Friday, December 24, 2010

Shadow Hanging Over Christmas

I believe Christmas is about one thing, celebrating the birth of Christ. Sure, there are a lot of other wonderful things about Christmas... family, friends, traditions... but when it comes down to it, it is all about a tiny baby who came to earth to save the world.

Even so, it is hard not to get caught up in the game of "might have been" or "should have been".

Where are my kids to tuck in on Christmas eve? Is this really Ryan's and my 15th Christmas as a couple with no children to share in the magic? Probably the most painful thought is that today I should be coming up on month 5 of my pregnancy and instead my body is the same size it's been for years.

I had images of posing for a picture by the Christmas tree with Ryan, my hand tucked under my growing belly. But that's all gone now.

These thoughts are a shadow hanging over Christmas this year. It takes an enormous amount of effort and strength not to let them take over everything. It is a constant battle, sometimes one that is fought minute by minute.

In our first years of trying to start a family, I would tell myself each Christmas that the next year I would be a mother. I would think, "Hopefully, this Christmas will be the last one just Ryan and I".

Then as the years ticked by, I stopped doing that. It was too heartbreaking as I saw that dream come and go with every passing year.

This year, I am again telling myself that next Christmas things will be different, that next year will be *our* year. This constant promise to myself (as out of my control and as potentially deviating as it is) is sometimes the only thing that holds me together.

8 comments:

Cheryl said...

Quite simply, I understand. Merry Christmas. Here is to hoping 2011 is our year. Many hugs!

twinthoughts said...

((HUGS)) Michelle, praying for you, and hoping this next year brings you happiness and Joy!! love you my friend!

Susie Demke said...

I have been thinking about you all month. Especially today. I love you. I'm sorry this is not the Christmas you were hoping for. It breaks my heart. I also hope this time next year everything will be different. Here's to a year filled with fulfilled promises and dreams. Much, much love.

Tami said...

I understand. For me this Christmas would have been baby clothes, and cribs, and anticipation of delivering in just around a month...instead, its just like every other year. Just me and hubby at home alone (at least in the morning)...hugs to you...

Lyndsey said...

I thought of you when I read this entry on Nie Nie's blog today.

http://nieniedialogues.blogspot.com/2010/12/note-to-those-of-you-who-hurt-hold-on.html

Hillary said...

Agreed. 15 Christmas is a very long time (this was only our 8th). Thinking of you and hoping next year WILL be different.

makingmemom.blogspot.com

Christine Dallimore said...

I am so sorry. I know all to well the could-have-beens and should-have-beens. Here's to praying that SOON you will be blessed to be a Mother to those that are just as anxiously waiting for you too. That until then you will be able to receive the peace and understanding that you are searching for. HUGS...

Jana Banana said...

I love reading your blog!! Thanks for sharing your thoughts and letting me know I am not alone!
findingjoywhileempty.blogspot.com

FAITH IN GOD MEANS HAVING FAITH IN HIS TIMING.