In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I wanted to share this poem. I am working on each and every line, but especially the last one.
How to Celebrate Thanksgiving
Author Unknown
Count your blessings instead of your crosses;
Count your gains instead of your losses.
Count your joys instead of your woes;
Count your friends instead of your foes.
Count your smiles instead of your tears;
Count your courage instead of your fears.
Count your full years instead of your lean;
Count your kind deeds instead of your mean.
Count your health instead of your wealth;
Count on God instead of yourself.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
29 Things Infertility Is Teaching Me
Yesterday was my birthday. Last year, when I turned 28, I wrote about 28 Reasons to Smile - Things I Am Grateful For.
In celebration of my 29th birthday, I am attempting the ultimate task: 29 Things Infertility Is Teaching Me.
And here we go (in no particular order):
1. Good people say stupid things. Stupid people say stupid things. Forgive the good ones, and dismiss the stupid ones.
2. Holidays aren't a happy time for everyone.
3. Even though people experience different trials, many of the feelings and emotions are exactly the same.
4. Cats make great friends.
5. Patience is truly a virtue.
6. Be sensitive about what another might be going through, but don't treat them differently. They already feel different enough.
7. You are not to blame for your infertility, no matter what people say. You are not infertile because God is punishing you. You are not keeping yourself from pregnancy because you can't "relax".
8. While events like baby showers are wonderful for most, they are painful for some, no matter what precautions are taken. It's a fact and nothing can change it.
9. God never abandons you; you abandon Him.
10. Music can speak louder than 1000 words.
11. Force yourself to look at people's intentions, rather than their actions. It doesn't always help, but it does sometimes.
12. Doctors don't know everything.
13. Sometimes having faith is harder than you'd think, but so worth it.
14. You have the power to choose who you let in.
15. There will always be setbacks. Things rarely turn out as planned.
16. Try to enjoy the time alone with your husband, but it's okay to be annoyed when people tell you to do that.
17. It's acceptable to be angry, even pissed, about the place you are in your life. Just don't get stuck there for too long.
18. Therapy is a good thing, and not indicitive of a lack of strength.
19. Sometimes, you just don't want to be around kids, simply because it's too hard. But that doesn't make you a bad person.
20. Be careful with jealousy. It may seem another person has it all, but they may soon experience (or may be experiencing) something you wouldn't wish on anyone. You don't want to think (or say) something you'll regret.
21. Avoid dreamcrushers.
22. No matter what your current situation, there are people out there that would call you lucky.
23. It is okay to grieve infertility. It is just as much a loss as anything else.
24. You can miss people you've never met.
25. We typically compare our weaknesses to other people's strengths. This is not a fair comparison.
26. Take care of yourself, even if it means being greedy with your time, energy or emotions.
27. Every baby is a miracle.
28. You will never be the same person you were before, but you can learn to love the new you.
29. You will survive this, and be stronger on the other side. The love and appreciation you will have for your babies will be incalculable. Believe it or not, this will all be worth it in the end.
In celebration of my 29th birthday, I am attempting the ultimate task: 29 Things Infertility Is Teaching Me.
And here we go (in no particular order):
1. Good people say stupid things. Stupid people say stupid things. Forgive the good ones, and dismiss the stupid ones.
2. Holidays aren't a happy time for everyone.
3. Even though people experience different trials, many of the feelings and emotions are exactly the same.
4. Cats make great friends.
5. Patience is truly a virtue.
6. Be sensitive about what another might be going through, but don't treat them differently. They already feel different enough.
7. You are not to blame for your infertility, no matter what people say. You are not infertile because God is punishing you. You are not keeping yourself from pregnancy because you can't "relax".
8. While events like baby showers are wonderful for most, they are painful for some, no matter what precautions are taken. It's a fact and nothing can change it.
9. God never abandons you; you abandon Him.
10. Music can speak louder than 1000 words.
11. Force yourself to look at people's intentions, rather than their actions. It doesn't always help, but it does sometimes.
12. Doctors don't know everything.
13. Sometimes having faith is harder than you'd think, but so worth it.
14. You have the power to choose who you let in.
15. There will always be setbacks. Things rarely turn out as planned.
16. Try to enjoy the time alone with your husband, but it's okay to be annoyed when people tell you to do that.
17. It's acceptable to be angry, even pissed, about the place you are in your life. Just don't get stuck there for too long.
18. Therapy is a good thing, and not indicitive of a lack of strength.
19. Sometimes, you just don't want to be around kids, simply because it's too hard. But that doesn't make you a bad person.
20. Be careful with jealousy. It may seem another person has it all, but they may soon experience (or may be experiencing) something you wouldn't wish on anyone. You don't want to think (or say) something you'll regret.
21. Avoid dreamcrushers.
22. No matter what your current situation, there are people out there that would call you lucky.
23. It is okay to grieve infertility. It is just as much a loss as anything else.
24. You can miss people you've never met.
25. We typically compare our weaknesses to other people's strengths. This is not a fair comparison.
26. Take care of yourself, even if it means being greedy with your time, energy or emotions.
27. Every baby is a miracle.
28. You will never be the same person you were before, but you can learn to love the new you.
29. You will survive this, and be stronger on the other side. The love and appreciation you will have for your babies will be incalculable. Believe it or not, this will all be worth it in the end.
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart;
and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways, acknowledge Him,
and He shall direct thy paths.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Oh, the narcissism!
I love when people make assumptions and think they know me.
I can't control other's actions, but I can control my own.
Sometimes, I am just floored by the egotism and lack of class exhibited by others. Especially those whom I have moved heaven and earth to make their life easier.
Experiences such as these remind me how blessed I am to have true and wonderful friends, people with compassionate and tender hearts. They also help me to realize that I can choose who I let into my life, and who I leave behind.
And now... I am letting it go!
I can't control other's actions, but I can control my own.
Sometimes, I am just floored by the egotism and lack of class exhibited by others. Especially those whom I have moved heaven and earth to make their life easier.
Experiences such as these remind me how blessed I am to have true and wonderful friends, people with compassionate and tender hearts. They also help me to realize that I can choose who I let into my life, and who I leave behind.
And now... I am letting it go!
Friday, November 14, 2008
Dead Cat Bouncing
This week, I learned about a term used in the investment world known as the 'dead cat bounce'. Now, the visual is pretty harsh (I don't like thinking about dead cats bouncing... or dead cats at all actually...), but the term describes a falling stock market that rapidly rebounds, only to drop again.
Well, this week I felt like I had my own dead cat bounce. Several weeks ago, I had a very spiritual experience that brought me closer to God, and gave me a bit of peace for the first time in a while. Compared to the darkness that loomed over me for the last several months, I was on the rise.
Then, a sequence of events happened at work. Because of circumstances beyond anyone's control, I saw my career progress screeching to a halt for the unforeseeable future. Between drops in the market and losing a staff member permanently, I no longer have the speedy timeline I was hoping for. No big deal, except that the entire financial aspect of my 2009 Plan was dependant on the immediate progress of my career.
I felt like I was just starting to pull myself out of a hole, when a big hand came down and flicked me back in.
Mostly, I felt silly for believing that this was really it, that things were actually going to change. Now, I know change will come someday, but I hate not knowing when. I'm a planner... so much so that I chose it for a career. Why am I so great at planning everyone else's success but my own?
So many times, so many plans, so many years, and I'm still waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting. So many "if this, than finally that", praying for the if's and never seeing the that's. I wonder if I read all my blog entries over the last few years, how many 'plans' I wrote about that never worked out. Depressing.
And that's why I don't read old entries!
Anyway, on the day when my plans came crashing down (a bit dramatic, I know), I drove myself home from work in tears. Because of my recent experience gaining comfort through spiritual music, I threw in my Jenny Phillips CD.
A first, I resented every word she sang. I didn't want to hear it! But I kept listening and soon a song I had never heard before began to play...
Like a ship that's worn, with a sail so torn,
drifting out to sea,
the wind is blowing in, and you're tossed again.
Is it time to leap behind the ship,
and walk to Him?
The anchor's gone, you're moving on
further from His arms.
Go to Him. Face the wind.
If you trust enough, His mighty love
will get you through.
Do you believe that the seas
will hold your feet if you go?
Close your eyes, feel Him in sight,
walk to what you know is true.
And He will not fail you.
Give up your fear. Let go of doubt.
Lay down your load. Let it go.
As I listened to the words, I imagined the Apostle Peter and the incredible faith he had as he stepped off that boat onto the water, and walked toward Jesus.
Right now, I don't have the faith to step off that boat. I am still clinging to the edge: scared, doubtful and tossed around. But I am working on it. Someday, I hope I can let go. I can imagine how wonderful that would feel.
In the meantime, maybe 'dead cat bounce' is not the best way to describe this week. Maybe I just took a tumble and had a rough landing. If that is the case than someday, in true cat-like form, I'll have to land on my feet. Right?
And the journey continues...
----------------------------------
Well, this week I felt like I had my own dead cat bounce. Several weeks ago, I had a very spiritual experience that brought me closer to God, and gave me a bit of peace for the first time in a while. Compared to the darkness that loomed over me for the last several months, I was on the rise.
Then, a sequence of events happened at work. Because of circumstances beyond anyone's control, I saw my career progress screeching to a halt for the unforeseeable future. Between drops in the market and losing a staff member permanently, I no longer have the speedy timeline I was hoping for. No big deal, except that the entire financial aspect of my 2009 Plan was dependant on the immediate progress of my career.
I felt like I was just starting to pull myself out of a hole, when a big hand came down and flicked me back in.
Mostly, I felt silly for believing that this was really it, that things were actually going to change. Now, I know change will come someday, but I hate not knowing when. I'm a planner... so much so that I chose it for a career. Why am I so great at planning everyone else's success but my own?
So many times, so many plans, so many years, and I'm still waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting. So many "if this, than finally that", praying for the if's and never seeing the that's. I wonder if I read all my blog entries over the last few years, how many 'plans' I wrote about that never worked out. Depressing.
And that's why I don't read old entries!
Anyway, on the day when my plans came crashing down (a bit dramatic, I know), I drove myself home from work in tears. Because of my recent experience gaining comfort through spiritual music, I threw in my Jenny Phillips CD.
A first, I resented every word she sang. I didn't want to hear it! But I kept listening and soon a song I had never heard before began to play...
Like a ship that's worn, with a sail so torn,
drifting out to sea,
the wind is blowing in, and you're tossed again.
Is it time to leap behind the ship,
and walk to Him?
The anchor's gone, you're moving on
further from His arms.
Go to Him. Face the wind.
If you trust enough, His mighty love
will get you through.
Do you believe that the seas
will hold your feet if you go?
Close your eyes, feel Him in sight,
walk to what you know is true.
And He will not fail you.
Give up your fear. Let go of doubt.
Lay down your load. Let it go.
As I listened to the words, I imagined the Apostle Peter and the incredible faith he had as he stepped off that boat onto the water, and walked toward Jesus.
Right now, I don't have the faith to step off that boat. I am still clinging to the edge: scared, doubtful and tossed around. But I am working on it. Someday, I hope I can let go. I can imagine how wonderful that would feel.
In the meantime, maybe 'dead cat bounce' is not the best way to describe this week. Maybe I just took a tumble and had a rough landing. If that is the case than someday, in true cat-like form, I'll have to land on my feet. Right?
And the journey continues...
----------------------------------
Life and its troubles can do one of two things.
It can make you better or bitter.
I have experienced both,
and better is better.
Friday, November 7, 2008
The End
It's always okay in the end.
So if it's not okay, than it's not the end.
This quote was in our recent youth musical and
it's been on my mind ever since.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Always By Your Side
I have written recently about my struggling relationship with God. I am having a hard time coming to terms with my infertility, and that has lead to anger and hopelessness. It has sometimes seemed God was very far away.
I have always felt that I was put on this earth to be a mother. When that didn't happen, I felt empty, like half a person. All around me, women were becoming mothers, realizing the glory of their creation. Meanwhile, I was there watching on the sidelines. I felt forgotten, tarnished, passed over, not good enough.
Tonight, I attended our church youth musical. As I listened to the words of one of the songs, my heart began to pound deep in my chest. I felt my eyes sting with tears. I could have broken down and sobbed right there.
I felt closer to God at that moment than I have in a long time. Suddenly, no one else was in the room. I felt a warm glow, like the song was written for me.
I truly feel like tonight was the first step in healing my relationship with my Heavenly Father. I still have a ways to go, but He reached out and touched me. He let me know He is there with me always, even when I choose not to see Him.
I hope this feeling stays for a while.
---------------------------------
Press ► to play music
You look around you
And you wonder if
you’ll ever measure up
In this world it seems
you may never be enough
Don’t let anyone convince you that it’s true
So much beauty lives inside of you
And you are enough
Just look up
Remember you are greatest
When you walk with God
When His light is in your eyes
You are truly strong
You don’t have to prove your beauty
In the eyes of men
You are divine within
You were sent here to become like Him
When you’re uncertain
Of the place you hold
and who you are inside
He will share with you
your part in His design
Seek for His meekness
Seek to emulate His life
And you will feel Him
always by your side
You have His love
Just look up
Remember you are greatest
When you walk with God
When His light is in your eyes
You are truly strong
You don’t have to prove your beauty
In the eyes of men
You are divine within
You were sent here to become like Him
Holiness and love, good works, mercy
To be like Him
Charity, hope, truth, and wisdom
To be like Him
I have always felt that I was put on this earth to be a mother. When that didn't happen, I felt empty, like half a person. All around me, women were becoming mothers, realizing the glory of their creation. Meanwhile, I was there watching on the sidelines. I felt forgotten, tarnished, passed over, not good enough.
Tonight, I attended our church youth musical. As I listened to the words of one of the songs, my heart began to pound deep in my chest. I felt my eyes sting with tears. I could have broken down and sobbed right there.
I felt closer to God at that moment than I have in a long time. Suddenly, no one else was in the room. I felt a warm glow, like the song was written for me.
I truly feel like tonight was the first step in healing my relationship with my Heavenly Father. I still have a ways to go, but He reached out and touched me. He let me know He is there with me always, even when I choose not to see Him.
I hope this feeling stays for a while.
---------------------------------
Press ► to play music
You look around you
And you wonder if
you’ll ever measure up
In this world it seems
you may never be enough
Don’t let anyone convince you that it’s true
So much beauty lives inside of you
And you are enough
Just look up
Remember you are greatest
When you walk with God
When His light is in your eyes
You are truly strong
You don’t have to prove your beauty
In the eyes of men
You are divine within
You were sent here to become like Him
When you’re uncertain
Of the place you hold
and who you are inside
He will share with you
your part in His design
Seek for His meekness
Seek to emulate His life
And you will feel Him
always by your side
You have His love
Just look up
Remember you are greatest
When you walk with God
When His light is in your eyes
You are truly strong
You don’t have to prove your beauty
In the eyes of men
You are divine within
You were sent here to become like Him
Holiness and love, good works, mercy
To be like Him
Charity, hope, truth, and wisdom
To be like Him
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Life's Little Gifts
I had an amazing time with my husband the last two nights. We didn't do anything particularly unusual, just spent time alone together, him and me. What we shared would not have been possible with children running around the house. This is one of those times I am choosing to be grateful for the place I am right now.
On My Own
Here is a tip that I have learned over the past five years. When someone is going through a difficult time, never tell them how they should be handling their trial. Believe me, they know, and they are already handling it the best way they can.
They know that they should be grateful for all the wonderful things in their life, but occasionally there are moments that this is clouded with pain. They know that this too will pass, but sometimes this realization is covered by fear. They know that there are worse things in this world that they could experience, but every now and then this thought is crowded out by the magnitude of what they are going through right now.
I don’t think there has ever been a case that someone’s life turned around because they were told to ‘get over it’. There comes a point where you have to let people work through issues on their own. You can be supportive or lend a listening ear, but you don’t have to solve it for them.
I know it may make you feel better to give them guidance and advice. And those things are fine, as long as you have been ‘in the trenches’ with them. But if you are an outside observer, or are not close to them, think hard before you make a judgment. Your good intentions could backfire.
I have been on the receiving end of such casual comments or ‘suggestions’, by people who hardly know me. Just for the record, I realize that there are others out there with problems so massive that mine seem insignificant. When I feel sorry for myself in spite of this, I am fully aware that this is the wrong decision, and I heap enough guilt on myself because of it. I look at someone who has lost a loved one, or is battling a life-threatening illness, and I recognize the magnitude of their burden compared to mine. I know these things, and hearing them again from you only splits open a wound I am trying desperately to close.
Infertility is a loss. It is the loss of a dream, the loss of your identity, the loss of the life you always pictured. With that loss come true stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Some days, it is a mix of many stages, and I have cycled through the first four many times trying to achieve number five.
So, let me work this out. Perhaps I feel angry? Let me feel that way. It’s good for me to try and work through that.
I could compare this to a chick hatching from its egg. Supposedly, if you help the chick break through, she will die. It is in the struggle of emerging from the egg that the chick finds the strength for survival. I am looking for that strength, and I need people outside cheering me on, or at least watching quietly, not someone yanking my shell away before I am ready to hatch.
I will get there; just be patient. If you can’t handle the wait then move along. I will meet you on the other side.
---------------------------------
They know that they should be grateful for all the wonderful things in their life, but occasionally there are moments that this is clouded with pain. They know that this too will pass, but sometimes this realization is covered by fear. They know that there are worse things in this world that they could experience, but every now and then this thought is crowded out by the magnitude of what they are going through right now.
I don’t think there has ever been a case that someone’s life turned around because they were told to ‘get over it’. There comes a point where you have to let people work through issues on their own. You can be supportive or lend a listening ear, but you don’t have to solve it for them.
I know it may make you feel better to give them guidance and advice. And those things are fine, as long as you have been ‘in the trenches’ with them. But if you are an outside observer, or are not close to them, think hard before you make a judgment. Your good intentions could backfire.
I have been on the receiving end of such casual comments or ‘suggestions’, by people who hardly know me. Just for the record, I realize that there are others out there with problems so massive that mine seem insignificant. When I feel sorry for myself in spite of this, I am fully aware that this is the wrong decision, and I heap enough guilt on myself because of it. I look at someone who has lost a loved one, or is battling a life-threatening illness, and I recognize the magnitude of their burden compared to mine. I know these things, and hearing them again from you only splits open a wound I am trying desperately to close.
Infertility is a loss. It is the loss of a dream, the loss of your identity, the loss of the life you always pictured. With that loss come true stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Some days, it is a mix of many stages, and I have cycled through the first four many times trying to achieve number five.
So, let me work this out. Perhaps I feel angry? Let me feel that way. It’s good for me to try and work through that.
I could compare this to a chick hatching from its egg. Supposedly, if you help the chick break through, she will die. It is in the struggle of emerging from the egg that the chick finds the strength for survival. I am looking for that strength, and I need people outside cheering me on, or at least watching quietly, not someone yanking my shell away before I am ready to hatch.
I will get there; just be patient. If you can’t handle the wait then move along. I will meet you on the other side.
---------------------------------
I know you said
Can't you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it
Forgive? Sounds good.
Forget? I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting…
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