Monday, September 13, 2010

200th Post

Verily I say unto you my friends, fear not, let your hearts be comforted; yea, rejoice evermore, and in everything give thanks;

Waiting patiently on the Lord, for your prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord of Sabaoth, and are recorded with this seal and testament—the Lord hath sworn and decreed that they shall be granted.

Therefore, he giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant that they shall be fulfilled; and all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good, and to my name’s glory, saith the Lord.

Doctrine and Covenants 98: 1-3

When I started this blog as a journal of this experience, I never thought I would make it to 200 posts. But here I am...

From the very first post in 2006, to the 100th post, written during one of the hardest times of my life, it has been a journey for sure.

And now I'm at 200, and it hasn't gotten much easier. BUT the hope is still there. In 200 posts, I haven't lost hope.

Today, a fellow church member gave me the scripture referenced above. If that's not a promise, I don't know what is... I've read that passage several times in the past hour, and find more comfort each time I read it.

Tomorrow is a big day. It will be the first time I've really interacted with people face-to-face since I got the news. I have hidden out in my home for the last 4 days, reading your supportive and encouraging comments and emails. I haven't had to censor my emotions or try to make others feel comfortable. I can just break down when I want to with no repercussions. That's all going to change, and I'm going to have to look people in the eye again. I hope it all goes okay.

Earlier, Ryan was joking around and being his normal sweet self. I was laughing along for a while, but then got quiet. He asked what was wrong and I said I was just sad. He seemed disappointed at that. I told him, you know, it's only been 4 days since life changed, not even 2 days since the miscarriage began. He commented that it seems like it's been a lot longer. He said, "I just miss you". I think he misses the wife he had during that wonderful week, the week I finally felt like myself again. The best week of my life.

But that is over now. And I need to work on getting through this, and having faith that I will be in that place again someday.

Even though I never thought I'd make it to 200 posts, I am so grateful for this blog. I am grateful for the support that has come about because of it. I am grateful for the friends I've met. I am grateful for the ability to purge my innermost thoughts and feelings into the universe, which somehow makes it easier to acknowledge and accept my situation.

Mostly, I am grateful that SOMEDAY, whether at post #300, #500, or #1000, there WILL be an ending and I pray everyday it will be a happy one.


Tami said...

Just be prepared too that the grief can hit at anytime. That was one thing I wasn't prepared for...a couple of weeks after my miscarriage walking through Walmart with my little niece and her just turning to me and saying "I'm sorry your baby died." The grief still takes my breath away at times, and sometimes out of nowhere. BUT. It gets better. The pain will ease over time. It sounds like you are doing well though, and it sounds like your hubby is very supportive which is great.
I understand what you mean about losing a part of yourself...infertility steals something from you. I remember feeling I was somewhat normal when I was pregnant. That I could finally hold my head up in public because I was like everyone else. I totally get it, and you aren't alone...again if you ever wanna just chat over email, feel free to email sounds like you have a lot of support in your life (something I envy!). Hugs and prayers for you!

Logan and Amy said...

I will pray that your day tomorrow will go well. I admire you and your strength. Love you!


PalsRWe said...

Not sure if you remember me (Dance Classes, & katie pauline's sister).. Even though we have never really known each other that well it's probably been 15 years. I feel like I know you so well through your blog. I am bawling as I write this I know and feel your pain. After reading your many posts from these past few weeks, all the crazy, happy, angry feelings you are experiencing is all part of the grieving and coping process at least that's how I always felt, if you need to scream, let it out. You may not feel normal, but how you are feeling emotional is "totally" normal. I know it's overwhelming at times, just keep reminding yourself Heavenly Father Loves You and is aware of what you and your husband are experiencing. Heavenly Father is aware of and can feel and understand all that we feel. These thoughts are part of what helped my husband and I survive and get through my many miscarriages. You are in my thoughts and prayers, You will survive the Journey of Infertility. I wish I could give you a Huge Hug or even better(eat chocolate and cry so hard that snot starts dripping everywhere, (it's what happens in moments like these) whatever helps the most. Your thoughts on miscarriage and if theses little embryos have a spirit? That same question is on my mind a lot, I do have 2 little children here on earth now, but I always think about if I have several other beautiful perfect little ones dancing around above. Thinking that way always helped bring a little warmth to my heart. Love always, Kiley Powell a friend whose heart reaches out to you and knows your pain.

Marianne said...

I'm thinking and praying for you. Find comfort in knowing that you are loved and people far away want you to get back to that happy place sooner rather than later. I hope this comment bolsters your strength.

Surely said...

I continue to think about you and pray for comfort and strength for you as you take each day at a time. I hope you will keep on posting as a way to keep a journal of the many bumps and bruises of your journey knowing with faith their is hope and healing!