Preliminary Blood Test Results

My doctor's office just called to let me know of my blood test results. Tim, my acupuncturist, had suggested I have a full panel of tests on my thyroid. Abnormalities with your thyroid can contribute to infertility.

According to Ruth at my doctor's office, my thyroid looks "normal". Tim said that sometimes doctors will call you normal because each area falls in the "normal" range. However, if one area is pretty low within the normal range, while another is high, but still within the normal range, the reaction between the two can still be causing a problem. I asked Ruth to send me a copy and I will let Tim take a look at it.

Even though I am SO used to every test result looking perfect, it's still pretty disappointing. I was hoping there might be something there that could be a cause of my infertility. Four years now of looking for the "cause". (((Sigh))) Oh well, I guess we'll see what Tim says about the results. Until then I just keep keeping on!

For now, I am just looking forward to our beach trip. It should be a fun time!

PS. As a side note, Ruth also said my cholesterol was completely normal and my triglycerides, another fatty substance that increases the risk of heart disease and stroke, are GREAT. Not too shabby! Now, bring on the bacon! (Just kidding)

How Far We've Come...

In switching over my blog from Our Fertility Story to In Pursuit of Parenthood, I decided to take a quick stroll down memory lane and read a few posts from 2006, when the blog first began. I couldn't read every entry, as it becomes too painful, but I did notice a fear and anxiety related to the ovulation trigger shot I had been prescribed at that time.

I used to be pretty frightened of needles. It began with a blood-taking nightmare as a child (when someone announces they are "new to this", request a nurse change - trust me) and grew from there. I remember as a teenager going on the "blood bus" where my dad was giving blood, to ask him for the keys to the car. I passed out and was immediately laid down in a seat to recover. Just being around needles was enough to make me a light-headed, nauseous mess. Hence the anxiety of giving the ovulation trigger shot to myself. I remember the first time I tried it, I didn't use enough force to penetrate the skin and my needle literally bounced off my stomach. I almost passed out right then and there on the bathroom floor at work. Uggg.

Well, I guess things have changed. Necessity is the mother of invention, isn't that what they say? Well, maybe Necessity also gave birth to tolerance. In the last week, I not only have done two blood tests (filling seven vials...yup seven) but I actually voluntarily gave blood on a blood bus. Now, truth be told, I almost passed out from that experience too but the important thing is I did it, and I did it willingly. I would even do it again (once this bruise on my arm disappears).

Needles... please! I pay a man to tap needles into my skin on almost a weekly basis. In they go, and not only into typical places like arms and legs, but on my feet, inside my ears, and into my head.

So, I wouldn't say I like needles now, but I think we have a mutual respect for each other. They are a means to an end and, once this whole process is over, I hope to see less of them. But, for now, they are a part of life.

Just Relax!

Ahh, the advice so freely given by well-intentioned people. Just relax and you'll get pregnant! This is one step up from the ever-helpful: Just forget about it and it will happen (hmmm, how about, don't think about polar bears...what? You're thinking about polar bears now? Imagine that...)

Okay, we have established that telling someone to relax does no good. But what about the actual act of relaxing? What benefits can come from that?

Well, I have been giving it a try. I have actually been relaxing, meditating, visualizing, whatever you want to call it. I lay down flat, close my eyes, and listen to a CD filled with oriental sounding music and a calming voice... "concentrate on your feet, releasing all the tension..." At first, it felt strange, uncomfortable, and a tad embarrassing. But then something happened, I began to relax.

I try to do a session everyday. Many times, I fall asleep, but that's okay. I have actually found a lot of comfort in it.

Infertility

Sometimes the pain of infertility is nearly unbearable. I have never experienced anything this lonely, this heartbreaking, this painful. I don't even recognize myself anymore. I feel so alone. The pain is actually physical, sometimes I can't even breathe. I don't know how to let it go. But, after 5 years, I don't know how much more I can take.

Acupuncture

On Thursday, I went to my first acupuncture appointment. A little hole-in-the-wall office near Shaw and Fresno, the waiting room looked more like a living room in the 60s than a health practitioner's lobby. An older woman with long grey hair greeted me and let me know Tim would be out in a minute. I took a seat on the worn, oriental-patterned couch and waited.

Soon, a middle-aged Caucasian man emerged and led me to a room. We sat on two folding chairs near a doctor's-type table, high and soft, covered in worn, plaid sheets.

Tim spent a good forty-five minutes just talking to me, asking me my symptoms, writing notes, feeling my pulse, etc. He stated from my symptoms he felt I had a deficiency in progesterone (THANK YOU!) and this could be a reason I'm not getting pregnant. He also said some of my symptoms were reminiscent of a thyroid problem (a suggestion Kathryn had made a few months earlier). He suggested I get a complete panel blood test on my thyroid, not just the simple test they usually do. He also said he would like to see the results, as TCM tends to interpret them a bit differently than western doctors, who mostly just check that your numbers are in the "normal" range. Problems with your thyroid can also lead to infertility.

After our chat, I laid down on the table and he did some unusual tests involving holding a vial of different hormones and substances to see how my body reacted. These tests confirmed his theory that I was low in progesterone. Then he pulled out the needles...

It actually wasn't bad at all. First he would push around an area with his fingertips and tell me to let him know when he hit a point that was tender. Once he did, that is where he would put the needle in. A few times I felt a sharpness, but mostly, I couldn't feel the needle go in at all. After it was in I would feel a dull, aching feeling around the acupuncture point. Interestingly, after he placed one in my foot, the pressure around that point was especially achy. When I commented on how dramatic that one felt, he replied that region was connected to my sinus area. Curiously enough, I have been having major sinus problems for the last couple months. Hmmm...

After all the needles were in, he turned off the light, put a warmer on my feet, and left me to relax. It's amazing how relaxing it is to lay in quiet without falling asleep. Very peaceful.

After my time was up (about 20-30 minutes I think). He came back in and took out the needles. Then he gave me some herbs which will help to balance my body and prod it to make more progesterone on its own. He also gave me a natural progesterone cream to use.

And that was it! I felt really good for the rest of the day. I am looking forward to my next appointment on May 5th.

Calling All Babies!

I used to consider myself good with babies. I was babysitting when most of my friends were still being babysat. I started watching my nephews on a limited basis at 10 years old and started watching other people's kids at 11. I was really comfortable holding, rocking, feeding, burping, you name it!

Then I got older, wrapped up in my own life, and I babysat less and less. Once I was married and started trying to conceive, I was in Long Beach and the friends I had that were starting families lived back at home.

By the time I was back in Fresno, I had been trying unsuccessfully for a year, and I was already becoming pretty heartbroken about not having a child of my own. I avoided babies, they just made me sad. They were little, cuddly reminders of what I didn't and couldn't have.

Time went on and I slowly became less and less bitter about my own struggle. Still sad, mind you, but less bitter. It began to be easier to be around babies. Unfortunately, by this time, I had become awkwardly uncomfortable when taking care of them. I began to feel completely out of my element while holding them. It's hard to describe and even harder to believe, since I grew up "baby crazy", wanting to hold and take care of every baby around. But, that's what I had become.

Okay, so on to the purpose of my story. When I talked with the acupuncturist's office yesterday, she told me to spend more time around babies, watching them, taking care of them, etc. At first, I braced myself. Typically, when someone is talking to me about my infertility and they tell me to spend more time around kids, they are preparing to make some kind of joke about how I could have their kids or how spending time with kids may make me not want one so bad. In fact, my anesthesiologist told me this while I was preparing to go under for surgery. Kind of unbelievable, huh? Here I am, undergoing elective surgery to try to find out why I can't conceive, and he makes a joke like that. He was lucky my arm was tied down and I was too disoriented to set him straight!

Anyway, I digress. The reason the nice lady at the acupuncturist's office was telling me to spend time around babies was because they have found that "getting in touch with your mothering instincts" by spending time nurturing a child can actually help you to conceive a child. Being in the nurturing frame of mind is good for the soul and, consequently, good for the body. There seems to be some truth behind the theory and, since I am willing to try just about anything that is safe, cheap, and effective, I'll try it!

So, I am going to try to be better about participating in all things baby. I know sometimes it may make me sad, as I truly want a child of my own. Nevertheless, when I am hanging out with friends or at church, and there are babies around, I am going to try to get in touch with the mother inside me. I may look awkward or insecure, but I think it will be good for me. If for no other reason than it would be good practice.

Progress...

Late last night, I wrote what felt like a prayer. I was asking God which direction I should go and what I should do next. This morning, I picked up the phone and called a local acupuncturist I had called previously. I had a long talk with his assistant and the things she was telling me just rang true. The entire conversation felt right. I made an appointment for the earliest date they had available, May 5th. She then suggested I call my insurance company to see if they'd pay for it. I dismissed that right away. I've had 4 years of paying for my own treatments. She urged me to try anyway.

Twenty minutes later, a "prescription" from my OBGYN had been sent to the acupuncturist and a pre-approval from my insurance company of all treatments my doctor "deems necessary" had been processed. It was unreal, too easy. I could not believe it!

Then, two hours later, the acupuncturist's office called. There was a cancellation and they can see me on Thursday! I am excited and a bit nervous, but anxious to start this next chapter of treatment.

Only Hope

In the posting Lost , I explained my motivation to document the music that has comforted me over the past five years as I've dealt with infertility. This is another song in my collection.

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When I think about my journey with infertility, there is often much confusion. Sometimes, I feel intense frustration, like God is trying to teach me something, that I am supposed to gain something from this trail, and He is waiting for me to learn and grow before I receive this blessing. Too many questions follow...Which direction does He want me go? What should I do next? After five years, I sometimes feel clueless about what exactly He wants from me! I'll do what it takes, but what is it I am supposed to do? I can look back and see how much I've grown over the years and know that there is so much more growing I can do...but I am tired and just want it to be over.

Then, at other times, I feel a warm feeling inside telling me to just turn it over to Him. Don't worry what it is I am supposed to learn, just get through the trial day by day. Survive the hard ones and relish the good ones. He has a plan for me, and I may not know it yet, but I will someday.

Today was one of the hard days. Then, this afternoon, I happened on a song. For some reason, this song spoke to me today. Listening to the words was very emotional for me. I felt an overwhelming sense of comfort.

I want to be what God wants me to be, to be worthy of the blessings I know He has in store for me. He has not forgotten me. And, during those tough days, if hope and faith in Him is all I have to hang on to, then that should be enough.

Only Hope

There's a song that's inside of my soul.
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold.
But You sing to me over and over and over again.

So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only Yours, I pray, to be only Yours
I know now You're my only hope.

Sing to me the song of the stars.
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again.
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again.

So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only Yours, I pray, to be only Yours
I know now, You're my only hope.

I give You my destiny.
I'm giving You all of me.
I want Your symphony, singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs, I'm giving it back.

So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only Yours, I pray, to be only Yours
I pray, to be only Yours
I know now You're my only hope.



For all the music postings click here .