Saturday, September 11, 2010

I am struggling...

On top of all the emotions of the last couple days, I am struggling to make sense of something far more deep than I can explain... but I guess I'll try.

I have always believed that embryos are life. They are sacred. This I know. The question I keep asking myself is, when conception occurs, does that embryo already have a spirit?

In other words, were the few weeks that this baby spent inside my womb considered his or her journey to earth, and sufficient enough for God's purposes? Part of the reason for life is to gain a body and be tested. Well, my baby never really got a body. But did he or she have a spirit?

I don't think anyone out there truly knows the answer. I know I sure don't. I'm not asking for anyone to speculate or give opinions, I'm just trying to make sense of all this. All I know is that deep down inside, I loved this embryo like a child, and the loss is overwhelming. I'm sure most people wouldn't consider me a "mother", but I know I feel the emotions of one. I have never felt my heart break like this.

I read this poem a while back. Every time I read it now, I cry. I wonder if it applies to me. Is this baby a real spirit waiting for me on the other side? Or did this baby not live long enough to gain a spirit? This question just torments me. I wish I knew the answer...


I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.

"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby's not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God
I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and
cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.

"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
With all the other children and say...

'We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'

"So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson's through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
it's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.


Ashlee G. said...

I've often wondered this same question. I truely do believe that they have a spirit. You are a mommy and you will see he/she again someday.

Lyndsey said...

"When a baby arrives,
be it for a day, a month, a year or more,
or perhaps only a sweet flickering moment-
the fragile spark of a tender soul
the secret swell of a new pregnancy
the goldfish flutter known to only you-
you are unmistakeningly changed...
the tiny footprints left behind on your heart
bespeak your name as Mother."

Tami said...

I went through the same questions shortly after my miscarriage. One thing it did tell me though was that I did have children in Heaven waiting for me. However they decide to join our family. I am sure of it, and that's comforting. Hugs to you as you go through this grieving time! I know how hard it is!!

Wes and Dani said...

I wrote you a big long comment, but it didn't work. I'll paraphrase:

I'm so so so sorry for your loss. I read your post yesterday and my stomach dropped to the floor. I hope you and Ryan are finding a way to cope through this horrible time and that you are remembering to lean on each other, to pray often (and OUT LOUD) and that you are relying on the Lord and the miracle of the atonement to help ease your burden.

When we had our first miscarriage, we were both bitter for a very long time. We cursed God, we refused to pray, we felt sorry for ourselves, we sobbed, we stopped going to church for awhile....we couldn't move on. I cried every night after I was sure my husband was asleep. My husband went to work in the morning and hid in the bathroom stall of the mens' room to cry. We were both utter wrecks. It took literally months before we felt like ourselves again.

With our second miscarriage, we tried to pray from day one for strength to move on and find it in our hearts to understand everything instead of just blaming it all on God and everything/everyone else we could think of. We had a much easier time (not that it wasn't hard!) getting past our second miscarriage and I think it had less to do with the fact that we'd already experienced one and much more to do with our attitudes afterward.

So my little piece of advice as you literally travel through Hell on earth in the coming weeks is that you remember to lean on God instead of cursing him, that you communicate with one another instead of trying to hide your sorrows from each other, and that you try to keep some hope in your hearts that you will again be able to experience parenthood in this life. I wish you all the best and hope that this someday feels like a flicker in time and like it was all worth it in the end.

Wes and Dani said...

For a little while
Have I forsaken thee;
But with great mercies will I gather thee.
In a little wrath I hid my face from thee
For a moment.
But with everlasting kindness will I gather thee,
And with mercy will I take thee ‘neath my wings,
For the mountains shall depart,
And the hills shall be removed,
And the valleys shall be lost beneath the sea,
But know, my child,
My kindness shall not depart from thee!

Though thine afflictions seem
At times too great to bear,
I know thine every thought and every care.
And though the very jaws
Of hell gape after thee I am with thee.
And with everlasting mercy will I succor thee,
And with healing will I take thee ‘neath my wings.
Though the mountains shall depart,
And the hills shall be removed,
And the valleys shall be lost beneath the sea,
Know, my child,
My kindness shall not depart from thee!

How long can rolling waters
Remain impure?
What pow’r shall stay the hand of God?
The Son of Man hath descended below all things.
Art thou greater than He?

So hold on thy way,
For I shall be with thee.
And mine angels shall encircle thee.
Doubt not what thou knowest,
Fear not man, for he
Cannot hurt thee.
And with everlasting kindness will I succor thee,
And with mercy will I take thee ‘neath my wings.
For the mountains shall depart,
And the hills shall be removed,
And the valleys shall be lost beneath the sea,
But know, my child,
My kindness shall not depart from thee!
My kindness shall not depart from thee!

Wes and Dani said...

PS: In response to this specific post, I believe that embryos have spirits and that you will see that baby again. Whether in this life or the next you will get the chance to raise that baby from infancy.

You know in Saturday's warrior when the mom miscarries her last baby and the baby goes up to heaven again and has to wait to go back down to earth again? I don't know if it's like that--like maybe a subsequent pregnancy will be your baby's spirit trying to come down into an earthly body again...or maybe this pregnancy was sufficient enough for that spirit to gain a body and any subsequent pregnancies are new spirits. Either way I get comfort in the knowledge that one way or another that baby will be mine to raise at some point.

I don't know if that was helpful, and I guess it was speculation like you said you didn't want....sorry. :/

RMCarter said...

No, it's helpful and exactly what I wanted/needed to hear. Everything you said is comforting. Thank you.

Richard and McKenna said...

I think that every situation is different. With our first miscarriage the baby stopped growing before 6 weeks but as we were leaving the doctors office after we got the news, I felt very very strongly and specifically that our little baby had gone through what it needed to and was back with Heavenly Father where it should be. I felt the same thing with our second miscarriage (stopped growing around 8 weeks) as well, but not as strongly. With our third miscarriage (stopped growing before 5 weeks) I never felt any of those feelings . So I think it depends. For me, with my first miscarriage I really felt the way that you are explaining. I knew that was all the little spirit had to go through. If you feel that way, then I really think that is true.

jrose35 said...

We suffered a miscarriage a year ago our baby stopped growing at six weeks and me and my husband truly believe our baby had a spirit. I loved my little one that left me so quickly and I was in a dark place for awhile praying for the next month to come quickly when we could start to try again. I left God for awhile but did come back to him and prayed for a healthy child. I almost gave up hope but my hubby gave me some of his and we came through that dark time. Several months later on the month our baby would have been born we got pregnant again and when my husband saw the sonogram he had a feeling that our lost baby had come back home to us. I felt her spirit had returned to us as well. God gave her back to us and she is my miracle. My thoughts and prayers are with you always. Your poem made me cry it is so beautiful and all so very true.

Luna said...

I sent you a couple emails. One has an article from the church. It sorta answers the question, in a way. Often I think it is most importantly a matter of prayer for peace, no matter what the "real" answer is. For those that might be searching or interested

Anonymous said...

I absolutely believe that you are a mother just as I believe I am one. The fact that we miscarried a precious life that we wanted so very much doesn't negate the fact that there was life growing inside of us. I am so very sorry for what you are currently going through. I know its difficult and I will keep you in my prayers. (((Hugs)))

Amy Nielson said...

Oh I love that poem!!! I wish I knew the answer too. Love you SO much!!!

Michele said...

I believe in the spirit at conception... 100%. Completely.


Idgie said...

First of all, I need to apologize for not posting my support before now. I have had a rough couple of weeks (though nowhere near as rough as you have had) and I couldn't bring myself to post anything because I simply couldn't find the words.
I am so very incredibly sorry for the loss of your precious baby. My heart aches for you, and you have been in my prayers daily.
And I, like Michele, believe that at the moment of conception, those cells cease to be "just cells", become a baby, and have a spirit. I truly believe your baby was a baby, complete and perfect and possessing a spirit just as much as you or I. And it is my belief that no matter how long that child was able to stay with you, from the moment it was conceived, you ARE it's mother. You ARE and always will be that child's mother.
I pray that God in his infinite mercy and love will touch your heart and begin His healing. Hold tight to your husband, and your faith in God.
My prayers are with you daily.

In His Love,

April said...

I am so sorry for your loss.