Take that, Dr. Phil!

Dr. Phil is known for saying: It takes 10 atta-boy’s to erase one negative comment.

Well, that may be true for kids, but in the world of infertility, you can erase 10 negative comments with a kind word from one supportive friend.

I have many supportive friends and, without you beside me over the last 6 years, I might have crawled under my bed and never come out.

So, thank you. :)

Passing Time

A couple of months ago, I come home to find a bright pink flyer on my porch. As I looked at it, I noticed it was from a local foster parenting agency.

Now I've talked about Foster Parenting in the past, and my frustration with people throwing it at me as an option. Deciding to foster is such a personal decision, and not one to be suggested, or entered into, lightly.

But as I read the flyer, I felt a glimmer of excitement. I talked to Ryan and he was actually (surprisingly) supportive about the idea. He had questions, and we both felt cautious, but I have hung onto the flyer since that day.

Recently, Ryan and I decided to take a 10-year-anniversary trip. Once we return, we're climbing 'back on the horse' so-to-speak, and attempting once again to start our family.

In the meantime, I am passing time. Finding this flyer has helped give me purpose. If we were to foster parent or adopt, we get the opportunity to have strangers decide if we would be good parents. Part of this process involves them coming into our home and assessing it's suitability for housing a child.

And this brings me to my latest project: Operation Organization. I would imagine most people have cabinets, drawers and closets that are a bit, how should I say, cluttered? Well, I do too. So, I am in the process of decluttering and clearing out our house.

This includes our "3rd Bedroom", which will someday be our child's room. I have heard some people talk about getting a room ready for a child, and the pain they feel when the room stays empty. For some reason, I am feeling the opposite emotion. Clearing out that room is giving me hope. I know I will be a mother someday, and I feel that preparing for this fact helps it feel more real. What I am feeling is nice, so I am going with it for now.

Taking a second look at foster parenting feels nice too. I don't know if and how far we will pursue that avenue, but having it as an option seems right for us.

Regardless, for now, I am forcing my eyes upon greener pastures. Or maybe white, sandy beaches. Living and loving my best friend, helping with those fun and crazy teenage girls at church, reconnecting with girlfriends, and anxiously awaiting boarding that plane for Hawaii: these are the things I keep in the front of my mind. Every now and then the sadness returns, but I put a band-aid on it and keep going. Because that's what you do when you're passing time.

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Quick Note: Should we choose to pursue foster care, I will be open and appreciative to opinions and obserations. Until that time, please don't bombard me with negative comments. I realize it can be a tough and heartbreaking process. Let me live in the dream for a while longer. Reality will come soon enough! Thanks.

I didn't ask for this...

Two years ago, I celebrated earning my 'Bachelors Degree in Reproductive Science'. Well, maybe "celebrated" is the wrong word. Probably "acknowledged" works better.

So what does that say about today? Have I graduated to a "Master's" degree now? Realistically, I haven't done one thing physically to pursue parenthood, although there certainly has been some emotional growth over these last two years.

Today is Ryan and my 9th anniversary. It's been an exciting 9 years and there were definitely some surprises along the way. Although some days I would never agree with this, as of today I don't think I'd change a thing. Maybe it's the celebration of the day that accounts for my Pollyanna attitude, but I choose not to analyze it; just enjoy it. Today, I am happy.

But please God, please don't make me earn a doctorate...

Comfort

Today, in Young Women's class, one of our girls shared her favorite scripture. This short, sweet passage just hit me so hard, I immediately wrote it in my notebook, and I want to share it here.

"I will not leave you comfortless,

I will come to you."

John 14:18

Life Lesson

Browsing on a Internet social networking site, I paused on the page of a friend of mine. An acquaintance from high school, we weren't super close, but she was a friendly face who always had something sweet to say.

Recently married, one child, and pregnant with her second, she seemed to have everything I ever wanted. I wondered why everything seemed so easy for everyone else but me. Of course, staring at the computer screen, I only saw the happiness in her life, and not the hidden difficulties she might have been working through.

Never, NEVER compare your life with someone else. Never think things come easy to someone else. Never begrudge someone else's happiness.

This beautiful woman is now going through something I can not ever imagine, facing a horrible situation no one should have to experience. My heart is literally breaking for her.

There is a quote by Plato that reads, Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. We have no idea the difficulties and, sometimes, full-on tragedies that another person is experiencing behind closed doors.

Be grateful for the people in your life, the blessings you've been given, and the happiness you have. Never forget to look up from your own worries and say a prayer for someone else.

Letter from Heavenly Father

This was shared by one of my YCLs as part of a Devotional at Girl's Camp. It really spoke to me, and I didn't want to forget it:

Dear Daughter,

I remember well the day you left my side, wandered through the veil and ventured forth to fulfill you earthly mission. I had a tear in my eye as I clothed your spirit in a cloak of love and sent you off to school. Be assured that my thoughts are with you now, as always.

I love you with all of my heart. I know your life, the good, the bad, your grief, your disappointments, your unrewarded efforts, your frustrations. But always remember--all that I have is yours if you will only come home again.

Daughter, realize that in you I have placed a bit of heaven. No one was exempt. I love all of my children. You have some blessed gift, some talent, some little part of me in you. Search for it, develop it, use it, and most importantly, share it with others. If you really love me, then help others find themselves and lead them to me. Show your love by serving others.

Repent of your failings and humble yourself. Make yourself ever teachable and continually strive to improve. I gave you weaknesses to help you be humble. Don't condemn me for that. I did it because I love you. Be full of hope. Don't let discouragement engulf you. I'll come if you need me.

Daughter, cease your idle contentions. Be a peacemaker, for it breaks my heart to see so many of my children fighting. If they could only see what I have hoped, planned and desired for them. My heart breaks as I watch them. But you, faithful daughter, are my hope. It is through you that my work must proceed. You haven't much time and there is so much work to be done. I beg you to get started. Accomplish the mission I gave to you before you left me. I'll help you. I'll never be too busy or too far away to come to you. I'm nearer to you always than you might suspect. I have so much I would like to tell you, but I can't here.

Come to me often in prayer. I love to talk to you, my beloved daughter. Be diligent in my work and my kingdom shall be yours. I'd love to take you in my arms, but I too, must wait patiently: that time will come. Till then I leave you my peace, my blessing, my love, and never forget I am nearby whenever you need me.

I love you and miss you so very much and, oh, how I am looking forward to your return to me.

All my love,

Your Heavenly Father

This 'letter' truly feels like it was written for me. I especially love the line, I gave you weaknesses to help you be humble. It seems so obvious now, but I had never thought of it quite that way before. I am trying to become humble so that someday, as the scripture says, my weaknesses can become strengths.

The Climb

Nearly three years ago, when we first moved into our house, I took dinner to a young couple in our church who had just had their first baby. At that time, I had been trying to begin my family for three years. I remember looking at this new mom. She seemed so young and so newly married, it made me wonder, why can she begin her family while I still have to wait?

I barely knew her, so I was a bit nervous dropping off the pizza I had picked up for them on the way home from work. I practically threw the pizza in her arms and almost rushed away without even seeing the baby!

Nearly three years later, tonight in fact, I again took dinner to this new mom. She had her third child last Friday. This beautiful woman has had three children, while I am still waiting for one.

She is the sweetest gal, and I like her very much. As I left their house (a mother, father, and three young children), I couldn't help but think how strange it is to watch someone else live your life. Not really your life, but the life you always thought you would have.

Being Mormon, I am constantly surrounded by other people living my life. They are everywhere I look. Their families grow, year after year, and I stay the same.

Learning to live a life that is different than you imagined is a work in progress. I'm not sure I will ever be completely content with where I am right now. So, I am trying to enjoy the process.

A while back, I compared my infertility to a miserable but incredibly rewarding hike I did last summer. Since then, I have noticed even more how similar these experiences really are.

I recently heard a song that uses the same climbing analogy, encouraging you to learn to enjoy (or at least appreciate) the journey. I am supposed to be learning something from all this. What? I still don't know. Maybe that's the reason I've been climbing for so long...

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it.

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make
Feels lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments
That I'm going to remember most
Just got to keep going

I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

First Come, First Served

Congratulating a fellow infertile on their pregnancy is always an interesting dynamic.

On one hand, I am truly excited for them, and grateful they have moved on to the next adventure.

On the other hand, a small part of me can't help but feel a little deflated. Why not me? I've been waiting longer.

It's then I have to remind myself that parenthood is not a first-come, first-served blessing.

And so I wait...