Freedom

A year ago, I wrote that I was having a rough time. I had been having a rough time for quite a while. Although I wrote that I accepted help from my doctor, I did not expressly say what that help was.

My doctor prescribed 10mg of a drug called Lexapro. This was later increased to 20mg. I remember the day I picked up the prescription. Inside the pamphlet that came with it, I read Lexapro is typically taken for 6 months to a year. I remember thinking I would be different. I would need to use these pills until I finally got pregnant or became a mom. I couldn't imagine I would be able to function again without help.

Well here we are, one year later, and I am completely off of the medication. I even weened off during a particularly rough time period emotionally. And I still did it.

And, although I am still saddened by the current state of affairs, I am not hopeless. I have bad days, but every day is not bad.

This last year has reinforced my belief that depression can begin situational, but can become a literal chemical imbalance. I firmly believe I had that imbalance. A year on this medication helped to resolve that imbalance, and now I am making it on my own again.

I am so happy to finally experience freedom. Not freedom from the medication so much, but freedom from the dark place I was in for so long. I am grateful that there are medical advances that could help me get my life back. I am disappointed in those uneducated people who continue to judge or degrade someone for having the courage to seek help. I am proud I had that courage.

Hinkley Wisdom

Written on the chalkboard in Sunday School today:

"Go forward on the assumption that everything works out."

This is a quote by Gordon B. Hinckley... and something I really needed to read today.

I've spent all weekend wondering if I will ever experience pregnancy. If not, that's okay, I just want to know why! Physically, what is wrong with me? With us? I so wish I knew.

Anyway, Gordon B. Hinkley was a prophet and one of the wisest men to ever live. So, I am trying to take his advice and go forward with the assumption that everything will work out. Eventually...

Appreciating the Sun

I love the rain. In fact, one of my dreams is to live in Seattle someday. Now, I know I’ve only been there once, and during the best time of year, but I can’t help feeling connected to that city. I love it!

Anyway, I digress.

California has been ambushed by rain storms. For a ‘desert’, we sure are drowning here! It’s been 5 or 6 days straight of dark skies, violent wind, and periodic downpours.

Today, I was heading out to lunch when I noticed the skies part. Suddenly, the sun emerged and beat down on the wet, clean earth. I raised my face up to it and felt its warmth. After not seeing the sun for so long, I couldn’t help but pause and appreciate its presence.

At that moment, a thought came to mind. If this was your typical California day, I wouldn’t have even noticed the sun. I might have even complained that it was too bright, or too hot. But because I had felt the rain for so long, I appreciated when the sun finally emerged.

Such is true about life: You have to go through the rainy days to appreciate the sun.

Although I love rainy weather, I don’t much care for rain in life. All of our trials, heartache and disappointment pour down on us… and we wonder if it will ever end.

But inevitably the sun will come out and, when it does, we will notice its warmth and feel its glow more than ever before. And that feeling will be worth all this rain.

So, for right now, we’ll just open our umbrella, dance in a few puddles, and wait for the sun.

Hands

Each of us has our own trials and struggles in life. The one I write most about, obviously, is infertility. However, I have experienced other trials in my life that caused me to feel hurt, frustration, anger and resentment. This helps me to understand that, although I write about infertility, many of these same emotions can be brought out because of other situations and disappointments in life. This has helped bind me to other people who have not lived my same experience.

You can take this entire blog and replace the word “infertility” with many other words (“death of a loved one”, “serious illness”, “career loss”, “divorce”), and I doubt much would change. Maybe the details would differ but the tone would not.

This Sunday, we heard an inspirational talk in church. Both Ryan and I were touched by it. The speaker spoke of trials, and centered his talk on this scripture:

And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.
Alma 7:12

Christ’s goal is to carry our burdens for us. There is no emotion He has not felt before. He suffered the hurt, disappointment, and weaknesses of every soul that has ever lived, or will live. There is no way to even imagine the suffering that Christ took upon Himself for our name. Living through our trials helps us to recognize a tiny fraction of what the Savior did for us.

Like the Savior, we should look up from our own difficulties and reach out to someone else.

Wherefore, be faithful; stand in the office which I have appointed unto you; succor the weak, lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees.
Doctrine and Covenants 81:5

I LOVE this scripture. It is so descriptive of what we should be doing to help each other.

One of my favorite songs reads as follows:

His hands
tools of creation
stronger than nations
power without end
and yet through them we find our truest friend

His hands
sermons of kindness
healing men's blindness
halting years of pain
children waiting to be held again

His hands
warming a beggar
lifting a leper
calling back the dead
breaking bread, five thousand fed

His hands
hushing contention
pointing to heaven
ever free of sin
then bidding man to follow Him

His hands would serve his whole life though
showing man what hands might do
giving, ever giving, endlessly
each day was filled with selflessness
and I’ll not rest ‘til I make of my hands
what they could be
'til these hands become like those from Galilee

His hands
clasped in agony
as He lay pleading, bleeding in the garden
while just moments away
other hands betray Him
out of greed, shameful greed

and then His hands
are trembling
straining to carry the beam that they'd be nailed to
as He stumbles through the streets
heading towards the hill on which He’d die
He would die

they take His hands,
His mighty hands,
those gentle hands
and then they pierce them,
they pierce them
He lets them, because of love

from birth to death was selflessness
and clearly now I see him with His hands
calling to me
and though I’m not yet as I would be
He has shown me how I could be
I will make my hands like those from Galilee

The speaker on Sunday spoke of the Sacrament we take in church each week. Typically, you sit quietly while the bread and water is passed. The speaker mentioned that he often sits and looks at his hands. He thinks about Christ’s hands, and the stories you could tell about what Christ did with his hands. I wonder what stories my hands would tell… and how I can use them to better the lives of those around me.

I hope, this year, to listen more than I speak, support more than I lean, and dry more tears than I cry. Maybe in doing this my tears will ease as well. :)

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This is a little video I put together about the life of Christ. The music is ‘His Hands’, the song quoted above.

Oh, My! Not the Timeline!!!

Ahhh, the incorrigible timeline. Nothing has brought me so much hope, or caused so much depression as a timeline. When dreamed up and followed, a timeline offers anticipation… and expectations. When broken, these doomed expectations bring heartache and hopelessness.

Nevertheless, I have decided to throw caution to the wind and develop a timeline once more.

There are certain, specific reasons why I need to wait a bit to begin a drastic change in course. While I wait, the next six months will be spent improving myself: my spirituality, my physical well-being, my marriage, my career, my financial situation.

At the end of this, I plan to go back to Dr. Synn and take the next step.

So, right here… RIGHT NOW (barring any natural or familial disaster):

I am hereby committing to completing an infertility treatment in July/August 2010.

I meant what I said, and I said what I meant. An elephant's faithful, one hundred percent.

Smile

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky,
you'll get by

If you smile through your pain and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through
for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear
may be ever so near

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.

Break

As excited as I am for the great strides I have made with acupuncture, I need to take a break from anything baby for a few months. I am going through something right now that needs my total time and attention. I am blessed with the assurance that I will be a mother someday, somehow. But right now, I need to concentrate on a bigger priority.

I look forward to jumping back into the game sometime soon! Hopefully, in early 2010.

Thanks for all your support.

I Was Not Forgotten

This last Sunday was Stake Conference, which is a large gathering of members in the East Fresno County area.

Ryan and I attended the Sunday morning session. I went with a bit of apprehension.

Sunday morning Stake Conference has often been a reunion of sorts. It is a twice-a-year meeting in which I see those I have known in the past. We exchange greetings and small talk.

This doesn’t sound too terrible, except that I often see those I grew up with, leading their cluster of squirmy and restless children. Seeing these people again and noticing… “Oh, they have 3 children now” “That newlywed couple is pregnant already” “Wow, her kids have grown up”.

That is difficult.

I also see those adults who knew me as a child. For a while, the small talk centered around Ryan and I, and our family planning. “Any kids yet?”, although, that has faded over time (not sure if that is a good thing or not).

I am also apprehensive about the topics that will be presented. Family is a huge part of our beliefs, and it seems inevitable that the topic of parenting or the importance of families will be approached at some point. I remember a couple years ago hearing the good ol’ “multiply and replenish the earth – it’s a commandment!” sermon. Anxiously, I left the room as fast as I could, tears running down my face, bursting into the bathroom, only to see a girl I once babysat in there, rocking her baby.

So, sufficed to say, Stake Conference isn’t always my favorite day.

Even so, surrounded by family, I attended Stake Conference. As the speakers made their rounds, I leaned over to Ryan and said, “I haven’t heard the talk that was just for me. I want to hear something that was written just for me to hear.”

The last speaker was our Stake President. Sure enough, the topic turned to families. Children… and what blessings they are. Oh, no. Not again.

But then he said something I don’t think I will ever forget. He said, “I tread lightly on this topic, because I know there are some out there who are unable to have children.”

Oh my gosh, I wasn’t forgotten.

He went on to tell his story, of how he and his wife had their little family, but they always felt that there was another little girl who was supposed to be with them. Time passed, and soon his youngest was 18. He told God, “If this last child is meant to be with us, You better send her soon. I am not getting any younger here!” He was 48 years old when she was born. Their family finally felt complete.

He told the story about Abraham and Rebecca from the Bible. Upon learning they were going to finally have a son (in their late stage of life), they laughed, which can also be translated to mean rejoiced.

“And Sarah said, God hath made me to laugh, so that all that hear will laugh with me.”

I picture the laughing and rejoicing that will occur in my home someday.

With tears in his eyes, our Stake President talked about waiting those 18 years for their daughter. He admitted that there are some who wait longer, and without other children. Then he read the following from the Doctrine and Covenants: “The Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion, and thy scepter an unchanging scepter of righteousness and truth; and thy dominion shall be an everlasting dominion, and without compulsory means it shall flow unto thee forever and ever.

He talked about how, one way or another, we will all have our dominion, or our posterity. This was comforting to me.

After the Stake President had sat down, and we began to sing the closing song, Ryan leaned over to me and said, “Well, you got your talk.” I am grateful to the Stake President, and to my Heavenly Father, for not forgetting me this Sunday.

I received a package yesterday. It is a necklace which reads one simple word, “Eventually”. This word is a blessing and a curse. A comfort during times when I feel my situation will never change, and a reminder during times of anxiety and impatience.

My dominion will be everlasting someday, and without compulsory means it will flow unto me forever and ever. A promise that is worth waiting for, and will be mine… eventually.