Andie and Appleseed

Like many women who have lost a baby due to miscarriage, I often wonder how the eternal perspective comes into play in situations like these. There are a lot of opinions about when the spirit enters a body. I have heard it’s at the moment of conception, when the heart beats, or when a baby takes his or her first breath. Some people have said that these miscarried babies return as other babies at a later time. It’s hard to know what to believe.

My gut has always told me they are individual spirits, that life begins at conception, and that my babies won’t return as other babies. I have had some personal experiences that have helped me feel this way.

Recently, I watched a video and read the story of a little boy who claims he saw heaven. He was close to death for 17 days when he was 4 years old. Once he had recovered, he began to talk about the things he had seen while he was so ill. Many of the things he had seen were shocking to his parents, as they were situations he had no prior knowledge of and couldn’t have known. For example, he was able to describe exactly where his dad was praying during the boy’s surgery. When asked how he knew this (as not even the boy’s mother knew where the dad was at this time), the boy simply said during that time he was sitting in Jesus’ lap, watching his father pray. There were several examples of this.

Personally, the most touching part of his experience is described in the following narrative from The Today Show:

‎"The real shocker came when Colton told his mother, “Mommy, I have two sisters.” Sonja told her son that he had to be referring to his oldest sister, Cassie, and his cousin Traci, but he responded: “No — I have two sisters. You had a baby die in your tummy, didn’t you?”

Sonja told Matt Lauer (who was conducting the interview) the family had never uttered a word about the miscarriage to Colton — and what’s more, they never even learned the sex of their miscarried child. “It was a private hurt that we didn’t even share with our friends,” Sonja said, adding Colton’s revelation was at first “shocking, but then a relief that she’s OK, which we didn’t know she was a she.”

In a subsequent TODAY segment Monday, Sonja filled in Colton’s description of his meeting with his sister: “He told us what she looked like, and she wouldn’t stop hugging him. And she doesn’t have a name.”

“When he told us about his sister in heaven, that we hadn’t told him about, [it was] another one of those ‘holy cow’ moments — OK, he can’t make this stuff up, he can’t invent this; no memory was planted,” Todd told Lauer. “But the peace that came over us, and the healing, like, ‘Wow, I have a daughter in heaven waiting for me’ — I think a lot of people need that type of hope and healing, too. And I think that’s what a lot of people are finding when they hear Colton’s testimony, to know what they have to look forward to.'"

When I saw the video, and read this narrative, I cried for a long time. To some, this may just be a silly child’s story, but to me this gave me so much hope. I have always felt that my children lost to miscarriage were special spirits, and even a glimmer of hope that I might meet them someday is comforting. The thought that we could have celestial children waiting for us is overwhelming. It brings so much joy and peace.

To watch the interview and read the full narrative, CLICK HERE.

Read about Appleseed
Read about Andie

Dear Andie,

Some people probably think I am weird for writing you a little letter, but I don't care. I am writing this for you, but I think it's mostly for me.

I just wanted to say that I was so excited when I found out I was expecting twins. From the beginning, it looked as though you might not make it, but I always felt comfort that it would all turn out alright. I thought that meant you'd be joining us in September, but now I know it was just my Heavenly Father offering comfort to get me through the hard times to come.

When I saw that you had left us, I felt so many different emotions... guilt that maybe I had done something wrong, sadness at your loss, fear for Beanie. I mourned you. I never thought of you as simply a "vanishing twin". I saw your heart beat. I know you were a person.

"A person's a person no matter how small."

I have not and will not forget you. When people act like you didn't exist, I correct them, or at least acknowledge you in my thoughts. Some day when Beanie is born, I will think about you, and how you were almost a part of our family on earth too.

I don't know how it all works, whether I will get a chance to be a mommy to you and little appleseed someday, but I wanted to say I enjoyed being your mommy while I had that blessing and I love you very much.

Quick Update

Just wanted to post that Andie didn't make it. :( Beanie is still hanging in there.

Thanks to everyone who kept us in your prayers. I'll update more later. It's been kind-of an emotional day!

TUPO

Twins Until Proven Otherwise

I have decided that I am not giving up on Andie.

When I posted about my last ultrasound, I wrote the things they told me at the doctor's office: Andie will not make it through the pregnancy, Andie will not catch up, Andie's heart will stop beating. Yes, I heard and I understand all those things.

I was afraid to admit that my hope for Andie never went away, even after hearing everything they had to say. I was afraid people would think I was in "denial" or not being "realistic".

I saw for myself Andie was too small, but I also saw the heartbeat. A heartbeat means there is still life, and as long as that heart is beating, I am pregnant with TWO babies, not one. And I am going to enjoy that as long as it lasts.

I understand Andie could leave us tomorrow, next week, or three weeks from now. But until that time I am not giving up!

I love both my babies!

Andie and Beanie

Okay, just for the record, these are MY nicknames and not Ryan's. He thinks I'm a dork, and he's right.

So of course I would pick the dorkiest names for my little tadpoles.

I couldn’t take “Twin A and Twin B” or “Baby A and Baby B” anymore. It all sounds so medical; so sterile.

I call my babies, Andie and Beanie.

For some reason, I smile every time I say those words. Every time I think them, really. Look... I’m smiling right now!

Please rest assured, these names are in-utero only. I may be a dork, but I’m not crazy!

Bittersweet Day...

but much more sweet than bitter...

Our little Twin A has a beating heart, but has not grown at all. Twin A will not make it through the pregnancy. Over the next couple weeks, the heart will likely stop beating. :( While there is always hope, we are trying to begin adjusting to the idea that we will not get to meet our little fighter in person.


Twin B is still measuring perfectly and has grown so much in one week. He or she looks like a little frog, with visible arms and legs already. The heartbeat was strong and we even got to hear it (which was a huge surprise - I didn't think that happens until later). It was the most beautiful sound I've ever heard. I was so happy Ryan was there to experience it with me.



Today was a mix of emotions... anxiety, sadness, and overwhelming joy. We are about 8 weeks into the pregnancy with a due date of October 2nd. It will have taken us 8 years of heartache and enormous spiritual growth to finally become parents. I am overcome with gratitude that we will get that chance.

To those of you who fasted with us in January, I want you to know that we felt it. And God heard it. The week of the fast we went in for our last IUI and, well, here we are. We will never forget your love and support.

And the journey towards parenthood continues...

---------

The last 8 weeks have certainly been a roller coaster. To read all about the pregnancy click here.

Two beating hearts?

It’s Valentine’s Day. The day of love. And what better symbol for love than a heart? I love hearts. Probably because I am not artistic in the least and a heart is something I can actually draw or cut out. Plus they’re pretty and feminine. And I just love them.

Today, I have had hearts on the brain. Specifically, two tiny hearts. My babies’ hearts. One I saw beating away while the other seemed still. Here I am one week later, hoping to see *two* flashing dots on the screen this time. Life times two.

It took some time to process what happened after last ultrasound. You hope to see one healthy baby. You fear seeing your baby without a heartbeat. But I was unprepared to see both possibilities.

Immediately, I felt I should be grateful for Twin B and that beautiful, beating heart. And I am SO very grateful. But when I looked at Twin A, all I wished is for his/her heart to beat too. Seeing both babies, those teeny tiny grains of rice, I loved them both immediately. And I so want both of them to be a part of our life.

Tomorrow we see if that is to be.

1st Ultrasound

Today was our first ultrasound. We were ecstatic to see what we already believed would be there... TWINS!

During the last few weeks, we both had strong feelings that we were pregnant with twins. We would catch ourselves referring to the baby as "the babies". We would be unbelievably grateful and over the moon with one baby, but we couldn't shake the feeling there would be two.

Sure enough, we learned quite quickly there were 2 sacks with two embryos inside.

When we focused in on Baby A, we noticed he/she was a little small. The measurements (6w1d) were 2 days behind where they should have been (6w3d). Additionally, we were unable to see a heartbeat. This was disappointing to say the least.

Next we looked at Baby B. This baby was measuring right on schedule (6w3d) and had a nice strong heartbeat of about 135.

So now we wait for a week and go back. The babies will be bigger, and the heartbeats clearer. It is then we'll see if Baby A has grown and if his/her heart is beating. I love both our babies already and am hopeful they'll both be a part of our family here on earth.

Here are babies' first photos:

TWINS!




Baby A: Our Fighter




Baby B: Right on Schedule




Because of this recent development, we are waiting another week to tell people. We want to have more definite news. Until then, the secret continues...