A Bump in the Road

Back on June 7th, I met with Missy at Dr S' office. She went over the details of my treatment. I had just begun a new cycle, but we weren't financially ready then to get going. Walking out to the parking lot, we decided we would go for it on the very next cycle.

Upon looking at the calendar, I realized that I would be at Girls' Camp when I begin the next cycle. Although I am so excited for Girls' Camp, I was so disappointed to have to wait another month. I have waited so long for this already!!

After sitting in disappointment for three weeks, I decided to call the doctor and see if there was another alternative. Sure enough, there was!

On Day 3 of my next cycle, I would begin taking birth control for 1 week. At the end of that week, I would go in for my ultrasound and we can proceed with treatment from there. So instead of waiting another month, I would just have to wait one week.

I wrestled with the idea of taking birth control for a while. I am anti-birth control after being on it for 3 years and watching it change my cycle permanently. After thinking about it for a while and seeking advice from a friend, I decided to go for it. I mean, with all the hormones I am going to be putting in my body, birth control for 1 week should be the least of my concerns.

I am also trying to trust my fertility clinic. I will still listen to my gut feelings, and be my own advocate, but I am going to treat them like the experts they are. I think sometimes I tend to question everything, which brings on stress and anxiety. Instead, I am trying to relax and let them guide the course. After all, it is their job.

All of this extra planning could be unnecessary anyway. If I start a few days early or a few days late, we can just proceed as planned. If I am right on time, it's nice to know we have another option besides delaying another month.

Father's Day

Father's Day has always been a bit easier than Mother's Day. Maybe it's because hubby has handled our infertility much more gracefully than I have, I'm not sure. That is why today surprised me... it was harder than I expected.

At church this morning, I watched all of the kids come up to the front and sing to their dads. It was adorable, and achingly sad. I still have no child up there.

The Bishop asked all fathers to stand and receive their treat. Ryan wasn't even there (he was working). So why did it hurt so much not to see him standing up next to me?

When I headed out to my car to leave, I saw kids jumping into minivans and SUVs. I couldn't help but wonder what surprises were waiting for those dads at home. Maybe their favorite item for dinner, or a yummy dessert? A scribbled drawing or just a father's day hug? All things that I knew my husband would not be receiving today.

The day turned when I went to my Dad's tonight. I gave him a long hug and thought of all those out there who don't have their fathers to hold. Those who have dads in the military. People who might not know their dad. Or perhaps those with fathers who have passed away. What these people would give for what I still have...

Finally, I thought of my Father in Heaven. The One who has treated me as only a parent could. He forgives me when I stomp my feet and question why. He feels my pain and understands my frustrations. He withholds blessings, as much as it hurts me, because there is a greater purpose. And when I forget that, He quietly reminds me.

And He reminded me today.

I hope all those dads out there had a wonderful Father's Day. I want to wish my hubby a Happy Father's Day too. Thank you for sacrificing so much to help me become a mom someday.

Seeing the End from the Beginning

A few Sunday's ago, I had what I refer to as a 'bitter day'. It was just one of those days when the sadness, jealousy and anger were overwhelming. It was also the first Sunday of the month, which means it was the time when church members are invited up to share their testimony in front of the congregation.

Because it was a bitter day, it felt that everyone was talking about receiving answers to their prayers. Sitting in the pew below, I couldn't get the thought out of my head that my one consistent prayer still hasn't been answered. They talked about the faith they had, and how God rewarded that faith with some blessing they desired. Of course, all I heard was: If you had faith, you'd get your blessing too.

Afterward, as I sat in class waiting for Sunday School to start, I was digging in my church bag and found an old quote from a previous class. It was from Elder Boyd K. Packer:

"Shortly after I was called as a General Authority, I went to Elder Harold B. Lee for counsel. He listened very carefully to my problem and suggested that I see President David O. McKay. President McKay counseled me as to the direction I should go. I was very willing to be obedient but saw no way possible for me to do as he counseled me to do.

"I returned to Elder Lee and told him that I saw no way to move in the direction I was counseled to go. He said, 'The trouble with you is you want to see the end from the beginning.' I replied that I would like to see at least a step or two ahead. Then came the lesson of a lifetime: 'You must learn to walk to the edge of the light, and then a few steps into the darkness; then the light will appear and show the way before you'."

That's me!! I want to see the end from the beginning.

I feel as though I've been walking in years of darkness. Sometimes it is so dark, I'm sure I must have gotten lost. But deep down I know that I have to keep going, if I ever want to see that light that is waiting to show me the way.

Although I still felt frustrated, and a little bitter, finding this quote helped me to take a deep breath and continue through the day. I am grateful that, even though He hasn't chosen to bless me with my biggest desire, God does reach out and touch me sometimes, and reminds me not to give up.

Please Pray for Ryan’s Job…

After years and years of hard work and prayers, we have finally gotten ourselves to the point that we can afford to begin infertility treatments on a limited basis beginning at the end of the summer.

Now, after all of the years of high expectations and crushing disappointments, Ryan is in danger of being laid off due to budget cuts in our local police department.

Ryan is such a hard worker, and if work ethic was the determining factor I wouldn’t be worried a bit. He is awesome at what he does, and his co-workers like working with him. Unfortunately, in a bureaucracy like the police department, seniority rules. Over the last 3 years, Ryan had worked his way up to have seniority over 6 people. The last six months has whittled away 4 of these people already. So the concern is real.

I know whatever happens, we’ll make it through. We always have. I just want an opportunity for my shot at parenthood to work out for once…

A Present to Myself

As I implied in our Infertility Game Plan, I want to try to be as kind to myself as possible during this process, especially as I approach beginning treatments again.

One idea I had was to do little things that make me feel good during that time. I know myself and, once I am in treatments with all the expense and emotion that goes with it, I will talk myself out of spending money on anything “frivolous”. So, I came up with an idea. I am gathering up gift certificates so that when the time comes, I have no excuse not to use them.

I bought a few gift certificates for nice restaurants from Restaurant.com. They are places that hubby and I love; perfect for a couple who wants to get out and away from it all. The downside is that they can be pricey. Now that I have the coupons, it will be harder to talk myself out of going there when hubby and I need a little pick-me-up.

Today, I purchased a $75 facial for $30 through Groupon.com. I consider it another opportunity to treat myself during what I know will be a rough time. I am keeping my eyes open for other fun deals and cheap opportunities.

There is a purpose to all this. For a long time during this infertility experience, I put others above myself. I would let other infertile friends dump all their heartache on me, and I would take it, only to find myself abandoned once they got their baby. I would spend huge amounts of money on gifts for expected moms, but wouldn’t even buy myself a shirt because that “$20 could go towards treatments”. I shopped at Babies-R-Us, just because the soon-to-be mommy was only registered there. BABIES-R-US, people!! Ridiculous.

No matter how painful a situation was, I would swallow the lump in my throat and charge through it. I let myself get used and abused and worse of all, I abused myself. I did all those things because I felt that’s what I was “supposed” to do to be a good friend, co-worker or person.

Seven years later, I say no more! I deserve to be taken care of too, even if it’s just me taking care of myself. Sometimes, it’s okay to choose my feelings over someone else’s feelings. It’s okay to get a gift certificate for an expecting friend AND buy myself a shirt. It’s okay if I don’t open up to someone just because they ask.

I think of it this way… how would I treat someone in my situation? The answer to that question is exactly how I should treat myself. So, during this next year of injections, IUIs and cycle timing, I’m going to do just that.

Our Infertility Game Plan

I decided to write down a little Game Plan through the IUI level of treatment. I have no idea how successful this will be at helping me though those difficult days, but maybe leaning back on these things will help.

I am promising myself the following:

-Unless a situation arises which necessitates that we move on sooner, we will complete 5 (and only 5) IUI cycles before moving on to IVF.

-We will begin at the end of Summer 2010. This is purely for financial reasons.

-As finances permit, we will alternate one treatment cycle with one non-treatment cycle. During the non-treatment cycles, we will either try on our own or take a break, whichever we feel like!

-I will take the entire day off work for the IUIs, if able. I'll use this day to just "baby" myself. :)

-I will try to be kind to Ryan throughout this process, even when the hormones are screaming otherwise!

-I will try to minimize unnecessary 'infertility talk' as much as possible, and make my life about more than just makin' babies.

-As hard as this is, I will try not to over-analyze every symptom during the 2-week wait (time between the IUI and the start of the next cycle). To help with this situation, I will plan lots of time with close friends and my hubby, doing fun activities to distract me (nights out, movies, working on our home) .

-During this process, if I am 'not up to' a particular activity or obligation, I will be understanding of this and will not to feel guilty. I will expect that same understanding from those around me. I deserve that.

-I will be there for my friends who are mothers and experctant mothers, but I will also be there for myself. If something is too painful, I will decline to participate or will reward myself later for getting through it.

-We will begin getting our 3 bedroom ready for a child.

-If we experience a failed cycle, hubby and I will treat ourselves to some TLC; this could be a nice dinner out, a couple days away, or a purchase for our house, just something for the two of us.

HSG - The Sequel

From WebMD: During a hysterosalpingogram, a dye (contrast material) is put through a thin tube that is put up into the uterus. Because the uterus and the fallopian tubes are hooked together, the dye will flow into the fallopian tubes. Pictures are taken using a steady beam of X-ray (fluoroscopy) as the dye passes through the uterus and fallopian tubes. The pictures can show problems such as an injury or abnormal structure of the uterus or fallopian tubes, or a blockage that would prevent an egg moving through a fallopian tube to the uterus.
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I had my first HSG in 2004 when we first began infertility testing. We had been trying to conceive for just under a year. Although the tubes were open and clear, it was not a great experience. At the very least, the procedure can be awfully uncomfortable. At most, it is highly painful. Without going into too much detail, I "popped the balloon" and had to start the whole procedure over, which was even worse the second time around.

This time, I mentioned my balloon popping experience to the nurse. She said that she had never heard of that happening before, and that it must be very rare, which made me feel better.

She took an x-ray of my pelvis and left to get the doctor. I studied my x-ray on the screen, and noticed three white spots on the left side of the screen. Interesting... I wondered what those were.

Soon enough, the doctor came in and proceeded to get things ready. He asked me if I had any questions and I asked what those white spots were in my pelvis on the screen. He told me that they were gas bubbles in my bowel and were normal. I tried not to die. I just pointed out, and asked about, potential farts! So embarrassing, especially because he was young, and not-too-shabby-looking. :-/

So we began the procedure. The doctor and nurse were chatting it up about Twilight and first loves. I put my two cents in, but mostly concentrated on breathing. It was a bit painful, but not unbearable. Once everything was in position, the doctor walked around to the side of the bed with the syringe that held the dye solution. He pointed the screen towards me a bit so I could watch and began pressing the syringe slowly.

The catheter was pointed towards my right tube which filled up easily and we watched the dye spill out on the screen. The left tube remained empty. The doctor moved the catheter to point towards the left side. He mentioned that the dye would continue to flow towards the right side, as that is the easiest place for it to go, where the dye was already flowing.

He said he needed to push hard on the syringe to get the dye flowing the opposite direction and flood the left tube. He told me to take a deep breath and he pushed the syringe. Oh my gosh, the pain! My entire body instantly broke out in a sweat and I felt like I was going to throw up. The nurse ran to get a cold compress. But, sure enough, the left tube filled and spilled over. Success!

Afterward, the doctor told me not to worry about the difficulty with the left tube. Sometimes, the catheter forms a suction and it takes some pressure to start it up again. He assured me that both tubes are empty, clear and completely normal!

The nurse made me lay there for a while afterward with the compress on my face. Apparently, when the doctor pushed the dye through quickly, my face had gone white and I guess I hadn't quite recovered yet. She didn't want me passing out trying to get up. After a while, I slowly got up, changed clothes, and it was all over.

I was so fortunate that Ryan had the day off. He was able to go with me and wait in the waiting room. He was so sweet and supportive. Afterwards, he took me to get a Slurpee (it sounded SO good). We picked up some yummy Mexican food and went home. After lunch, I took a long nap. Not a bad day overall!

I will have a follow-up appointment with Dr S to confirm the test results. If today is any indication, it appears we are on track to begin treatments at summer's end.

In the meantime, Dr S emphasized that we have the greatest chance of getting pregnant on our own within few months following the HSG. Forcing dye through the tubes 'cleans them out' and may open them up a bit. So, on the advice of the doc, we are going to try on our own for a few months while we wait to begin treatment. We aren't too hopeful, but we are willing to give it a go!

Down Moments

I hate those down moments.

You know, those times when everything grinds to a halt and your heart suddenly feels like it weighs a thousand pounds?

It comes out of nowhere.

It could be because I overhear people talking about babies or children or pregnancy. It could be because of some commercial I saw or a comment made to me in passing. Sometimes, it happens for no reason at all.

At that moment, it feels like I will never recover: crushing and heavy. Those first few seconds are the worst part.

Then slowly, somehow, I lift myself out of that moment and continue on my day. Sometimes, it just takes a second, sometimes longer. But eventually I get there, and life is normal again.

But, boy do I hate those down moments.