Verily I say unto you my friends, fear not, let your hearts be comforted; yea, rejoice evermore, and in everything give thanks;
Waiting patiently on the Lord, for your prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord of Sabaoth, and are recorded with this seal and testament—the Lord hath sworn and decreed that they shall be granted.
Therefore, he giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant that they shall be fulfilled; and all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good, and to my name’s glory, saith the Lord.
Doctrine and Covenants 98: 1-3
When I started this blog as a journal of this experience, I never thought I would make it to 200 posts. But here I am...
From the very first post in 2006, to the 100th post, written during one of the hardest times of my life, it has been a journey for sure.
And now I'm at 200, and it hasn't gotten much easier. BUT the hope is still there. In 200 posts, I haven't lost hope.
Today, a fellow church member gave me the scripture referenced above. If that's not a promise, I don't know what is... I've read that passage several times in the past hour, and find more comfort each time I read it.
Tomorrow is a big day. It will be the first time I've really interacted with people face-to-face since I got the news. I have hidden out in my home for the last 4 days, reading your supportive and encouraging comments and emails. I haven't had to censor my emotions or try to make others feel comfortable. I can just break down when I want to with no repercussions. That's all going to change, and I'm going to have to look people in the eye again. I hope it all goes okay.
Earlier, Ryan was joking around and being his normal sweet self. I was laughing along for a while, but then got quiet. He asked what was wrong and I said I was just sad. He seemed disappointed at that. I told him, you know, it's only been 4 days since life changed, not even 2 days since the miscarriage began. He commented that it seems like it's been a lot longer. He said, "I just miss you". I think he misses the wife he had during that wonderful week, the week I finally felt like myself again. The best week of my life.
But that is over now. And I need to work on getting through this, and having faith that I will be in that place again someday.
Even though I never thought I'd make it to 200 posts, I am so grateful for this blog. I am grateful for the support that has come about because of it. I am grateful for the friends I've met. I am grateful for the ability to purge my innermost thoughts and feelings into the universe, which somehow makes it easier to acknowledge and accept my situation.
Mostly, I am grateful that SOMEDAY, whether at post #300, #500, or #1000, there WILL be an ending and I pray everyday it will be a happy one.