Monday, June 13, 2011

So Hard

I think Katelyn likes music. She starts moving and kicking when I play it most times. So either she likes it or she’s trying to tell me to turn that racket off! I’m going to go with the idea that she likes it.

I have been trying to play a variety of different music when I am driving in the car, just to see what she responds to. I know there is probably not much to this, but it’s been fun to do anyway. A few days back, a song came on that I typically skip out of habit. I had skipped it all throughout our struggle with infertility, but for some reason I never actually took it off my iPod. When it came on this time though, I didn’t skip it.

It felt like a given
Something a woman's born to do
A natural ambition
To see a reflection of me and you

And I'd feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn't give
And could you be happy
If life wasn't how we pictured it

And sometimes I just want to wait it out
To prove everybody wrong
And I need your help to move on
Cause you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
So hard

As soon as this song started, Katelyn began to move and kick. Nothing more than a coincidence I’m sure, but it hit me really strong. Something about hearing those words and feeling my baby kick was very overwhelming. It was one of ‘those’ moments.

Our time through infertility was SO hard. Not as hard as others' trials, but the longest and hardest trial I have ever faced. And although I am pregnant now, I still feel it there. Even when I hold my baby in 4 short months, it will still be there. It will always be there. Duller, easier and much more manageable, but still there.

I can live for the moment
When all these clouds open up for me to see
And show me a vision
Of you and me swimming peacefully

I am constantly amazed by my fellow infertility warriors, especially those who continue to support me throughout the pregnancy. I know how hard that can be because I’ve been there. I am blown away by your supportive comments on here and on Facebook. It is stunning. It touches me so deeply and no matter what words I try to use to express how I feel, they aren’t enough.

Sometimes life is SO hard. But the reward at the end is so very sweet. Praying we all get our sweet reward soon.


AJ said...

Who sings that song?

You are an amazing woman, friend, person and will be an AWESOME Mom! Life is SO hard, but it's supposed to be that way right? It wasn't meant to be easy (it's so easy to type that, but not so easy to live through it). I know that we are given (yes, given!) people in our life to help us. Friends, family, people passing by.

You are one of those people in my life!!

Malachi and Layne said...

I am so greatful for your blog...I found it about a year ago and was greatful for your perpective and inpiring words as I delt with infertility as well- I remember(on an old post) you wrote that "each day- and somtimes each moment- you had to choose to be positive"----I have loved watching you through your pregnancy! I have recently adopted and have struggled with feelings that adoption should have "cured" my infertility- but infertility is a life long ailment- Thank you for talking about your infertility struggles through your pregnancy!

Marie said...

Same question... Who sings that? And thank you for sharing with all of us.

Jennifer Banuelos said...

The song is by the Dixie Chicks from their last album.