It's that time again!

Every few months, it becomes that time again. Time to think about what I am thankful for. Sometimes it’s easy to feel suffocated by all of this fertility stuff and when that happens it means I need to get some perspective.

Tonight, I watched an episode of Dr. Phil. There was a woman on the show who became blind at the age of 15. Listening to her story and watching her example was inspiring. She said you can’t change your circumstances, only your attitude. What a struggle that is! It is a constant battle from where I stand and here was a woman who has been through so much more, standing strong and encouraging others to do the same.

So, in light of her example, it’s time to count those blessings:

I have such a wonderful husband, who makes me laugh every day. Lately, there’s been less to smile about around here but that doesn’t stop him from trying. Recently, he’s been more and more successful. And that feels good. J

I love my family. Not only was I blessed enough to be adopted by such a great family, I got to marry into another! Likewise, my friends are unbelievable. They say that friends are the family you get to choose, and I have chosen the best.

I am so thankful for my home. It still seems like a dream that I actually live here. It also feels like a little miracle each time I pay the mortgage. Things have been tight, but we are making it. It has been smoother than I anticipated. It’s nice to look back at 2006 as the year we bought our first home

I love my job! Sure, the things I am studying at the moment aren’t my favorite. Also, between studying and work load, the hours are long. Even so, I have seen glimpses of what my career might look like someday and I’m liking what I see. How many people can say that their co-workers are like family? I can.

I am so glad to be healthy. I love learning and experiencing new things. The world is beautiful and I look forward to seeing more of it. I am thankful that I still have my optimism. I have had more than 40 cycles of trying to conceive. Never in any of these cycles, did I lose hope that this might be the one, even when the odds were stacked against me. Last cycle was the closest I’ve ever been to loosing all hope for success, but there was still some there… It makes for some great disappointments, but it really helps me day to day.

Lastly, I am grateful for my relationship with God. He has given me so many blessings and, during my hard times when I feel bitter or even angry, He is there waiting when I return humbled. I feel undeserving of what Jesus Christ has done for me and I try to be worthy of His sacrifice.

Adding another month

Update on our status: It seems as though Ryan may get back on at the police department by the middle of March. This means it will probably be the first of April before our income improves enough to begin saving for the next stage of treatment. Looks like my month off of trying to conceive turned into two or three. I am okay with it though. I have hard days, for sure, but this time off is getting a little easier as time goes on. I am just trying to enjoy my husband, friends and family. I am forcing myself to laugh more and cry less. I am trying to get closer to God and have more faith and less despair. So far it’s working, as today was the best day I’ve had in a long time.

When you are unable to be proactive in trying to conceive, sometimes it gets tough. You feel like time is ticking by and you aren’t doing anything to better your situation. I am getting better and better at coping with this and writing what’s inside my heart is very therapeutic for me. So for the next couple months, while we are saving money, this journal will contain more reflections and not as many factual updates. If you want to join up with me once we get the ball rolling again, check back in mid-April.

If I was blind

If I was blind, would they say this to me:
Just relax, and soon you will see!
Would they tell me that maybe this “isn’t my time”?
Would those words even cross their mind?

Or say “Maybe not everyone was meant to see,
And since I can, you should be happy for me!”
Or tell me about a friend who was also blind
But now she can see…All in good time!

Would they joke about how they can see with no trouble!
And then tell me to snap out of my depressed little bubble.
Or call me lucky, with a tone that is curt
Because, when they’re tired, their eyes sometimes hurt!

Would they tell me that they know just how I feel
Because they have to wear contacts and it’s no big deal?
Or say, “Once you go out and buy a walking cane,
You’ll be able to see - it’s just all a big game!”

Would they tell me, “Though vision was meant for the masses,
Just think of all the money you’ll save on sunglasses!
Or would they give me some kind of home remedy instead,
Like eating an herb, or standing on my head.

Would they tell me I don’t need this medical stuff,
And just say that I’m not trying hard enough!
Would they say, “Just enjoy the time you can’t see,
For once you can, it’s all over, so just be happy!”

Would they think I was crazy, gambling money on a “cure”,
After all being blind is not life threatening, for sure!
And when I had treatments, would the insurance deny,
Calling the gift of sight “optional” and making me cry?

Something tells me the answer to these questions is No
Blindness is a medical issue and so,
Any amount of advice would do no good
A doctor is needed, this is understood

But for some reason when it comes to fertility
It blurs these thoughts of reality
Everyone’s an expert, everyone knows a cure
Everyone knows someone who’s beaten this before.

Infertility is a medical condition
To be left to doctors, not our own premonition
Prayers and listening, understanding’s the way
To get through each and every hard day.

I am infertile… Will you say this to me?
I love you, I support you, whatever may be.
Throughout the journey, I’m here for you.
Cycle after cycle, I’ll help you through.


**Just a note: I hope this poem doesn't offend anyone. I know that being blind is nothing like being infertile. I can adopt or seek treatment. I was just making the comparison that many times people don't think of infertility as being a medical condition and that it can be solved by just relaxing or not thinking about it. :)

Time Out

Well, goodbye Clomid! I honestly thought that drug would work for me, but it’s now time to move on.

The next step is called Gonal F. They are injections given everyday (to myself). I will use them in conjunction with the Prometrium (progesterone supplements) and the estrogen patches. I will also still use the Ovidryl trigger shot to make me ovulate and the IUI (a type of artificial insemination).

But all this will have to wait. For one thing, the next cycle will cost ~$1100. So saving money is first. Secondly, I need a break! I have been feeding one type of hormone or another into my body every day for the past 4 months.

Hopefully, I’ll be back in the game in one cycle!

One Last Time

Last night, I took my last three Clomid pills. It was kind-of weird to think that this is the last time I’ll take Clomid. If we aren’t successful, we move on to the next step.

So this cycle will be a duplicate of last time: 150mg of Clomid (days 3-7), begin estrogen patch day 8, scan on day 12, IUI 2 days later, and progesterone supplements from that time until I take the pregnancy test. Doing all of this, the success rate is about 10%.

In Reflection

Just this morning, I was pondering my failed IUI procedure. The disappointment is still there, but it’s eased a bit. I was forcing myself to look at the bright side of this situation, and actually found there was one.

There are two types of good fathers in this world: born-fathers (who desire a baby from the beginning and whose heart breaks as much, or more, than their wife’s when it doesn’t happen) and love-at-first-sight fathers (The guy who knows he wants to be a dad someday, but the burning desire is lessened. It doesn’t completely click until the situation is actually at hand.)

Ryan fits into this second group of guys; so did his dad and his grandpa. All were excellent fathers, but were born without that raw emotion the first group experiences before the baby is even conceived. At first, I fought this and longed for Ryan to be in that first group. I felt so alone. Although he was there for support, I was the one carrying all the emotion. It felt like going into a lion’s cage. He was there to talk me through it from the outside looking in, but I was the only one fighting the beast.

Then one day he said something that stuck with me. If he were exactly like me, we would be two people falling apart. Who would be the strong one?

Fast-forward to this last cycle…
There is that time in a woman's cycle between the time you ovulate and the time you either start your next cycle or find out your pregnant. In the world of infertility, this is called the 2WW (two week wait). This 2WW is agonizing, as the looming possibility of pregnancy is incredibly difficult to ignore. In the 3 ½ years since we began thinking baby (that's about 45 cycles, mind you) during every two week wait, I would bring up the question, "I wonder if it happened this month?" Every single time, without fail, Ryan would say it didn't happen. So, this last month when I asked and he said "yes", I was shocked! He truly believed I was pregnant this time.

So when I wasn’t, he was stunned, and a little disappointed. I am not sure if his disappointment was a surprise to him, but it certainly was to me. Since that time, I have noticed small changes in him. He has now set a timeline for how we will proceed with this burden. I am not saying he is crying with me; the change has been subtle but it’s there. He seems a little more comfortable talking about the situation, which made this whole thing almost worth it. Almost…

This reflection, along with the knowledge that there are other options which we are both comfortable with, has lightened the load and brought a new batch of optimism and motivation that was desperately needed. For this hurdle, he will be the strong one. There will be other times when I will be strong, but for right now I will let him hold me up.

I am getting exhausted...

I am getting exhausted of this fertility stuff not working. But I'm not giving up. On to next cycle!

IUI

Definition of IUI: An IUI -- intrauterine insemination -- is performed by threading a very thin flexible catheter through the cervix and injecting washed sperm directly into the uterus.

I made it through the IUI today. Ryan had to work, so my mom went with me. Ryan called just before to tell me he wished he was there, which was really sweet. Maybe he'll be able to come next time (hopefully, there won't be a next time though!)

Last night, I felt a lot of pulling on my left side, and then this morning I felt the same thing on my right. I hope this is a good sign.

The procedure went well this morning, perfect is what the nurse said. It wasn't the most pleasant experience. There was this internal cramping going on that kind-of made me nauseous, but it wasn't bad. I have survived worse! Afterward, I laid on the table for about 20 minutes. Then I was done!

The nurse said it is certainly possible that all 4 of these eggs fertilize and stick, but it is unlikely. It would really frighten me to have 4 babies at once, but I would do it. Beggars can't be choosers, isn't that how the saying goes?

And now we wait...