Sunday, November 11, 2007

The Ups and Downs

These last few days have been quite the roller coaster. All this time, I have thought that I alone carried the stress and frustration of infertility, while Ryan escaped unscathed. Turns out, I was mistaken. Sparing the details, we came to the point that all of the strain and pressure was too much. And we snapped.

Although he would like to be a Dad someday, Ryan can’t take much more of the intense emotion that has been sharing space in our marriage for years now. He doesn’t want to see his wife fall apart on a daily basis and, you know, I can’t blame him. I am exhausted with this process as well. The most frustrating thing is that I want to DO SOMETHING, to MAKE PROGRESS, to be PROACTIVE, and our current situation does not allow for that. Because, you see, procreation is expensive for those of us who must pay for it…

So after a couple of talks, we have cleared up our misunderstandings and discussed our differences. Today, I am opening another bank account. I will funnel money there, a little at a time, as I am able. Once I have saved $3500, I will use the first $2000 for sinus surgery (I have to get this done before I can pursue pregnancy). Then, I will use the remaining $1500 for a Gonal-f / IUI treatment.

In the meantime, I will go back-to-basics and pull out that dusty ovulation predictor. Yeah, I know that the doc said my chances are <1%, but people beat the odds all the time. Doctors are good, but God is greater.

And all the while, I will concentrate on being happy. Happy with my husband, my family, my friends, and all those things I am so incredibly blessed to have. And those difficult days that will inevitably come? I’ll unload my feelings here, instead of dumping them on my husband. Because all he wants to do is make them go away. But he can’t.
No one can.

Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups and downs and sometimes you just want off! But other times, you just throw your hands up and try to enjoy the ride. Because, after all, you are not at the controls.

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