I had a very spiritual experience today. It is a bit personal to share publicly, but thanks to my Heavenly Father and an inspired priesthood leader, I feel comfortable with 2 confirmations:
1. I will be a mother someday, in this life.
2. We should continue with infertility treatments, and put the idea of adoption on hold for now.
I don't know anything more than that, but that is enough to keep me going.
Immediately after this experience, I cleaned up my snotty, tear-streaked face and rushed off to the last church meeting of the day, arriving just before the opening song began.
And this is the song we sang:
Be thou humble in thy weakness,
and the Lord thy God shall lead thee,
Shall lead thee by the hand
and give thee answer to thy prayers.
Be thou humble in thy pleading,
and the Lord thy God shall bless thee,
Shall bless thee with a sweet
and calm assurance that he cares.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Time Off for Good Behavior
I took a test early this morning and it was negative. My official test date is tomorrow. However, if I was pregnant, it would have shown up in today's test. I am positive about that. I buy the most sensitive tests on the market, and they are accurate on the day before your period for nearly all women.
Sure enough, two hours later, it appears my period has begun, despite my friend Prometrium.
Ryan really wants to take some time off, so we will, but it's going to be hard going through the holidays not pregnant and not in treatment.
Stagnant.
Then we'll try IUI with Follistim one last time.
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To read all the posts from this treatment cycle, CLICK HERE.
Sure enough, two hours later, it appears my period has begun, despite my friend Prometrium.
Ryan really wants to take some time off, so we will, but it's going to be hard going through the holidays not pregnant and not in treatment.
Stagnant.
Then we'll try IUI with Follistim one last time.
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To read all the posts from this treatment cycle, CLICK HERE.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Empty Shell
God says He won't give us more than we can handle. I feel like I can't handle much more.
I don't have high hopes for this cycle, and the thought of doing another one is exhausting. If Follistim / IUI #5 doesn't work, it's IVF time (after a long break to save up the money). The thought of that is agonizing.
God: I can't take it anymore. I know others have had more treatments, more disappointments, more heartache, and they make it through. But I can't. My journey has been too long and there have been too many roadblocks, traffic hazards, and unanticipated delays.
I can't do it. I can't.
I don't have high hopes for this cycle, and the thought of doing another one is exhausting. If Follistim / IUI #5 doesn't work, it's IVF time (after a long break to save up the money). The thought of that is agonizing.
God: I can't take it anymore. I know others have had more treatments, more disappointments, more heartache, and they make it through. But I can't. My journey has been too long and there have been too many roadblocks, traffic hazards, and unanticipated delays.
I can't do it. I can't.
Monday, November 22, 2010
I Survived.
All my life, I wanted to be done having kids by 30. This is why I talked my apprehensive husband into letting me stop birth control at 23. I wanted 4 children and expected to spend my twenties barefoot and pregnant.
As infertility reared its ugly head, I became nervous about my “done at 30” goal. It’s seemed possible I wouldn’t be done by 30 after all.
Then, as years went by, I started to become worried I wouldn’t have even started by the time I was 30. For someone with my background, culture, and life goals, this thought was devastating. How could I reach age 30 without even starting (what I hoped would be) my medium-sized family??? (Yes, 4 kids is medium for Mormons, even in today’s world.)
This fear became greater as the birthdays clicked by… 26… 27…28…29… I just knew I would not survive turning 30 without becoming a mother first. But I couldn’t stop the clock.
Finally, my 30th birthday came. I was not a mother. I was not pregnant. I had no adoption profile.
I got up, got ready, and went about my day.
In short, I survived.
The earth did not swallow me up in misery and total despair. I had a regular day. In fact, I had a nice day. And life went on.
Today I turn 31. I had hoped beyond hope that I would be a mother by today.
I’m not.
But I still got up, go ready, and went about my day.
I survived. :)
As infertility reared its ugly head, I became nervous about my “done at 30” goal. It’s seemed possible I wouldn’t be done by 30 after all.
Then, as years went by, I started to become worried I wouldn’t have even started by the time I was 30. For someone with my background, culture, and life goals, this thought was devastating. How could I reach age 30 without even starting (what I hoped would be) my medium-sized family??? (Yes, 4 kids is medium for Mormons, even in today’s world.)
This fear became greater as the birthdays clicked by… 26… 27…28…29… I just knew I would not survive turning 30 without becoming a mother first. But I couldn’t stop the clock.
Finally, my 30th birthday came. I was not a mother. I was not pregnant. I had no adoption profile.
I got up, got ready, and went about my day.
In short, I survived.
The earth did not swallow me up in misery and total despair. I had a regular day. In fact, I had a nice day. And life went on.
Today I turn 31. I had hoped beyond hope that I would be a mother by today.
I’m not.
But I still got up, go ready, and went about my day.
I survived. :)
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Yesterday's IUI
Yesterday's IUI was one of the best and worst I’ve had so far. :) I also hope it will be the last!
It was quite an adventure. Once we decided to proceed with the IUI, we became excited to make a day of it. Ryan was so great throughout the process and I feel so grateful that he was able to be with me yesterday.
Because my doctor’s office loves me so much, they scheduled me for the afternoon, so I could avoid the morning rush. We still had an 8:30am drop off, but the IUI would be at 1:45pm.
That morning, Ryan realized they did not give him all of the needed “equipment” for his part of the procedure. Thus, being the awesome guy that he is, he improvised!
This would be the tube from his IUI kit, a kitchen funnel (that I will never use again) and some packaging tape.
And… done!
You have to have a sense of humor about these things.
We dropped off his men and headed home to get ready for the day. We then went to lunch at a Japanese restaurant and took a long walk around the local cemetery. It was peaceful and the day was gorgeous.
Back at the doctor’s office we got started with the IUI. Because of the number of mature eggs I had this time around, I had been noticing some symptoms I had not experienced before. Nurse H put my mind at ease.
My ovaries are so swollen they are pushing on my diaphragm, making it difficult to breathe, especially when lying down. The severe nausea I’ve been having is because there is so much fluid, it is seeping out into areas where it normally doesn’t go. I have to combat that with increased fluids, no matter how gaggy I get drinking all that water.
Nurse H also told me to expect a lot of cramping, pain, fullness, heaviness and bloating. And she was right! I got them all.
Even so, we decided the IUI was not the end of our day together and Ryan took me to the gun range. We had a great time and I enjoyed doing something he loves so much with him.
Upon returning home last night, I felt the full effect of the increased ovulation. This was the most painful IUI I've had to date. I was walking around like an old woman and had to be gentle when standing up or sitting down. Today, I still feel many of these same symptoms.
But I don’t begrudge them at all because I believe these aches and pains are just pushing me closer to holding my babies someday.
It was quite an adventure. Once we decided to proceed with the IUI, we became excited to make a day of it. Ryan was so great throughout the process and I feel so grateful that he was able to be with me yesterday.
Because my doctor’s office loves me so much, they scheduled me for the afternoon, so I could avoid the morning rush. We still had an 8:30am drop off, but the IUI would be at 1:45pm.
That morning, Ryan realized they did not give him all of the needed “equipment” for his part of the procedure. Thus, being the awesome guy that he is, he improvised!
This would be the tube from his IUI kit, a kitchen funnel (that I will never use again) and some packaging tape.
And… done!
You have to have a sense of humor about these things.We dropped off his men and headed home to get ready for the day. We then went to lunch at a Japanese restaurant and took a long walk around the local cemetery. It was peaceful and the day was gorgeous.
Back at the doctor’s office we got started with the IUI. Because of the number of mature eggs I had this time around, I had been noticing some symptoms I had not experienced before. Nurse H put my mind at ease.
My ovaries are so swollen they are pushing on my diaphragm, making it difficult to breathe, especially when lying down. The severe nausea I’ve been having is because there is so much fluid, it is seeping out into areas where it normally doesn’t go. I have to combat that with increased fluids, no matter how gaggy I get drinking all that water.
Nurse H also told me to expect a lot of cramping, pain, fullness, heaviness and bloating. And she was right! I got them all.
Even so, we decided the IUI was not the end of our day together and Ryan took me to the gun range. We had a great time and I enjoyed doing something he loves so much with him.
Upon returning home last night, I felt the full effect of the increased ovulation. This was the most painful IUI I've had to date. I was walking around like an old woman and had to be gentle when standing up or sitting down. Today, I still feel many of these same symptoms.
But I don’t begrudge them at all because I believe these aches and pains are just pushing me closer to holding my babies someday.
Working Infertile
Work has become a very hard place to be.
It’s no one’s fault. If it were anyone’s fault, it would be mine.
I work at a small office full of young people. There are 7 of us and, besides the boss, the oldest one is 32. When you get a group of people in their late 20s and early 30s, you inevitably get a bunch of people starting their families.
I started working here in 2004. At that time, I had been trying to conceive for about a year, and for the first four years, none of us “young kids” had any children.
Over the last 2 years, all that has changed… One employee has had 2 children, another one just gave birth to her first child, and we hired an employee who is a new father to twins. Even the boss delights in being a grandfather.
It is rough! Every day, I see others rejoice in the one blessing I desire that never comes. I hear clients down the hall gushing over baby pictures, asking for updates, and laughing at all the adventures that come with new parenthood. I hear complaints about lack of sleep and find baby pictures in my email box. On good days, it is hard. On bad days, it’s devastating.
I was used to church being a difficult place to be, with children running around everywhere, pregnant SAHMs, and the constant reminder that “motherhood is your ultimate calling”. After a while, I learned being with friends wasn’t always a safe place, as they add baby after baby to their families, while the list of common ground gets shorter and shorter. Now work is another place where I can’t get away from the constant baby parade.
I start to daydream about walking out the door and never coming back. I do mental calculations… could we afford to live on Ryan’s income alone? I become sad because all of the years of hard work to develop this career seem worthless if I hate being here.
But then I have a client meeting. Just me and a single person or a couple. We talk and laugh and at the end, I feel like I did something to help their situation. And that gives me the strength to come back the next day.
I am fortunate in so many ways. I like helping people and I am able to do that as a planner. I have a boss that has a good heart. I have one co-worker (and a former co-worker) who will selflessly listen to me ramble and complain. I have a flexible schedule that lets me work from home 4 days a month or so. Not to mention, the money I earn at this job allows me to do the fertility treatments that might bring me motherhood.
So I take a deep breath, put my head down and get through it.
And remind myself it can’t be this way forever…
It’s no one’s fault. If it were anyone’s fault, it would be mine.
I work at a small office full of young people. There are 7 of us and, besides the boss, the oldest one is 32. When you get a group of people in their late 20s and early 30s, you inevitably get a bunch of people starting their families.
I started working here in 2004. At that time, I had been trying to conceive for about a year, and for the first four years, none of us “young kids” had any children.
Over the last 2 years, all that has changed… One employee has had 2 children, another one just gave birth to her first child, and we hired an employee who is a new father to twins. Even the boss delights in being a grandfather.
It is rough! Every day, I see others rejoice in the one blessing I desire that never comes. I hear clients down the hall gushing over baby pictures, asking for updates, and laughing at all the adventures that come with new parenthood. I hear complaints about lack of sleep and find baby pictures in my email box. On good days, it is hard. On bad days, it’s devastating.
I was used to church being a difficult place to be, with children running around everywhere, pregnant SAHMs, and the constant reminder that “motherhood is your ultimate calling”. After a while, I learned being with friends wasn’t always a safe place, as they add baby after baby to their families, while the list of common ground gets shorter and shorter. Now work is another place where I can’t get away from the constant baby parade.
I start to daydream about walking out the door and never coming back. I do mental calculations… could we afford to live on Ryan’s income alone? I become sad because all of the years of hard work to develop this career seem worthless if I hate being here.
But then I have a client meeting. Just me and a single person or a couple. We talk and laugh and at the end, I feel like I did something to help their situation. And that gives me the strength to come back the next day.
I am fortunate in so many ways. I like helping people and I am able to do that as a planner. I have a boss that has a good heart. I have one co-worker (and a former co-worker) who will selflessly listen to me ramble and complain. I have a flexible schedule that lets me work from home 4 days a month or so. Not to mention, the money I earn at this job allows me to do the fertility treatments that might bring me motherhood.
So I take a deep breath, put my head down and get through it.
And remind myself it can’t be this way forever…
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Mid-Cycle Ultrasound
My mid-cycle ultrasound on Friday was an emotional experience. I knew there were going to be big results. I had tremendous side effects and I felt more going on down there than I have in any other cycle. Even so, I didn't expect to leave the appointment with teary eyes and a spinning head.
Nurse H did my ultrasound. I knew things were interesting when (as she was looking at the ultrasound screen) she said, "Now remind me, you are not open to selective reduction, right?"
Oh no.
I have 7 eggs total: one 16mm, two 15mm, two 13mm, and two 11mm. Five of those are considered mature enough to be fertilized. Nurse H said I wasn't to the point that they would cancel the cycle, but I am at risk of becoming pregnant with multiples.
Nurse H did my ultrasound. I knew things were interesting when (as she was looking at the ultrasound screen) she said, "Now remind me, you are not open to selective reduction, right?"
Oh no.
I have 7 eggs total: one 16mm, two 15mm, two 13mm, and two 11mm. Five of those are considered mature enough to be fertilized. Nurse H said I wasn't to the point that they would cancel the cycle, but I am at risk of becoming pregnant with multiples.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Wannabe Moms Club
My friend Laura not only had the most wonderful idea, she actually went through the work of getting it put into action.
Next Wednesday, we will have the first monthly meeting of the “Wannabe Moms Club”. It will be a time to eat, talk and vent with women who actually do know how I feel! We have three confirmed members so far and I am excited to get to know these ladies better.
If you are local gal who is struggling to start your family, and this sounds like something that interests you, feel free to message me for more information. :)
Next Wednesday, we will have the first monthly meeting of the “Wannabe Moms Club”. It will be a time to eat, talk and vent with women who actually do know how I feel! We have three confirmed members so far and I am excited to get to know these ladies better.
If you are local gal who is struggling to start your family, and this sounds like something that interests you, feel free to message me for more information. :)
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