Saturday, July 12, 2008

It's a Choice, People!

Can you choose to be positive? I think so.

I am going through the hardest trial of my life, thus far. I know that there are so many people out there (some I know personally) who's trails far outweigh my own, but for me this has been hard. It has been long and intense and, although I know that I will overcome it eventually, sometimes it feels it is a battle that will never be won.

There are a lot of days that I want to roll over in bed, pull the sheets over my head, and disappear for a while. Many times, I'll just sit and stare into space for a while, absent of any thoughts or feelings. Sometimes, I have to force myself to do things that I should enjoy.

Why do I share this? I'm asking myself that same question at this moment. Confessing these feelings is embarrassing. It makes me feel selfish, especially considering what some people struggle with everyday: illness and disease, the death of a loved one, the loss of a child, etc.

Maybe someday I'll look back on this and feel so silly, roll my eyes, and tell myself to get over it. Or maybe not.

Can you choose to be positive? I think so. But it's not easy...

Most days, I consciously make that choice hour by hour. On bad days, minute by minute.

Sometimes, it is literally an excruciating choice to make. Hiding under the covers would be so much easier. I wouldn't have to venture out into the world, pulling myself away from my selfishness, and think of others. Showing happiness for friends and family who appear to have everything they want, sometimes celebrating the very thing I desire. Feeling empathy for people who have their own struggles, forcing myself not to compare their struggles to mine, a comparison which usually results in frustration or guilt, depending on the situation. Either way, it never ends well.

A motto I have learned to live by: "Fake it until you make it". I feel ashamed to admit it, but occasionally I fake this positive facade. But I think that's okay; it usually only takes a little while before I become more genuine. And this way, I don't hurt anyone's feelings or bring anyone down. Despite what they say, misery doesn't always love company! (And, despite what Ryan says, sometimes I can be a very convincing actress...)

And positive thinking is a choice.

So every day, I'll make that choice. When I have a tough day, I'll wake up the next morning and make it again. When someone unintentionally says something discouraging, I'll encourage myself. And, when all else fails, I'll fake it.

And those times I just can't do it? I'll get through: whether it is taking a long shower, shedding tears in the car, shutting the door to my office, or purging those selfish feelings on here, I'll conquer it somehow. That's what everyone else is doing... fighting their demons one at a time. For we all will have them; no one is exempt!

Can you choose to be positive? What other choice is there...


Side note: I just reread this journal entry and, wow, I was brutally honest. I reconsidered posting it, but then stopped myself. If I truly want to record this experience, I have to do it 100%, warts and all. Otherwise, what was the point?

1 comment:

Robby and Katie said...

I love reading your entries. Thank you for honestly sharing your feelings. I am choosing to have a better day after reading this. I know that I have to consciously make the choice to be happy each day, and then try not to beat myself up when I have a day where I am the devil woman! The hardest part is the guilt. We all have those moments whatever our situation. Thank you for sharing. We love you! Katie