Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Working Infertile

Work has become a very hard place to be.

It’s no one’s fault. If it were anyone’s fault, it would be mine.

I work at a small office full of young people. There are 7 of us and, besides the boss, the oldest one is 32. When you get a group of people in their late 20s and early 30s, you inevitably get a bunch of people starting their families.

I started working here in 2004. At that time, I had been trying to conceive for about a year, and for the first four years, none of us “young kids” had any children.

Over the last 2 years, all that has changed… One employee has had 2 children, another one just gave birth to her first child, and we hired an employee who is a new father to twins. Even the boss delights in being a grandfather.

It is rough! Every day, I see others rejoice in the one blessing I desire that never comes. I hear clients down the hall gushing over baby pictures, asking for updates, and laughing at all the adventures that come with new parenthood. I hear complaints about lack of sleep and find baby pictures in my email box. On good days, it is hard. On bad days, it’s devastating.

I was used to church being a difficult place to be, with children running around everywhere, pregnant SAHMs, and the constant reminder that “motherhood is your ultimate calling”. After a while, I learned being with friends wasn’t always a safe place, as they add baby after baby to their families, while the list of common ground gets shorter and shorter. Now work is another place where I can’t get away from the constant baby parade.

I start to daydream about walking out the door and never coming back. I do mental calculations… could we afford to live on Ryan’s income alone? I become sad because all of the years of hard work to develop this career seem worthless if I hate being here.

But then I have a client meeting. Just me and a single person or a couple. We talk and laugh and at the end, I feel like I did something to help their situation. And that gives me the strength to come back the next day.

I am fortunate in so many ways. I like helping people and I am able to do that as a planner. I have a boss that has a good heart. I have one co-worker (and a former co-worker) who will selflessly listen to me ramble and complain. I have a flexible schedule that lets me work from home 4 days a month or so. Not to mention, the money I earn at this job allows me to do the fertility treatments that might bring me motherhood.

So I take a deep breath, put my head down and get through it.

And remind myself it can’t be this way forever…


Cindy said...

Oh my word. I just stumbled on your blog- I can totally relate to where you're at. 2 ladies are pregnant at work and another 2 at church... It's such a hard place to be in the midst of friends having babies. You want to rejoice with them, but it's so stinkin hard. I'll be thinking of you. Praying God gives you strength you can't understand in the midst of this hard time at work...

I love your faith quote by the way- so good, so true!!

A said...

I don't work in an office, but there are so many public places where I totally identify with what you're saying. It seems like everyone is pregnant or having toddlers in tow. You are not alone feeling this way!!

Hope said...

I can relate, too. I don't have any advice, but I'm thinking of you and sending you love and peace. I think that IF/RPL are intrinsically lonely experiences, and I haven't found any way around that, yet. (((hugs)))

Luna said...

That is just crummy! I am so sorry!

Mrs. Lydon said...

I am sorry it is in your line of vision everyday. I understand how that feels, one of my coworkers got preg the week after me, I miscarried at 7wk and she is still going strong. It is hard to see them hitthe milestones we were hoping to hit but wont. If you'd like to follow my blog...I just joined a pegnancy loss support group in my area and am already getting answers to so many questions (a lot of them I didnt realize I was asking). Best of luck ((HUGS))

Patiently Seeking Style said...

MC, I've been naughty and have not been keeping up with your "ramblings" - I apologize. I do want you to remember something...Even though you can't come in and close the door to my office, you can still close the door to yours and call. I miss knowing what is going on with you and I must be better about keeping up. Can't wait to see you Monday! <3