Thursday, November 4, 2010


I guess the spotting yesterday that looked identical to the implantation bleeding I experienced last time... wasn't.

I was really angry last night after I tested. I was going into testing day clueless about the outcome. I was prepared to accept a negative result, UNTIL I got that spotting. Then I allowed myself to believe and was crushed when I saw that single pink line.

I do not understand why I was put in that position. "Everything happens for a reason." I can see that in most things with this struggle, but not this. I didn't see any purpose to getting my hopes sky high and crushing them down. It felt like a mean joke.

It was a rough night.

This morning the spotting started again and now I see it was my period breaking through. I'll need to ask about that, as the Prometrium is supposed to prevent this from happening.

The scariest thought I've had over the last 12 hours? What if last month was the only time I'll ever get pregnant? What if I am one of those girls who gets pregnant once, miscarries, and is never pregnant again? I know it happens; these women survive and eventually move on. But that is a future I'm not ready to imagine...

To read all the posts from this treatment cycle, CLICK HERE.


Savannah said...

:( I'm sorry.

Luna said...

I'm sorry too. And stop thinking those yucky thoughts! It wasn't that long ago that you wrote the post about your headaches, and remembering that woman holding the little machine! You are miles ahead of her. I know it still hurts, but you aren't busted yet! Take some time to grieve and be sad for this cycle, but remember who you are and who you are becoming. That is amazing and that means amazing things are on the way for YOU (and Ryan)

Baby said...

I am so sorry! After my 2nd IUI I was convinced that I had implantation bleeding. I was so sure that it was a positive sign that I didn't even blog about it out of fear of jinxing things. And then it ended in a BFP. It felt like my body was just playing with me.

I really hope that you do get pregnant, SOON, with a sticky baby!!

BTW, I cannot figure out how to change the name that shows up up there... it's not supposed to be "Baby," but rather No Baby Ruth.

Christine Dallimore said...

Tears. Those body tricks are extra cruel and hard to deal with. It's just so flustering and heartbreaking. I wish we knew each other better so I could come over give you a big 'ol hug and bring you a fabulous chick flick movie and comfort food. Just know I am praying for you endlessly and HATE reading all that you are enduring. Your strength is amazing and I know you are helping SO many others by sharing your experience just as you have helped me this past year. {{Sending HUGS}}

Browniris said...

I'm so sorry about the BFN...I know how bad they hurt, especially when your hopes are up. Big hugs!

Hope said...

I'm so sorry about your BFN, especially after the spotting got your hopes up. It can be so depressing. Sending you lots of (((hugs))). Just try to get through one day at a time (or one minute at a time). Distract yourself if you can.

A said...

I am so sorry about the BFN. I agree, it is so hard to imagine a (good) reason why we have to be on such a steep roller coaster of hope and despair. Hang in there- I'm praying for you!

Christine Dallimore said...

Me again! Thank you so much for your sweet comment on my blog. It's a post I have been wanting to write forever now...but have been chicken! As always feel free to link whatever you like from my blog. You know I love yours....Oh but I still just hate what you are enduring. Your name is in the Rexburg and Idaho Falls temples (your hubby was of course included too).