Life is all about perception. How do we choose to look at our situation? Half-full or half-empty?
Half-empty: This new treatment I am pursuing (Follistim injectables with an IUI) has an 18% success rate. This means out of 100 couples who do this treatment, 82 of them will not be successful. I could become pregnant with this treatment, but it is much more likely that I will come out of this with no baby.
Half-full: Without treatment, Ryan and I have less than 1% chance of conceiving. With the treatment, our chances are 18%. I could interpret that to mean that we are 1700% more likely to get pregnant this month than in previous months. That is quite an increase!
The half-empty side is quite depressing. I don’t want to be one of those 82 people left disappointed at the end of the month.
However, I can’t help but feel a rush of excitement whenever I think of the half-full scenario.
So for now I am choosing to be half-full. After years of waiting, I am trying to enjoy feeling hopeful again.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Day 1 of Stims
This morning, I did my first injection of Follistim. It was a bit stressful loading the injection pen and making sure everything was put together right while keeping it all sanitary. Ryan was there with me, providing commentary along the way.
When it came time to actually do the injection, I have to say I'm a bit embarrassed about how I dealt with it. It took about 10 minutes to get myself to do it. Ever since a traumatic event giving blood as a child, I have had a fear of needles. Infertility has helped to ease that phobia. I've experienced my share of needles, and even gave blood a while back (although I nearly passed out - but I did it).
For some reason though, all those phobias came back this morning. For the life of me, I could not get myself to put that needle in my stomach! And, believe me, that needle is tiny. It is nothing to be scared of. Even so, I tried and chickened out over and over. I was sick to my stomach, light-headed and my hands were seriously sweating. Ryan tried to take over, but I wouldn't let him. It was quite a process, and I felt like a total loser.
Finally, I did it, and it was no big deal (of course).
As far as side effects, I didn't know what to expect. People told horror stories about Clomid, but I had no real symptoms. I think the Follistim is going to be different. The burning immediately afterward was very strong. As the day wore on, my stomach became increasingly sore and I began to get these radiating pains from my abdomen down into my upper thighs. It makes me a tad nervous about tomorrow's shot, as my mid-section is already feeling like one big bruise.
Not that I'm complaining. Of course, this is all SO worth it, and something I have waited to do for (literally) years. Progress is the best feeling in the world, and I am blessed to be making this next step. I am nearly giddy with excitement and full of hope.
When it came time to actually do the injection, I have to say I'm a bit embarrassed about how I dealt with it. It took about 10 minutes to get myself to do it. Ever since a traumatic event giving blood as a child, I have had a fear of needles. Infertility has helped to ease that phobia. I've experienced my share of needles, and even gave blood a while back (although I nearly passed out - but I did it).
For some reason though, all those phobias came back this morning. For the life of me, I could not get myself to put that needle in my stomach! And, believe me, that needle is tiny. It is nothing to be scared of. Even so, I tried and chickened out over and over. I was sick to my stomach, light-headed and my hands were seriously sweating. Ryan tried to take over, but I wouldn't let him. It was quite a process, and I felt like a total loser.
Finally, I did it, and it was no big deal (of course).
As far as side effects, I didn't know what to expect. People told horror stories about Clomid, but I had no real symptoms. I think the Follistim is going to be different. The burning immediately afterward was very strong. As the day wore on, my stomach became increasingly sore and I began to get these radiating pains from my abdomen down into my upper thighs. It makes me a tad nervous about tomorrow's shot, as my mid-section is already feeling like one big bruise.
Not that I'm complaining. Of course, this is all SO worth it, and something I have waited to do for (literally) years. Progress is the best feeling in the world, and I am blessed to be making this next step. I am nearly giddy with excitement and full of hope.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Over the Rainbow
Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high,
There's a land that I dreamed of
Once in a lullaby.
Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.
Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.
Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can't I?
If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?
This is known as a “child’s” song, from a movie that could be considered a “child’s” movie. Having said that, I’m not sure I ever truly understood these words until recently. Someday, I hope to wake up where the clouds of infertility, loneliness and regret are far behind me. Motherhood is a land I have only dreamt of, and I can only imagine what awaits me there.
Way up high,
There's a land that I dreamed of
Once in a lullaby.
Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.
Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.
Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can't I?
If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?
This is known as a “child’s” song, from a movie that could be considered a “child’s” movie. Having said that, I’m not sure I ever truly understood these words until recently. Someday, I hope to wake up where the clouds of infertility, loneliness and regret are far behind me. Motherhood is a land I have only dreamt of, and I can only imagine what awaits me there.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Base Ultrasound
Much as I expected, I started this cycle on Sunday the 4th, which meant I was at Girls Camp during the time I was supposed to have my first ultrasound. So, we ended up going with Plan B, and I took birth control for one week.
Today, I went into the doctor's for my base ultrasound. Hillary took care of us. There were no cysts (yay!) and everything looked great. I had so many black spots inside my ovaries on the ultrasound. Each black spot is a sort-of "pre-follicle" and I had a ton of them! At least ten on my right and more than five on my left.
Because of these fantastic results, we are going with a low dose of hormones. (We were going to use Gonal-f, but it looks like now we will be using Follistim instead. It is basically the same thing.) My dose is 75iu a day. I'll begin the injections on Saturday, July 17th in the morning, and continue them for six days. The sixth day is Thursday the 22nd.
That morning, I'll give myself the last injection and then head to my next ultrasound. At that time, we'll see if the drugs worked and if we're ready for the next step.
The best part of the day, was that Ryan came with me to the appointment. Even though he worked the night before, and even though he works tonight. Even though he was tired, and even though we waited nearly an hour in the lobby. Even though the room was cramped, and even though it was awkward so close to a 'vaginal ultrasound'. He did it all for me and I was so, so grateful!
FINANCE UPDATE: I just ordered the Follistim and Ovidrel at a cost of $600. Today's ultrasound was $95 and the Prometrium (Progesterone supplements) was $35. Of course, I had to buy some preggo tests online, at a cost of $30. Prenatals and baby aspirin were about $25. Cycle total to date: $785.
Today, I went into the doctor's for my base ultrasound. Hillary took care of us. There were no cysts (yay!) and everything looked great. I had so many black spots inside my ovaries on the ultrasound. Each black spot is a sort-of "pre-follicle" and I had a ton of them! At least ten on my right and more than five on my left.
Because of these fantastic results, we are going with a low dose of hormones. (We were going to use Gonal-f, but it looks like now we will be using Follistim instead. It is basically the same thing.) My dose is 75iu a day. I'll begin the injections on Saturday, July 17th in the morning, and continue them for six days. The sixth day is Thursday the 22nd.
That morning, I'll give myself the last injection and then head to my next ultrasound. At that time, we'll see if the drugs worked and if we're ready for the next step.
The best part of the day, was that Ryan came with me to the appointment. Even though he worked the night before, and even though he works tonight. Even though he was tired, and even though we waited nearly an hour in the lobby. Even though the room was cramped, and even though it was awkward so close to a 'vaginal ultrasound'. He did it all for me and I was so, so grateful!
FINANCE UPDATE: I just ordered the Follistim and Ovidrel at a cost of $600. Today's ultrasound was $95 and the Prometrium (Progesterone supplements) was $35. Of course, I had to buy some preggo tests online, at a cost of $30. Prenatals and baby aspirin were about $25. Cycle total to date: $785.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Prayer
Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other. The object of prayer is not to change the will of God, but to secure for ourselves and for others blessings that God is already willing to grant, but that are made conditional on our asking for them. Blessings require some work or effort on our part before we can obtain them. Prayer is a form of work, and is an appointed means for obtaining the highest of all blessings.
This is part of the definition of prayer from the Bible Dictionary (emphasis added). A fellow church member shared this with the congregation last week and I just loved it.
I hope God is seeing us do our part of the work, and is willing to grant us our blessing sometime soon.
This is part of the definition of prayer from the Bible Dictionary (emphasis added). A fellow church member shared this with the congregation last week and I just loved it.
I hope God is seeing us do our part of the work, and is willing to grant us our blessing sometime soon.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Thank You and a Confession
Thank you to those who have kept Ryan's job in your prayers. I have been contacted by several friends who have done so, and we have felt it. It appears his job is safe for now. There is a chance he could be in danger again in December, but we are taking it one month at a time and, generally, we feel a sense of comfort about the whole issue.
Which means we are still set for treatments sometime soon. Game on!
Now to my confession...
I have a lot of blog readers who I know personally. I have readers that I haven't met in person, but I've conversed with online. I'm sure there are other readers who "blog stalk" me (much like I do in some cases), reading along but not making contact with me. I appreciate anyone who stops by and lends support, even if it is not expressed.
As treatment time approaches, I have thought about how to record those upcoming experiences on here. I started this blog just to record my journey with infertility, in hopes of sharing it with my child someday. It grew into something more.
Now, I feel a responsibility to people who have committed to traveling this journey with me. I feel like I owe it to them to share my treatment experiences.
On the other hand, I really don't want people to know the exact day or moment I find out if a treatment cycle was successful. If I am unsuccessful, I might want some time to deal with that privately. If I become pregnant, it would be nice to share that moment with my husband before the verdict is shared with the masses.
Bottom line, I don't want people in my personal life to look at me on a particular day and know that was the day I would test. I just want some time to adjust to the outcome first on my own.
Because of all this, I have made the decision to keep my experiences during a treatment cycle private for a while. I will still record events as they happen, but I will post them on a delay. Once there is an outcome to a particular cycle, I will post the rest of that cycle's blog entries, so that you can still follow the journey. I really think this plan will work well for me.
I do feel like I am not being fair to all those ladies who put everything out there. It is only right that I do that too. And if my blog was a secret to those who see me on a regular basis, maybe I would. But I want to share everything with those awesome people I love. So I will, albeit a bit slower than in the past.
I hope this all makes sense.
UPDATE: Yeah, well that plan didn't work out after all!! See this blog posting.
Which means we are still set for treatments sometime soon. Game on!
Now to my confession...
I have a lot of blog readers who I know personally. I have readers that I haven't met in person, but I've conversed with online. I'm sure there are other readers who "blog stalk" me (much like I do in some cases), reading along but not making contact with me. I appreciate anyone who stops by and lends support, even if it is not expressed.
As treatment time approaches, I have thought about how to record those upcoming experiences on here. I started this blog just to record my journey with infertility, in hopes of sharing it with my child someday. It grew into something more.
Now, I feel a responsibility to people who have committed to traveling this journey with me. I feel like I owe it to them to share my treatment experiences.
On the other hand, I really don't want people to know the exact day or moment I find out if a treatment cycle was successful. If I am unsuccessful, I might want some time to deal with that privately. If I become pregnant, it would be nice to share that moment with my husband before the verdict is shared with the masses.
Bottom line, I don't want people in my personal life to look at me on a particular day and know that was the day I would test. I just want some time to adjust to the outcome first on my own.
Because of all this, I have made the decision to keep my experiences during a treatment cycle private for a while. I will still record events as they happen, but I will post them on a delay. Once there is an outcome to a particular cycle, I will post the rest of that cycle's blog entries, so that you can still follow the journey. I really think this plan will work well for me.
I do feel like I am not being fair to all those ladies who put everything out there. It is only right that I do that too. And if my blog was a secret to those who see me on a regular basis, maybe I would. But I want to share everything with those awesome people I love. So I will, albeit a bit slower than in the past.
I hope this all makes sense.
UPDATE: Yeah, well that plan didn't work out after all!! See this blog posting.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
A Bump in the Road
Back on June 7th, I met with Missy at Dr S' office. She went over the details of my treatment. I had just begun a new cycle, but we weren't financially ready then to get going. Walking out to the parking lot, we decided we would go for it on the very next cycle.
Upon looking at the calendar, I realized that I would be at Girls' Camp when I begin the next cycle. Although I am so excited for Girls' Camp, I was so disappointed to have to wait another month. I have waited so long for this already!!
After sitting in disappointment for three weeks, I decided to call the doctor and see if there was another alternative. Sure enough, there was!
On Day 3 of my next cycle, I would begin taking birth control for 1 week. At the end of that week, I would go in for my ultrasound and we can proceed with treatment from there. So instead of waiting another month, I would just have to wait one week.
I wrestled with the idea of taking birth control for a while. I am anti-birth control after being on it for 3 years and watching it change my cycle permanently. After thinking about it for a while and seeking advice from a friend, I decided to go for it. I mean, with all the hormones I am going to be putting in my body, birth control for 1 week should be the least of my concerns.
I am also trying to trust my fertility clinic. I will still listen to my gut feelings, and be my own advocate, but I am going to treat them like the experts they are. I think sometimes I tend to question everything, which brings on stress and anxiety. Instead, I am trying to relax and let them guide the course. After all, it is their job.
All of this extra planning could be unnecessary anyway. If I start a few days early or a few days late, we can just proceed as planned. If I am right on time, it's nice to know we have another option besides delaying another month.
Upon looking at the calendar, I realized that I would be at Girls' Camp when I begin the next cycle. Although I am so excited for Girls' Camp, I was so disappointed to have to wait another month. I have waited so long for this already!!
After sitting in disappointment for three weeks, I decided to call the doctor and see if there was another alternative. Sure enough, there was!
On Day 3 of my next cycle, I would begin taking birth control for 1 week. At the end of that week, I would go in for my ultrasound and we can proceed with treatment from there. So instead of waiting another month, I would just have to wait one week.
I wrestled with the idea of taking birth control for a while. I am anti-birth control after being on it for 3 years and watching it change my cycle permanently. After thinking about it for a while and seeking advice from a friend, I decided to go for it. I mean, with all the hormones I am going to be putting in my body, birth control for 1 week should be the least of my concerns.
I am also trying to trust my fertility clinic. I will still listen to my gut feelings, and be my own advocate, but I am going to treat them like the experts they are. I think sometimes I tend to question everything, which brings on stress and anxiety. Instead, I am trying to relax and let them guide the course. After all, it is their job.
All of this extra planning could be unnecessary anyway. If I start a few days early or a few days late, we can just proceed as planned. If I am right on time, it's nice to know we have another option besides delaying another month.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Father's Day
Father's Day has always been a bit easier than Mother's Day. Maybe it's because hubby has handled our infertility much more gracefully than I have, I'm not sure. That is why today surprised me... it was harder than I expected.
At church this morning, I watched all of the kids come up to the front and sing to their dads. It was adorable, and achingly sad. I still have no child up there.
The Bishop asked all fathers to stand and receive their treat. Ryan wasn't even there (he was working). So why did it hurt so much not to see him standing up next to me?
When I headed out to my car to leave, I saw kids jumping into minivans and SUVs. I couldn't help but wonder what surprises were waiting for those dads at home. Maybe their favorite item for dinner, or a yummy dessert? A scribbled drawing or just a father's day hug? All things that I knew my husband would not be receiving today.
The day turned when I went to my Dad's tonight. I gave him a long hug and thought of all those out there who don't have their fathers to hold. Those who have dads in the military. People who might not know their dad. Or perhaps those with fathers who have passed away. What these people would give for what I still have...
Finally, I thought of my Father in Heaven. The One who has treated me as only a parent could. He forgives me when I stomp my feet and question why. He feels my pain and understands my frustrations. He withholds blessings, as much as it hurts me, because there is a greater purpose. And when I forget that, He quietly reminds me.
And He reminded me today.
I hope all those dads out there had a wonderful Father's Day. I want to wish my hubby a Happy Father's Day too. Thank you for sacrificing so much to help me become a mom someday.
At church this morning, I watched all of the kids come up to the front and sing to their dads. It was adorable, and achingly sad. I still have no child up there.
The Bishop asked all fathers to stand and receive their treat. Ryan wasn't even there (he was working). So why did it hurt so much not to see him standing up next to me?
When I headed out to my car to leave, I saw kids jumping into minivans and SUVs. I couldn't help but wonder what surprises were waiting for those dads at home. Maybe their favorite item for dinner, or a yummy dessert? A scribbled drawing or just a father's day hug? All things that I knew my husband would not be receiving today.
The day turned when I went to my Dad's tonight. I gave him a long hug and thought of all those out there who don't have their fathers to hold. Those who have dads in the military. People who might not know their dad. Or perhaps those with fathers who have passed away. What these people would give for what I still have...
Finally, I thought of my Father in Heaven. The One who has treated me as only a parent could. He forgives me when I stomp my feet and question why. He feels my pain and understands my frustrations. He withholds blessings, as much as it hurts me, because there is a greater purpose. And when I forget that, He quietly reminds me.
And He reminded me today.
I hope all those dads out there had a wonderful Father's Day. I want to wish my hubby a Happy Father's Day too. Thank you for sacrificing so much to help me become a mom someday.
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