! The nurse said they like to see anything over 50, so that number left me feeling pretty good.

The next steps are 2 more blood tests (Thursday, Sept 9th and Thursday, Sept 16th) and then we see the heartbeat (Monday, Sept 20th). I will feel so much better once I see that little heart beating.

I have read enough information to know that not all pregnancies make it to the end, but we are trying to remain optimistic and excited. I am just trying to enjoy the moment. This is my first confirmed pregnancy, and the whole experience is just surreal. It's embarrassing to admit, but I have literally pinched myself a couple times. I have this fear of waking up and it was all a dream.

We continue to pray that this pregnancy is the baby we will hold in our arms someday...

-------------------------------------

Why we told so soon:

When we first decided to start a family, I think we were like most people. We planned to keep our pregnancy a secret until after the first trimester. We had dreams of showing off ultrasound pics and announcing that in 6 more months, there would be a baby in our home.

Infertility changed all that. I had started this blog as a journal of our experience with the hopes that our future child would read it someday. Along with this, it was a place for friends and loved ones to keep track of our progress. It helped me avoid answering a million questions from everyone about where we were in the process. Writing was cathartic, but talking about it was sometimes painful.

Through the blog, I also found support from an awesome community of women who were experiencing much of the same things I was. In the first few years, Ryan wasn't as involved in the process (although he was very supportive), and it was nice to have people to relate to.

Fast-forward several years, and I am writing about our treatments on this blog. Most people in my personal life were are of what we were doing, some calculating the exact day we would test. Although they were respectful of me, I know they were wondering, asking questions of others, waiting for the news.

Quite quickly, it became very clear that we had two options, avoid people altogether and lie when asked directly about the results OR come clean and share our news openly. Although the chances for miscarriage are there (just like any other pregnant woman), we've decided to rejoice in this pregnancy and be optimistic that this is it for us, that this pregnancy will result in a baby in 8 months.

If not, than everyone will be along for the ride. Just like you have been a part of this process in the past, you will read about what awaits us in the future. We've accepted that gladly, because it is worth all the love and support we've experienced over these last 7 years.

The final reason we decided to tell was pretty personal. I have a pregnancy-radar that is unbelievable (as I'm sure most women who have experienced long-term infertility do). I went through 7 years of knowing that women were pregnant weeks or even months before they announced it. I am not faulting them for that! That is their personal decision and they have every right to decide when and how to tell (just like I do). But there was some pain in wondering what was coming and waiting to see if I was right. Let's face it, it is really hard to hide a pregnancy when you are excited and joyful about it. I don't care how good you think you are at hiding it, someone with my kind of radar can always tell. And I know I would be the same way if I tried to hide it. Those who carry infertility would be able to tell. And I didn't want to leave anyone wondering.

35 comments:

Savannah said...

CONGRATS!!!!!!! I'm so happy for you. I'm glad you aren't holding back any excitment. When were chosen to adopt, all people would say "What if she changes her mind." Yes, I realized she did, but it didn't stop me from fully enjoying the moment. I wish people hadn't tried to take that from us, I wish they would have celebrated with us. Be excited every single second. I am. :)

Brock said...

I am thrilled to say Congratulations. No matter what happens from here on out, I feel like a little piece of heaven has been restored. You give us all hope that patience,enduring, and long suffering, has an end. A beautiful rainbow of promise. I can't wait to see what comes next and I am honored that you let us all come along.
Erin

Logan and Amy said...

Michelle, I am so so so happy for the both of you! I am excited that you shared your wonderful news with us (I have to be honest and say I was checking your blog several times a day). I am so happy you are enjoying every moment of this. You are such an amazing person!! I can't wait to meet this baby in 8 months :) CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stephanie said...

How exciting!!! I am so happy for you and can't imagine the joy you felt when you saw the word "pregnant" pop up! Congratulations!!

Wes and Dani said...

Yay yay yay! Congratulations! You guys deserve this more than anyone I can think of! Can't wait to watch your pregnancy progress!!! :)

Jill said...

I'm sitting here with blurry tears in my eyes. To say I am happy for you just does not explain it. This is an answer to so many of our prayers, too. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.

finallyhismrs07 said...

I know that you don't know me but I came across your blog about a year ago and have been following it ever since! I just wanted to say congratulations! You have all my prayers for a wonderful, long, and healthy pregnancy! Congratulations again!

Shea said...

Dying Screaming and Tearing up for you! All the emotions. I am so so so so so so excited for you. I know all the fears that will come and overwhelm you...and freak you out. But cling to God and pray it through. Just know in this moment you are that babies mama and enjoy every second. Soak it up. Screaming!!!!

Bee Bee said...

I am so happy for you!!! It always brings tears of joy when I read that one of the women I have been following has finally succeeded in obtaining their dreams. I will keep a prayer in my heart for you that it will all work out. Keep enjoying the moment; you have earned it!

Luna said...

I AM SOOOOOOOOOO HAPPY FOR YOU GUYS! Ever since you post asking for advice I have been checking you blog several times a day. I just had a feeling THIS was the one. It just added up. yayayayayayayayay!

I just can't express how happy I am. Chris is wondering why am I am sitting here crying... I really am. I am so happy!

I wish I could reach through this screen and give you a hug and pat your belly. I think it is great you announced early... we are with you all the way! Now you get to post about every little symptom you have and we will eat it up! I am over the moon excited for you... which is a challenge since my name means moon.

HH9!

Sarah said...

Congratulations!! Your post made me cry!

Savannah said...

I had to come back and read this a second time. It has just made my day. I can't imagine your perm-a-grin compared to mine.

teridiane said...

I just commented on your facebook page, but I'm so excited that I have to make a comment here too!! I've been checking this blog since Thursday, knowing that was the end of your 2ww. I'm so happy you shared the results with everyone!! That first BFP is a feeling that can't be described. Saying that I am happy for you is a gigantic understatement! Can't wait to give you a big hug and tell you in person!! Congratulations!!!! You will continue to be in my prayers everyday! :)

Anna M said...

Michelle and Ryan,
All we can say is CONGRATULATIONS! And enjoy the ride where ever it may take you. We are completely happy for you both and can't wait to see what happens next. Take care of yourself and take lots of naps! I did nothing but sleep for the first three months. You won't believe how tired you will be. I know you'll savor every moment.
We Love you,
Anna, Ben and Katelynn

Tino Nonu said...

CONGRATULATIONS!! :) This is AWESOME!! Heavenly Father is so good all the time :) You & ur honey & baby will be in our prayers! :) Congratulations!!!

Wifey said...

I've been following your blog for awhile. I've been recently diagnosed with PCOS and your story and experiences are truly comforting and inspirational. You guys deserve all the happiness, excitement and joy that a pregnancy and a baby brings. Congratulations on officially becoming a mother!

Kristie said...

Michelle!! I am so ridiculously happy for you! I love love love the picture of the pregnancy test with the kitties in the background. You guys deserve all the best!! :-)
Kristie

Jennifer (and sometimes Jared) said...

You don't know me but I have been following your blog for a couple years after finding out that I wasn't able to have children after trying for a years. We found out 5 months later that we were pregnant (God had much bigger plans than what the doctor said!) I was SO nervous about the pregnancy, but my beautiful baby girl will be turning 6 months old on Thursday. I am SO happy for you!!! You will be in my prayers throughout this journey...enjoy every single second!!!

Tami said...

Yay!! Congrats and so excited for you!!! Get ready for tired. That was my biggest symptom...tired ALL the time! But so great, so happy for you and hope you have a wonderful healthy pregnancy!!! :D

Patiently Waiting said...

Congrats!! I've never commented before but I have been following your story and praying for your heart's desire for quite a while. It took us 3 1/2 years to get pregnant and we told everyone immediately too. God is so good! He gave you this gift...celebrate it to the fullest!! Looking forward to watching and reading as your pregnancy progresses! Congrats again!

Erin said...

Michelle, I am just so incredibly happy for you! Like pp, I've been checking your blog constantly since the advice post. The symptoms you described are exactly how I felt with my pregnancies, and I have been hoping and praying they were actually pregnancy symptoms and not just cruel prometrium side-effects! Since I read your blog this morning, I just can't stop smiling and then tearing up. You would think I was the one with the BFP! :)
I just wanted to tell you what a wonderful example you have been for me. Reading your blog for the past year or so has been such a testimony and faith builder for me. I am so amazed and impressed with your faith, courage, perseverance, grace, and optimism. I am sure you would say that you are not all of those things all of the time, but that is what I see through everything you have been through. I know your journey has been painful and difficult (to say the least!), and I just wanted to let you know how much you have touched and strengthened me. Thank you for your righteous example. You are such an amazing woman, and your children are so lucky to have you as a mother.
I will continue to pray for you and your little one(s). Tell Ryan congratulations too! Congratulations on this wonderful news! :D

Ashlee G. said...

whooot whooot!!!

Dandle Dreams said...

De-lurking to say Congratulations. What a wonderful announcement. Wishing you eight months full of joy and anticipation.

Sharon said...

Heartfelt congratulations to you both. (And I have to admit I feel slightly embarrassed because I am welling up with tears of joy for someone I've never even met!). Enjoy every moment and thank you for including us all on your journey. Wonderful news!

lindsay said...

Michelle!
I have been a silent stalker of your blog for a few months now. Your courage and positive attitude are amazing. I was so excited to see that you got a BFP!!! Enjoy this time and just enjoy that you are now PREGNANT and don't worry about tomorrow!!

Congrats to you and Ryan!

elliespen said...

Michelle, I've been lurking on your blog for quite some time (more than a year now) and have been praying for you both as hard as I could. When I saw your wonderful news I cried tears of joy for you. I so remember the feelings in that first moment after the positive test and I couldn't be more thrilled for you guys. Congratulations and know that good thoughts and wishes are coming your way from Provo, UT.

HeatherWasHere said...

I just can't even express how happy I am. Best of luck and wishes and blessings. You are pregnant!!! What a miracle! Your sharing this has absolutely made my day. My YEAR!!! I know you are enjoying every millisecond and you so so deserve it. So keep it up!!!

Lyndsey said...

I am so so happy for you. I have been blog-stalking you for awhile, and you're part of the reason that I started my own infertility blog. In reading your blog, I was able to feel less alone, and more like there were people who understood what I am going through. Congrats, and enjoy your precious moments of peace and joy. The journey is worth it.

{owens} said...

oh my goodness, michelle, your experience seems so much like ours! i seriously had to convince my husband there was a line. and 147! our number for this baby at the same time was 150.. i so hope this little one sticks around for you. things look so great! can you belive it? sometimes i still have to pinch myself and i'm 22 weeks pregnant. still so weird! just enjoy the moment. we are so happy for you.

{owens} said...

oh, and how sweet that you found out on the same day you were sealed :) you so deserve this guys.

brandya said...

Congratulations! I have been following your blog for quite sometime and I have been praying so hard for you guys since you started this round of fertility treatments. I was SOO excited to open your blog this morning and read your news. My heart is over joyed for you!! I even shed some tears as I am so happy for you! Sending good thoughts, prayers and love your way!

Kacy said...

Congrats that is beyond exciting!! I was told about your blog a while back and have checked in on it every now and then. After reading your earlier post I said a prayer for your family. So wonderful!!! :)

Ryan said...

I just wanted to take a moment to thank every one of you who have commented on Michelle's blog here. All of your love and support and well wishes have been so wonderful; and I don't even know who most of you are. Reading about all of your thoughts and prayers for us (for some of you, over the years...my gosh) has been overwhelming for me. You have all given Michelle and I both so much strength and hope - you have no idea. Again, thank you so much.

Musewander said...

Michelle, that is such wonderful news! Praise God!! I am so very happy for you and your husband. I know this has been the desire of your heart for so long... so excited and happy for you!

Kristen said...

Ahhhhhhh! Oh my gravy, that is so awesome! I can't believe I'm so late in congratulating but yay! So so happy that the spotting and cramping was for a most excellent reason. Congratulations!!!

FAITH IN GOD MEANS HAVING FAITH IN HIS TIMING.