Monday, January 3, 2011

This is What Hope Does to a Person

In the last month or so, I have had many experiences that have given me new hope. I feel as certain as I ever have that I will be a mother someday. It's not if, it's when. And how!

Soon after I first felt the reassurance that motherhood would happen someday, I broke {my} number one rule of infertility... I bought something for our future baby. In 7 1/2 years of trying to have a child, I have NEVER purchased anything baby-related. I don't think it was a conscious thing; I just never felt confident enough to "go there".

Recently, there was a commercial on TV for AT&T (I believe). Everyone is riding around town on giant computer mouses (mice?). The main guy in the commercial is wearing a "Rush" t-shirt (one of Ryan's favorite rock bands). He rides his mouse into a music store and purchases a little "Rush" onesie to match his t-shirt. Ryan pointed out the commercial to me and, literally, the day after I received that spiritual confirmation of eventual motherhood, I bought Ryan that t-shirt along with... you guessed it... the matching onesie.

Once the package came in the mail, and I saw that teeny-tiny little shirt, I have had this urge to purchase itty-bitty pieces of clothing. I've been able to resist, for the most part.

But today, I ran to the store to grab a few things and I saw a display of baby clothes. They were only $2. I walked on past at first, but as I walked back by again, I had to stop. They weren't anything special, just little tiny clothes. I tried to keep walking, but they were only $2 and, try as I may... I couldn't help myself.

(As you can see, I'm covering my basis. Ready to go either way.)

In the past, this would feel like I was setting myself up for disappointment. For some reason, it doesn't feel that way now. Now I just think of them as little good luck charms. I hope I am not proven wrong.

Hope can be a wonderful thing. I know it can also be dangerous. But for now, I am sticking with wonderful. :)


Dani said...

That is totally not a bad thing!! I've done that for years, every time justifying it with "I'll give it as a baby gift if I don't use it" and even now when I pull out those clothes I bought years ago.. I still love them. THOSE LITTLE BITTIES YOU BOUGHT ARE GOING TO BE USED BY YOU! I can just feel it. :)

Luna said...

I think it is wonderful that you bought a few things! It is a good thing to walk through the fear to the other side, hope. And as far as I know there is no correlation between shopping and infertility. So buy as many baby clothes as you want! I would take your budget into consideration though ;-)

elliespen said...

I see absolutely nothing wrong with this. When we go on vacation we limit our souvenir spending to two categories: Christmas ornaments and baby gifts. So we had a collection of baby items just packed away for nearly six and a half years before we got to use any of them. But it helped me, somehow, to think that we did have some things ready for the time when our children finally would arrive.

Mrs. Bushey said...

I've been buying cute baby things for years. My reasoning was I WILL need them someday, just not today.

Shannon said...

I think it looks like you are going to end up with one of each!

Poduska Family said...

I LOVE that you did this! (And I love the matching Rush outfits)