20 Weeks - Half-way there

My 20 week mark was a bit of an adventure.

The night before I hit 20 weeks, I listened to Katelyn's heartbeat with my home doppler for the first time in about a week. I noticed it sounded like her heart was periodically skipping a beat. I thought it was because she was moving around so much and maybe I was hearing it wrong.

The next morning, I listened again, and she was definitely skipping beats. Other times it seemed the beats were too close together or her heart rate got a little bit faster then slower.

I read online that heart arrhythmias happen to a small percentage of babies, and rarely indicates a serious problem, but I still felt a bit nervous. I did what Dr. M always told me to do if there were any changes or I felt concerned, I called his office.

A couple hours later, his assistant returned my call. Dr. M was out of the office that day. She tried to tell me I’m not really hearing a missing heartbeat, that my machine is just malfunctioning. (Well, I’m sorry, but I have the exact same machine you use.) She said that maybe I am just hearing my own heartbeat, or that I’m just not hearing it right. (I’m not an idiot. I’ve been listening to my baby’s heartbeat for almost 3 months now. I know when it’s different. It’s one thing to tell me an irregular heartbeat is not a problem; I was expecting to hear that. But don’t try to dismiss what I know I am hearing.)

Then she says they can’t see me until next Friday. So I ask her, “Just *assume* my baby’s heartbeat is irregular, is that something to be concerned about?” and she says it is, because it can indicate a problem. So why not believe me then and check it out sooner??? Honestly, I expected them to call and say don’t worry about it. I did not expect them to not believe me. Ryan is the last person in the world to overreact about something or make a big deal and the minute he heard Katelyn's heartbeat he said, “That’s not right”. He still wasn’t super concerned, but even he knew right away it was different.

She said she'd try to find an earlier appointment for me and would call me back. I cried for about an hour. It's an awful feeling to believe something might be wrong, but have no one believe you.

Luckily, Dr. M called me back instead of his assistant. I didn't hear the call, so he left me a voicemail. He said that abnormal heartbeats usually appear around mid-20 weeks of your pregnancy, and since I’m only 20 weeks, that’s why they were thinking it might be the machine. But he said he trusts what I hear, so if I am feeling really worried about it, he wanted me to go to Labor and Delivery and have them check it out since he was out of the office on family business. Otherwise, I should call Monday morning and they’ll get me in Monday or Tuesday. It was just nice to hear someone validate what I *knew* I was hearing (and Ryan heard, and my mom heard - via a phone call…).

I did not go to L&D. Instead, I did some research. I saw a few explanations regarding why Katelyn's heartbeat would be irregular. One was dehydration and another was caffeine. I drank a caffeinated soda the day before because I was having one of my migraines. Although I had done that before without any ill effects, I still I wondered about it. Just in case, I began drinking a ton of water.

I also found an interesting study... it linked cocoa butter to fetal heart arrhythmias. While there was some debate on the topic, there were conclusive findings that the use of this product caused some babies to have an irregular heartbeat, most likely due to the absorption of caffeine through the skin. Another group of doctors found that simply having the cocoa butter product on your skin can cause false doppler readings, making the heartbeat appear to be irregular. All very interesting.

After my ultrasound the previous Thursday (where Katelyn's heartbeat was regular and normal), I began using cocoa butter all over my mid-section. I had been using it for a week when I listened to her heartbeat again and found it irregular. I am very sensitive to caffeine. Could it be that my little girl is the same way?

I immediately washed the cocoa butter off my skin and continued flushing my system with water. Within 12 hours, her heartbeat sounded a bit better. 24 hours later, there were no more skipped heartbeats, but it still wasn't quite normal. As of tonight, she seems to be back on schedule.

I know that this incident could have been caused by anything. It could have been a fluke or maybe the nurse was right and my machine was acting up. As much as I hate to think something I was doing was causing the arrhythmia, I still can't help wondering if the caffeine had something to do with it. Regardless, I am relieved that she seems to be doing better. And the cocoa butter is put away for good.

Somewhere in the midst of all this chaos, Ryan snapped a 20 week pic. I know I fought the idea of doing regular 'belly pics' at first, but I have to admit, I am loving watching this belly grow each month.



And a few new things about pregnancy... My body feels like an old woman's if I get up after sitting too long, it's hard to stand on my right leg because of a weird tendon that is constantly feels 'pulled', Katelyn is doing less popcorn movements and more kicks, my feet swelled up for the first time, I am tired but have a feeling I will never sleep through the night again, and I am loving it all.

16 Weeks

Last Friday, I hit the 16 week mark. I can honestly say this has been the longest 16 weeks of my life (because of the anxiety and waiting for our baby to finally be in our arms – not because I’m not enjoying pregnancy). They have also been the happiest 4 months too.

I have received advice from several people to document my growing belly. At first, I resisted. I didn’t really see the point. I especially hate those pictures of pregnant women where they cut their head off (presumably to focus solely on the belly?). I think that’s creepy. However, so many people have encouraged me to do it, I decided to take more pictures than I originally planned on (although I promise never to be headless). I guess I just figure we waited a long time for this, why not celebrate it?!

A few pregnancy tidbits…
- The heartburn train has pulled into the station. I’ve got it (and good!). Some days are worse than others. On the bad days, I get heartburn from *everything*. It’s actually kind-of funny. ;)
- I never realized how much your body has to stretch during pregnancy. Wowzers! I’ve got tightened rubber bands all through my groin, between my legs, in my thighs, you name it. Standing on my right leg by itself is barely tolerable. Shaving my legs is getting comical (and I’ve got so far to go!).
- You will spend $70 on a *pillow* if there is a chance a good night sleep could result.
- I LOVE feeling our baby move.
- Apparently, Beanie can hear me now. So, I sing to him/her in the car sometimes. Not sure if this is a good or bad thing…
- I get nosebleeds sometimes in the mornings.
- After a year and a half, I am eating meat again. And I blame it all on the baby!!
- As a child/teenager, I would occasionally get migraines with auras (numb hands and face, blind spots, trouble speaking, etc). At some point, I just stopped having them and went over 15 years without even one. Then, the week after my miscarriage, I had one. Fast forward to now and I've had 3 in just over a week. I'm wondering how long they'll stick around, as they are kind-of scary!
- My tummy is growing, and I’m still amazed every time I look down. :)

1st Trimester Wrap-Up!

There are a lot of opinions regarding when my 2nd trimester begins. If you calculate based on the conception date, it would be April 6th. If you calculate based on the gestation, it would be March 28th.

But, if you calculate based on development, it would be TODAY! And, since my favorite pregnancy book concurs, I have decided to dub today the FIRST day of the SECOND trimester!

So, here are the things I want to remember about my first trimester with Beanie…

Best Moments:

- The positive pregnancy test. Hugging Ryan right afterward. The equally positive blood tests to follow.
- Telling loved ones the good news.
- Each and every time I’ve seen that cute little bean on the ultrasound screen. Maybe it was the long wait to get here or maybe I’m just paranoid, but there was always a moment of shock each time I saw Beanie alive, well and growing. And I love the giddiness and adrenaline high that comes immediately after.
- Realizing the awesome man I have married. I mean, I always knew he was, but I have been amazed at how much he has stepped up to help me and how understanding he’s been. Also, how excited he is. He is my hero!
- Finding Dr. M.
- Trying on maternity clothes with a strap-on belly. I never thought I’d do something like that but at the last minute I did. HA!


- Renting a doppler and hearing the heartbeat. I had tried to find it for a couple minutes and couldn't, so Ryan tried and found it right away. Then he said, "Beanie wanted *daddy* to find it!" :)
- The LAST progesterone shot! We did those things every night for 8 weeks. Ryan commented, “Wow! That went by fast!” to which I replied, “For YOU!” :P

Surprising Moments:

- I ate chicken for the first time in 1 ½ years. And I ate it because it sounded good! Weird…
- I can’t believe how much I can feel my vertebrae moving around, getting ready for pregnancy I guess. It’s occasionally painful, but mostly it’s just strange.
- I only threw up once. I always thought I’d be one of those ladies hugging the toilet for 4 months. I had my share of nausea, but I was very fortunate.
- My fatigue hit full-force at 9/10 weeks, and is still there. I am way more exhausted now than I was at the beginning of pregnancy.
- I think I will be one of those pregnant ladies who are sick the whole pregnancy. I am going on 7 weeks of head colds, allergies, coughing, you name it. I did have sinus/ear infections and that has been cleared up, but the sickness continues. Totally worth it though, obviously.
- Actually making it to this point in pregnancy. It is a dream!

Difficult Moments:

- Losing Andie. By far, the most difficult moment.
- My Urgent Care debacle.


All in all, my first trimester has been the most wonderful 3 months of my life. There has been anxiety, apprehension, and tears, all completely covered up in blissful joy and gratitude beyond words. I can not WAIT to meet our baby, to hold that precious gift in my arms, but in the meantime I am enjoying being a mommy in every way I can.

I am excited for the 2nd trimester, which should last until July 1st (or June 29th… or July 4th… those darn differing opinions…)! I think I am slowly getting to the point that my excitement outweighs my worries and fears. Not by a lot... but a little at least.

Lots to look forward to. :)

At 12 weeks...

2010 & 2011

2010 was an interesting year. Understatement of the decade.

In this year, I was able to begin treatments again after years of waiting and wanting. What a blessing! Those treatments led to pregnancy, and I had the best week of my life in 2010.

Followed by one of the worst months of my life.

2010 was also simultaneously the most difficult and most wonderful year of our marriage.

What a roller coaster this year was for us, and I have to admit I am happy to see it go.

About a month ago, our Stake President encouraged us to ask friends and family to fast with us on the first Sunday in January. Ryan and I are fasting that our fertility treatments will be successful and we'll be blessed with children. It is not usually in my character to ask this, but if you are so inclined, we'd love for you to join us.

My hope is that 2011 will be our year. So far, we seem to be off to a hopeful start!

I Survived.

All my life, I wanted to be done having kids by 30. This is why I talked my apprehensive husband into letting me stop birth control at 23. I wanted 4 children and expected to spend my twenties barefoot and pregnant.

As infertility reared its ugly head, I became nervous about my “done at 30” goal. It’s seemed possible I wouldn’t be done by 30 after all.

Then, as years went by, I started to become worried I wouldn’t have even started by the time I was 30. For someone with my background, culture, and life goals, this thought was devastating. How could I reach age 30 without even starting (what I hoped would be) my medium-sized family??? (Yes, 4 kids is medium for Mormons, even in today’s world.)

This fear became greater as the birthdays clicked by… 26… 27…28…29… I just knew I would not survive turning 30 without becoming a mother first. But I couldn’t stop the clock.

Finally, my 30th birthday came. I was not a mother. I was not pregnant. I had no adoption profile.

I got up, got ready, and went about my day.

In short, I survived.

The earth did not swallow me up in misery and total despair. I had a regular day. In fact, I had a nice day. And life went on.

Today I turn 31. I had hoped beyond hope that I would be a mother by today.

I’m not.

But I still got up, go ready, and went about my day.

I survived. :)

200th Post

Verily I say unto you my friends, fear not, let your hearts be comforted; yea, rejoice evermore, and in everything give thanks;

Waiting patiently on the Lord, for your prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord of Sabaoth, and are recorded with this seal and testament—the Lord hath sworn and decreed that they shall be granted.

Therefore, he giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant that they shall be fulfilled; and all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good, and to my name’s glory, saith the Lord.

Doctrine and Covenants 98: 1-3

When I started this blog as a journal of this experience, I never thought I would make it to 200 posts. But here I am...

From the very first post in 2006, to the 100th post, written during one of the hardest times of my life, it has been a journey for sure.

And now I'm at 200, and it hasn't gotten much easier. BUT the hope is still there. In 200 posts, I haven't lost hope.

Today, a fellow church member gave me the scripture referenced above. If that's not a promise, I don't know what is... I've read that passage several times in the past hour, and find more comfort each time I read it.

Tomorrow is a big day. It will be the first time I've really interacted with people face-to-face since I got the news. I have hidden out in my home for the last 4 days, reading your supportive and encouraging comments and emails. I haven't had to censor my emotions or try to make others feel comfortable. I can just break down when I want to with no repercussions. That's all going to change, and I'm going to have to look people in the eye again. I hope it all goes okay.

Earlier, Ryan was joking around and being his normal sweet self. I was laughing along for a while, but then got quiet. He asked what was wrong and I said I was just sad. He seemed disappointed at that. I told him, you know, it's only been 4 days since life changed, not even 2 days since the miscarriage began. He commented that it seems like it's been a lot longer. He said, "I just miss you". I think he misses the wife he had during that wonderful week, the week I finally felt like myself again. The best week of my life.

But that is over now. And I need to work on getting through this, and having faith that I will be in that place again someday.

Even though I never thought I'd make it to 200 posts, I am so grateful for this blog. I am grateful for the support that has come about because of it. I am grateful for the friends I've met. I am grateful for the ability to purge my innermost thoughts and feelings into the universe, which somehow makes it easier to acknowledge and accept my situation.

Mostly, I am grateful that SOMEDAY, whether at post #300, #500, or #1000, there WILL be an ending and I pray everyday it will be a happy one.

I didn't ask for this...

Two years ago, I celebrated earning my 'Bachelors Degree in Reproductive Science'. Well, maybe "celebrated" is the wrong word. Probably "acknowledged" works better.

So what does that say about today? Have I graduated to a "Master's" degree now? Realistically, I haven't done one thing physically to pursue parenthood, although there certainly has been some emotional growth over these last two years.

Today is Ryan and my 9th anniversary. It's been an exciting 9 years and there were definitely some surprises along the way. Although some days I would never agree with this, as of today I don't think I'd change a thing. Maybe it's the celebration of the day that accounts for my Pollyanna attitude, but I choose not to analyze it; just enjoy it. Today, I am happy.

But please God, please don't make me earn a doctorate...

MIA and I'll tell you why (100th Post)

This last month has been quite the battle. I almost left this part of my journey unrecorded because I was nervous about putting it out there. I have seen friends be open and honest about their struggles, this issue in particular. But my pride stopped me from taking this next step.

I questioned Ryan about whether I should approach this topic so publicly. I was somewhat shocked by his response. He made me feel normal, and encouraged me to share this experience.

For the last year or so, I have been going in a downward spiral. Completely stalled in pursuing adoption or fertility treatments for an indeterminate amount of time, I slowly became more and more hopeless that things would ever improve, that I would ever have my family.

It started out as a funk, which turned into sadness, which turned into depression.

I tried everything I could think of to pull myself out of it. I prayed like never before. I journaled my feelings. I read scriptures. I started exercising more, including taking a weekly dance class. I tried herbs and acupuncture. I concentrated on work. I meditated and relaxed. I forced myself to think positively. I planned fun activities with Ryan. I served others at church. I cuddled with my cat. I vented to friends. I tried a new hobby. It wasn't getting better.

So, I turned to a psychologist, who immediately diagnosed me with depression (I didn't know that at the time though - I just knew she said I had 'symptoms' of depression). I worked with her for five months. It was only getting worse.

Finally, at the urging of loved ones and the psychologist, I made an appointment with my doctor. She couldn't see me for three weeks, so in the meantime I forged ahead.

After just one week, I couldn't take it anymore. I was near desperation. I knew this had gone way beyond just wanting a baby. Way beyond sadness. This was a different creature altogether. I called my doctor's office and told them I needed to come in right away.

While I was waiting to hear back from them, I ran an errand to Kinkos. There was a mix-up and the girl behind the counter was frustrated. Once back in my car, I burst into hysterical tears over the incident. This is the place I was at. This had become common behavior for me.

Just then, my phone rang. The doctor could see me right then. I went back to my office, told my boss I would be missing my afternoon appointment, and headed over there.

Through my tears I told my doctor how I was feeling and the thoughts I'd been having. I told her some of the things I had tried to make it better. I asked her what I should do.

She stated there was no doubt I had full-blown depression. She said I had let this go too long before seeking help, but she was glad I finally came in.

I asked her what was going on with me. How did my sadness turn into depression? She compared it to losing a loved one. Most people go through the grieving process step-by-step, but some get 'stuck' at a certain point. She's seen the same thing happen with women who have dealt with infertility for as long as I have. After a while of living in a state of sadness/hopelessness/anger, the chemical balance in your brain can literally change. That's when you might need a little more help.

So, she offered me some help. Swallowing my pride and accepting it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Even as my ego and stubbornness begged me to say no, the Holy Spirit (through an avalanche of tears) forced me to say yes.

She cleared up misconceptions. Yes, even I, a graduate of Psychology, had misconceptions. I would venture to say that everyone does, unless they've been through this themselves.

Since that appointment some amazing things have happened. Last week, for the first time in months, I was able to get out of bed without two or more hours worth of pep talks. Ryan and I had a disagreement and I got over it, instead of crying uncontrollably until 4am. Not only have I been making dinner again, but I am enjoying it.

Perhaps the most amazing thing is I have hope again. It is small, but it's there. Last night, I pulled the pre-natal vitamins out of the medicine cabinet. For five years I took these pills just in case, by some miracle, I actually became pregnant. Several months ago, I threw them in the back of the cabinet saying, "Why bother?" Last night I thought, "Why not?"

I still have all those emotions that come with infertility: pain, sadness, loneliness, bitterness. I still cry sometimes when I feel these things. But I also found the other side of life again: joy, faith, hope, charity. I feel so much closer to my Heavenly Father, and I can finally see His wisdom again, even when I am feeling hurt or impatient.

When I first noticed I was having trouble conceiving, someone told me to 'humble myself and it will happen'. I took a lot of offense to that at the time. Although it still stings today, I look back and realize that I am a lot more prideful than I thought I was. It took this experience to make me see that sometimes I really have to let go. Perhaps I needed to lose control to truly learn I wasn't in control in the first place.

This is my 100th post. My first post was written when I was starting my first Clomid cycle (in 2006). I ended with the following:

I am cautiously optimistic. Maybe this is all my body needs...just a little push. Or maybe it's just the first step in what may be a long process...

Oh, I had no idea, huh? What a process this has been!

Last summer, Ryan and I hiked to the Lundy Mine. Ryan had been on this hike one time as a child, and I had never been. Needless to say, neither one of us knew the trail well enough to know how far we'd hiked and how much further we had to go. There were no mile markers and no maps along the way. All we knew was the mine was at the end of this trail. If we stayed on the trail, we would get to the mine eventually. But we had no idea when.

About a half-hour or so into the hike, I literally sat down and said I didn't want to do it anymore. I was tired. I wasn't prepared for this. I was too out of shape. It was too steep. This was harder than I thought. This was not what I was expecting. After a few minutes and some tears, I changed my mind and we pressed ahead.

At that moment, had I known we weren't even a fraction of the way there, I would have quit. No question about it. Had I known the steepness and the length of the trail that was ahead, I would have second-guessed my ability to do it. It was the not knowing that was the hardest part, but also the part that kept me going. The end of the trail could be around any curve, and I wanted to make it to the end.

Much is the same with this 'trail' I'm on now. Had I known at Post #1 where I would be at Post #100, I might have sat down and quit. "I'm tired. I wasn't prepared for this. It's harder than I thought." I would have second-guessed my ability to do it.

There may be steeper paths ahead, rocky roads and long stretches. It's the not knowing that is the hardest part, but also the part that keeps me going. The end of the trail could be around any curve, and I want to make it to the end.