Well, it's been a while. No posts for 3 months, that might be a record. Life has been busy and I have welcomed the distraction. I have been studying for my CFP test, coming up in about a month. Once that is taken (and passed, hopefully) life should return to "normal", whatever that is. And with that, I know the pain of infertility will rear its ugly head again.
On the baby front, I am feeling quite stuck. I am not sure where to go from here. Supposedly, we should be getting a "rebate" check around May that would almost cover one fertility treatment. The thought of using that check for that purpose is exciting. But, on the other hand, adoption has been on my mind too.
There are people out there who would think me crazy to call it quits on fertility treatments so soon. After all, I am only in "Stage Two" treatments. They are relatively cheap, where fertility treatments are concerned. Seems most adoptions occur after many years and thousands of dollars are spent on treatments. Adoption is the last step for many couples. Here I am, just one step past basic Clomid, and I feel ready to jump to the end.
But it has been nearly 5 years since I began this journey. Perhaps I'm just so ready for a child, that I can not bear any more time "wasted" doing the treatments. Of course, if they work, it wouldn't be time wasted. But if I knew they would work, my answer would be obvious.
I know that I can not solve this dilemma on my own. Prayer is the only answer here. So, as the poem says "I'll pray and calmly wait", which is much easier said than done.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Thursday, November 22, 2007
28 Reasons to Smile
In honor of my 28th birthday (which just happened to fall on Thanksgiving this year), I have decided to identify "28 Reasons to Smile". In other words, 28 things I am thankful for (although I chose the other title because it just felt so cheerful - and who doesn't need more reasons to smile?).
It is so important to remember your blessings, especially when times are tough, so I thought I'd throw a link to my "28 Reasons" on this Fertility Blog, so that I can remind myself what blessings I truly do have.
28 REASONS TO SMILE
It is so important to remember your blessings, especially when times are tough, so I thought I'd throw a link to my "28 Reasons" on this Fertility Blog, so that I can remind myself what blessings I truly do have.
28 REASONS TO SMILE
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Prayer
In church today, the speaker read a little poem that I had heard long ago and had since forgotten. It really spoke to me, and I thought I'd share it.
I know not by what methods rare,
But this I know, God answers prayer.
I know that He has given His Word,
Which tells me prayer is always heard,
And will be answered, soon or late.
And so I pray and calmly wait.
I know not if the blessing sought
Will come in just the way I thought;
But leave my prayers with Him alone,
Whose will is wiser than my own,
Assured that He will grant my quest,
Or send some answer far more blest.
- Eliza M. Hickok
I know not by what methods rare,
But this I know, God answers prayer.
I know that He has given His Word,
Which tells me prayer is always heard,
And will be answered, soon or late.
And so I pray and calmly wait.
I know not if the blessing sought
Will come in just the way I thought;
But leave my prayers with Him alone,
Whose will is wiser than my own,
Assured that He will grant my quest,
Or send some answer far more blest.
- Eliza M. Hickok
Sunday, November 11, 2007
The Ups and Downs
These last few days have been quite the roller coaster. All this time, I have thought that I alone carried the stress and frustration of infertility, while Ryan escaped unscathed. Turns out, I was mistaken. Sparing the details, we came to the point that all of the strain and pressure was too much. And we snapped.
Although he would like to be a Dad someday, Ryan can’t take much more of the intense emotion that has been sharing space in our marriage for years now. He doesn’t want to see his wife fall apart on a daily basis and, you know, I can’t blame him. I am exhausted with this process as well. The most frustrating thing is that I want to DO SOMETHING, to MAKE PROGRESS, to be PROACTIVE, and our current situation does not allow for that. Because, you see, procreation is expensive for those of us who must pay for it…
So after a couple of talks, we have cleared up our misunderstandings and discussed our differences. Today, I am opening another bank account. I will funnel money there, a little at a time, as I am able. Once I have saved $3500, I will use the first $2000 for sinus surgery (I have to get this done before I can pursue pregnancy). Then, I will use the remaining $1500 for a Gonal-f / IUI treatment.
In the meantime, I will go back-to-basics and pull out that dusty ovulation predictor. Yeah, I know that the doc said my chances are <1%, but people beat the odds all the time. Doctors are good, but God is greater.
And all the while, I will concentrate on being happy. Happy with my husband, my family, my friends, and all those things I am so incredibly blessed to have. And those difficult days that will inevitably come? I’ll unload my feelings here, instead of dumping them on my husband. Because all he wants to do is make them go away. But he can’t.
No one can.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups and downs and sometimes you just want off! But other times, you just throw your hands up and try to enjoy the ride. Because, after all, you are not at the controls.
Although he would like to be a Dad someday, Ryan can’t take much more of the intense emotion that has been sharing space in our marriage for years now. He doesn’t want to see his wife fall apart on a daily basis and, you know, I can’t blame him. I am exhausted with this process as well. The most frustrating thing is that I want to DO SOMETHING, to MAKE PROGRESS, to be PROACTIVE, and our current situation does not allow for that. Because, you see, procreation is expensive for those of us who must pay for it…
So after a couple of talks, we have cleared up our misunderstandings and discussed our differences. Today, I am opening another bank account. I will funnel money there, a little at a time, as I am able. Once I have saved $3500, I will use the first $2000 for sinus surgery (I have to get this done before I can pursue pregnancy). Then, I will use the remaining $1500 for a Gonal-f / IUI treatment.
In the meantime, I will go back-to-basics and pull out that dusty ovulation predictor. Yeah, I know that the doc said my chances are <1%, but people beat the odds all the time. Doctors are good, but God is greater.
And all the while, I will concentrate on being happy. Happy with my husband, my family, my friends, and all those things I am so incredibly blessed to have. And those difficult days that will inevitably come? I’ll unload my feelings here, instead of dumping them on my husband. Because all he wants to do is make them go away. But he can’t.
No one can.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups and downs and sometimes you just want off! But other times, you just throw your hands up and try to enjoy the ride. Because, after all, you are not at the controls.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
I Believe...
I believe in the Sun even when it's not shining,
I believe in Love even when I don't feel it,
I believe in God even when He is silent.
~Author Unknown
I believe in Love even when I don't feel it,
I believe in God even when He is silent.
~Author Unknown
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Missing Motherhood
Is it possible to miss someone you’ve never met?
Since I was a child myself, I knew I wanted to be a mom. When I would write in my diary at night, I would end with a little note to my future children. I figured someday, they would read my little passages and when they saw them, they would know how much I wanted to be their mom, even as a child. I thought that would make them feel special.
I believe that anyone who has lived or will live on the Earth has a spirit. Our spirit did not begin with our physical birth. Some spirits have lived on Earth already and have died and are now spirits in heaven. Others are on the Earth right now and their spirits are housed inside mortal bodies. I also believe that there are others who have not lived on the Earth yet, but are nevertheless spirits anticipating coming to Earth at their appointed time. My children are in this third category.
In other words, at one point, I knew those spirits who would be my children here on Earth. I would have to have known them, as at one time, I was only a spirit as well. I know it sounds odd, but I believe this to be true. It is a major foundational belief of my religious affiliation.
For years, I have tried to pinpoint my heartache at falling short of motherhood. Do I long to hold, nurture, and care for a child? Yes. But there is something more. Some sort of emptiness. Then, quite recently, it dawned on me. I miss them.
I have no idea who they are or what they will look like, but still I miss them. I want to see them. I want to tuck them in and kiss their scraped knees. I want to teach them and learn from them. I want to help them with science projects and watch them goof around with their dad. I want to harass them about their grades and send them to the prom. I want to help them pick a college and see them become parents themselves. They are not simply "furture potential children", but they are real people to me; and I want them here with me.
Many nights Ryan works. The house is quiet and everything is still. This is when I miss them the most. The other day, I heard a song. I am pretty sure the message I took away was not what the artist intended, but what makes music so great is that it can mean different things to different people. Here is a bit of the lyrics:
Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it wont take away my love
And when the last one falls
When it's all said and done
It gets hard but it wont take away my love
I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight its only you and me
This song made me cry. There are so many times, when the chaos of the day is settling down, I am left with me and my thoughts. Inevitably, they always turn to the same thing. I’m here without my baby.
So, again I ask, is it possible to miss someone you’ve never met?
Since I was a child myself, I knew I wanted to be a mom. When I would write in my diary at night, I would end with a little note to my future children. I figured someday, they would read my little passages and when they saw them, they would know how much I wanted to be their mom, even as a child. I thought that would make them feel special.
I believe that anyone who has lived or will live on the Earth has a spirit. Our spirit did not begin with our physical birth. Some spirits have lived on Earth already and have died and are now spirits in heaven. Others are on the Earth right now and their spirits are housed inside mortal bodies. I also believe that there are others who have not lived on the Earth yet, but are nevertheless spirits anticipating coming to Earth at their appointed time. My children are in this third category.
In other words, at one point, I knew those spirits who would be my children here on Earth. I would have to have known them, as at one time, I was only a spirit as well. I know it sounds odd, but I believe this to be true. It is a major foundational belief of my religious affiliation.
For years, I have tried to pinpoint my heartache at falling short of motherhood. Do I long to hold, nurture, and care for a child? Yes. But there is something more. Some sort of emptiness. Then, quite recently, it dawned on me. I miss them.
I have no idea who they are or what they will look like, but still I miss them. I want to see them. I want to tuck them in and kiss their scraped knees. I want to teach them and learn from them. I want to help them with science projects and watch them goof around with their dad. I want to harass them about their grades and send them to the prom. I want to help them pick a college and see them become parents themselves. They are not simply "furture potential children", but they are real people to me; and I want them here with me.
Many nights Ryan works. The house is quiet and everything is still. This is when I miss them the most. The other day, I heard a song. I am pretty sure the message I took away was not what the artist intended, but what makes music so great is that it can mean different things to different people. Here is a bit of the lyrics:
Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it wont take away my love
And when the last one falls
When it's all said and done
It gets hard but it wont take away my love
I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight its only you and me
This song made me cry. There are so many times, when the chaos of the day is settling down, I am left with me and my thoughts. Inevitably, they always turn to the same thing. I’m here without my baby.
So, again I ask, is it possible to miss someone you’ve never met?
Monday, October 22, 2007
I am blessed.
It has come across my mind over the past week, how blessed I truly am. Let me explain…
A woman with infertility looks at another woman and thinks, "She is so blessed to be able to have children with no difficulty! I would give anything to have that blessing!"
But a different woman might look at her and say, “She is so blessed to have insurance that helps her pay for fertility procedures! I would give anything to have that blessing!”
Meanwhile, someone may look at that woman and say, “She is so blessed to have the opportunity to try so many fertility procedures, even though she has to pay for them! I have been told my husband and I will never have children. I would give anything to have that blessing!”
At the same time, someone may look at that person and say, “Wow. She is so blessed to have such a wonderful husband. I recently lost my husband. I would give anything to have that blessing!”
But, someone may look at her and say, “She was so blessed to have that time with her husband. My life has been great, but I never found someone to share my life with. I would give anything to have that blessing!”
And at that same moment, someone else would look at her and say, “She is so blessed to be healthy. I am very sick and may never recover. I would give anything to have that blessing!”
Do you see where I am going with this? It seems like no matter who you are or what your circumstances, there is someone out there who would call you “blessed”. And so I am saving everyone the trouble and I am trying each day to give that label to myself.
Is there heartbreak? Yes. Are there trials? Oh, yeah. But am I still blessed? You better believe it! And so are you…
A woman with infertility looks at another woman and thinks, "She is so blessed to be able to have children with no difficulty! I would give anything to have that blessing!"
But a different woman might look at her and say, “She is so blessed to have insurance that helps her pay for fertility procedures! I would give anything to have that blessing!”
Meanwhile, someone may look at that woman and say, “She is so blessed to have the opportunity to try so many fertility procedures, even though she has to pay for them! I have been told my husband and I will never have children. I would give anything to have that blessing!”
At the same time, someone may look at that person and say, “Wow. She is so blessed to have such a wonderful husband. I recently lost my husband. I would give anything to have that blessing!”
But, someone may look at her and say, “She was so blessed to have that time with her husband. My life has been great, but I never found someone to share my life with. I would give anything to have that blessing!”
And at that same moment, someone else would look at her and say, “She is so blessed to be healthy. I am very sick and may never recover. I would give anything to have that blessing!”
Do you see where I am going with this? It seems like no matter who you are or what your circumstances, there is someone out there who would call you “blessed”. And so I am saving everyone the trouble and I am trying each day to give that label to myself.
Is there heartbreak? Yes. Are there trials? Oh, yeah. But am I still blessed? You better believe it! And so are you…
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