Thursday, October 25, 2007

Missing Motherhood

Is it possible to miss someone you’ve never met?

Since I was a child myself, I knew I wanted to be a mom. When I would write in my diary at night, I would end with a little note to my future children. I figured someday, they would read my little passages and when they saw them, they would know how much I wanted to be their mom, even as a child. I thought that would make them feel special.

I believe that anyone who has lived or will live on the Earth has a spirit. Our spirit did not begin with our physical birth. Some spirits have lived on Earth already and have died and are now spirits in heaven. Others are on the Earth right now and their spirits are housed inside mortal bodies. I also believe that there are others who have not lived on the Earth yet, but are nevertheless spirits anticipating coming to Earth at their appointed time. My children are in this third category.

In other words, at one point, I knew those spirits who would be my children here on Earth. I would have to have known them, as at one time, I was only a spirit as well. I know it sounds odd, but I believe this to be true. It is a major foundational belief of my religious affiliation.

For years, I have tried to pinpoint my heartache at falling short of motherhood. Do I long to hold, nurture, and care for a child? Yes. But there is something more. Some sort of emptiness. Then, quite recently, it dawned on me. I miss them.

I have no idea who they are or what they will look like, but still I miss them. I want to see them. I want to tuck them in and kiss their scraped knees. I want to teach them and learn from them. I want to help them with science projects and watch them goof around with their dad. I want to harass them about their grades and send them to the prom. I want to help them pick a college and see them become parents themselves. They are not simply "furture potential children", but they are real people to me; and I want them here with me.

Many nights Ryan works. The house is quiet and everything is still. This is when I miss them the most. The other day, I heard a song. I am pretty sure the message I took away was not what the artist intended, but what makes music so great is that it can mean different things to different people. Here is a bit of the lyrics:

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it wont take away my love
And when the last one falls
When it's all said and done
It gets hard but it wont take away my love

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight its only you and me

This song made me cry. There are so many times, when the chaos of the day is settling down, I am left with me and my thoughts. Inevitably, they always turn to the same thing. I’m here without my baby.

So, again I ask, is it possible to miss someone you’ve never met?

1 comment:

Hyagriv said...

It is possible to miss someone whom I have never met cos I have always dreamed and was dam sure of meeting this little one in my life that u miss him