You GO, Dr. Oh!

So, so tired... but I have to take a moment to give credit where credit is due.

For the last year or so, my monthly cycles have consisted of 5 - 7 days of spotting, then a day or two of nothing, followed by a 3 day period.

After one month of treatment with Dr. Oh, I had one day of light spotting, one day of heavier spotting, and then Day One of my cycle. A marked difference. Color and flow has also improved.

While last month we concentrated on decreasing the spotting, this month we are beginning the actual infertility treatment. I began Phase 1 of the herbs today, so we will see how this goes!

What is this strange feeling?

Could it be... hope???

Thursday I went back to acupuncture. Back, but to a new place. Instead of meeting with Tim, I searched out another advocate. I found "Dr. Oh".

Unlike Tim, Dr. Oh has had experience with patients dealing with infertility. Our first appointment went very well. Dr. Oh has put me on acupuncture every week, a strict regimen of four different herbs throughout my cycle, and orders to reduce stress (we'll see how that last one goes!). His methods have resulted in 4 successful pregnancies for his patients this year. The usual length of treatment before success is 2 1/2 to 3 months.

Now I know none of this is a guarantee that it could happen for me, but something else exciting happened yesterday. I had hope! I had nearly forgotten what that felt like.

In fact, the biggest part of this whole experience was that it happened at all. For the last couple years (since my unproductive surgery), I have felt hopeless... which slid into depression. Even last year, when I first tried TCM, I felt lost in my treatment and gave up.

So, after literally years of depression, the very fact that I have picked myself up, dusted myself off, and tried again speaks volumes.

Here we go again!

Taking Charge of My Treatment

I had a "moment" during my acupuncture appointment yesterday...

My acupuncturist, who is very nice by the way, loves to discuss and debate the status of the stock market while he treats me. It started out as short discussions: a question here or there about my opinion on annuities, a comment or two about the day's market activity, etc.

Well, yesterday we sat down to have a short conversation before treatment began, which is the typical scenario. I gave him my thyroid test results and he called my thyroid "impeccable". Even though I know I should be happy about my continually flawless test results, I am usually disappointed by such perfect outcomes. If I can't figure out what's wrong, I can't fix it!

Anyway, the disappointment in my ideal results, along with the emotionality of this time in my cycle (for some reason I am terribly emotional during the time between my period and ovulation...I have no idea why), began my spiraling towards total breakdown.

Tim began the treatment and simultaneously started asking questions about annuities. Now, I wouldn't go so far as to say annuities are wrong for everyone in every situation, but I am highly skeptical and cautious about them. Tim is convinced the market won't recover for years to come and annuities are the smart way to go. He began describing scenario after scenario, trying to get me on his side.

I am a shiny, new financial planner. Heavy debates about the market do not feel like "shooting the breeze" to me. They require me to be on my toes, to draw from my broad knowledge and limited experience. This is not relaxing.

The entire time, I just wanted him to shut up! I wanted quiet and relaxation. And, if conversation is necessary, let's talk about how I am going to balance my body and increase my chances of pregnancy, or at least develop inner peace and acceptance.

Tears burned my eyes. I would wait until he turned around and then wipe them away quickly. Thoughts of doubt and hopelessness filled my head. Who am I kidding? What am I even doing here? Horrible thoughts.

Tim finished with the needles and left the room. As I laid there in the quiet, my tears subsided and I began to relax. All of my limbs felt heavy and my head began to clear.

If Tim came to me for financial planning advice, how would he feel if I spent most of the session discussing acupuncture and debating its validity as a medical service? I think at some point he would be frustrated. He was there for financial advice; that is what he was paying for.

Suddenly, it dawned on me. This whole exploration I have been doing lately is about taking charge of my treatment. It's about not listening to some "authority" and doing what feels right to me. I have come so far and here I was again, letting someone (unintentionally) affect my progress because I was too timid to stand up for myself and what I want.

At my next appointment, I will ask Tim to avoid stock market and investment talk during my treatment. It may hurt his feelings a little but I have to do what's right for me. I will again take charge of my own treatment. It feels weird to put myself first, but in a world of doctors, experts, healers, and herbal gurus, I truly am my only advocate!

How Far We've Come...

In switching over my blog from Our Fertility Story to In Pursuit of Parenthood, I decided to take a quick stroll down memory lane and read a few posts from 2006, when the blog first began. I couldn't read every entry, as it becomes too painful, but I did notice a fear and anxiety related to the ovulation trigger shot I had been prescribed at that time.

I used to be pretty frightened of needles. It began with a blood-taking nightmare as a child (when someone announces they are "new to this", request a nurse change - trust me) and grew from there. I remember as a teenager going on the "blood bus" where my dad was giving blood, to ask him for the keys to the car. I passed out and was immediately laid down in a seat to recover. Just being around needles was enough to make me a light-headed, nauseous mess. Hence the anxiety of giving the ovulation trigger shot to myself. I remember the first time I tried it, I didn't use enough force to penetrate the skin and my needle literally bounced off my stomach. I almost passed out right then and there on the bathroom floor at work. Uggg.

Well, I guess things have changed. Necessity is the mother of invention, isn't that what they say? Well, maybe Necessity also gave birth to tolerance. In the last week, I not only have done two blood tests (filling seven vials...yup seven) but I actually voluntarily gave blood on a blood bus. Now, truth be told, I almost passed out from that experience too but the important thing is I did it, and I did it willingly. I would even do it again (once this bruise on my arm disappears).

Needles... please! I pay a man to tap needles into my skin on almost a weekly basis. In they go, and not only into typical places like arms and legs, but on my feet, inside my ears, and into my head.

So, I wouldn't say I like needles now, but I think we have a mutual respect for each other. They are a means to an end and, once this whole process is over, I hope to see less of them. But, for now, they are a part of life.

Acupuncture

On Thursday, I went to my first acupuncture appointment. A little hole-in-the-wall office near Shaw and Fresno, the waiting room looked more like a living room in the 60s than a health practitioner's lobby. An older woman with long grey hair greeted me and let me know Tim would be out in a minute. I took a seat on the worn, oriental-patterned couch and waited.

Soon, a middle-aged Caucasian man emerged and led me to a room. We sat on two folding chairs near a doctor's-type table, high and soft, covered in worn, plaid sheets.

Tim spent a good forty-five minutes just talking to me, asking me my symptoms, writing notes, feeling my pulse, etc. He stated from my symptoms he felt I had a deficiency in progesterone (THANK YOU!) and this could be a reason I'm not getting pregnant. He also said some of my symptoms were reminiscent of a thyroid problem (a suggestion Kathryn had made a few months earlier). He suggested I get a complete panel blood test on my thyroid, not just the simple test they usually do. He also said he would like to see the results, as TCM tends to interpret them a bit differently than western doctors, who mostly just check that your numbers are in the "normal" range. Problems with your thyroid can also lead to infertility.

After our chat, I laid down on the table and he did some unusual tests involving holding a vial of different hormones and substances to see how my body reacted. These tests confirmed his theory that I was low in progesterone. Then he pulled out the needles...

It actually wasn't bad at all. First he would push around an area with his fingertips and tell me to let him know when he hit a point that was tender. Once he did, that is where he would put the needle in. A few times I felt a sharpness, but mostly, I couldn't feel the needle go in at all. After it was in I would feel a dull, aching feeling around the acupuncture point. Interestingly, after he placed one in my foot, the pressure around that point was especially achy. When I commented on how dramatic that one felt, he replied that region was connected to my sinus area. Curiously enough, I have been having major sinus problems for the last couple months. Hmmm...

After all the needles were in, he turned off the light, put a warmer on my feet, and left me to relax. It's amazing how relaxing it is to lay in quiet without falling asleep. Very peaceful.

After my time was up (about 20-30 minutes I think). He came back in and took out the needles. Then he gave me some herbs which will help to balance my body and prod it to make more progesterone on its own. He also gave me a natural progesterone cream to use.

And that was it! I felt really good for the rest of the day. I am looking forward to my next appointment on May 5th.

Progress...

Late last night, I wrote what felt like a prayer. I was asking God which direction I should go and what I should do next. This morning, I picked up the phone and called a local acupuncturist I had called previously. I had a long talk with his assistant and the things she was telling me just rang true. The entire conversation felt right. I made an appointment for the earliest date they had available, May 5th. She then suggested I call my insurance company to see if they'd pay for it. I dismissed that right away. I've had 4 years of paying for my own treatments. She urged me to try anyway.

Twenty minutes later, a "prescription" from my OBGYN had been sent to the acupuncturist and a pre-approval from my insurance company of all treatments my doctor "deems necessary" had been processed. It was unreal, too easy. I could not believe it!

Then, two hours later, the acupuncturist's office called. There was a cancellation and they can see me on Thursday! I am excited and a bit nervous, but anxious to start this next chapter of treatment.