Thursday, December 2, 2010

Keep that Feeling

Ever since I received some answers about this long journey we’re on, my life has completely changed. No one can tell by looking on the outside… I’m still not pregnant, on a break, unsure of when our blessings will finally come… but on the inside, I feel like a different person.

My faith that motherhood will come has returned. My knowledge of which path is right for us is sure. Now I have to simply do my part and lean on my dear frienemy… patience.

In the meantime, I am doing things to protect myself from sad situations to try and keep this positive, happy attitude for as long as possible.

I reclaimed my lunch hour. I decided it is my hour in the middle of the day to do whatever I’d like. As I mentioned before, work is a difficult place for me right now. The people are awesome, but the circumstances are hard sometimes. Now, instead of eating lunch in the conference room, I use that time to run errands, read a book, watch something fun on Netflicks, or even write a quick blog entry. ;) I am loving this hour for myself immensely and it is the right decision for now.

Another thing I am doing is hiding people on Facebook. I had only hidden a few, select people before, mainly those who posted too frequently, use it for business networking, etc. I have expanded this to include people who are in a stage of life where motherhood consumes them. Not all mothers, mind you, just the ones who constantly post about their babies, kids, and the endless frustrations of being a mom. I don’t fault these women at all, so I hope no one is offended. Once I’m a mom, you probably won’t be able to shut me up about that kind of thing! :) But for now, I don’t need to see it all the time. (Disclaimer to my mommy friends who are reading this: I am not talking about you. The moms I am hiding on Facebook do not follow my blog or even comment about my situation when it does come up. They are 100% in their own mommy world, which is fine, but I don’t want to live in their world right now.)

I have continued saying “no”. I started trying out the “no” word when I began treatments again about 5 months ago. I made the decision that I am going to keep using that word, even during this treatment break. Sometimes I modify it a bit (“Yes, I’ll help with that, but I can only do such-and-such.”). I’ve learned that it is not always selfish to say no; sometimes it’s self-preservation. On the flip side, when I do say “yes”, I don’t begrudge it because I consciously chose to do it. I find that helps me enjoy the task more, and I do a better job.

There is a lot more I’m doing, but I’ll just share one last thing. I am trying to have a tougher skin and focus on what really matters. One small example… Since I posted about my experience on Sunday, I lost several readers who were following along publically. My natural instinct is to have hurt feelings and mull it over for a while, wondering why they left. Maybe I had offended them… maybe my blog isn’t “real” enough (I’ve been accused of being *too* positive in the past)… maybe it’s too religious… maybe they got bored…

In reality, it absolutely does not matter. When I started this blog, it was just to document my fertility treatments so that people who knew what I was going through wouldn’t have to ask all the time how I was doing. The money for treatments fizzled out quite quickly and what came after was years of working through the never-ending grief that is infertility. I kept writing, thinking it could be something that my future child would read someday, or at least a history for myself of our journey. That is the real purpose, not whether 100 people read along or 1000. I know it seems silly, but I am a sensitive soul, and I could be hurt by a lot of silly things. Refocusing on what’s really important is helping me to stay sane.

I feel like I have changed a lot since Sunday, and I hope this positivity and peace sticks around for a while. I find myself actually able to bear the holiday season this year, something that has been lacking in many years past.

I want to share a quote that a wonderful woman posted on here a few days back. On Sunday, I was completely low. Hopeless. The desperation and despair was worse that day than it had been in a long time. Even worse than when I found out we were losing our baby (although the miscarriage was a *huge* part of why I was feeling so low on Sunday – delayed despair I guess). I thought it just couldn’t get any worse. It was at that moment, that God showed mercy on me, and gave me answers I had waited 7 years to hear. This quote describes that moment perfectly.

When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.

- Harriet Beecher Stowe


Susie Wilkens said...

This spiritual journey is between you and the Lord. Do not let what others think of you cause you to worry. God is good all the time. He loves you and is gracious.Sometimes God calls us to wait, and that is the often the most difficult thing He will ask us to do. Remember He is your Guide - with Him you have Guidance - If you look at the word Guidance carefully - you see a big G for God u and i dance - let Him lead - He will bless you with children or change your desires - He is not a cruel God - but one that desires you to follow Him in the dance of life - Bless you!

Tami said...

I can totally relate to your post. I also had to go into self preservation after my miscarriage. I asked to be released from my calling, and while I know that is bad to do I knew it was right for me. And I felt peace in that choice. I usually have no comments on my blog, but that doesn't bother me. I just figure its really about me and my journey and getting my feelings out, same as you! I also had delayed grief. It took about 2 months for me to really be hit by what happened. It was a dark time. But I pulled out of it stronger. I hope your wish and dream for a family of your own comes true soon. Waiting really is one of the hardest parts of it all!

Liz said...

What a beautiful quote!! I absolutely love it and thank you for sharing...

Savannah said...

I agree to so many points of this post. Life became so much more bearable when I made me #1. I too have hid friends on Facebook, although with some my first thought was to delete. But it has helped me so much to not see those notices every day all day long. Its not that I'm against what they say, but at this point in my life, it is not something I can handle. I feel by hiding their joy it not only keeps me more at peace, but then I'm not tempted to try to ruin their joy.
Finding some peace, even when it doesn't come with answers is always a good thing for me.

Carroll Berrett said...

Michelle I love that you are in a better place with the HOPE that I know so many have been praying for on your behalf. And I am also glad that you didn't let the followers of your blog that might have taken a "break" bother you. You are an amazing women and always have been don't let ANYONE ever make you feel differently! Love ya

Chhandita said...

I have been following your blog for a long time now. All I want to say is Bravo...for following your heart.


Poduska Family said...

What a fantastic quote!

Amanda said...

I loved your comments about saying no. I needed to read that! Thank you.

Sarita said...

Good for you on all counts. I have to admit that I have wondered and maybe hoped that a couple of
people have hidden me on facebook lately for their own sanity. Because I am starting to annoy myself with my baby posts. It is sometimes my only access to the outside world and the only thing I have to talk about and i am starting ti censor myself so people dont hate me. So never feel like you have to apologize or qualify needing to hide someone for awhile or forever in some cases.