Monday, November 22, 2010

I Survived.

All my life, I wanted to be done having kids by 30. This is why I talked my apprehensive husband into letting me stop birth control at 23. I wanted 4 children and expected to spend my twenties barefoot and pregnant.

As infertility reared its ugly head, I became nervous about my “done at 30” goal. It’s seemed possible I wouldn’t be done by 30 after all.

Then, as years went by, I started to become worried I wouldn’t have even started by the time I was 30. For someone with my background, culture, and life goals, this thought was devastating. How could I reach age 30 without even starting (what I hoped would be) my medium-sized family??? (Yes, 4 kids is medium for Mormons, even in today’s world.)

This fear became greater as the birthdays clicked by… 26… 27…28…29… I just knew I would not survive turning 30 without becoming a mother first. But I couldn’t stop the clock.

Finally, my 30th birthday came. I was not a mother. I was not pregnant. I had no adoption profile.

I got up, got ready, and went about my day.

In short, I survived.

The earth did not swallow me up in misery and total despair. I had a regular day. In fact, I had a nice day. And life went on.

Today I turn 31. I had hoped beyond hope that I would be a mother by today.

I’m not.

But I still got up, go ready, and went about my day.

I survived. :)


Hope said...


I had set goals for myself in terms of how young I wanted to be when I had my kids, too. I really hear you. It is so hard to watch those years go by and not be a mother. As you so aptly put it, we do survive. But it isn't fun.

I hope that this year is your year. I hope things start to fall into place for you soon. Happy Birthday:) I hope you find somethings to enjoy today, in spite of everything you don't have.

I'm sorry you've had to go through this. It must be so hard in your community to not have children yet. Sending more (((hugs))) and lots of love.

Hillary said...

Happy Birthday, and go you for having such a great attitude! It's hard as a Mormon to watch yourself age without ticking off the live achievements you always thought you would. I know it might not be comforting, but this is what I tell myself: look at the rest of the world. To them, 30 is so young, and most people are just thinking of marriage by then. You are at an age when many people just barely think about having a family.

It doesn't change how painful it is, and I know it's not really a good thing to compare yourself to others--but I still do it. Even though it's a small thing, somehow I feel better knowing that I (hopefully, someday) won't be the oldest mom dropping her kid off to kindergarten.

Stephanie said...

Happy birthday! I'm glad you had the strength to pick yourself up today and hopefully enjoy a day all about YOU!

Michele said...

Happy Birthday :)

Big hugs...

Chhandita said...

Happy Birthday Girl..You are a survivor for sure...(hugs)

Surely said...

I'm glad you had an enjoyable day. I know how difficult some of these milestones and "special days" can be. I thought i would be done by 30 too!! Happy Birthday!!

Hillary said...

Happy birthday! Thanks for this post - I fear my fast approaching 30th only because of my infertile/ childless state - so it's encouraging to know you survived. :)

Liz said...

Happy Birthday!! I will be thinking about you today and hoping you had wonderful birthday.

P.S. Sometimes all you can do is get up and go about the day. It will be better!!

A said...

I, too, had planned to have kids at 26, 28, and 30, being done by the time I am as old as I am now :-P Birthdays aren't the same anymore...

Malachi and Layne said...

You are so Strong! Happy Bithday!