Over the past decade or so, I have often heard some variation of the following:
‘Enjoy ______ now, because you won’t get to do it when you have kids.’
‘Once you have kids, you’ll never get to do ______ anymore.’
‘When you’re pregnant, you’ll be too absent-minded to ______.’
‘You only like doing ______ because you don’t have kids yet.’
I have been told I will no longer have dates with my husband. I will not be able to go to school or take a class because ‘pregnancy makes you dumb’. I won’t enjoy cooking or baking anymore. If you add these comments together, it appears the person I am, and have always been, will cease to exist once this blessed event occurs.
One of the benefits of waiting so long to have children is the opportunity I’ve had to see so many different people venture into motherhood. I have observed new mothers who become completely different people when their children are born. I’m not talking about priorities changing. That goes without saying. For example, I spend less time with certain friends because they are busy being moms. I fully understand that. But some mothers become a different person entirely.
Suddenly, they are incapable of discussing anything beyond child rearing. They moan and complain and sometimes don’t even seem to like their children. Nothing happening in your life is as awful, happy, or important as the latest events in their own life. There is a difference between making your children the center of your world (which makes sense), and expecting them to be the center of everyone else’s (which is a lot to ask).
I also find it ironic that many of the moms who tell me all of these things have plenty of time to watch TV, play around on the computer, or take long naps daily. I find it insulting when someone tells me I’ll have to give up digi-scraping when I have kids because I won’t have the time, but can also tell me the latest goings-on with a number of current TV shows. Contradiction, anyone?
Although I have never experienced motherhood, I am observant enough to know that things will change immensely. Time will be precious, and some things I do now will either be eliminated or have lower priority. I know that my number one mission will be to care for my children. I look forward to that!
But to jump from that to assuming all of the parts that make me who I am will disappear upon entering motherhood is crazy. I see many moms out there who have not lost themselves. In fact, motherhood has helped them discover more about who they are.
I have a couple of friends who have taken up photography, because taking pictures of their children opened up a creative outlet they hadn’t acknowledged in the past. Practically all of the cooking and baking blogs I follow are written by moms. I have attended college classes with many pregnant women who were anything but ‘dumb’. And, I am pretty sure I have seen couples who have children out on dates. Less often? Oh, yes. But never? Not necessarily.
Growing up, I knew a million things about my mom and what she enjoyed. I knew her favorite type of exercise was to work-out in the pool. That was ‘her’ time and I got that. I also knew she loved making people feel beautiful and was creative with hair and make-up. I knew she loved watching mysteries and crime drama on TV. And guess what? She loved all these things before me, she loved them while I was young, and she continues to love them today. That is who she is. I wonder what she would have thought if someone had told her she would no longer enjoy doing these things while she was a mom, and what that same person would have thought if (several years later) they saw a little girl snuggled up to her mom watching The Rockford Files on TV, or sitting on a booster seat in the salon chair while her mom practiced hairstyles on her. Loose myself in motherhood? My mom sure didn’t!
I love those future kidlets of mine, and I want to give them every part of who I am. I want them to know the interests, passions, and creative outlets that make me ME. Maybe I’ll be digi-scraping late at night while they sleep, but I’ll still be doing it. Maybe I’ll trade in my experimental recipes for kid-friendly ones, but I’ll still love to bake. I want them to know how important their father is to me and if it means they’re spending a night at the Grandparents’ every once in a while, well, I can think of worse things than that!
When it comes down to it, I think it is a choice. It may take effort, but I’m pretty sure you can hang on to a scrap of who you are during motherhood, without becoming a neglectful parent. Why can’t you include your children in what you love and watch those talents grow? Couldn’t it be argued that you could be a healthier, happier mom if you hung on to some of those things you enjoy?
Maybe I am just a naïve wanna-be, but that’s what I believe.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Take that, Dr. Phil!
Dr. Phil is known for saying: It takes 10 atta-boy’s to erase one negative comment.
Well, that may be true for kids, but in the world of infertility, you can erase 10 negative comments with a kind word from one supportive friend.
I have many supportive friends and, without you beside me over the last 6 years, I might have crawled under my bed and never come out.
So, thank you. :)
Well, that may be true for kids, but in the world of infertility, you can erase 10 negative comments with a kind word from one supportive friend.
I have many supportive friends and, without you beside me over the last 6 years, I might have crawled under my bed and never come out.
So, thank you. :)
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Passing Time
A couple of months ago, I come home to find a bright pink flyer on my porch. As I looked at it, I noticed it was from a local foster parenting agency.
Now I've talked about Foster Parenting in the past, and my frustration with people throwing it at me as an option. Deciding to foster is such a personal decision, and not one to be suggested, or entered into, lightly.
But as I read the flyer, I felt a glimmer of excitement. I talked to Ryan and he was actually (surprisingly) supportive about the idea. He had questions, and we both felt cautious, but I have hung onto the flyer since that day.
Recently, Ryan and I decided to take a 10-year-anniversary trip. Once we return, we're climbing 'back on the horse' so-to-speak, and attempting once again to start our family.
In the meantime, I am passing time. Finding this flyer has helped give me purpose. If we were to foster parent or adopt, we get the opportunity to have strangers decide if we would be good parents. Part of this process involves them coming into our home and assessing it's suitability for housing a child.
And this brings me to my latest project: Operation Organization. I would imagine most people have cabinets, drawers and closets that are a bit, how should I say, cluttered? Well, I do too. So, I am in the process of decluttering and clearing out our house.
This includes our "3rd Bedroom", which will someday be our child's room. I have heard some people talk about getting a room ready for a child, and the pain they feel when the room stays empty. For some reason, I am feeling the opposite emotion. Clearing out that room is giving me hope. I know I will be a mother someday, and I feel that preparing for this fact helps it feel more real. What I am feeling is nice, so I am going with it for now.
Taking a second look at foster parenting feels nice too. I don't know if and how far we will pursue that avenue, but having it as an option seems right for us.
Regardless, for now, I am forcing my eyes upon greener pastures. Or maybe white, sandy beaches. Living and loving my best friend, helping with those fun and crazy teenage girls at church, reconnecting with girlfriends, and anxiously awaiting boarding that plane for Hawaii: these are the things I keep in the front of my mind. Every now and then the sadness returns, but I put a band-aid on it and keep going. Because that's what you do when you're passing time.
----------------------------------
Quick Note: Should we choose to pursue foster care, I will be open and appreciative to opinions and obserations. Until that time, please don't bombard me with negative comments. I realize it can be a tough and heartbreaking process. Let me live in the dream for a while longer. Reality will come soon enough! Thanks.
Now I've talked about Foster Parenting in the past, and my frustration with people throwing it at me as an option. Deciding to foster is such a personal decision, and not one to be suggested, or entered into, lightly.
But as I read the flyer, I felt a glimmer of excitement. I talked to Ryan and he was actually (surprisingly) supportive about the idea. He had questions, and we both felt cautious, but I have hung onto the flyer since that day.
Recently, Ryan and I decided to take a 10-year-anniversary trip. Once we return, we're climbing 'back on the horse' so-to-speak, and attempting once again to start our family.
In the meantime, I am passing time. Finding this flyer has helped give me purpose. If we were to foster parent or adopt, we get the opportunity to have strangers decide if we would be good parents. Part of this process involves them coming into our home and assessing it's suitability for housing a child.
And this brings me to my latest project: Operation Organization. I would imagine most people have cabinets, drawers and closets that are a bit, how should I say, cluttered? Well, I do too. So, I am in the process of decluttering and clearing out our house.
This includes our "3rd Bedroom", which will someday be our child's room. I have heard some people talk about getting a room ready for a child, and the pain they feel when the room stays empty. For some reason, I am feeling the opposite emotion. Clearing out that room is giving me hope. I know I will be a mother someday, and I feel that preparing for this fact helps it feel more real. What I am feeling is nice, so I am going with it for now.
Taking a second look at foster parenting feels nice too. I don't know if and how far we will pursue that avenue, but having it as an option seems right for us.
Regardless, for now, I am forcing my eyes upon greener pastures. Or maybe white, sandy beaches. Living and loving my best friend, helping with those fun and crazy teenage girls at church, reconnecting with girlfriends, and anxiously awaiting boarding that plane for Hawaii: these are the things I keep in the front of my mind. Every now and then the sadness returns, but I put a band-aid on it and keep going. Because that's what you do when you're passing time.
----------------------------------
Quick Note: Should we choose to pursue foster care, I will be open and appreciative to opinions and obserations. Until that time, please don't bombard me with negative comments. I realize it can be a tough and heartbreaking process. Let me live in the dream for a while longer. Reality will come soon enough! Thanks.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
I didn't ask for this...
Two years ago, I celebrated earning my 'Bachelors Degree in Reproductive Science'. Well, maybe "celebrated" is the wrong word. Probably "acknowledged" works better.
So what does that say about today? Have I graduated to a "Master's" degree now? Realistically, I haven't done one thing physically to pursue parenthood, although there certainly has been some emotional growth over these last two years.
Today is Ryan and my 9th anniversary. It's been an exciting 9 years and there were definitely some surprises along the way. Although some days I would never agree with this, as of today I don't think I'd change a thing. Maybe it's the celebration of the day that accounts for my Pollyanna attitude, but I choose not to analyze it; just enjoy it. Today, I am happy.
But please God, please don't make me earn a doctorate...
So what does that say about today? Have I graduated to a "Master's" degree now? Realistically, I haven't done one thing physically to pursue parenthood, although there certainly has been some emotional growth over these last two years.
Today is Ryan and my 9th anniversary. It's been an exciting 9 years and there were definitely some surprises along the way. Although some days I would never agree with this, as of today I don't think I'd change a thing. Maybe it's the celebration of the day that accounts for my Pollyanna attitude, but I choose not to analyze it; just enjoy it. Today, I am happy.
But please God, please don't make me earn a doctorate...
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Comfort
Today, in Young Women's class, one of our girls shared her favorite scripture. This short, sweet passage just hit me so hard, I immediately wrote it in my notebook, and I want to share it here.
"I will not leave you comfortless,
I will come to you."
John 14:18
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Life Lesson
Browsing on a Internet social networking site, I paused on the page of a friend of mine. An acquaintance from high school, we weren't super close, but she was a friendly face who always had something sweet to say.
Recently married, one child, and pregnant with her second, she seemed to have everything I ever wanted. I wondered why everything seemed so easy for everyone else but me. Of course, staring at the computer screen, I only saw the happiness in her life, and not the hidden difficulties she might have been working through.
Never, NEVER compare your life with someone else. Never think things come easy to someone else. Never begrudge someone else's happiness.
This beautiful woman is now going through something I can not ever imagine, facing a horrible situation no one should have to experience. My heart is literally breaking for her.
There is a quote by Plato that reads, Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. We have no idea the difficulties and, sometimes, full-on tragedies that another person is experiencing behind closed doors.
Be grateful for the people in your life, the blessings you've been given, and the happiness you have. Never forget to look up from your own worries and say a prayer for someone else.
Recently married, one child, and pregnant with her second, she seemed to have everything I ever wanted. I wondered why everything seemed so easy for everyone else but me. Of course, staring at the computer screen, I only saw the happiness in her life, and not the hidden difficulties she might have been working through.
Never, NEVER compare your life with someone else. Never think things come easy to someone else. Never begrudge someone else's happiness.
This beautiful woman is now going through something I can not ever imagine, facing a horrible situation no one should have to experience. My heart is literally breaking for her.
There is a quote by Plato that reads, Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. We have no idea the difficulties and, sometimes, full-on tragedies that another person is experiencing behind closed doors.
Be grateful for the people in your life, the blessings you've been given, and the happiness you have. Never forget to look up from your own worries and say a prayer for someone else.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Letter from Heavenly Father
This was shared by one of my YCLs as part of a Devotional at Girl's Camp. It really spoke to me, and I didn't want to forget it:
Dear Daughter,
I remember well the day you left my side, wandered through the veil and ventured forth to fulfill you earthly mission. I had a tear in my eye as I clothed your spirit in a cloak of love and sent you off to school. Be assured that my thoughts are with you now, as always.
I love you with all of my heart. I know your life, the good, the bad, your grief, your disappointments, your unrewarded efforts, your frustrations. But always remember--all that I have is yours if you will only come home again.
Daughter, realize that in you I have placed a bit of heaven. No one was exempt. I love all of my children. You have some blessed gift, some talent, some little part of me in you. Search for it, develop it, use it, and most importantly, share it with others. If you really love me, then help others find themselves and lead them to me. Show your love by serving others.
Repent of your failings and humble yourself. Make yourself ever teachable and continually strive to improve. I gave you weaknesses to help you be humble. Don't condemn me for that. I did it because I love you. Be full of hope. Don't let discouragement engulf you. I'll come if you need me.
Daughter, cease your idle contentions. Be a peacemaker, for it breaks my heart to see so many of my children fighting. If they could only see what I have hoped, planned and desired for them. My heart breaks as I watch them. But you, faithful daughter, are my hope. It is through you that my work must proceed. You haven't much time and there is so much work to be done. I beg you to get started. Accomplish the mission I gave to you before you left me. I'll help you. I'll never be too busy or too far away to come to you. I'm nearer to you always than you might suspect. I have so much I would like to tell you, but I can't here.
Come to me often in prayer. I love to talk to you, my beloved daughter. Be diligent in my work and my kingdom shall be yours. I'd love to take you in my arms, but I too, must wait patiently: that time will come. Till then I leave you my peace, my blessing, my love, and never forget I am nearby whenever you need me.
I love you and miss you so very much and, oh, how I am looking forward to your return to me.
All my love,
Your Heavenly Father
This 'letter' truly feels like it was written for me. I especially love the line, I gave you weaknesses to help you be humble. It seems so obvious now, but I had never thought of it quite that way before. I am trying to become humble so that someday, as the scripture says, my weaknesses can become strengths.
Dear Daughter,
I remember well the day you left my side, wandered through the veil and ventured forth to fulfill you earthly mission. I had a tear in my eye as I clothed your spirit in a cloak of love and sent you off to school. Be assured that my thoughts are with you now, as always.
I love you with all of my heart. I know your life, the good, the bad, your grief, your disappointments, your unrewarded efforts, your frustrations. But always remember--all that I have is yours if you will only come home again.
Daughter, realize that in you I have placed a bit of heaven. No one was exempt. I love all of my children. You have some blessed gift, some talent, some little part of me in you. Search for it, develop it, use it, and most importantly, share it with others. If you really love me, then help others find themselves and lead them to me. Show your love by serving others.
Repent of your failings and humble yourself. Make yourself ever teachable and continually strive to improve. I gave you weaknesses to help you be humble. Don't condemn me for that. I did it because I love you. Be full of hope. Don't let discouragement engulf you. I'll come if you need me.
Daughter, cease your idle contentions. Be a peacemaker, for it breaks my heart to see so many of my children fighting. If they could only see what I have hoped, planned and desired for them. My heart breaks as I watch them. But you, faithful daughter, are my hope. It is through you that my work must proceed. You haven't much time and there is so much work to be done. I beg you to get started. Accomplish the mission I gave to you before you left me. I'll help you. I'll never be too busy or too far away to come to you. I'm nearer to you always than you might suspect. I have so much I would like to tell you, but I can't here.
Come to me often in prayer. I love to talk to you, my beloved daughter. Be diligent in my work and my kingdom shall be yours. I'd love to take you in my arms, but I too, must wait patiently: that time will come. Till then I leave you my peace, my blessing, my love, and never forget I am nearby whenever you need me.
I love you and miss you so very much and, oh, how I am looking forward to your return to me.
All my love,
Your Heavenly Father
This 'letter' truly feels like it was written for me. I especially love the line, I gave you weaknesses to help you be humble. It seems so obvious now, but I had never thought of it quite that way before. I am trying to become humble so that someday, as the scripture says, my weaknesses can become strengths.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
The Climb
Nearly three years ago, when we first moved into our house, I took dinner to a young couple in our church who had just had their first baby. At that time, I had been trying to begin my family for three years. I remember looking at this new mom. She seemed so young and so newly married, it made me wonder, why can she begin her family while I still have to wait?
I barely knew her, so I was a bit nervous dropping off the pizza I had picked up for them on the way home from work. I practically threw the pizza in her arms and almost rushed away without even seeing the baby!
Nearly three years later, tonight in fact, I again took dinner to this new mom. She had her third child last Friday. This beautiful woman has had three children, while I am still waiting for one.
She is the sweetest gal, and I like her very much. As I left their house (a mother, father, and three young children), I couldn't help but think how strange it is to watch someone else live your life. Not really your life, but the life you always thought you would have.
Being Mormon, I am constantly surrounded by other people living my life. They are everywhere I look. Their families grow, year after year, and I stay the same.
Learning to live a life that is different than you imagined is a work in progress. I'm not sure I will ever be completely content with where I am right now. So, I am trying to enjoy the process.
A while back, I compared my infertility to a miserable but incredibly rewarding hike I did last summer. Since then, I have noticed even more how similar these experiences really are.
I recently heard a song that uses the same climbing analogy, encouraging you to learn to enjoy (or at least appreciate) the journey. I am supposed to be learning something from all this. What? I still don't know. Maybe that's the reason I've been climbing for so long...
I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it.
Every step I'm taking
Every move I make
Feels lost with no direction
My faith is shaking
But I got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments
That I'm going to remember most
Just got to keep going
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
I barely knew her, so I was a bit nervous dropping off the pizza I had picked up for them on the way home from work. I practically threw the pizza in her arms and almost rushed away without even seeing the baby!
Nearly three years later, tonight in fact, I again took dinner to this new mom. She had her third child last Friday. This beautiful woman has had three children, while I am still waiting for one.
She is the sweetest gal, and I like her very much. As I left their house (a mother, father, and three young children), I couldn't help but think how strange it is to watch someone else live your life. Not really your life, but the life you always thought you would have.
Being Mormon, I am constantly surrounded by other people living my life. They are everywhere I look. Their families grow, year after year, and I stay the same.
Learning to live a life that is different than you imagined is a work in progress. I'm not sure I will ever be completely content with where I am right now. So, I am trying to enjoy the process.
A while back, I compared my infertility to a miserable but incredibly rewarding hike I did last summer. Since then, I have noticed even more how similar these experiences really are.
I recently heard a song that uses the same climbing analogy, encouraging you to learn to enjoy (or at least appreciate) the journey. I am supposed to be learning something from all this. What? I still don't know. Maybe that's the reason I've been climbing for so long...
I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it.
Every step I'm taking
Every move I make
Feels lost with no direction
My faith is shaking
But I got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments
That I'm going to remember most
Just got to keep going
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
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